Justice

by Cirocco

Semi-sequel to Pretty Picture.

1. Homecoming

CHAPTER 1: HOMECOMING

Author's Note: OK, phew, this is the last of the Pretty Picture stories.  It gives me hope that some day I may finish the Aftershock ones too!  I swear if I'd known waaay back in January what I was getting into starting PP, I just might have thrown my hands up in the air and run screaming.  In any case, thanks, Mary for encouraging me to get it written.

By the way, this is sort of a semi-sequel - at the end of PP, there's about a nine-month gap between the last chapter and the epilogue.  This takes place in the nine-month gap.

Oh, in case anybody's wondering about Aftershock: McCoy, yes, that is coming along... slowly as two snails playing cricket, but it is coming along.  It might even be readable sometime soon.  And there's also a sequel to Walk and Don't Look Back, burbling away.  Regrettably, both are coming slowly due to me going back to school.  I don't know what's wrong with me, allowing RL to take precedence over fanfic :)

Added note:As a sequel, it won't make any sense if you haven't read PP, but reading the companion pieces (Burden, Matrimony, Purgatory) is not necessary.

===

Sunday, January 4
2:02am

Here, baby, you're gonna like this... you better pray that God can help you, 'cause nobody else here will.  In fact, they'd like to watch... whattaya think, you wanna put on a show?  Feel like a big man now?  Betcha wish you had your handcuffs, huh Detective?

Rey awoke in a cold sweat, just like the last three nights.

"Rey?" Deborah's sleepy voice brought him back to reality.  She touched his shoulder and before he could tell his body what to do he was pulling away from her violently, getting out of bed, heart racing.

"Rey-"

He barely kept control, forcing down his panic.  Shit, shit, shit.  Breathe.  Breathe in and out, you can do this.  He clenched his fists, heart threatening to jump out of his chest, feeling an overwhelming need to run and get away.

"Rey.  Please.  Talk to me."

He wanted to answer her, but there was another voice that was louder than hers, telling him just how much he was going to wish he was dead.

"Rey!" Deborah's voice, sharp.  Had to get it together enough to answer her before she woke up the whole family.

"I'm OK," meaningless words.  He was not OK.  When you're afraid to go to sleep because you know you'll spend the night with a monster in your dreams, when you're afraid to lie down next to your wife because she might touch you in the night and you'll mistake her for somebody else and kill her, you're very, very far from OK.  But he didn't have words for how he actually felt.

"Rey.  Sit down, please."

"I - I can't.  I'm gonna go for a run, OK?" he pulled on a pair of sweat pants and a heavy shirt, noticing that the t-shirt he'd gone to sleep in was soaked through with perspiration.  Not bothering to take it off before getting dressed.

"Rey, please-"

Had to get out, had to get out.  It was an almost frantic need.  Not to be confined, not to be closed in.  Not to be near anybody.  He left the bedroom, bumping into his sister in the hallway.

"Rey?"

"Going out for a run," he shouldered past her before she could stop him, full of older-sister concern that he just couldn't take right now.

Pounding sprint, run until all of his muscles hurt, run until there was nothing but exhaustion and the overload of adrenaline was replaced by endorphins.  Run until all the images and voices were gone.  Just run and run and run.

===

Finally he headed back home, with barely enough energy left to drag himself up the stairs.  He reached his floor and paused outside the door, hoping against hope that Deborah and Lisa had gone to back to sleep and he could just go to sleep too.  Saw a light under the door, voices inside.  Damn.

OK, he would go in and plead exhaustion, surely they'd let him go to sleep, it was almost 3am.

"Rey?"

"Daddy?"

"Serena," he said, out of breath, "What are you doing up?"

"I heard you go out.  How come you're up, Daddy?"

"I went for a run."  Deborah and Lisa were also in the living room.  God damn it, the problem with living with nothing but females was that they always looked at you with those worried eyes.  If he had sons and a brother at home he wouldn't have this problem.  But no, a wife, a sister, and four daughters under the same roof, in two bedrooms.  And him the only male, smothered by their concern.

"Rey-"

"Not now, I have to shower," he quickly pulled a new pair of boxers and a t-shirt out of a drawer in the bedroom and headed for the washroom.

"Rey-"

"God damn it, leave me alone!" he pushed past his sister into the washroom.  Slammed the door in her face, a lot harder than he'd meant to, and heard Tania wail.  Crap.  Oh well, Lisa was here so she could damn well take care of Tania.  He turned on the shower and stripped off his soaked clothing, only now realizing that he was freezing. The shower was lukewarm as always, but it almost burned him.  It must have been cold out there while he was running, and he hadn't really been dressed for the cold of late night/early morning January in New York.

Fifteen minutes later, the tepid water now freezing, he finally got out shivering.  Dried off and dressed, teeth chattering, and left the washroom.  Great.  Now everybody was up, every pair of female eyes gazing at him in concern as he came out of the washroom.  Except Tania, who was screaming with frustration because Lisa was trying to get her to go to sleep and she didn't see why she should - after all, everybody else was up.  He approached his sister and held his arms out for Tania.  "I'll take her into the bedroom," she launched herself at him and he winced as her weight pulled on the cuts on his arms.

"Rey, let me-" his sister started.

"She needs to go to sleep," he turned his back on her, on all of his family staring at him like he was made of glass.  That look was really getting old.  He went into the girls' bedroom and turned out the light, swaying Tania back and forth, humming a tune to her softly.  Slowly, slowly, both he and Tania were getting tired.  His daughter's body was relaxing, her head snuggling into his shoulder, slowly getting heavier and comforting him as he comforted her.

Finally she was asleep.  He lay her down in her little bed.  Stood up, sighed.  He stepped out of the girls' bedroom, down the little hallway, to the edge of the living room.  All those eyes staring at him.  Damn it.

"OK, she's asleep.  You girls can go back to sleep too," he said shortly, turning to go back to his own room.  "Deborah, do you want me to put you to bed?" he tossed over his shoulder, pausing at the doorway.

"No-"

"Daddy-" he went into his room, closing the door.

"Rey, please," his sister opened the door, poking her head in, "don't run away from us."

He got into bed, irritated at her.  "Lisa, I'm tired, OK?  I need to sleep."

"Well we're all up now thanks to you-" her voice was full of sisterly annoyance.  She never let him get away with anything.

"Good for you, maybe you can all play cards or something." He turned over, his back to the door.

A few minutes later, Lisa brought Deborah into the bedroom.

"Rey, please, talk to me," she said softly when she was in bed next to him.

"Deborah, please, let me sleep," he said tiredly.

"Did you have a nightmare?"

"I do not want to talk about this."

She sighed, that special frustrated sigh that he was so familiar with, and he willed himself back to sleep.

===

Monday, January 5
3:15pm

"Rey?" his sister said as he entered the house the next day after a short excursion out for grocery shopping.  "Jamie Ross just called - she wants you to call her back."

Rey sighed.  He knew what Jamie wanted to talk to him about, and he had no intention of returning her call.  He put the groceries away, noting that his arms didn't hurt so much any more.  He was slowly starting to heal.  Physically at least.

Jamie and Jack McCoy had come to see him the day after he'd come home, when he was in bed with a raging infection from the long gash on his forearm.  Who knew what bug from the prison had gotten in there, but he was feeling unwell and feverish, and still in pain from his various cuts and bruises.  After a brief greeting, Jamie had come straight to the point.

"Rey, I think you should press charges."

"What?" he'd been so puzzled by her suggestion that he hadn't even registered any kind of emotional reaction.

"A crime was committed against you - several, as a matter of fact - and you need to address it.  Jack isn't too sure yet whether there'll be enough evidence for a winnable criminal case, but I'm sure there's enough for a civil suit.  In any case, the first thing you need to do is make a statement and document your injuries."

He'd blinked at her, slowly processing her words.  "Document - as in, legally?"

"My firm has a forensic photographer on staff, we-"

"Are you outta your mind?" he'd finally felt something.  Anger and disbelief.  Jamie had traded a glance with Jack, as though they had expected this.  "No way," he'd told them firmly.

"Rey, you don't have to decide anything yet, but if you do decide to press charges later, you need to do this now."

"No."

"You know it's the right thing to do," Jack had said.  "It's a matter of basic justice."

Justice.  Sure.  "What, what's he going to get on top of what he's already got?  He's in for life.  I should know, I helped put him there."

"It's not just him-"

"Well I don't know the other men who - and there's no way to find out."

"Your cellmate would know."

"Harris would never testify.  He'd be slitting his own throat."

"Some guards might know."

"They won't testify either."

"It's not just against Gonzalez and the men with him," Jamie told him.  "The Warden, the head guard - they were supposed to protect you, and they didn't."

"No."

"At least go to a doctor."

"There's no reason to.  I got antibiotics for the infection, I don't need to go to a doctor."  Jamie had looked at him impatiently and he'd snapped, "Besides, I don't have any health insurance right now, OK?  Confessing to murder got me fired from the NYPD."

"My firm will pay any medical costs.  We can have our doctor and psychiatrist examine-"

"What is this, blackmail?  I can get medical care paid for as long as I agree to let my medical record be used in a court case?  Forget it."

"No strings attached."

"More charity then.  No thanks.  I'm fine."

"Rey-"

"Get out, OK?  I'm tired," he said, too sick and upset to bother with courtesy.

"We can talk about this later after you've had some rest, but you have to do it soon, before your injuries are healed."

Damn it.  All he wanted to do was sleep, he did not want to argue with a couple of lawyers through pain and a raging infection.  He blew out his breath.  "If I agree to the pictures, will you leave me alone?"

"You should make a statement too while the information is fresh in your mind-"

It's not gonna fade away, he thought but didn't say.  "There's no way in hell I'm gonna do that.  Pictures or nothing."  Jack and Jamie had glanced at each other and agreed.

So he'd let the photographer take close-ups of the cuts without the bandages, the bruises and scrapes from where he'd been thrown down to the ground and grabbed, not letting himself think about it, looking away from the camera, not wanting it to record the feeling of violation in his eyes.  Glad that at least the man had a matter-of-fact manner, calmly moving around and focussing on the long cut, on his scraped elbows and hands, not affecting the 'soothing voice' patter that many other forensic photographers used, although he'd balked when the photographer wanted to take pictures of his wrists.

"No," he'd told Jamie, who had accompanied the photographer.  "That doesn't have anything to do with him.  I did that to myself."

"Yes, but the trial won't - wouldn't just be about what he did," Jamie had pointed out.  "It would also be about the effects on you.  Your suicide attempt-"

"It wasn't a suicide attempt."

"The fact that you cut yourself to get away from him is pretty important."

"I wouldn't want it brought up."

"Rey - it's like everything else.  Leave the possibility open in case you change your mind later."

He'd taken the path of least resistance and given in, telling himself it didn't matter since he wasn't going to press charges anyway.

So now Jamie was calling him.  He had to hand it to her, she'd held off longer than he thought she would.  Well, too bad.  He still wasn't going to call her back.  She'd agreed to leave him alone if he got the pictures taken and he'd held up his part of the bargain.  The hell with Jamie and Jack if they thought he was gonna do any more than that.  He knew he should be grateful to them because without their help, he would still be in prison, but being grateful did not mean going along with whatever they wanted.  Especially if what they wanted was for him to dwell on those six days in Sing Sing.

===

Tuesday, January 6
10:01pm

"You know I volunteered at a rape crisis centre," Deborah said the next night after he'd put the girls to bed.

"Good for you," he started to read through some kid's essay on Miranda rights.  'You have the right to remain silent and refuse to answer questions. Do you understand?' This is a direct declaration of the First Amendment.  No, that's the Fifth Amendment, idiot, he thought, and scratched a correction onto the kid's paper.

"You need to talk to somebody."

"Well it's not gonna be you.  Besides, I wasn't raped.  Nothing happened.  I'm fine." 'Anything you do say may be used against you in a court of law. Do you understand?' This is a correlation to the Fourth Amendment- What?  He re-read the sentence.  That didn't make much sense.  The Fourth Amendment is Unreasonable Search and Seizure, nothing to do with using a suspect's statements against him.  Besides, 'correlation'?  He wrote look up 'correlation' on the paper, scratched out the Fourth Amendment.

"Lie to yourself all you want.  Don't lie to me."

"What are you talking about?"

"Rey.  Put that down."

"Deborah.  Let me be," he continued to read, then spared her a quick glance.  "This is due tomorrow.  I have to have seventeen more papers marked by tomorrow so I can drop them off at the prof's house before work.  It's ten o'clock.  It's gonna take me at least two more hours.  I don't have time for this."

"You've been home now for almost a week and you never have time to talk.  Please, Rey, you need to deal with what happened."

"I spent nine days in detention, I got some cuts and bruises and some stitches."  He corrected a typo in the kid's essay.  "What's to talk about?"

"Rey, please don't shut me out."

"There's nothing to shut you out of."

"You weren't raped but you were sexually assaulted, you were badly hurt, and you were driven to slit your own wrists to escape that man.  You can't have walked away from all of that completely unaffected."

"I'm fine."

"Then why do you keep waking up at night?  Why haven't you touched me since you came home?"

"Why, you want me to?" he kept his eyes on the essay. 'You have the right to consult an attorney before speaking to the police and to have an attorney present during questioning now or in the future. Do you understand?' This is symbolic of the Sixth Amendment.  Finally got the amendment right, but 'symbolic'?  What was this kid on when she wrote this?

"Yes, I do.  I got used to sleeping with you and being touched again.  And I'd like that back."

"I'm busy, OK?  And the cuts still hurt.  You wanna just get used to the way things were before, until I don't have to worry that I'll pull a stitch and bleed all over the bed again?" he continued to mark.  "And this is a bit of a switch, you wanting me to touch you," he muttered.

"It's a bit of a switch for me too, being the one who's constantly being rejected," she said evenly.  He looked up, startled.  "Now I know how you felt."

"I'm not rejecting you."  He frowned at her.  "Deborah, I'm not rejecting you.  I just want my own space for a bit."

"Rey, you're - you're pulling away from me.  Don't," she looked so sad.  Damn it.  He hated that look on her face.  He put his hand on hers, trying to reassure her.

"I'm not trying to.  I just need space. I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna be able to talk to you about what happened, or about the nightmares or anything.  You don't need to know about it."

===

Wednesday, January 7
7:34pm

"So... you're looking better," Lennie said the next evening as they finished cleaning up the kitchen.  Lennie had come by for dinner, a relatively pleasant meal.  Things were getting back to normal.  Lisa was still staying with them, which Rey gathered was causing problems at home, from what he'd overheard of a call between his sister and her husband.  However, when he suggested that he was fine and she should go home, she'd brusquely told him to mind his own business.

"Yeah, the infection's almost gone.  Still itches a bit, but that's clearing up."

"Clear up a lot faster if you didn't scratch the cuts," Serena put in caustically, putting away dishes.  Rey nodded impatiently.  He was trying, but he wasn't always aware he was doing it.  And they itched like hell.

"Lisa says you're going back to work?"

"Yeah.  My boss came over a couple days ago.  Said he got me reinstated.  Said I should probably take some time off, but... well, we can't afford that.  So I'm going back Monday."

Lennie nodded, privately thinking that Rey really should take more time off, whether he could afford it or not.  Then again, sometimes going back to work could be therapeutic, a way to get things back to a regular routine.

Besides, from what he'd seen of Rey's interactions with his family over dinner, maybe getting away from them might be a good idea.  Rey had bitten his tongue more than once to keep from snapping at his family as they fussed over him, insisting that he eat more, not letting him clear the table... he looked like he'd had just about enough of their tender loving care.  After dinner, he'd taken Deborah to her room to rest and sent Lisa off to go get some milk, although as far as Lennie could tell, it was an excuse to get her out of the house and off his back for a little while.  Lennie was pretty sure she'd seen through Rey's request, but left anyway.

Serena turned to put something away, then her eyes widened and she swore.  Rey turned to reprimand her, then saw what she was staring at and forgot all about her poor language.

"Tania! Put that down!!  Deja eso!!" he shouted, and rushed to the little girl's side.  He snatched a bottle from her hand and looked into the washroom.  The entire contents of the cabinet under the bathroom sink were strewn across the bathroom floor.  Dozens of pill bottles, sanitary supplies, toilet paper, shaving razors, the contents of a small box of condoms, syringes and liquid medication, in a huge mess.

"Quien dejo esta puerta abierta?!" he demanded furiously.  The three older girls, who had come running to the washroom too, glanced at each other.  "Who did it?!  Come on!!"

"Creo que fui yo..." Isabel said reluctantly.  Rey signalled to Olivia to take Tania, grasped Isabel's wrist, unceremoniously hauled her into the girls' bedroom and slammed the door.  From behind the door they could hear him giving Isabel hell for a few minutes, and Isabel answering meekly.  Finally he came out of the bedroom, slamming the door again and leaving Isabel inside.  He came back to the washroom, still steamed.

"Rey... she just left a cabinet door open..." ventured Lennie.  Serena and Olivia shook their heads at him vehemently.

"That's a medicine cabinet, Uncle Lennie," said Serena.  "It's real important to keep it locked so Tania don't get in."

"Yeah, you think Jack would defend me again if another family member died taking MS drugs?" Rey shot at him.  "Isabel knows how important it is to not leave that open," he said angrily.  Lennie could tell that most of the anger was coming from fear for Tania's safety.

"OK.  Let's see the damage.  Crap," he said, kneeling down on the washroom floor and looking at the mess of bottles strewn around him.  They all searched and found no missing bottle caps, no open bottles.

"Well, thank god for that," said Olivia.  She knelt down beside him and started to pick up bottles, then picked up the condoms and put them back into their box, her face carefully expressionless.

Rey spared her a brief glance and said, "Olivia, let me do this, OK?  You watch Tania."

"I've got her, Dad," Serena said from the door, glancing at the living room where Tania had found a plastic hammer and was hammering away at the furniture.  Olivia went to put the condoms back in the medicine cabinet.  Rey took them from her and tossed them in the trash along with the toilet paper Tania had unravelled.

"Don't you and Mom need them, Daddy?" Serena asked.

"No," Rey said shortly.

"But I thought-"

"Don't think, please."

"Dad, we can't handle another little sister," Serena said seriously.  He smiled slightly, concentrating on the mess on the floor.

"You aren't getting any more, don't worry."

"How can you be sure?" Olivia shook her head at Serena, warning her to back off.

"Believe me, I'm sure."

"Dad..."

"Look, I'm sure, OK?  Even if - I can't have any more kids."  He grimaced impatiently at Serena's dubious expression.  "I had an operation.  We're not having any more kids.  Don't worry about it."

"You mean a vasectomy?" Serena asked.

Lennie's eyebrows went up and he realized that he felt somewhat shocked at Serena's advanced knowledge for her age.  Kids these days.  "I think I was about forty before I knew what a vasectomy was," he commented.

"Was that around when they were invented?" Rey asked innocently.

"And the Church says that's OK?" Serena asked.

"No, definitely not."

"You went against the Church?!"

"Yes," he said shortly, stacking the toilet paper back under the cabinet while Olivia gathered up the sanitary supplies.

"How come?"

"Because the Church doesn't approve but the Church wasn't gonna take care of you kids.  We already had four of you, and your mom was sick, and... we just couldn't take the chance that we'd have another child."

"What did Father Morelli say?"

"He was pretty mad."

"Did he absolve you?"

"Not for a long time.  It's a pretty big no-no."

"Why?  What's the big deal?  You're just saying you don't want more kids, it's not like you're killing anybody," said Serena dismissively.

"To the Church, it is like killing something," Rey sat back and stopped tidying for a moment, trying to explain.  "It's... according to the Church, the ability to have kids is a gift that God gives us.  And when you're married, making love is supposed to be something you do because you love each other and because you're willing to accept the gift of children if He chooses to bless you with them.  When you use artificial contraceptives or have an operation... it's like you're rejecting a gift from God.  It's like you're killing the fertility that God gave you."

Serena thought for a moment.  "Whatever.  I still think you were right to do it."

"Well, there you go," he said, tidying some more.

"Do you?"

He shrugged.  "I'm not sure.  I don't regret it, but... I don't know if it was the right thing to do."

"So why did you have condoms if you didn't need them, then?"

Rey sighed wearily.  "Serena..." Olivia said, annoyed.

"What?  I'm just asking a question."

"Condoms aren't just for preventing babies, they're also for protecting you against diseases.  Especially if you're with somebody you don't know very well," Rey informed her evenly.  Serena suddenly got it and looked down, embarrassed.

"Oh."

"Yeah.  Oh," Rey echoed.  "Is it possible for us to move away from this conversation now?  Or is there any more really personal stuff you'd like aired out?"  Serena shook her head quickly.  "Thank you," he said, a little sarcastically.

"Dad, how come you went against the Church?"

"Oh for God's sake."

"You never go against what the Church says."

"That's not true," he said, starting to sort pill bottles.  He and Olivia seemed to be classifying them, putting them in small groups as they worked.

"Well, you do, but you think it's wrong when you do it," Serena corrected herself.

"Not always, sweetheart.  There's a few times where I haven't done what the Church says and I didn't think I was wrong, either."

"Like what?"

He thought for a minute.  "Like perjury.  That was definitely against the Church's teachings."

"You think you were right to do it?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah I do.  Maybe not right, but definitely justified."

"You thought it was OK?"

"Not OK, just... I don't know what I could have done differently."

"Even after everything that happened to you?"

"Especially after what happened to me," he said vehemently.

"How come?  You were hurt really badly," Serena said softly.

"Better me than you.  Better me than any of you.  I'll heal," he dismissed her concern.

"What did Father Morelli say?" she asked curiously.

"About what?"

"About you committing perjury.  Did he absolve you?"

"Yeah.  He understood that it was the least wrong thing I could have done."

"What's this one?" Olivia asked, holding out a bottle.  Rey looked at it and winced inwardly.

"It's a pill bottle," he told her facetiously.

"I know that, but it's for you."

"Yeah."

"What's it for, Daddy?"

He briefly considered lying.  It could be an antibiotic.  Or sleeping medication, or anything.  But lying wasn't healthy, Olivia was thirteen and plenty bright enough to look it up, and she probably would.  "It's an anti-depressant," he said quietly, took the bottle from her and put it in the medicine cabinet.  Lennie winced inwardly too.  He knew Rey hated the fact that he took anti-depressants, and it couldn't be easy admitting it to his daughters.

"You take anti-depressants, Daddy?"

"Yeah."

"Since when?"

"Since right after I was arrested."

"How come?"

"Because I was depressed, Olivia.  Why do you think people take anti-depressants?" that came out a little more sharply than he'd meant it to.

"You mean you were sad?" Serena asked.

"Something like that."

"And you had to take medicine to not be sad any more?"

"Pretty much."

"I get sad too, I don't take medicine for it."  Lennie smiled slightly at Serena's oversimplification.

"Sweetie, depression isn't just being sad," Rey tried to explain.  "That's part of it, but... it's like being really, really sad all the time and you can't shake it.  And tired, and hopeless.  It makes you not able to function very well."

"It's a chemical imbalance," Lennie put in.  "When you take medicine, it helps fix the imbalance.  Makes it so you can have other feelings again."

"Is it like a disease?"  Serena asked.

"Yeah.  It's a mental illness," Rey said.

"You have a mental illness?" Olivia said, her voice a little incredulous.  Rey winced inwardly again.

"Yeah, I do," he replied, keeping his voice matter-of-fact.  "Not bad enough to need to be in a hospital, but bad enough that I need medication." Olivia looked at him, dark eyes serious.

"How come you were depressed?"

"Oh, I dunno," he shrugged.  "Just life, I guess. Everything was just really tough - I was taking care of all of you by myself, and your mom and I weren't getting along, and we didn't have any money, and I wasn't doing so good at work... and I was disappointed in myself over a lot of stuff.  It was just kinda too much."

"Was I part of that?"  Serena asked.  He thought for a moment.  It was so difficult to balance honesty with kindness in this family.

"Serena... you're just a kid.  What you were doing was stuff any kid might do in your situation.  Mostly what bothered me was that I wasn't handling it very well."

"So what's different now?"

He shrugged.  "The anti-depressants help a lot.  And we've got lots of help now.  And you and me are getting along a lot better, and your mom and me are OK."

"It helps that I'm not on your case so much?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

"Yeah, of course it does.  Why's that surprise you?"

"I dunno, I guess I thought... I thought you didn't like me very much.  I didn't think it mattered if I liked you or not."

He frowned at her, confused.  "Are you serious?"

"Yeah..."

"Serena..." he shook his head.  "You're my daughter.  How could you think it didn't matter what you thought of me?"  She shrugged.  "It does.  It matters a heck of a lot."

"I'm really trying not to get on your case, you know."

"I know, I can tell," he smiled at her.

"Is that how come you cried the night you came home?  Cause you were depressed?" Olivia asked.

Rey winced again.  He really really really didn't want to talk about that with anybody, let alone his daughters.  "Um... no, I don't - I don't know, maybe.  I was just upset.  Prison wasn't a very nice place to be."

"But you were out."

He sighed.  "Yeah, I know.  It didn't feel like I was out though.  And I wasn't very happy 'cause I got upset when Jack grabbed my shoulder."

"Why'd you get upset?"

No, he really couldn't go into this with them.  "Sweetie... um... it's a little hard to explain that.  It was just... I spent a lot of my time trying to avoid the guy who cut my arm.  Um, and when Jack grabbed my shoulder for a minute there I thought he was that other guy.  And you know what?  I'm ending this topic right here.  Sorry.  We're gonna have to talk about something else."

They were quiet for a moment, as he and Olivia kept working at sorting out the medication.  Lennie reflected that he had no idea there was so much medication in a house with two invalids, and he didn't know how Rey kept it all straight.  He supposed it paid to be uptight about organization.  When they used to work together, Rey's desk had always been rather freakishly neat.

"What about sex before marriage?" Serena asked.

"What is it with you and sex questions?" Rey asked her impatiently.  "What about sex before marriage?"

"Well, you said you don't always agree with the Church.  Do you agree with the Church that you shouldn't have sex before marriage?"

"Yeah, mostly."

"Did you?"

"Have sex before marriage?" she nodded.  "Uh, yeah."

"You weren't a virgin when you got married?

"No," he chuckled, "I was twenty-four, I wasn't a virgin."

"Was Mommy?'

"You'd have to ask her."

"How old were you when you stopped being a virgin?"

"Serena, that's way too personal."

"Well, how old would we have to be before you thought it was OK?"

"I have no idea.  You're nowhere close to that age, though."

"I know that," she said, a little indignantly.  "Do you expect us to wait till we're married?"

Rey thought for a moment.  "I'd like you to, but no, I guess I don't expect you to.  I do expect you to behave yourselves, though."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I expect you to... I don't know, not sleep around.  If you're gonna sleep with somebody and you're not married to them, it should be somebody you love.  I know, I know," he put up a hand wearily, anticipating Serena's next comment, "I expect you to do as I say, not as I do.  What was it you said once, Lennie?  I'd rather be a terrible warning or something..."

"'I'd rather be a terrible warning to my children than a good example'," Lennie supplied.

"Yeah, I wouldn't have minded being a good example, but hey, take what you can get, right?" Rey smiled bitterly.  Olivia gazed at him thoughtfully, head cocked to the side.

"Why shouldn't we do what you did?" Serena asked.

"Are you kidding?" he asked her skeptically, but she seemed serious.  He cleared his throat.  "One night stands?" she nodded.  He frowned, trying to find the words.  "I just wouldn't recommend the lifestyle, Serena.  It's... it's like a junk-food sex life.  It's like living on chips and coke and chocolate.  May seem good at the time, but it's no good for you in the long run," he trailed off uncomfortably, and went back to sorting pills.

"And it's dangerous," Lennie added.  "There's a lotta sickos out there.  You could get hurt."

Serena shrugged, looking back at Rey.  "You coulda got hurt too.  You still did it."  Rey sighed and rubbed his forehead, trading glances with Lennie.  How to explain one-night stands to an eleven-year old.  Not something they teach in parenting school.

"It's just... making love is supposed to be something two people do together when they love each other.  It's supposed to be sacred.  Not something you do with any stranger just for kicks."

"Then how come you did?"

"Oh, we are not going there.  Not in this lifetime," he said definitively.  He paused in his sorting of the medications on the floor.  "You know, when I was a kid the thought of my parents having sex at all grossed me out.  I definitely didn't want to talk to them about it," he commented.

"I'm not you.  I wanna know how come you hurt Mom and us by going out and sleeping around.  And you said I could talk about this when I wasn't gonna upset anybody else.  Olivia doesn't look upset, Uncle Lennie doesn't look upset."

"I guess uncomfortable doesn't count?" Lennie asked, and Olivia nodded, silently agreeing with him.

"Don't forget wanting to embarrass me too, I'm sure that's gotta be part of it," Rey said, irritated.

"Is it working?"

"Hell, yes," he muttered.

"Good," she said, jaw jutting out.  "You said you deserved it.  You said I could."

"Serena, you think maybe you could ease up on me a bit until I'm not feeling so upset about just having got outta prison?" he snapped, exasperated.  "Or is that too much to ask?  Can you gimme a few days off?"  Serena took in his expression, angry and annoyed, and to Lennie's surprise, looked contrite.

"OK," she said quietly.  "I'm sorry."

As he and Olivia finished putting the pills in order, Rey paused and regarded Serena pensively for a moment.  "Actually... that's OK.  Don't go back to needling me, but... it's nice to see somebody here acting normal around me," he gave her a small smile.

Monday January 19
11:12am

"...how I spent my Christmas vacation, by Rey Curtis, NYPD.  I can't believe Bensen let him back."

Rey closed his eyes and took a deep breath before switching over the paper in the photocopier.  He'd been back at work for a week now, and this was the third time he'd overheard Vandine bring him up as a topic of conversation.  Asshole.  He seemed to be at the water cooler right outside the photocopy room again - guy spent more time there than at his desk.  And it sounded like there were quite a few people there with him.  Great.

"He was cleared," he heard another colleague protest.

"Hey, he confessed.  My buddy at the 2-7 told me.  He confessed.  What the hell's he doing still allowed to carry a badge?"

"Bensen knows what he's doing."

"Yeah, right, Bensen just feels sorry for him cause his wife's sick, oh, poor Curtis, let's all cover for him-"

"Vandine..."

"Naw, come on, man, he's right.  Guy needs to get his act together."

"He was doing a lot better before the trial-"

"Right.  Except now he'll probably have a hell of an excuse, Oh, I was in prison, some nasty convict made me his sweetheart, oh I can't finish this budget form-"

"Hey, you don't know what happened in prison.  He was only in a few days."

"We know he got roughed up.  Don't you wanna know how bad?"

"No, I don't."

"Aw, come on, he did hard time, our man Curtis.  Don't you wonder just how hard?"

"Don't be a pig, Vandine," one of his coworkers said amid a few embarrassed titters from the others.

"Come on, don't you wanna know-"

Rey's patience snapped.  He left the photocopier running and left the photocopy room, turning the corner to the water cooler.

"Hey.  Vandine.  You got something to say to me?"  He registered startled, guilty looks on the faces of his other colleagues, and Vandine's face flushing darkly.

"No-"

"No, you look like you have something to say.  A lot to say, actually.  You wanna ask me some questions?"  Vandine looked pissed off now.  He should be - pissed at himself for not at least making sure the object of his gossip wasn't right around the corner.  "Go ahead.  You know you want to.  You been saying all this shit at the water cooler, why don't you say it to my face."

"Curtis..."

"I know, you wanna ask hey, did some big tough con have me grabbing my ankles?  That's what you wanna ask?  Did I make some special friends?"  Vandine opened his mouth to speak, then closed it, at least having the grace to look embarrassed.  Rey felt his own anger growing, not abating.

"Oh - here's another one.  Did I get up close and personal with the criminal element in Sing Sing?  Did I get to be some lifer's bitch?  Did I discover my feminine side?"

"Come on, Curtis-"

Suddenly the situation became very tense as Rey slammed Vandine against the wall and held him in a chokehold.

"OK, here's my fucking feminine side," he said, his voice softly menacing, and slammed Vandine's head against the wall again.  "Come on, you had lotsa questions.  Where are they now?"

"Come on, man, take a fucking pill-" Vandine wheezed, face turning purple.

"Take a fucking pill?" Rey slammed him against the wall again and Vandine brought his hands up to get Rey's hands off his collar.  Another officer, Brackin, grabbed Rey's shoulder and tried to pull him off of Vandine.

"Curtis, come on, he's just being an asshole, don't-" Brackin found himself holding his jaw as Rey viciously elbowed him off, then punched him.  Then three other officers were pulling Rey off and holding him securely, and Lt. Bensen was there.

Hands all over him holding him fast couldn't get away-

"DON'T!!" he heard the panic in his voice and forced himself to get a grip.  "Let go of me!  Let.  Go."  He took a deep breath and made himself as still as possible, knowing that if he struggled he'd probably just end up in a holding cell.  Incarcerated, again.  "I, I won't hit him again, just, just... let go."

Lt. Bensen took in Rey's tightly controlled expression and the extreme tension in his voice and body, and quickly signalled to the other three to let go.  Rey pulled away from them and backed away slowly, trying to control his shaking and shallow breathing.

"OK, OK, Curtis, Vandine, Brackin, into my office, the rest of you, back to your desks.  Now!"

"What the hell happened?" Bensen demanded as he closed his office door.

"Vandine was shooting off at the mouth-" Brackin began, rubbing his jaw.

"Hey, I was just talking-" Vandine looked at Rey, pale, eyes on the floor, arms crossed tightly, and stopped, biting his lip.  "I was shooting off at the mouth, sir.  I'm sorry, I was outta line," he said quietly.

"Curtis?  Anything to say for yourself?" Bensen asked.

Rey shook his head silently.  What was there to say?  He'd attacked two of his coworkers.  Provocation didn't matter.  With five people dependent on his income and him on probation at work, he couldn't afford to indulge his stupid temper.

"Anybody throw a punch other than Curtis?"  They all shook their heads.

"Fine.  Curtis, you're suspended without pay immediately.  You two go back to your desks."

"Lieutenant-" Vandine began.

"Get out of here."  They started to file out.  "Curtis, you stay behind."

"What did he say?' Bensen asked once the other two had left.  Rey shook his head again.  Bensen sighed.  "You know you're on probation.  You've been showing up for work, handing everything in on time, you've been doing so damn well and now this."

"I'm sorry sir."

Bensen ran his hand through his hair.  "Look.  We all know you're under a lot of pressure, but I can't keep covering for you.  You shouldn't have come back so soon after getting out.  So take two weeks, starting immediately.  One week's suspension, one week personal leave."

"Sir... I can't afford that," Rey forced himself to say.

"You'll have to find some way to afford it, then.  I'll try to help out, maybe we can get the paperwork for your pay through or something, but you are not coming back for two weeks.  Is that clear?"

"Yes sir."  He left the office quietly, made himself walk back to his desk across the roomful of curious eyes, gathered his things, and left.

Bensen watched him go and blew his breath out in frustration.  God damn it.  Trouble seemed to follow Curtis like he was a walking curse.  Vandine was an idiot, and Bensen had no doubt that whatever Vandine had said had been provocation enough to warrant whatever Curtis did, but this was a precinct and he couldn't allow the people under his command to physically assault each other without consequences.  No matter how far they were provoked, no matter what personal issues they might be dealing with.

There was one thing he could do, though.  He could at least try to use his influence to try to make those personal issues easier to deal with.  He went back to his desk and pulled out his departmental phone book to contact the PBA.

===

"How come you're home?" Rey looked up as he started up the steps to his apartment building.  Lisa was coming down the steps, looking harried.

He shook his head, still no idea what to say even though he'd been trying to figure out how he was gonna explain this to his family the whole way home.  "Where are you going?"

Lisa blew out her breath in impatience.  "Serena - the school just called, she's been suspended again."

Rey stared at his sister for a moment, then found himself laughing in disbelief.  Oh, this was perfect.  "No kidding.  What for?"

"She got in a fight," Lisa said, peering at him in puzzled consternation.

He rubbed his forehead, willing away the beginning of a massive headache.  Like father, like daughter.  Jesus.  "OK.  OK, don't worry about it, I'll go get her."

"Rey?  Are you OK?"

"Yeah, yeah."

===

"I'm sorry Daddy," Serena said meekly after he had finished talking with the principal.  It seemed some kid had made derogatory remarks about Serena's 'retard' kid sister, and Serena had dealt with it by using him as a punching bag.  A week's suspension.  Like father like daughter indeed.

"OK.  Let's go home," he told her tiredly, and they left the school in silence.

Later, on the subway, she tentatively spoke up.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah."

"How come you're not yelling at me?"

He chewed on his lip and stared out the window, wondering as he often had in the last few years how things had come to be so different from what they had once been.  How he now found himself on the subway, taking his daughter home after her fourth suspension from school, not even able to be angry with her since he was under suspension himself.  How did that happen?  He used to be really good at his job.  His biggest worry at work was that he'd miss some clue and a felon would get away.  His biggest worry about his daughters was that they might not like school or date the wrong boys when they got older.  How did they get from there to here?

"Daddy?"  Serena cut into his brooding.  He sighed and levelled with her.

"Honestly, I can't.  I'm not that big a hypocrite."

"What?"

"I just got suspended too, sweetie," he said, his voice quiet, still looking out the window.

"What?!" her eyes widened in disbelief.

"I hit two of my coworkers.  So we're gonna spend the week together."

"Daddy."

"Yeah.  Hey, you wanna maybe take an anger management course together or something?" he joked weakly.  She giggled.  He smiled at her wryly.  "Nice father-daughter bonding experience, yeah?"

"How come you hit them?"  He looked away.

"Doesn't matter.  Man, this is gonna be tough to explain to your Mom."

"She's probably gonna yell a lot."

"You wanna do paper, scissors, rock to see who goes first?"  Serena giggled again.

"You go first.  Then she won't be so mad at me even though it's my fourth time."  He nodded and she put her arms around him, snuggling close.  He rested his chin on top of her head and they rode the rest of the way home in companionable silence.

===

Tuesday January 20
5:58pm

"I heard what happened," Lennie said the next day as he came into the laundry room in the basement of Rey's building.

"Yeah," Rey said heavily.  Lennie must have gone to the apartment first and found out from Lisa or Deborah.  Unless one of them had called him to let him know.  He wouldn't put it past his sister, since his life had become an open book with Lennie as far as she was concerned.

"How long are you suspended?"

"Two weeks.  Well, one week, plus one week enforced 'personal time'."  He started another load of darks.  "And you know what?  Bensen called this morning.  He'll only let me go back to work if I agree to go see a shrink."

"That's probably not a bad idea."

Rey blew out his breath bitterly.  "No, it's not a bad idea.  He worked it out with the PBA so my 'issues' with my coworkers could be called 'work-related stress'.  That way the department pays.  Ten sessions."  Yet another thing he was being forced to do for his own good.  Lennie gazed at him, reading the seething resentment in his body language.

"Rey.  You - you've been through a lot-"

"No.  Don't, OK?  Just don't even start."

"What?"

"Don't try to make this OK.  I lost my temper and I should have known better.  I'm suspended, just like my eleven-year old daughter, for not playing nice with the other kids.  You - you can't put a positive spin on this."

"I'm sorry."

"And he's still letting me back.  I'm on probation, and he's bent over backwards to let me back.  I don't even know why.  He coulda fired me.  He had every right."

Lennie thought for a moment.  "Remember Mickey Scott's execution?"  Rey glanced at him impatiently.  "Sorry, dumb question.  But... I fell off the wagon and you and Van Buren gave me another chance.  You didn't have to."

"That's different.  For one thing I'd messed up just as bad as you that day so I was feeling sympathetic.  And for another... Lennie," he looked away, putting in a load of whites, "You weren't a screw-up any more.  You'd been OK for almost four years.  You could show that you deserved another chance."  He swallowed.  "I can't."

"You were doing good before this.  Before the trial, you'd pulled up, you-"

"I was showing up for work and handing things in on time.  The bare minimum," he interrupted bitterly.  "I'm sorry.  It's just... I wish..." he took a deep breath, "I wish so much that I could do well, not just be barely adequate."  Lennie winced at the longing in his voice.  He remembered that feeling very well from his first days struggling to get his career back on track after being a drunk for so many years.

"You know, I know everything happens for a reason.  And I know I was too arrogant before and, and I needed to be taken down a notch.  But I feel like telling whoever's in charge enough already, you know?  You made your point.  Don't belabour it."  Lennie smiled slightly in sympathy.  Yeah.  Whatever arrogance had been there before, it was long gone.

"And it's like I can't even hang on to anything good either.  Like - like when I first went in, there was an inmate there who'd been a cop before too.  And I found out he'd done a lotta coke inside.  And I told myself I had no right to judge, but I still thought, hey, at least I never did anything harder than pot - I mean, it's still illegal, it's still wrong, but at least it's not as bad as coke."  He sighed.

"So there I am, one of the only things I've still got going for me is I haven't done hard drugs, and then a few days later I'm in the infirmary and on that last day I woulda taken anything.  Coke, heroin, PCP, crack, whatever.  If anybody had offered me anything at all and told me it would kill the pain, I woulda taken it, no question."  He bit his lip.  "And now this.  As bad as things got before at work, at least I hadn't been fired or suspended.  I was on probation, but at least - well, so much for that.  God damn suspended.  And next time, I'm out.  And there's gonna be a next time.  I know there is.  I can't - I'm no better than Serena when it comes to just walking away when some asshole starts talking trash."

"What did he say?"

Rey didn't answer for a moment.  "What do you think, Lennie?  'He did hard time, our man Curtis.  Don't you wanna know how hard?'  Among other things."  He swallowed and looked away.  "I wonder why it is that when it happens to a woman, it's a crime, but when it happens to a man, it's a joke," he said softly.

"It is a crime.  It's not a joke."

"Bullshit," he met Lennie's eyes again, his expression bitter.  "You've joked about it, so have I, so has every cop.  'You better talk right now or you'll be grabbing your ankles for some tough guy in Attica'.  'Keep it up, pal, and you're gonna be all you can be for your new friends in Sing Sing.'  Not so damn funny now."

Lennie sighed.  He'd really thought things would be OK once Rey got home.  He'd thought getting him out of prison was the hard part, but it looked like that had been only the beginning.  He just hoped Rey was wrong when he said there was going to be a next time.  Rey couldn't afford a next time.

===

Author's Note: Translations for the linguistically obsessed:

"Tania! Put that down!!  Deja eso!!"
Leave that!!

"Quien dejo esta puerta abierta?!" he demanded furiously.
Who left this door open?

"Creo que fui yo..." Isabel said reluctantly.
I think it was me...