MENTAL WARFARE

December 27, 1995

LEONARDO:

I returned to the lair silently, fully expecting an outburst from one or all of my brothers. They all turned, but said nothing as I closed the door behind me. Even Raph didn't try to lecture me, although I knew I would deserve it if he did. I had not even called in the two days I had been gone, hiding inside myself and away from everyone I knew.

"Where's Master Splinter?" I asked plainly.

They looked at each other. "His room," Don finally answered.

"Is he pissed off at me?"

They all shook their heads, but none of them interrupted the tense silence. I turned away and walked to the cracked open door. I knocked quietly, and stepped inside the room as he called back. He was sitting on the edge of his bed, watching me as I entered.

"Is there anything else I need to know?" I demanded.

He said nothing for a few moments, his gaze steady on mine. "There is much I could tell you, Leonardo," he informed me. "What do you wish to know?"

"Tell me about Saki," I ordered, still standing in the open door. "Tell me everything and tell me honestly."

I walked to him, noting the way his body tensed at the suggestion. When I reached him, I dropped to my knees on the floor. "Whatever you say," I said quietly, "I will believe you."

He studied me for a moment. "Oroku Saki was my best student," he explained. "He studied under my teaching until the age of twenty-five, when he overthrew my leadership and took control of the foot clan."

"I know all that," I reminded him. "Tell me what I don't know."

He sighed. "What do you want me to tell you, Leonardo?"

"Why him?" I demanded. "If he was only twenty-five, surely there were more advanced students."

"Hai, but none better. None could defeat him in a challenge."

"There was no other reason?"

He sighed deeply. "What more reason would one need, Leonardo?"

"Did you do anything to him? To make him hate you?"

He hesitated. "The fact that I was in authority over him was reason enough."

I looked away, relieved by his words. My biggest fear was laid to rest- that Yoshi may have somehow provoked his own exile. As I considered that thought, I felt shame wash over me. How could I even think something like that? But I knew the answer. When one didn't know what to think, what to feel, what to believe, the mind could think up the craziest explanations for things one didn't understand. I pushed all of those thoughts aside, determined never to consider them again.

Finally, I looked back up at him. There was still one thing that rested heavy on my mind. One thing that bothered me to such an extent that I didn't fully understand it. "Sensei, why did you train us the way you did? Why did you raise us like that?"

"For your protection," he answered. "Against a world that I knew would never accept you."

"Were you trying to replace him?"

The words came out of my mouth before I could think of a better way to phrase them. Master Splinter froze, and I knew the answer before he spoke it. I knew before he opened his mouth that he wouldn't give me a straight answer. Because the truth would hurt, and he knew it. I could see a nervous tension sweep over him and dread filled me. Why? I asked myself. What if he was, Leo? Why does it bother you so much? I didn't know, but it did.

"In what way, my son?"

Maybe it was the fact that if it was true, then I was forever being compared to him. To a student who may have been much better than me in form and in technique. I knew Shredder was, because he could take on all four of us. And Splinter knew that, too.

"In any way," I answered. I could hear my tone change as anger flared up inside of me. I had thought that I'd forced it into submission, but now it appeared as if there was still some of it that was not in check. "Is it because he failed you, so now you're trying again? Is that what this is all about? My whole life is about replacing your long lost student? My whole life being compared to my enemy?"

"Not compared, Leonardo," he sighed.

"Not compared?" I challenged, my voice raising. "I spend my whole life trying to live up to your expectations, when they were set for somebody who was and is better than me!"

Fire flashed in his eyes. "Do not speak that way," he ordered harshly.

"He betrayed you, dammit!" I yelled. "And I'm the one who kneels here and calls you 'sensei' and now I have to find out that you still mourn him?"

"Leonardo!"

His tone silenced me. I stared at him for a moment, my teeth clenched in anger. Then I lowered my eyes. There was a great deal more that I wanted to say. More that I had to say, to find a way to explain these emotions that were burning inside of me. I breathed hard and closed my eyes, waiting for the anger to subside. He said nothing, and I felt tears burn at the backs of my eyes. They spilled onto my cheeks as the tension slowly eased from my body. I looked up again and saw him watching me.

"Sensei," I started quietly, not entirely sure how to word my next sentence. "You've lied to me. You've used me. And I think I understand why. But please..." I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. "Be honest with me now."

"Ask me then," he answered sternly. "But I will not have you comparing yourself to Oroku Saki."

"Is that not allowable for me? And yet you've done it all this time? Please." I bowed low, stopping him from speaking. "Please just tell me honestly. You said you made a choice to be Splinter, when the price of regaining your humanity would've been our lives. But even at that point, if you had been changed back, you would've been left with nothing. You could never regain the life that you had, and you knew that." I raised my eyes to his. "But if you could go back. To before any of this happened. With your students in Japan, and whatever life you possessed there. If you could see into the future, would you do things differently?"

He closed his eyes, playing over the scenario in his mind. For a long time, he didn't answer. I waited, watching him. Finally, he looked back at me. "No."

"No?"

He shook his head. "No."

I bowed my head as I felt tears flood my eyes. That answer was honest, and I knew it. A million questions still raged in my mind, but I didn't care. The heart of the problem had been exposed and mended, and I realized that it had run much deeper than I had thought it did.

"Leonardo, look at me."

I raised my eyes slowly and saw a look of concern written on his face. "You were never a replacement for Saki," he informed me. "None of you were. I raised you like sons and it was you who decided to pursue the martial arts. I did not make that decision for you. Had you chosen not to purse them, I would have loved you no less. My acceptance for you is not conditional upon your performance. It never has been."

I breathed deeply and bowed my head again, willing the tears to stop. "It pains me to hear you compare yourself to my enemy, Leonardo," he whispered. "Especially since you speak of him as if he has attained a goal which you cannot. What goal is that, Leonardo? My acceptance? My favor? You have had that all your life. Is it his level of skill which is greater? My son, I have taught you everything I know, which is no less than what I taught him. He has more experience because he has more years, but that does not mean that you cannot defeat him."

He was silent for a moment, and I swallowed hard. "He was your son."

"He told you that."

Neither of us spoke in a question, though we both expected a response. I nodded slowly. "What did he mean?"

I looked up again. "That I raised him." I cringed at the words, though I somehow had known to expect them. "That the reason why he was my best student was because I taught him from the time he was small."

I sighed. "You never told us that."

"There are many things I have never told you, Leonardo," he answered. "And many things which I will never tell you unless there is a legitimate reason why it is needed."

There was a long silence. "Why wouldn't he fight me?" I asked. "Why did he go through the trouble to kidnap Anna and take her there if he didn't even want to fight us? He wouldn't fight. He probably could've killed me, but he didn't."

"Many times, Leonardo, a greater battle is fought in the mind than in the body."

I shook my head. "I don't understand."

"You must understand that it is trust that binds this family together, Leonardo. And once that trust is shattered, we will destroy ourselves." I looked away, still confused. He sighed. "Oroku Saki knows that he cannot defeat me. But he knows my weakness, and that is in you. To destroy my weakness would gain him nothing. But to use it against me would accomplish a goal that he has sought his entire life to acheive."

"Fine," I granted. "I understand that. But why go through all of this trouble with Anna?" I looked up at him again. "Master, he wanted to kill her. He killed hundreds of people, children, to find her and when he did, he let her go without a fight. Why? I don't understand."

"Perhaps when he saw that her relation to me had potential to become active, she became more valuable alive than dead. She has the same worth in his eyes that you do. And that is a much stronger blow than to simply kill a child I knew nothing of."

"But what good does it do to just hand her back to us?"

"He did not return her without first scarring your emotions, and mine."

I hung my head again. "Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?" I sighed. "He could have done that. He probably could've killed me, too."

Splinter sighed. "In killing you, he would have lost the greatest connection between me and my daughter. The one that will lead to a future relationship that he hopes to destroy."

I was beginning to get frustrated. "Then why do anything?" I demanded. "Why not just wait and give it time?"

"Because it takes time for a seed of bitterness and distrust to grow. Especially in the heart of a faithful student."

His words hit me like a ton of bricks, and suddenly, I understood. Suddenly, I realized just how deeply this attack had wounded me, and I hadn't even known that I was being attacked, and in turn relaying that action to Master Splinter. He wanted to turn me against my sensei. Splinter was probably right about why he hadn't killed Anna once he realized that we knew her. My voice trailed off as I contemplated the words. He wanted to make me like him. Shame washed over me as I realized how like him I had been ever since my conversation with Anna. I hung my head.

"I'm so sorry, Master," I choked as the guilt hit me all at once. How could I not have seen? Moreover, how could I have allowed myself to act that way? Shredder had not been the one to tell me of Anna's relation to my sensei. The resulting anger of that revelation had come from only me. He'd only known that, and seen that I was weak. I didn't know or care how. He'd used my moment of weakness against me, which was not nearly so humiliating as how weak I had actually been.

Splinter did not answer for a long time. Then, finally, I felt his hand on the top of my head. "You are forgiven."

There was another silence, and I closed my eyes, emotion flooding through me. "Leonardo?"

I turned, slightly surprised by the voice, and looked over my shoulder. Anna stood in the doorway, wringing her hands. I held my hand out to her, but said nothing. She approached quickly and bowed as she knelt before her father. For a moment, I wondered if she was truly the only biological child he had. I pushed the thought aside. It didn't matter.

"I... came to talk to you," Anna started hesitantly. "I take it that you already know? Who I am?"

Splinter smiled. "I knew who you were from the moment I saw you, Anna," he informed her.

That was no great surprise to me, but Anna's eyes widened. "You did?" she asked, awestruck. "But... why didn't you say anything?"

He sighed deeply. "Each one of us has a responsibility to discover our destiny," he explained. "I have found mine as Splinter, and Hamato Yoshi is no more."

I smiled faintly, remembering those exact words from my childhood. She did not answer for a long time, her eyes trained on his. "Yes," she finally agreed. "But you are still my father."

He did not argue that point. "Come here, child."

I backed away slightly as she crawled closer to him and bowed her head again. He reached under her chin and raised her eyes to his. "You do look so much like your mother," he whispered.

I saw her smile, and in the faint light, it looked as if she blushed slightly. "Thank you."

He smiled in return and reached one hand up to gently brush her hair behind her ear. Then he turned to me, gesturing for me to come closer. I approached him, and heard a noise from the doorway. I did not care, and it didn't seem to phase Master Splinter. He took my hand and Anna's, and placed them together. My eyes were drawn to her, and I suddenly forgot that anything else in the world could exist outside of her beautiful, dark eyes.

"Consider this," Splinter whispered, "a father's consent, on both sides."

I watched Anna closely, suddenly unable to form words and unable to break away. "You said a committment," I reminded her.

She nodded.

"How much of a committment are you willing to make?"

She stared at me silently for a moment, then smiled. "Try me," she finally answered.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Anna," I whispered, afraid I might choke on the words. In another universe, my brothers were watching me. I could feel their eyes on me, but I didn't care.

"No matter what happens," I continued. "Where we go or what we do... I'll always love you. I'll always protect you. And I'll defend your honor to my dying breath."

Tears had formed in Anna's eyes. She studied me for a moment, smiling faintly and unable to speak. She bowed her head for a moment. "I'll be with you, Leo," she breathed, looking back up slowly. "I want to be with you. Forever." She choked on her voice and paused for a moment. "I'll love you forever... and respect you... and cherish every moment we have together 'til death do us part."

"Go then with my blessing," Splinter consented, "as husband and wife."

"Kiss the bride, Leo!" Michaelangelo called, adding an air of light humor to the seriousness.

I wrapped his arms around Anna, embraced her, and kissed her deeply. My brothers cheered. Anna blushed as she pulled away and glanced around the room at them. She bowed her head, laughing slightly.

"Anna?" I whispered.

She turned her eyes to me and I smiled at her. I didn't have to say a word. She smiled back and nodded. Without so much as a word to my brothers, I stood and pulled her to her feet, then led her past my brothers and into my room.

***

Oroku Saki still lives. The August 28th bombing of the orphanage is still an unsolved mystery to the police, as are the other fires and bombings, which have been attributed to a strange, gang related crime wave. In a way, it leaves an unresolved feeling inside of me. The murderer who took the lives of those thirty-eight children still lives comfortably, still plagues our existance. But I have to wonder if he'll ever really be gone. He has a protégé, I'm sure. A student, or perhaps a group of them. Just like Splinter. It's a never-ending battle, really. And it will be passed down through the generations. Oroku versus Hamato, as it has been for more years than I can count.

I never told my brothers what Splinter had told me. He never spoke of it again. He died the next winter of pneumonia, taking all the truth of Hamato Yoshi's life with him. I didn't mind that there were things I'd never found the courage to ask him.

On his deathbed he told me that the answer to every question lies in one's self. I haven't quite figured out what he meant by that, but I suppose it's just as well. He always did have a way of making me re-evaluate my way of thinking...