Title: Rhapsody

Confusion and Boarding School

~*~

"Andhepassestheballtonumber23……aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand SCORE!—"

"YES YES YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!" an ever-so-mature 13 year old Petunia did a victory dance around the living room.

"HA! IN your FACE! Weeeeeee!!"

"Petunia Evans!…shut UP, I'm TRYING to write my essay on the Machiavellian vs the Oedipal motives behind Hamlet's actions!" Lily's face poked through the door way, her 11 year old features contorted into a mask of pain.

"Hamlet? What, is that kinda like Spam? Oh…wait…wasn't there this baseball player—" Petunia smirked.

"AHH!! Stupidity thy name is Petunia!"

"Oh come on Lily! How can you NOT like SPORTS?! The excitement! The cute, muscular GUYS, the thrill! The—"

"the muddiness, the predictability, the stupidity, the bloodiness, the gore, the--"

"BLOOD! AH! And did I mention the GUYS?! DROOL!"

"Whatever, and for the record, I don't dislike all sports, I just have yet to find one that I like!"

With that, the thump thump of someone rushing up the stairs was heard, and an earthquake rocked through the house as a door was slammed.

In the kitchen, two parents crawled out from under the table, frightened expressions on their faces…a pained whimper escaped one.

"What are we gonna dooooo?"

~*~

"We have decided to send you girls to boarding school."

            Silence.

            "Helloo? I SAID, we're sending you to BOARDING SCHOOL."

"WHAAAATTTT?!!! You can't do that! You love me! Don't you?! DON'T YOU?! What about Football? What about BASEBALL?! What about HOCKEY?!" Petunia tossed her glass at the wall and began to scream.

"Ahem, I beg your pardon?" Lily blinked, crossed her legs, frowned, and a nearby vase spontaneously combusted.

"…"

Kaboom!

"Oh my DEARS! LOOK what I just FOUND! I was out walking my dah-ling Floofy this morning, and  I just HAPPENED to see this in your mailbox, don't you think it's the most WONDERFUL-ist news EVER? I could just EXPIRE from HAPPINESS! LILY Dahling! I'm SO proud of you. Oh I could just FAINT!—"

"I wish you would" Lily mumbled wondering exactly why their neighbor just barged into their house at 8:30AM, wearing a pink sundress, and a matching bonnet.

"This is just EVER so exciting! You MUST come shopping with me, I mean we're like practically FAMILY, I had no IDEA that you were a witch you SILLY love, you should have TOLD me! Why I recall—"

"Er, excuse me, Ms. Aserke—"

"Oh but you MUST call me Candy, Auntie Candy just sounds SO adorable doesn't it?!"

By this time, Lily and Petunia's parents were under the table again.

"Yeees…well, I'm sure it does, so I was wondering if you could clarify—exactly what are you taking about?"

"Why you're introduction to Witchhood of course." 'Auntie Candy' radiated enthusiasm. "It's comparable to becoming a woman when you get your first…well…you know. In this case, you're officially dubbed a Witch, when you receive your letter from Hogwarts."

"I wasn't aware Hogs HAD warts, and even if they did, I don't recall receiving letters from one. And if you mean warthogs, aren't they only found in Africa?" Lily scowled, wanting to get back to her rapidly cooling toast.

Auntie Candy blinked. "Not Hogs-with-warts dear, heavens forbid we send you to school in a HOG…or even in Africa—I mean really, although as I recall, our dorms did rather resemble a pigsty—"

"WAIT! Wait, did you say school? Did you say DORMS?!" Mr. Evans leapt out from under the desk and shoved Lily towards the mass of pink. "Why, yes, yes, she'd LOVE to attend this Hogwarts-boarding-school-like-institution. Absolutely ADORE. Now why don't you take her and go and catch up on some of that shopping you were taking about." And Lily found herself shoved out of the door, and practically into the arms of her newfound Auntie.

"So," Auntie Candy continued to beam, "Here's your letter, shall we get started?" And Lily was dragged onto a bus, which had seemingly appeared from nowhere.

Meanwhile…back inside the house….

"So, Petty, about this boarding school business…."

"NO!"

"But see how ENTHUSIASTIC your SISTER was about the whole business!"

"I DON'T WANNNAAA WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

~sigh~

***

A/N: I'm having trouble with the talking parts, format-wise…any suggestions? I also get the feeling it's…er, a bit confusing at points. Maybe I should rewrite it…?

To Come: Shopping, Clarifications, more of Dippet, and Mr. Potter.