Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters.
Dangers in the Past.
The next time he woke up, Harry was feeling much better. His muscles were still sore, but at least he could move without being in too much pain. Slowly he opened his eyes, trying to assess how bright it was in the room. Luckily, the light didn't blind him like it had done the last time around, and he was able to open his eyes without trouble. Looking around, he saw Ron and Hermione sitting in chairs near his bed. They were talking softly to each other and hadn't noticed he had woken up. Harry stayed still for a few minutes, enjoying the sight of his best friends talking peacefully to each other, without the worry and stress that too often marked their conversations.
Ron was the first to notice he was awake, while talking to his friend, he had looked up to check on Harry, only to find laughing emerald eyes staring at him. With a small whoop of joy, Ron sprang up from his chair and gently embraced his friend in a short hug. Before he could utter a word he was roughly pushed aside and Harry found himself trying to hug a crying Hermione. Ron watched amusedly as his friend cried for a while and Harry tried to calm her down, telling her he was fine. Knowing this could take a while, Ron left the room, intent on informing Ryan, Daniel and Dumbledore that Harry had finally woken up.
Hermione let go of Harry's neck a few minutes after Ron had left the room. Brushing her tears away, she sat back in her chair and smiled up at her friend. "Sorry about that, Harry, I was just so relieved you had finally woken up."
The boy smiled softly at her and turned to lie on his side so he could look at her without trouble. "It's ok, 'Mione. How long was I out?"
Hermione grimaced slightly. "About five days, after you appeared again, that is. You woke up shortly, two days ago, but Sirius says you were in a lot of pain and didn't seem to know what was going on."
Harry frowned slightly. He vaguely remembered a soft voice telling him to drink something; it probably had been Sirius. Thinking about Sirius, made him think about everyone else. That no one besides him was in the hospital wing was a good sign, but he still needed to know how everyone was doing. "Herm? Is everyone ok?"
Hermione smiled at her friend's concern and settled back into her chair. "Let's see. Ryan nearly had a nervous breakdown when you disappeared, but he's fine now, just exhausted. He has stayed with you most of the time and Remus had to drag him out of here so he could sleep and eat something. Daniel is doing well, although he got in a lot of arguments with Sirius for the last few days, well, more or less like when you defeated Voldemort." Harry nodded in understanding.
"Ron and I have been worried about you, but otherwise we're also okay. James and Lily are still in shock about you. Daniel and Ryan told them a lot about you and they are still trying to process it all. Sirius and Remus, the younger ones, are trying to kill Peter, because Ryan told them what will happen with the slimy rat." Hermione grimaced. "Ron and I spent our time either here or protecting the little bastard."
Harry looked at her in amazement and couldn't help but chuckle. "Let me get this straight. You two, who hate Pettigrew nearly as much as me, are protecting him from the Marauders?"
Hermione looked at him, irritated. "I don't think it's funny. Luckily, Dumbledore asked Snape to take Peter out of here for a few days, at least until we're ready to erase everyone's memories of what has happened."
Harry grimaced. He really didn't want to do that. It was like betraying his parents; sending them to their deaths. Hermione picked up the expression in his face and gently took his hand. "You know we have to do this, Harry."
The boy turned his head away, to glare at the wall in front of him. "I know, Hermione I know we have to do this so the future stays the same, so Voldemort will disappear for thirteen years, so a lot of people, who would have been killed by him, will still be able to live. I know all that, but that doesn't mean I have to like it or that it's easy for me to do this. I've always had to think of everyone else, and just for once, I would like to be selfish and tell everyone to go to hell, to just allow my parents to live, even if it brought Voldemort back."
Hermione stayed quiet for a few moments, unsure about what she should say. A soft noise to her left made her turn around and she saw Ryan and Daniel standing at the door. It seemed both men had heard what Harry had said. With a small movement of his head, Ryan indicated she should leave with Daniel so he could talk with Harry alone. Hermione nodded slightly, and bent down to kiss Harry on the check.
"I'll be back in a while."
Harry nodded, but his eyes were still fixed on Sirius. When Hermione and Remus had finally left the room, Ryan walked slowly up to his godson's bed. Without saying a word, he sat down on the bed next to Harry and took the boy into his arms in a gentle hug. Harry couldn't help but relax in his godfather's arms. He always felt so protected there, even more so than in Dumbledore's.
"I'm so glad you're finally awake, Harry."
Harry nodded and pulled away from his godfather so he could see his face. "You heard what Hermione and I were talking about, didn't you?"
Sirius nodded lightly. "Moony and I arrived just when she was talking about erasing their memory." Harry observed his godfather intently. He expected to see sadness in his features, but instead of that, he found peace, a deep peace that had finally erased the shadows of Azkaban. Confused, he asked Sirius, "Don't you feel the same way I do, Sirius?"
The older man smiled gently down at him, no trace of sadness appeared in his eyes. "I thought I would, Harry. I sincerely thought this would be hard, but it isn't. Look, James and Lily were my best friends, for several years they became the most important thing in my life. After they died, I felt lost, I didn't have anything to focus on. Sure, you were there, but as much as I loved you, a small baby can not take the place of your best friends, your family. The love you have for a kid is very different, and while it doesn't mean I loved you less than I loved your parents, it couldn't cover the hurt of their loss."
Taking a deep breath, Sirius continued. "After Azkaban, my focus became killing Peter, or at least capturing him, and even if I did everything in my power to help you, the deep resentment towards him pushed me to be reckless. It also covered the loss of James and Lily; it gave a new focus. After I finally met you, that started to change again. I started to look for Peter even more frantically, not for revenge, but for you, so I could offer you something you'd deserved your whole live. You essentially became my life, my focus, my happiness."
By this point Harry was blushing. Even if Sirius had told him more than once that he loved him, this was different. Slowly Harry began to realise where Sirius was going with his speech, but he still listened intently to what his godfather was saying.
"When we came here, I noticed that seeing James and Lily didn't hurt so much anymore. Sure, it was still weird, but every time I saw them, I was able to remember the happy things instead of their death. What really hurt, what made me realise that James and Lily were really not that important to me anymore, was how much it hurt when YOU disappeared. All these days I haven't been that worried about James and Lily because I was completely focused on you. The only real reason I wanted James and Lily to wake up was so you could come back."
Sirius paused for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts. "I know it sounds cold, and I don't really mean to seem harsh. I only want you to realise that James and Lily are dead to me, and they have been for a long time. Bringing them back would be great if we knew for sure what would happen, but maybe it will turn out for the worse. Maybe they will end up dead anyway. Maybe this time you will die, and that's something I can't risk. You were talking about being selfish, well, now I'm being selfish I don't want to risk you for something we don't even know will work out."
They stayed silent for a long moment. Sirius sat calmly looking at his godson, hoping that the boy would understand what he had tried to explain. Finally, Harry looked at him. "I don't know what to say."
Sirius's eyes became a bit sad, but he kept his smile on his lips. "You don't have to say anything, Harry."
The boy nodded and closed his eyes. "I'm tired."
Sirius stood up and gently kissed his forehead. "Go to sleep, kid."
Without another word, Sirius walked out of the room and closed the door behind him. A few moments after his godfather walked out, Harry sat up again. He wasn't really that tired, he just needed time to think. He knew Sirius had only tried to tell him that his priorities had changed; that having James and Lily alive wasn't so important to his godfather as it was to keep him safe. Harry decided that maybe it was time to also look at his priorities. He knew he always wanted his parents alive, but for the first time, he questioned his reasons. After all, he barely knew them. What was it about James and Lily Potter that he wanted? The answer was easier than he expected; he just wanted a family, someone to call his. Following this train of thought, he realised that that was stupid. He already had a family. Sirius, Dumbledore, Remus, even Severus, if they ever managed to be friends again; they were all there for him and they never got tired of reminding him of it. Then why was it so important to have his parents back? This time the answer was a bit harder to find, but eventually he came up with it. He was afraid. He was afraid that Sirius would find someone else, a wife, maybe even kids, after all his godfather wasn't that old. And then what? What would happen to him? The same with Remus and Severus. Dumbledore was the only one whom Harry doubted would form a family now that the war was over, but the man was old, as much as Harry loathed to think about it, the old Headmaster might not be alive much longer.
Sighing sadly, Harry lay back down. Sirius was right; how could he ever consider risking everything he loved for something unknown? His parents might die, he might die, too, or Sirius, or Remus. And maybe Sirius would still want him around even if he got married. Closing his eyes, the boy thought that maybe he should ask; it would sure help to calm his insecurities. With a last soft sigh, he felt asleep.
To be continued.
A/N: Thanks for all reviews. And thanks to my beta reader Tanya for her help.
Dangers in the Past.
The next time he woke up, Harry was feeling much better. His muscles were still sore, but at least he could move without being in too much pain. Slowly he opened his eyes, trying to assess how bright it was in the room. Luckily, the light didn't blind him like it had done the last time around, and he was able to open his eyes without trouble. Looking around, he saw Ron and Hermione sitting in chairs near his bed. They were talking softly to each other and hadn't noticed he had woken up. Harry stayed still for a few minutes, enjoying the sight of his best friends talking peacefully to each other, without the worry and stress that too often marked their conversations.
Ron was the first to notice he was awake, while talking to his friend, he had looked up to check on Harry, only to find laughing emerald eyes staring at him. With a small whoop of joy, Ron sprang up from his chair and gently embraced his friend in a short hug. Before he could utter a word he was roughly pushed aside and Harry found himself trying to hug a crying Hermione. Ron watched amusedly as his friend cried for a while and Harry tried to calm her down, telling her he was fine. Knowing this could take a while, Ron left the room, intent on informing Ryan, Daniel and Dumbledore that Harry had finally woken up.
Hermione let go of Harry's neck a few minutes after Ron had left the room. Brushing her tears away, she sat back in her chair and smiled up at her friend. "Sorry about that, Harry, I was just so relieved you had finally woken up."
The boy smiled softly at her and turned to lie on his side so he could look at her without trouble. "It's ok, 'Mione. How long was I out?"
Hermione grimaced slightly. "About five days, after you appeared again, that is. You woke up shortly, two days ago, but Sirius says you were in a lot of pain and didn't seem to know what was going on."
Harry frowned slightly. He vaguely remembered a soft voice telling him to drink something; it probably had been Sirius. Thinking about Sirius, made him think about everyone else. That no one besides him was in the hospital wing was a good sign, but he still needed to know how everyone was doing. "Herm? Is everyone ok?"
Hermione smiled at her friend's concern and settled back into her chair. "Let's see. Ryan nearly had a nervous breakdown when you disappeared, but he's fine now, just exhausted. He has stayed with you most of the time and Remus had to drag him out of here so he could sleep and eat something. Daniel is doing well, although he got in a lot of arguments with Sirius for the last few days, well, more or less like when you defeated Voldemort." Harry nodded in understanding.
"Ron and I have been worried about you, but otherwise we're also okay. James and Lily are still in shock about you. Daniel and Ryan told them a lot about you and they are still trying to process it all. Sirius and Remus, the younger ones, are trying to kill Peter, because Ryan told them what will happen with the slimy rat." Hermione grimaced. "Ron and I spent our time either here or protecting the little bastard."
Harry looked at her in amazement and couldn't help but chuckle. "Let me get this straight. You two, who hate Pettigrew nearly as much as me, are protecting him from the Marauders?"
Hermione looked at him, irritated. "I don't think it's funny. Luckily, Dumbledore asked Snape to take Peter out of here for a few days, at least until we're ready to erase everyone's memories of what has happened."
Harry grimaced. He really didn't want to do that. It was like betraying his parents; sending them to their deaths. Hermione picked up the expression in his face and gently took his hand. "You know we have to do this, Harry."
The boy turned his head away, to glare at the wall in front of him. "I know, Hermione I know we have to do this so the future stays the same, so Voldemort will disappear for thirteen years, so a lot of people, who would have been killed by him, will still be able to live. I know all that, but that doesn't mean I have to like it or that it's easy for me to do this. I've always had to think of everyone else, and just for once, I would like to be selfish and tell everyone to go to hell, to just allow my parents to live, even if it brought Voldemort back."
Hermione stayed quiet for a few moments, unsure about what she should say. A soft noise to her left made her turn around and she saw Ryan and Daniel standing at the door. It seemed both men had heard what Harry had said. With a small movement of his head, Ryan indicated she should leave with Daniel so he could talk with Harry alone. Hermione nodded slightly, and bent down to kiss Harry on the check.
"I'll be back in a while."
Harry nodded, but his eyes were still fixed on Sirius. When Hermione and Remus had finally left the room, Ryan walked slowly up to his godson's bed. Without saying a word, he sat down on the bed next to Harry and took the boy into his arms in a gentle hug. Harry couldn't help but relax in his godfather's arms. He always felt so protected there, even more so than in Dumbledore's.
"I'm so glad you're finally awake, Harry."
Harry nodded and pulled away from his godfather so he could see his face. "You heard what Hermione and I were talking about, didn't you?"
Sirius nodded lightly. "Moony and I arrived just when she was talking about erasing their memory." Harry observed his godfather intently. He expected to see sadness in his features, but instead of that, he found peace, a deep peace that had finally erased the shadows of Azkaban. Confused, he asked Sirius, "Don't you feel the same way I do, Sirius?"
The older man smiled gently down at him, no trace of sadness appeared in his eyes. "I thought I would, Harry. I sincerely thought this would be hard, but it isn't. Look, James and Lily were my best friends, for several years they became the most important thing in my life. After they died, I felt lost, I didn't have anything to focus on. Sure, you were there, but as much as I loved you, a small baby can not take the place of your best friends, your family. The love you have for a kid is very different, and while it doesn't mean I loved you less than I loved your parents, it couldn't cover the hurt of their loss."
Taking a deep breath, Sirius continued. "After Azkaban, my focus became killing Peter, or at least capturing him, and even if I did everything in my power to help you, the deep resentment towards him pushed me to be reckless. It also covered the loss of James and Lily; it gave a new focus. After I finally met you, that started to change again. I started to look for Peter even more frantically, not for revenge, but for you, so I could offer you something you'd deserved your whole live. You essentially became my life, my focus, my happiness."
By this point Harry was blushing. Even if Sirius had told him more than once that he loved him, this was different. Slowly Harry began to realise where Sirius was going with his speech, but he still listened intently to what his godfather was saying.
"When we came here, I noticed that seeing James and Lily didn't hurt so much anymore. Sure, it was still weird, but every time I saw them, I was able to remember the happy things instead of their death. What really hurt, what made me realise that James and Lily were really not that important to me anymore, was how much it hurt when YOU disappeared. All these days I haven't been that worried about James and Lily because I was completely focused on you. The only real reason I wanted James and Lily to wake up was so you could come back."
Sirius paused for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts. "I know it sounds cold, and I don't really mean to seem harsh. I only want you to realise that James and Lily are dead to me, and they have been for a long time. Bringing them back would be great if we knew for sure what would happen, but maybe it will turn out for the worse. Maybe they will end up dead anyway. Maybe this time you will die, and that's something I can't risk. You were talking about being selfish, well, now I'm being selfish I don't want to risk you for something we don't even know will work out."
They stayed silent for a long moment. Sirius sat calmly looking at his godson, hoping that the boy would understand what he had tried to explain. Finally, Harry looked at him. "I don't know what to say."
Sirius's eyes became a bit sad, but he kept his smile on his lips. "You don't have to say anything, Harry."
The boy nodded and closed his eyes. "I'm tired."
Sirius stood up and gently kissed his forehead. "Go to sleep, kid."
Without another word, Sirius walked out of the room and closed the door behind him. A few moments after his godfather walked out, Harry sat up again. He wasn't really that tired, he just needed time to think. He knew Sirius had only tried to tell him that his priorities had changed; that having James and Lily alive wasn't so important to his godfather as it was to keep him safe. Harry decided that maybe it was time to also look at his priorities. He knew he always wanted his parents alive, but for the first time, he questioned his reasons. After all, he barely knew them. What was it about James and Lily Potter that he wanted? The answer was easier than he expected; he just wanted a family, someone to call his. Following this train of thought, he realised that that was stupid. He already had a family. Sirius, Dumbledore, Remus, even Severus, if they ever managed to be friends again; they were all there for him and they never got tired of reminding him of it. Then why was it so important to have his parents back? This time the answer was a bit harder to find, but eventually he came up with it. He was afraid. He was afraid that Sirius would find someone else, a wife, maybe even kids, after all his godfather wasn't that old. And then what? What would happen to him? The same with Remus and Severus. Dumbledore was the only one whom Harry doubted would form a family now that the war was over, but the man was old, as much as Harry loathed to think about it, the old Headmaster might not be alive much longer.
Sighing sadly, Harry lay back down. Sirius was right; how could he ever consider risking everything he loved for something unknown? His parents might die, he might die, too, or Sirius, or Remus. And maybe Sirius would still want him around even if he got married. Closing his eyes, the boy thought that maybe he should ask; it would sure help to calm his insecurities. With a last soft sigh, he felt asleep.
To be continued.
A/N: Thanks for all reviews. And thanks to my beta reader Tanya for her help.