LORD of the Spoofs
2
A Large Expensive Shindig
When Dildo Nobbins of Nob End announced he'd be celebrating his one-twelvety-eleventh birthday with a shindig of monster proportion, he wasn't fuckin' joking!
There was a great deal of excitement about it throughout Nibbleton. All who were invited were told there would be food enough to fill the stomachs of a thousand grown men-folk (should last about 5 minutes then with a hundred greedy Nibblets) So they only had 3 of their 4 breakfasts, 2 of their 6 brunches, 10 of their 15 dinners, and 22 of their 98 late-dinners/early-suppers. So there was loads of room left for the buffet.
---
Out in a field, a young Nibblet who was cousin-cum-nephew to Dildo Nobbins heard an approaching pony and trap.
He ran to a bend and saw a horse (what a great invention, he thought) turn into Nobbleton with a cart in tow. On it sat a Man-sized fellow with a pointy hat and wearing a colourful, vibrant and altogether camp cloak. It was an old man. Yet not a man.
It was the much-loved Dick-Weed smoking Man-Witch who was friend to Nibblets!
"It's great to see you again, Gangrene!" the young Nibblet called in greeting as he jumped up onto the high cart.
"And you, Fellatio my boy!" The old Man-Witch replied, "Oops, it seems my hand just accidentally brushed you in a rude place. Ooh, there it goes again. I really should learn how to stop myself."
"Yes, you should." Said young Fellatio Nobbins.
"They don't call me Gangrene the Gay for nothing you know." Gangrene responded, "How's Dildo?"
"Fantastic. Though; I'm finding if I use it too often it gets quite difficult to sit on anything stiffer than a pillow."
"I meant your uncle Dildo."
"Oh. He's been a little queer lately."
"Yes, I've noticed." Gangrene replied with a glint in his eye, "I hear he's having a shindig of monster proportion."
"That's right. I can't wait. Though I can't shake the feelin that somethin ain't right."
"Not to worry, my dear Fellatio. I've got something to bring a smile to the face of every Nibblet in The Slum. Even you."
"Dodgy illegal Fireworks!" cried Fellatio in excitement.
It was then that a group of young children ran out into the road behind his cart with shouts of "FIREWORKS!" "SHOW US!"
So Gangrene used a touch of magic to set off a small display of colourful rockets.
The children applauded and Gangrene rode away with Fellatio - both smiling happily.
But one of the rockets misfired, came around and speared a kid in the eye. The boy whimpered before his head went off like an exploding pumpkin.
---
Night fell and the party got under way.
Dildo welcomed every guest as they arrived.
"Fatty Binger!" he said as he shook a hand, looking at the fella's gut, "How many dinners did you eat already?"
"Only 15." He replied, "But I had 50 halfs of ale 'afore breakfast!"
Soon Dildo was telling the children one of his famous tall tales:
"Myself and 2 of the fattest Midgets you'll ever see were caught … by 3 dirty Trolls!"
The children gasped, "What did you do Mr Dildo, Sir?", "Yes, did you and the Midgets escape?"
"Well… not entirely." He answered, "I thought quickly, and told the Trolls that Midgets were considered to be the most potent aphrodisiac in all Muddled-earth. Well, knowing what a reputation Trolls have for their sex-drives, you can imagine how they took that."
"You got away?" they asked.
"Oh, yes." Dildo replied.
"And the Midgets?" asked a cute little girl.
"Eaten!" Dildo snapped.
The kiddies gasped again. One said; "I want to be just like Dildo when I get older and slightly bigger."
"Dear child, You'll never see as much pussy as me." He said.
There was a giganticus explosion and a massive firework dragon erupted from a nearby tent, came souring down the field and exploded - setting a tent and Diddly Arseburgler's Nibblet-hole on fire as it went.
All cheered but Diddly who wept like a girl.
Over the field, Gangrene the Gay caught the two firework culprits by the ears.
He looked down on them with displeasure, "Jolliadoc Randyfuck … and Penicillin Turd. I should have known."
As punishment, he had them give him a sponge bath and a full body massage. Make of that what you will.
"Speech, speech!" all cried out as Dildo Nobbins approached the podium.
"My dear Nobbinses and Bummers, and my dear Turds and Randyfucks, and Scrubs and Scruffs, and Mufflickers, and Cocksuckers, and Bingers, Potnoodles, Couchpotatoes, Marshmallows, and Proudtesticles."
"ProudNuts!" yelled an old Nibblet from the back of the burning tent to much laughter.
"Also my good Shagpile-Nobbinses that I welcome back to Nob End. Not to mention all you Dipsticks, Pimpdaddies, Shithouses, Beerguzzlers, Tracegibblets, Usedneedles, Fuckbuckets and Tightbritches."
Each name-call brought with it its own round of cheers and whoops.
"Well," Dildo went on, "I don't know half of you a third as much as three-quarters of you think I do, … and I've done three-eighths of the women here that a fifth of you have already slept with."
In response, a pair of Nibblet-sized knickers came hurling from his audience and landed square on his head.
Dildo lifted them off and gave them a sniff, "Miss Rosie Muffbasket, you haven't bathed today have you?"
She giggled.
Then the knickers were followed by a large pair of stained underpants.
Dildo removed them and groaned loudly, "Fatty Binger! That was uncalled for. I notice you're out of toilet paper again."
Then he finished simply with this; "Anyway. Thanks all for being here to celebrate my one hundred and twelvety-eleventh birthday but I'm off now. Toodle-pip."
With that he literally vanished.
Two seconds later he reappeared dressed like a Disco star. He did a quick number - which everyone strangely found to be the greatest thing they'd ever seen - then he vanished again.
The intention had been to stay vanished, but Dildo reappeared as he snook down from the podium.
Realising his cock-up, he cussed and fiddled with something in his pocket. Then he was gone.
For good.
---
Dildo crept back unseen to Nob End as all the crowds of Nibblets chanted in amazement for an encore.
He was gathering his luggage when Gangrene appeared behind him.
"What the hell was that?" he asked.
"Oh… just my own touch of magic." Dildo replied, tossing his ring, "My ring. Isn't it cool?"
"I think, perhaps, the Ring should be left with Fellatio." Gangrene advised.
"Then you know I mean to leave tonight?"
"Of course I know! I am a Man-Witch! … And you talk in your sleep."
"I'll not leave my ring with no one but myself. It's my ring! MY Ringy-Poos!"
"It's been called that before. But not by you. Now put it aside for Fellatio to keep safe for you."
"Oh, shove me up your arse and plug me in! You want the ring for yourself!" cried Dildo.
Gangrene went sceptic on his ass; "Leave the fucking ring you little prick before I slap you good and proper."
Poor droopy Dildo cowered in fear.
"I'm not trying to rob you," said Gangrene, "I'm just trying to take your property from you against your wishes."
"Oh, Gangrene old friend, you're right. Ever since I got this bloody Ring I've been listening to Disco tunes and dancing round Nob End like Dirk Diggler. I will leave the Ring behind."
Dildo pulled his travel pack onto his small shoulders and made for the door.
"Dildo." Gangrene said after him, "You still have the Ring on you."
"No I don't. Go ahead … frisk me."
So, Gangrene the Gay felt Dildo up and down, and found nothing. It wasn't even in his undies.
"I can go then?" Nobbins asked.
He gave it some thought, then pointed an accusing finger at the Nibblet; "Don't make me come in and get it." Warned the Man-Witch.
Dildo rolled his eyes, dropped his pants and, with a short push, crapped it out of his ass - onto the floor.
Then he left with some difficulty. Turning back he added, "I have a title for my autobiography. 'There, back, and back there again'."
"An autobiography?" asked Gangrene, "Shouldn't you wait till you're a bit older for that?"
Dildo huffed, "Even Will Young and Gareth Gates have autobiography's out and they've been around less than a year. And the're not even 30!"
With that, Dildo tore himself away from Nob End and Nibbleton, and The Slum - never to return.
As he went he sang a famous old Nibblet song:
'The Road Goes On…And On, And On,
Till Soon My Feet are Bruised And Numb.
If I Stay On This Path It'll Take Forever,
So I'll Go Off-Road Cos I'm Jolly Clever.
Into Thorny Brambles I - OUCH, My Ass.
And Over The Cold And Wet Field Grass.
It would be nice if I could afford some shoes,
But at least I've got my bag of Booze!'