STARS

December 8, 1995

ANNA:

I counted the tiles in the ceiling and studied the way that the thin metal support beams criss-crossed over each other. There seemed to be no pattern to it, though I knew there had to be. They could not have just haphazardly thrown the ceiling together. I sighed and looked up at the light, then at the blank TV. The purple clock on the wall caught my eye. Midnight. The thermostat was about six inches underneath it. It was hot in here, but I didn't have the will to get up and change the temperature.

I looked out the window at the flickering lights of the city. Then I closed my eyes and turned my head to the side. Why wasn't I asleep? I should be sleeping. It was the middle of the night.

Leonardo's face flickered across my mind, and I sighed. "He's been different since he met you. More... secretive... And a lot less demanding."

I sighed. That didn't mean anything. But I couldn't get the words out of my head. They'd kept me awake the past few nights, and it looked like they would win the insomnia battle tonight, as well. I sighed as I stood and walked to the bathroom. I splashed cold water in my face. It wouldn't help me to get to sleep, that was for sure. But it felt good for the time being. I leaned back against the wall as the water dripped steadily off my chin. Leonardo. Why was I thinking about him? He and I were so different... It would never work.

I shook my head, clearing away the thoughts that somehow found their way back into my mind. Stop it, Anna! I yelled at myself. You're setting youself up for heartbreak.

My own subconscience shocked me with its terminology. Heartbreak? I'd never felt heartbreak. I'd never been in love. And you're not in love now!

Well, what if I am?

You can't be! You're not allowed!

Says who?

Says the part of you that's interested in self-preservation.

I sighed deeply. "To hell with self-preservation."

So you admit it then? You say it? You're in love with someone who's not even human? Someone who could never love you?

I stared at my reflection. Could never. Those words rang in my soul. Why the hell not? I'd been listening to that voice my entire life, as it told me I'd never be the things I wanted to be; I'd never do the things I wanted to do. You've given your life to your children. There's no time for these games.

"Shut up," I ordered, staring at the mirror. I was starting to scare myself. Was I going crazy? My thoughts were so confused. I closed my eyes and forced the racing thoughts to settle down. Could never. Could never love me. I breathed in, silencing the frantic emotions. Why?

I opened my eyes slowly and studied the figure staring back at me. She was young, with long dark hair braided behind her. Her facial features were distinctly Japanese, though she retained no accent and very little of Japanese culture. She parted her robe and let it fall open, revealing a black padded bra and black and gray boxer shorts. She was slim, and probably frailer than she cared to admit. The gentle curves of her body had never impressed her. She'd never developed as fully as she wished she had. She had at one point considered plastic surgery, but she had neither the money nor the pain-endurance required.

Her stomach was flat, though not really toned. Her thighs held what excess weight she had, though it wasn't enough to make her consider herself fat. She didn't exercise much, but she didn't eat much either. Not that she was anorexic, she just didn't have a very big appetite. And she preferred healthy foods to greasy, pre-packaged ones.

Best feature? Not her breasts. She frowned at that. She barely filled her padded B-cup. She turned to the side and raised her arms, staring at her figure from the side. When she was younger, she'd stuffed her bra so that she'd have something to show while other girls her age were fully developed. She'd never caught up, but she'd gotten over it. Didn't really make her self-conscious anymore.

I sighed as I ran my eyes over my reflection. My arms were probably my best feature. It was amazing what arm strength it took to play with children and carry babies. Still, I was in no way a weight lifter. Leo could arm wrestle me in his sleep.

Dammit, there you go again...

I leaned forward on the sink and dropped my head. I had to stop this. It was all I needed, on top of everything else, to have a crush and a heartbreak and a whole new set of emotions to deal with. It could never lead to anything. We were too different.

Does that bother you?

I considered that for a moment. In a way, it did. Looks had never really mattered to me, but he wasn't even human. Even so, it didn't stop my attraction toward him. His looks weren't the reason it wouldn't work. He didn't love me, and he wouldn't love me, and that was all there was to it. I didn't want to throw away a friendship for something that I could never have no matter what I did. Not to mention the circumstances. There was so much going on right now...

I felt tears sting my eyes and sat down on the toilet seat. "I can't do this right now," I told myself, hiding my face in my hands. "The girls need my attention. I can't..."

I heard my voice fade out as I lost track of my words. I cried, spilling tears into my hands. This was too much.

"Anna?"

I jumped and spun to the closed door and the male voice. "What?" I cried, brushing away my tears. "Who's there?"

"Leonardo." A confused mix of dread and joy raced through me. "Are you okay?"

I grabbed my robe off the floor and slipped my arms in it, tying it quickly. "Yeah, I'm..." I stammered. I pulled the door open, then hesitated. What was I doing? What was I hoping for?

He studied me for a moment, a concerned look on his face. Then he raised one hand and brushed my cheek with his thumb. The touch sent a jolt of confused excitement through me. "You're crying," he whispered.

I bowed my head. "It's... a long story."

"As in, you don't want to explain it?" I raised my eyes and saw him smile. "That's okay. As long as you're alright."

I nodded. "I'm fine."

His hand fell. "Okay. I believe you."

That was the end of that conversation. He sighed and turned away. I followed him into the living room. "Um," I started. "What are you doing here?"

"I, uh..." he stammered, walking to the window and stared out. "There's something I need to tell you."

The serious tone of his voice sent a wave of uneasiness over me. Something was wrong. "What is it?" I asked.

"I..." He turned to look at me, as if he were feeding off a sudden burst of courage. The look on his face fell and he backed down before he got the sentence out.

I smiled. "You what?" I asked.

Blush creeped into his cheeks, though I wasn't sure why. I giggled quietly. It was like he didn't know what to say. Funny, I'd never imagined he could not know what to say. He was always so focused and in control of his thoughts.

"Know what?" I grinned at him.

"What?" he choked.

"You're cute when you're embarrassed."

He blushed furiously and I laughed as he turned away. I rested a hand on his cheek and turned his face back to me. His skin was hot against my palm. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I'm just making it worse, aren't I?"

He said nothing. I draped my arms over his shoulders and hugged him for a minute. "What's wrong, Leo?" I asked seriously. "Why are you here?"

He hugged me back for a moment, then pulled away. "Nothing's wrong," he mumbled. "I just wanted to tell you..."

I studied him, waiting for him to finish. But he lost his nerve again. I suppressed a laugh. It was as if he were trying to propose to me or something. I'd never seen him nervous like this.

"Can I show you something?" he asked. The tension was gone, and I knew he was changing the subject. I was somewhat disappointed. I was curious as to what could make him tense up like that.

"Sure," I answered.

"Will you come up to the roof with me? You can get up there, right?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I can."

"Will you?"

I smiled and nodded again. He turned away. "I'll meet you up there."

***

The rooftop was dark and silent. I figured I had somehow gotten up here before him, until I felt his hands on my shoulders, through my jacket. I shrieked and nearly jumped out of my skin as I spun around. He pulled back. "Sorry," he whispered, smiling as he bowed his head.

"Don't do that!" I cried, clutching my chest.

He looked up hesitantly, smiled, and brushed the side of my face. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"How could that not scare me?" I asked.

"I'm sorry," he apologized.

I smiled and met his eyes, inches from my own. Something stirred inside of me and I tried to quiet it. I could not feel this way about him. "I forgive you. Just don't do it again!"

He pulled away and took my hands. "Do you trust me?" he asked, changing the subject.

I stared at him for a moment. The icy cold air whipped my hair into my face, stinging my cheeks like a whip. "Yes..." I answered hesitantly. "Why?"

"Close your eyes," he instructed. "Don't open them until I say."

I watched him, a little unsure, but finally closed my eyes. He walked backwards, pulling me with him. He stopped, but said nothing. I suddenly felt him pulling me down gently, like he was on his knees. I dropped to my knees hesitantly, not wanting to drop into the inch and a half of snow on the rooftop. But there wasn't snow beneath me. It had been cleared and I was kneeling on something soft. Leonardo he let go of my hands.

"Can I open my eyes yet?" I asked.

"Nope, not yet."

He circled my shoulders with one arm, and placed his other hand at the top of my chest, almost at my neck. I didn't resist him as he pushed me gently onto my back, my head resting on his arm. "Okay," he breathed. "Open your eyes."

I opened them and I saw... stars. Thousands of them. More than I had ever thought could exist. For a moment, I was breathless.

"Don't tell my brothers I told you this," he whispered in my ear. "But when I was younger, I used to sneak out of the sewers and come up to the rooftops just to look at the stars."

"They're beautiful," I choked.

"You can't even see them from the street," he mumbled. "With all the bright lights. You gotta get above all that."

"I've lived in the city my whole life," I sighed. "A city, anyways. I never realized..." My voice trailed off as I stared at the portrait in front of me.

"Yeah."

I stared at the sky, then turned toward him. "I don't think the movies do it justice."

He smiled. "No, they don't."

He was laying on his side, his head beside mine. We stared at each other for a moment, then he turned back to the stars. I smiled looked back up at the cold, clear sky. "That one's moving!" I exclaimed, pointing. "How is that possible?"

"It's a satellite," he explained.

"How do you know?"

"Because it's moving," he laughed, pointing out the obvious.

I smiled. "Can you tell the difference between the stars and the planets?"

"Mmm hmm," he murmured. "Some of them."

He took my hand and held it up to the sky. "That's Venus," he pointed. "The bright one, right there. You see it?"

"Yeah."

"And that's Mars," he pointed toward another group of stars.

"Where?"

"It's kind of a different color. You see?"

I studied the stars for a moment, and smiled. "Yeah, I see it."

He brought our hands back down and left them resting on my stomach, still intertwined. "You know what's really amazing to think about?"

"Hmm?"

"That in reality, the sky doesn't actually look anything like that." I turned to him, confused. He was smiling up at the sky. "Half of those stars have exploded, a whole new set have formed... It takes billions of years for that light to get to us. What might have happened thirty million years ago that no one will see until long after children's children are dead and gone?"

I considered that, in the long silence that followed. Leonardo turned to me and unlocked his fingers from mine. He raised his hand and brushed my hair back. "Anna, I gotta tell you..." he started. He paused for just a second and breathed deep. "I love you."

My eyes widened in shock. Did I just hear him right? Did he just say what I think he did? He watched me for a moment, then looked away. His eyes closed and a strange look crossed his face. It almost seemed to me that it was a look of shame. Surprised even more by his expression than his words, I rested a hand on his cheek, pulling his eyes to mine. He looked at me reluctantly.

"I wasn't expecting..." I stammered.

"Neither was I," he admitted. "But I can't stop think about you and... you have a right to know."

I watched his pained expression, waiting for something more. He offered nothing. A million thoughts flooded me at once. Love. I couldn't love him, but I did. And suddenly it was infinately harder to convince myself that I didn't. Emotions stirred inside of me and I debated on whether or not to even try to control them. Then, acting on instinct, I rose and closed the gap between us, bringing our lips together.

He froze for a moment and I felt his body go rigid beside me. Slowly, he relaxed. His lips parted and he welcomed me, slipping his hand into my jacket and around my waist. Our tongues met and our souls came together, hesitantly acquainting with each other. He held me tightly and I nearly went limp in his arms.

I could feel excitement growing somewhere deep inside of me, and tried to give myself a few seconds to evaluate it. This was happening very fast, and I felt powerless to stop it. It took me a moment to realize that I didn't really want to try.

Finally, he pulled away and sat up straight, crossing his legs in front of him. I pulled my knees to my chin. "I'd be lying if I said this isn't surprising the hell out of me," I admitted.

I glanced at him and saw him smiling slyly. "But you've thought about it."

I put my hands behind me and leaned back on them. "About what?"

"About us."

"How would you know?" I challenged, smiling.

"Well, am I wrong?" he retorted.

I considered that for a moment, and he looked away. "Can I guess?" he asked.

"Guess what?"

"When you started thinking about it?"

I eyed him suspiciously. "Okay, hotshot, go ahead."

He thought about it for a minute. "When I showed up here, at your apartment? You never thought you'd see me again after you left the hospital, did you?"

I laughed. That had surprised me. I didn't think he cared enough to make the effort. Visiting us at the hospital was one thing. But he was the one who'd told Mike the safest way to get into the building, and that had shocked me. I'd figued if I ever saw any of them again, it would be Mike coming for the girls.

"Way before that," I informed him, smiling.

He shot me a questioning look. "Really?"
"Yep."

He was quiet as he looked away. "Well, it couldn't have been too far before that because you were out of the hospital two weeks after the bombing."

I smiled, but said nothing. "When I walked you home that one night?" he tried again.

I laughed to myself. "How about, when I realized that you really listened to me," I suggested. "And that you cared enough to go out of your way to be nice to me."

"And when was that?" he grinned.

"The rose," I whispered.

"Wow," he chuckled. "That long, huh?"

I nodded. "I didn't think you were listening to me when I told you that."

"Why, because I didn't answer?"

"You didn't seem interested."

"Just because I don't look interested doesn't mean I'm not."

It was quiet for a minute. I glanced at him. "Hey Leo?"

"Yeah?"

"Why haven't I seen you in so long?" He didn't answer, so I continued. "I mean, you used to come over every night and then all of a sudden you're gone for four days?"

"There's a crime wave going through this city," he explained.

"Yeah, but it's not like it's your personal responsibility to make sure it stays under control. I mean, you need not kill yourself over it, working all the time."

He shrugged. "I don't look at it like that. Not like it's a responsibility. It's just that I'm one of the few who can do something about it, so why wouldn't I make an effort to try?"

"So it's not about that?" I questioned.

"What's not?"

"Why you haven't been around lately?"

He stared at me. "It's a lot of things, Anna," he informed. "I'm here now, let's just leave it at that."

I sighed. Even now, there was still so much he wouldn't tell me.