Retrograde

We pray,
Savouring sweet the teethed lies,
Bellying the grounds before alien gods
Gods, who neither know nor
wish to know that
HELL IS INTERNAL.
The Detached' by Maya Angelou

I kissed Spike.

You kissed Spike!

Shh... Will, yes... I kissed Spike.

That's what I thought you said... You mean... Buffy lips and Spike lips and... she made a coming-together motion with her hands and Buffy nodded glumly.

But Buffy... I mean... He's not like Angel.. was, he's not good.... Why did you...

I don't know Will... And its confusing... Its not like I have any warm-fuzzies for him or anything.... But it just happened.

No warm-fuzzies, that's good. Willow sighed, Maybe, I dunno, you were feeling all alone and his lips were just... there.

That's what I keep telling myself.

Wow... this makes my kissing story pale in comparison...

He didn't, you know... I mean, he didn't think it was anything special did he... Cause you really don't want another psychotic love lorn Vampire after you...

No. I'm pretty sure he just thinks I'm a kissing-slut... Or something egotistical like he was too irresistible not to kiss...

Willow wrinkled her nose and Buffy grinned. She was so glad that she had told someone, and that that someone had been Willow. The thoughts of that kiss that had been hanging over her conscience like a black cloud were now dissolved and she felt like she could move on. Of course she'd probably still turn bright red the next time she saw that particular Vampire, but he'd be blowing in the wind so fast that it wouldn't last long.

Willow shifted in her seat and looked at Buffy more seriously, a wave of hair flopped over her face as she watched her friend shyly. Buffy caught the look and frowned,

Was it, ya-know... good..?

Buffy spluttered, her feet dropping to the floor with a smack and a blush rising in her cheeks. Before she had a chance to completely denounce any pleasure that might have been gained from that certain kiss, Xander walked into the Library.

Oh! Hi Xander!

Buffy's cheerful and distracting smile quickly faded as Xander ignored both girls and moved over to the where the weapons were kept. He rooted through the selection before coming out with a crossbow and a handful of stakes.

Xander, what--?

He killed her. Xander said, as if that would explain it all. He killed her and so now he has to die.

Buffy stood slowly, shooting a glance at Willow who obviously had no idea what was happening either. She walked over to where Xander was shoving bottles of holy water into his pockets.

Who killed who? Did you find out what was wrong with Giles?

Xander's hands shook as he loaded the crossbow. His face was unmoving and emotionless, betraying nothing of the pain and anger he felt. What Giles had revealed... What had happened...

Miss Calendar is dead. Xander turned around and glared at Buffy, And your boyfriend killed her.

Willow sobbed, her eyes filling with unhelpful tears of grief. Buffy took one measured step backwards. Angelus had killed someone. Someone she knew. Miss Calender was dead... and it was probably her fault.

H-How does Giles know...?

He was there when it happened. Caught the whole glorious show...

W-Why didn't he say something...?

Why the hell do you think Buffy?! He saw his girlfriend being killed and he couldn't save her! Couldn't protect her... and couldn't take revenge on her killer...

Xander turned and made his way towards the door with weapons in his hands, Willow was curled up in her chair, silently sobbing as if her tears could make Miss Calendar come back. Buffy charged after Xander and caught his arm before he could make it out of the Library. She spun him around.

What are you doing?

Making a killing.

Xander! You think you can take all two.. three of them on alone? Not to mention however many lackeys they have...

Well, I've got to try. I suppose you'd solve this by vigorously not doing anything because you can't get over your murderer boyfriend.

For the love of-- He is not my boyfriend, Xander! And believe me no-one is angrier than me right now... But if you just storm in there its going to be one more body to the count... I can't loose you.

Her last words faltered in her mouth and betrayed the tears that were threatening to form. Xander was, however, unimpressed by the emotion. He waved his hand about dismissively.

I don't see why you'd care, if you cared about anyone but yourself then you'd have staked Angel last week and we'd all be getting on with our lives now.. Miss Calendar included.

That thing is not Angel. And you cannot begin to understand what it was like for me...

This isn't about you Buffy!

Then why are you making it sound like that! You're the one who keeps blaming me for everything that goes wrong. Wow, Xander, I'm fallible, surprise. Miss Calendar's death is no-one's fault but Angelus's... And he will be punished for it...

When, Buffy? When you decide? When more people have died?

When we know what to do, Xander! When we can beat him!

Willow stood up slowly through the argument and walked over to between her two friends, with Buffy's last utterance she flung herself into Xander's arms and wept on his shoulder. He held her instinctively, his eyes not leaving Buffy as he handed over the crossbow. She took it from him with a nod, but when she'd returned it and turned back to the hugging couple, she found them ignoring her, tears falling freely, too wrapped up in their own grief.

As quietly as she could she moved past them and out of the Library into the deserted corridor. She leant up against the doors at they closed behind her and finally allowed gave the tears permission to flow. Except for they didn't. Her eyes burnt with sorrow, but not one tear trickled down her cheeks. Her face fell into her hands and she just breathed.

***

He'd told them. A few of them. But he still didn't feel any better about it. He almost felt worse, which was stupid, how much worse could it get? He'd let the woman that he loved die, and then not even had enough strength to revenge her murder.

Their faces swum into his mind, disbelieving and pitying... They told him that it wasn't his fault, he'd done all that he could. At least he hadn't been hurt.

Giles collapsed back into the chair, drained mentally and physically. He tipped back another glass of JD, enjoying briefly the stinging sensation and the lightening of certain things. But only briefly, alcohol worked that way.

He'd drained her life out through her neck, and she'd screamed, and he'd just stood there. Now he could think of so many different ways that he could have saved her, or avenged her death. But he had just run away. And he didn't understand.

He wondered vaguely whether it was the alcohol that made the world look blurry or his lack of glasses. Anything to divert the topic. He was swaying emotionally like a teenager, one minute feeling guilt, then grief, then anger, then shame. At shame he usually refilled his glass and took another swig.

Giles emptied the rest of the bottle into the small glass and stared at it. He could feel himself teetering on the edges of coherence and drunken oblivion and the last glass should be the decider.

He'd almost got her back. He'd comforted her, inadvertently revealed his feelings, forgiven her and in a moment of macho pride gone after those who would hurt her. Failure. All his fault.

Giles grabbed the glass and flung its contents into his mouth, hardly tasting it. All he was aware of was the dull ache of his head as it hit the desk before everything turned a sickly black colour.

***

Spike slumped against the far wall of the crypt, pulled out a packet of cigarettes and removed one. With the lighter flicked open he watched the flame wearily as he lit up. Bloody Slayer, having him trapped in here so that he couldn't be out killing all day... Or trapped here so that she could come back some time and stake him.

He'd paced around the whole place, cobwebs to dust bunnies, and still found no way of escaping without touching the sunlight. He didn't have much of a problem with that other than the uneasiness of what was being planned for him by the Slayer.

If he could get out, where would he go anyway? Back to the mansion to get his ass kicked by Angelus again and Dru's betrayal rubbed in his face? Nah. If truth be told he was kinda glad to be trapped, it meant that he could avoid tackling those difficult issues for a few hours at least.

The Slayer burst through the crypt door and Spike leapt to his feet. He barely had time to offer a curse or let the cigarette fall from his mouth before he was being punched brutally. He spat out a mouthful of blood and cigarette before being punched again, and again in the face.

After the third punch he managed to reply with one of his own, but it was blocked almost straight away. He found himself being thrown across the crypt and smashing into the opposite wall. This was ridiculous.

Slayer, what--

A kick to the stomach and an elbow in his back before his face was being punched again. He didn't spot a stake in either of her hands, or pockets so he guessed that this was just her idea of fun. Beating up an innocent Vampire, a few hours after kissing said Vampire passionately. No wonder Angel had gone evil.

He felt his newly set jaw snap again and the wounds previously inflicted begin to bleed again along with some new ones. He began to see what a Slayer really could do when in the right mindset. If she was angry before, now she was pissed. Very, very pissed. He'd been stupid to think he could ever kill her.

...He could though.

Spike was beaten to the floor, Buffy straddling him and still punching. She didn't even see him clearly, all that was registering were the soft thuds of punches connecting or being deflected. Her muscles weren't even getting tired and she had a lot of fury to work through. Living punching bags were always the best, and it was good that she remembered where she could find one today.

Spike didn't even bother fighting back after a while, just trying to stop as many punches as he could. 'Attack is the best form of defence' had obviously never been tested on a Slayer. He tried with one punch and she gave two back even as she deflected his fist.

Buffy didn't even notice that the tears were flowing down her face until she felt the wetness under her chin. At first she thought that it was blood, but she had not been hit once so that couldn't be it. She blinked her eyes and fresh tears fell and formed in one swift motion. Her fists slowed and then stopped completely, leaving her to stare down at the Vampire beneath her.

Jenny was dead.

Spike blinked a few times as the rain of blows suddenly stopped, he coughed the blood out of his throat and looked around wildly for a stake. But instead all he saw was the Slayer, staring down at him with tears in her eyes. Was she crying about him? Oh, yeah, like she cared whether she'd beaten him into a bloody pulp. He gathered all of his remaining energy and punched her hard in the face.

Buffy jerked sideways, then crawled backwards until her back touched the crypt wall. She sat down on the floor and lowered her head into her hands as the tears came constantly now. The blow from Spike hadn't hurt at all, and she actually forgot that he was there, too wrapped up in her own grief to care.

Spike sat up slowly, and stared openly at the crying Slayer. After the minutes had passed and she still hadn't stopped he stood up quietly. He walked over to where his cigarettes had fallen out of his duster pocket and picked them up. Once he had lit one he leant up against the opposite wall and watched the small girl wearily. It wouldn't be fair to kill her while she's crying, he thought. It didn't occur to him that he usually didn't care what was fair and what wasn't. He just stood and watched her in unantagonistic silence, taking random drags on his cigarette.

(Author's Note: Shades of S6, sorry. I actually had a good sleep last night, dreaming up fan fic, which is no joke. I dreamt of this whole other season five episode which was kinda like Gladiator except for it was one-on-one Spike-Angel fighting with Buffy cheering on. Spike won of course. Not bad for a dream that started with Rowan Atkinson and Tim-Nice-But-Dim. The worst part of course was when I woke up and realised that this episode wasn't actually real. Damn. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far.)