Crumbling

Cause I still have a secret
In the dark I keep it close
I still have a secret no one knows
I may crack, but I'll never shatter
Shatter' by Meredith Brooks

Hey Will!

Willow turned in the corridor and beamed at Buffy. The other girl was looking pristinely groomed and Willow decided that it was a nice for her best friend. Buffy so rarely got a chance to look pretty around demons and weapons. The blonde girl caught up with her friend and they began to walk together to lunch, falling into step.

So, what's up?

Instead of answering Willow pulled her bag off her shoulder and while still walking extracted a newspaper from it. She turned over several pages before pointing out a pictureless article.

Looks like another killing from our abstract. And this time in town. Am I the only one bothered by the fact that deaths are so common in Sunnydale that they don't even make the front page anymore?

Buffy took the paper from Willow and peered at the article for a moment before pointing out several choice statements.

Neck wounds... Blood loss... Looks more like a Vampire attack.

Yeah. But you were patrolling last night.

Buffy grimaced, But no stakage.

No Vamps?

There was a Vampire. But only the annoying bleached kind. Not the bitey kind.

They can't be the same thing...? Willow said carefully.

What? No. I don't think this was the work of Spike.

Oh... Well, I suppose its good that our new creature hasn't moved yet...

Dammit... I should have patrolled last night. I just thought... Ugh. Now Spike's getting in the way of my work!

And yet strangely you never get this upset when he's getting in the way of your schoolwork. Willow said lightly, Besides, you can't stake every Vamp in Sunnydale.

But Will... This girl is now dead because of me. Because I wanted to get home and sleep rather than wander the streets.

This is not your fault. You can't save everyone Buffy...

I know... But.... Why not?

Willow shrugged at her friend sadly, she had no answer for that one. The two girls turned, walked into the dining hall and sought out a spare table. Xander, Cordelia and Oz joined them almost straight away. The conversation revolved around menial things and Buffy stayed silent, smiling at the jokes flung around but not really listening. She'd perfected that little move a few months ago. It was easier to pretend to be happy than to answer the continuous volley of questions about why she wasn't. She appreciated her friends concern, it just got annoying, especially seeing as they could never understand what it was like. To be her.

Great way to be pretentious Buff. Just great.

***

Another, Willy...

Uh... Yeah... Sure Spike.

Willy took the glass tentatively from the blonde and refilled it. He slid the container back and the Vampire lifted it up to his mouth in one swift movement. Willy watched, his left hand pressed against a cloth on the bar and making nervous circling motions--cleaning. Spike eyed the slimy little snitch as the alcohol burned his throat. He smacked his hand down and caught stilled barkeeper's.

That was a pretty full glass Willy... You feeling generous or guilty?

Willy grinned nervously, What do I have to be guilty about...?

How about you telling the Slayer where I was. Spike's eyes narrowed mercilessly.

The light chatter in the bar stopped and slowly eyes turned towards the pair. The demons put up with Willy because he sold good stuff at low prices, but setting the Slayer onto a demon was unacceptable. Some of the audience glanced at the door, wondering if they should escape, and some leant back in their chairs waiting for the entertainment to start.

W-W-What? I wouldn't...

Spike pulled back his hand and brought it to his forehead. He rubbed his temple as if a headache was forming there. Willy moved a few steps back then shifted on his feet, anticipating an attack. After a laboured moment Spike gestured to the empty glass in front of him.

Fill er up, Willy...

***

You know, Buffy, Vampires don't usually come out in the daytime..

Buffy span around and couldn't help the smile that spread across her face. She had been wandering through a graveyard or two after school but before dark just... Looking. Or that was what she maintained.

she shrieked and moved forward to hug the girl that had snuck up on her.

Kendra smiled, but backed away from the contact politely. The two girls glanced each other over. Looking not only at clothes but also movements, checking fitness and agility just by the way they stood on the springy graveyard moss.

You look well. Kendra finally said, approvingly.

So do you. Buffy countered. Her eyes drifted to the suspicious looking bag hanging by the other girl's thigh, I didn't know this was B.Y.O.W. she said, grinning.

Kendra stared at her for an uncomprehending second before catching on and reaching into the black bag. She pulled out a long, thin sword. Holding it up in the light, and both Slayers admired its craftsmanship, Kendra for its strength and Buffy for its... shininess. She wasn't much of a weapons expert. Call her shallow.

It is for fighting the demon.. she turned the blade over, If we cannot stop Angelus in time den dis may close the portal... I tink...

Well... Its always good to have a back-up. But I have faith in you.. and my friends.

...I am still not very sure about fighting with dem..

They know what they're doing. Most of the time. And they'll be good back-up.

But what if one of them dies?

Well, you're there to make sure that doesn't happen. If I didn't care about them then I wouldn't have called for you. she paused and considered, Sorry. Its just... You're not just there to slay Angelus, you're there to protect them.

...I'm not trained to-- she started disdainfully.

I know. Call me Buffy the life councillor. Learn how to work with them. You might like it.

Kendra nodded obediently and Buffy was reminded of just how silent the other girl could be when she wanted to. Perhaps it was Slayer training, Giles was always telling her to be quiet. Hmm.

***

Willow knocked softly on the door. She knew that Oz's parents were out and so the only person who could possibly answer the door was her boyfriend. If he answered. He had been acting so strangely lately. And for a werewolf that fights evil, strange is strange. She felt like she should be doing more to help him. But she didn't know what. It was probably one of those things that they'd taught in school when she'd had that one sick day in the second grade. Like How to be popular'.

Soft footsteps were the only warning she had before the door swung open. Oz stood bleary eyed before her, his spiked orange hair looking a little flat. At the sight of her he smiled, but even that couldn't light up the bags under his eyes.

Hey Will.

Hey, Oz, whatcha doin'?

Hanging out, you know... At my house. You?

Hanging out, you know... At your house.

They both grinned. Oz dragged a hand through his hair and Willow rearranged the books in her arms. Oz noticed.

Yeah. I thought you could help. Being all cute and clever and stuff...

Mmm. Will, you're cuter and smarter... What's the real reason?

I just feel like.. she ducked her head, ..We haven't seen much of each other recently.

Will. I see you everyday...

Would it be too corny of her to say But I don't see you'? That was what it felt like sometimes. At least knowing that it bothered her would show him that she cared right? Or was it uncool to care? Commitment and stuff.

I just want us to be honest with each other. she blurted out.

Right. So why don't you honestly tell me why you're here.

Will. Its okay. As long as you didn't come with bullets of silver there's nothing you can say that could make me run.

Are you all right? Willow brushed back a strand of hair, I've been worried about you. You skip loads of school. And its not like I care about that especially. Education is important. But its not that. I never see you. And as you're not having an affair--right?--I worry about what you're doing... How you're handling all of this... What's.. wrong?

Oz reached out and pulled her hand into his. His head tilted down, his eyes darted about, avoiding his girlfriend's figure nervously. She waited patiently until his soft sigh told her that he was really ready to speak. His gaze levelled and their eyes met.

Things are just so surreal. But not. You know? I mean, three nights of the month I black out with no knowledge of what I'm doing. What if I escape and hurt someone? And its not even just that. Its the feeling that my life isn't my own. Like its taking over. And I can't fight it. He took a breath. It would be nice for it to have been shaky, but this was Oz, he started again. I didn't know her well. But she was, real, you know? And now she's gone. And dead. Should I feel guilty because I didn't know her? Or because I grieve when she didn't even know me.

And you're probably wondering why I'm talking so much about reality. Right? I mean, ours is kinda skewed.. I talk about it because... sometimes I don't feel real. I am a werewolf, am I even real? Perhaps this is just a teenage thing. Yeah? Hormonal depression and--

Oz! Oz. Willow squeezed his hand hard and he stopped speaking. His eyes lost their misty look. She smiled, That's probably the most I've heard you speak, ever.

He returned the smile, distantly.

Oz, I love you, and what you're feeling. I'm feeling too. Not the werewolf thing. But the other stuff. I think its right to feel like that. Perhaps not right, but normal. You know? We can get through it together...

His hand lost grip of hers and their fingers brushed against each other tentatively as the parted. He took a step backward into his house, and again his eyes weren't meeting hers.

I love you, Will, but... But I don't know. He looked up and seconds before shutting the door murmured, I'm sorry.

***

Oz pondered leaning up against the closed door, but it seemed kinda cliché, you know? Like he'd just dumped the love of his life. She was the love of his life, but there was no dumping. He just needed to sort his head out, and as much as telling her the problem had probably relieved some tension on his part, there was still a lot more to get through.

What she'd said had... Made him angry. Cold, not hot. Perhaps he was just too self-involved, but it hurt him when she said that the feelings he was having were normal. Because he didn't want to be normal. No-one did really, did they? They always wanted to be prettier, or smarter or... something else better. Individual, that was it. It occurred to him that he was being stupid. He just shut the door on Willow. What if she was crying...

It was better. The werewolf stuff that she'd blaséd was pretty crucial. He didn't want to hurt her. Ever. Great way to show it.

Oz reached over and picked up his guitar from its home by the stairs. He was going to skip the Dingo's practice that night for the meeting, but... He wasn't sure he'd be that welcome. So he'd go and practice chords, and continue to be an idiot. After all, he did do that so well.

***

Seems like you need to make a choice..

Spike raised his head from the bar and dragged his eyes open. His mouth tasted like an alcohol filled ash tray and he couldn't tell how long he'd been sleeping. Or even if he'd been sleeping at all.

Your hypothetical question? The answer is that you need to make a choice.

He blinked around, wondering if someone was speaking to him, and if they were how quickly he could kill them and fall asleep again. Slowly the bartenders mouth swum into view, moving as he polished a glass. Spike groaned.

Willy. What t' ell are you talkin' about?

The bartender took a careful step back. That was the first words the Vampire had spoken consciously in a couple of hours after threatening to kill everyone who spoke over his hangover. He'd muttered a lot, and that was the usual way that Willy got his information, from the mouths of drunken barflies, but he didn't think Spike would be too keen on the idea of being... pumped. Still, to lie might also be death-inducing.

Your problem with the girl--

Suddenly Spike was very awake. What had he talked about? And who to? He couldn't remember anything, and that was a sure sign of trouble as he usually had a good memory.

What girl? He snapped angrily.

We don't know.. a gruff voice to his right husked, Never said her name. Spike turned his head and took in the seven foot Minot demon that was now continuing thoughtfully, Wish you had. Sounds like a nice bit of--

Hey, Dan, Daniel... Willy intervened diplomatically, Don't want to get Spike all angry now, do you?

Oh. Please. I wouldn't fight someone called Daniel even if my unlife depended on it. Demon has to have some standards.

The Minot, Daniel, snorted into his drink but ducked his head in an indication that he would remain silent for the rest of the day. Apart from his extreme height and horn in the middle of his forehead he was almost exactly human. And in no way strong enough to fight the Vampire. Even if he was pissed.

Now. Willy. What do I have to chose between? Spike asked frostily.

Well, uh.. Willy slid the Vampire another glass of alcohol hopefully, This girl and your... uh... other stuff. Your past.

Spike stared at the drink for a moment before chucking, Yeah. Change for a girl, and how whipped would that make me?

Several other demons around the bar laughed appreciatively.

Suddenly Spike paled, if that is even possible, and his eyes darted around the room desperately. After a few moments of frantic searching he fixed his gaze on Willy who shrunk back from the concern in the Vampire's eyes before he asked.

What time is it?

(Author's Note: So Jaymi, when you say angst you really mean... Melodrama, yes. Uh huh. Okay. Its apology time. Its been one week since my last... update and I feel terrible about it. I had a severe case of writers block. I'd like to promise a finish date or something but.... well, see WITW AS3. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far, its bread and water.)