...Else To Do

Watch me break
Watch me burn
No-one is listening
My friends...
Miss World' by Hole

...boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past...

Buffy broke away from chewing her bottom lip to tilt her head sideways and look at the Vampire to her left. She narrowed her eyes with scrutiny and tried to forget the hour of silent boredom that he had just broken with... nonsense.

What?

Another mental sigh pressed itself into her brain for a moment before he replied,

Nothing.

Whatever.

Buffy moved her shoulders uncomfortably, looking anywhere but at the bleached Vampire as she tried to work out an escape root. Despite all of his forward thinking once his digits had touched hers they'd fallen into un-blissful silence. Even when their hands had moved apart the uncomfortable quiet had stretched into an oblivion of sound.

Doesn't seem like your mate is going to come through.

Spike iterated, voicing the very thought that was going through Buffy's head at that moment. He was surprisingly nice about it, but it still made Buffy's gut twist to have to defend Willow when the redhead seemed to have forgotten them.

I'm sure--

Yeah, yeah, she'll do it in a minute. If you say so Slayer, I think we should find our own way out of here.

How? Without the glowing talisman...

...We can't make it material. That doesn't mean we can't get out of here.

How exactly, Spike, ask it nicely?

I don't know. The Vampire admitted, hating already the way that this conversation was turning out. An hour before he'd seen hope for his new un-life choice, but now it seemed dim. After a few moments of holding her hand he'd chickened out and pulled back. She'd not said anything, he'd not said anything. And there had been silence all around. And now she was angry with him, which meant of course that it was about the hand-holding, whatever the bitch said. On top of that he was the only one trying to escape to help her friends, which for him, being evil and such, was a new experience.

It'd be nice to look back. Buffy admitted quietly, out of the blue, her eyes fixed on a spot far away. Spike opened his mouth to speak for a second, and to reprimand her, before remembering that it would not be wise to speak out loud in front of the beast. And when he did answer her it was not to berate.

I know, pet.

Suppose you'd look back to a nice massacre with Dru at your side?

And you'd look back to snuggling up with your Angel?

No. Buffy said after a pause. I'd go back to where you guessed earlier... The time before Vampires. Was there ever a time like that for you?

My human part, yes. First time I met a Vampire was my last time living.

Buffy's brow crinkled in thought for a second before she pressed a question to him, still staring at that far off point as if afraid to see his facial expression when he answered.

If demons are just Vampires who take over human's bodies, why do you talk about your bodies experiences as if they were your own?

Well... The Vampire wasn't sure why he was revealing everything to this Slayer. Perhaps his decision to change really was taking hold and making him honest and truthful. Or maybe he was just bored, which was more likely. ...Its like you're born into the body you're given. Before there is nothing, then you're put into this body and all you know is that you're hungry. Then when you've... fed. You pick up everything around you. You see who you are; a killer. And you see who your prey are; humans. And you think that's how it is. But you can't remember anything, except for your host's memories. And they become yours, just like your host's name, and because you remember doing all of those things you believe you did do them. And its not like you're in their body anymore, you are their body. You're them.

...So a Vampire is really just a human without a soul?

Spike wrinkled his forehead and wanted to tell her that it was more than that. But he couldn't find the words to explain it, to explain what it was like to be a demon. To have nothing, then to have everything, at a terrible price, but to like it. It was hard to express, so instead he just agreed.

Yeah, I guess.

That drinks blood and kills people, she added for emphasis, nice.

Humans kill people too, luv.

Not normal humans.

What's normal? I'm sure there were people who thought that Hitler was a pretty nice bloke when they met him, regardless of what he did. Surely that's worse? Committing a crime with a soul than without.

Hitler was really great for you Vamps wasn't he. Every time people call you evil you bring out Hitler. How do we know that he wasn't a demon? He was just a minority...

Luv, you're dodging the question. Spike said tersely.

I... Buffy's thoughts drifted off as the old demon's are evil' mantra paraded its way through her head. This time she wondered if it was really true. Everything that she'd been told... Were demons really the enemy? Then she thought of her mom, deathlike in a hospital bed. And Jenny, killed before her boyfriend's eyes. And herself. Heart broken for loving a demon. No. Demons were evil.

And she needed to stop talking to this one before she began to think any differently.

Hey, luv. Spike said urgently, pulling her out of her train of black-and-white thought. I've just thought of a way for us to get out of this... he said, gesturing around at the white mist encasing the both of them.

You kissed back... didn't you? The question was already out of her mind before she could stop it.

W-What? Spike wasn't aware that you could stutter in your mind, and this way of enlightenment was not very welcoming. Why did she want to talk about this now that he had found a way out? Wasn't she the Queen of Denial?

Buffy glanced around at their misty cage and didn't feel nearly as panicked as she had before. No pain. No battling. Just relaxing and talking. It was kinda sad when to took getting pinned to a tree by a mystical force for her to have some alone time. Even if it was alone time with Spike.

The first time...

Spike shifted, as much as he could while pressed against the tree, as the question was left hanging. Was she going to start blaming it all on him again? He could almost feel the stake in his chest already. But would it really do any harm for him to admit it? She couldn't kill him now and he could always... run like hell when they escaped. Wuss.

Yeah... I guess.

And the other time I kissed... back. We kissed. Each other.

There was a subtle wonder in her voice that he might have found intriguing had he not been suspicious of what was to come next. Yes. They'd kissed. Was she only just realising that?

Uh, luv, not that I don't like...

His words trailed off as she began to laugh, eyes closed and mouth spread in a wide open-grin. Her hands pressed to her stomach as if she was trying to stop all of her organs from bursting out and laughing at him as well. He guessed that it was stupid of him to hope that she'd actually... like... the kisses. Think they meant something? Hang on Spike, when did you think they meant something? You wanted to kill her.

Tears rolled down the Slayer's cheeks covertly, drifting down her skin to drip off the edge of her face and onto the forest ground. At least they could escape. If they made a best-timing-ever' award she should win it. Somewhere in the depths of her brain her subconscious must have made the decision between confronting some repression, or escaping. Timing. It shouldn't be a big deal. She'd kissed a Vampire. He'd kissed her back. She'd have to kill him. It happened. To her. But a question kept popping into her mind sporadically just like a certain unstakeable Vamp, annoying and emergent; What now? So you stake him. Cry. Then spend the rest of your life wondering, what if. Or, you don't, date another Vamp, become a social outcast, but it doesn't really matter because you'll be dead before anyone finds out.

A cold voice broke through the laughter, thoughts and tears.

What exactly did you think happened?

I...

Though it was all my fault? Horny Spike jumping your bones?

Just lie Buffy. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie--

Well, yeah.

And then I was gonna... kill you?

Mmm... she confirmed, hesitantly before asking, Weren't you?

I... No... Hadn't really thought about it.

Liar. Ever since you came to Sunnydale all you've talked about is killing me.

But not after... them.

They were just kisses Spike. Not saying I'm bad kisser... but changing your life with my mouth....?

Depends what you do with your mouth.

Spike arched a brow and she scowled, even if she did concede that she had walked into that one. He had to wonder what she was getting into here. Asking questions of him that he wasn't even ready to answer for himself. Let alone the uppity bitch who was gonna kill him.

You wanted something more Slayer...? Love? Commitment? White picket fence to impale Vampires on as you avert Apocalypses?

God, Spike. It was just a few kisses. Sorry I asked. Its never happening again.

Buffy watched as the Vampire next to her bit his lower lip. Could it be that he was actually stopping himself from saying something? Spike? Master of Pissing-People-Off-With-Snark? She was seriously sorry she'd brought it up at all. But under the circumstances it was good, she supposed, that they'd talked about it like adults.

You ever get tired, Buffy? Tired of... lying?

I'm not... I admit it; we kissed. I made a choice; it wont happen again. Sounds mature to me.

Mature. I'm over a hundred and I don't even know what that means. Most people who're mature are crying on the inside from all the... lack of feelings. Trying so hard to be grown-up so that they don't have to deal with all the cuts on the inside. So people won't see. Bloody stupid.

Spike...

I'm telling you now Buffy; its going to happen again.

But--

It is. Cause I'm not mature, and neither are you.

He'd said her name twice. It was oddly personal, as if finally he wasn't just talking to the killer part of her. The hunter. He was talking to the girl. Sure they were all the same person... but it was nice. The complicated mystery that is Buffy. Hah.

Spike mentally kicked himself. Hell, if it wasn't impossible he would have physically kicked himself as well. What had happened to his epiphany that they analysed things too much. So much talking and all it amounted to was another way to hold back. Deep thoughts of a Vampire were kinda useless weren't they?

So what was your plan? Buffy asked, changing the subject, quick to expand upon her question in case he got the wrong idea, To get out... What was your plan?

Instead of telling her, because that would be too simple, he decided to show her. Breaking eye-contact he turned and slammed his fist into the mist on his left as if trying to punch his way through it. He could almost hear the words of rebuttal about to leave her mind--

--Staring at the stars, bloodlust sated, night so br--Writhing beneath him, trying to escape?, no, loving every second of--Laughter aching limbs--Dark corridors, no place to hide, it'd end soon--

--WHAT ARE YOU? CRAZY?

Back in the forest Spike took a second to blink and rub the numbing flesh on his hand before answering the pissed off Slayer.

Worried were you?

Only for myself.

What a surprise.

So that was your plan? Drive yourself mad so I could have some Looney Toons entertainment for all of eternity?

Pretty much.

Spike couldn't meet her eyes for a moment, in fact his head was turned fully away even as he was speaking to her. He had felt the breath catch in his throat even before he realised he needed it no longer; the bloodlust flare even as he beat it down; the normal kind of lust scratch his demon to the surface for a few out-of-control seconds; and human fear touch his monster heart to make it phantom-beat for a precious moment. After a few more seconds he twisted his head around, surprised that he remembered how. And surprised that he was surprised in the first place. Perhaps his plan was not the best idea; but it was the only one.

Buffy eyed her Vampire companion and tried to tell her heart to stop beating so quickly. Honestly, it was like she was chiming a dinner bell for every Vamp in the neighbourhood. Or at least that was how it sounded in her ears. She had not been afraid. Not at all. But the screams that had issued from Spike's mouth as he punched out and was caught for what must have been only a second, though it felt like more, had... agitated her. As soon as denial forced the fear down from her throat anger took its place. Something that she always had a lot of, but before she could begin yelling at him he spoke again.

Stupid bint. Of course that wasn't my plan. Look at the beast.

Spike turned his head and watched as the Slayer flicked her eyes over the monster that was keeping them captive. The fur which had just been well-worn before now was almost absent from redraw skin, and the battered animal looked more worse-for-wear that it ever had before. Even as the pair watched it struggled to shift shape and rejuvenate what it had lost.

I figure that it takes energy for it to hurt us with our own memories, so it takes it out of its physical form. Spike explained.

Her lips fell open into a small o' as she took in the beast and he couldn't stop the faintest of smiles that crept onto his lips. It was quickly banished, however, when she looked back at him, her amazement not masking the clear fury.

You couldn't have just told me? You had to show? With the screaming and the... screaming?

You wouldn't have believed me.

I would.

We don't have that kind of trust Slayer. Besides, show-and-tell is so much quicker with you, see what happens when we talk... Spike gestured around to make his point clear.

So your plan is to...

Suck it of its energy. Either it'll lose form here and we win, or it'll have to let us go to stay and we'll be free.

Spike expected Buffy to argue more. To point out that they could go mad before they were free. Or that we didn't know what the beast could do next. But, for the first time perhaps, he saw why she had been Chosen. Instead of punching him or telling him to think of another plan; instead of calling him a stupid bloodsucker and ignoring him from then-on-in, she put out her hand.

Its palm facing was him and for a second he wasn't sure what to do. Her glare was enough to start him into motion and he placed his hand against hers. She twisted her fingers around his, but instead of the friendly gesture of earlier, she dug her nails into the back of his hand and in one motion forced their joined hands forward into the bright mist wall covering both of them.

He barely had enough time to register the fact that she had accepted his plan before painful light exploded behind his eyes.