Happy birthday to Enkidu, Happy birthday to Enkidu, Happy birthday dear
Enkidu, Happy birthday to you,
*giggles* yeah I wanted to write this small fic as a present to my most favorite author Enkidu!! Please enjoy. Yaoi, guys on guys, I no own you no sue, flames will be used to toast marshmallow la la la, read n review. Oh this is a song fic to the song by queen, stone cold crazy, I thought it fit Bakura pretty well ne?
Ja!
Stone Cold Crazy
Sleeping very soundly on a Saturday morning
I been dreaming I was Al Capone
A loud groan came from the tussled bundle of sheets and then arose a very disgruntled Bakura. He grabbed his forehead moaning again from the sharp spikes of pain.
"Oohoo..I'll never mix beer and...what the fuck else did I have?"
It really wasn't as important as Bakura trying to keep his balance as he made his way to the bathroom to pay homage to the oh so unforgiving porcelain god.(AKA toilet-sama) He rested his head against the cool tank, not even paying the slightest attention to the relentless knocking on the door.
There's a rumor going round
Gotta clear outta town
Yeah, I'm smelling like a dry fish bone
"BAKURA!!!" Ryou pounded relentlessly on the door, finally testing the knob to find it unlocked.
"Ooops." He giggled before striding into the room to hear the pleasant sound of retching.
"What are you doing to the fish tank?" The poor hikari whimpered as he saw unidentifiable floating objects in the once clean tank.
"Wha...oh.." He wiped his hand on the back of his palm, still feeling yuckish. "Well it use to look like a toilet."
"Oh Bakura, don't you know what today is?"
"...Today." He answered, not really daring to think, to cause him to lurch again.
"No, its Enkidu's birthday!"
"Who?"
Here come the law
Gonna break down the door
Gonna carry me away once more
Ryou himself had to think.who was she? Just then in a magical cloud, the author Messiah appeared and sprinkled some magic dust found in an old Cinnamon toast crunch box.
"She's the one that introduced you to Malik, remember?"
"What? No one in." Another cloud appeared over Bakura. *Sprinkle, sprinkle*
"Oh yeah, well I guess I should get her something then. But what? I still don't really know her."
"Hmm yeah that's true, oh wait, we do know something!"
"What?"
"The fact that she likes you and Malik together."
"EEESH! What a pervert...I like her already." The yami chuckled. "Still what the hell do I get her?"
Ryou put his finger to his chin and slowly knitted his brows together.
"A ha!" He exclaimed snapping his fingers. "You could make her a raunchy porno video of yourself and Malik!"
Bakura felt like throwing up again. Just who was his light hanging out with anyway? Well yeah, he did live with him after all, but what happen to his once so innocent Ryou?
"And you could have scented candles and silk and oh some leather straps." He pranced around the room as his mind went astray, spitting out every idea that came to mind.
"Garter belts, fishnets la la la la la." He continued prancing
"WOAH! Have you done this before Ryou?!?!"
"Huh?" He stopped to look at his mortified Yami. "Wouldn't you like to know?" He softly giggled.
"Ryou." Bakura growled reaching for his light. Ryou blew him a raspberry as he ran out of the room.
"Get back here!!" He sprinted out the room and down the stairs seeing the front door open. The cold air hit him hard as he cautiously looked out on the front stairs. With a quick hand and a swift chuckled, Ryou shut the door. Leaving his yami out in the cold. (So to speak)
"What the fuck are you doing?!!? OPEN UP!?"
"Go talk to Malik and see what he thinks."
"I CANT IN MY BOXERS! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!" Bakura stood there, teeth chattering as he hopped from foot to foot in his dark blue boxers with little bats on them. A soft 'plif' sound landed next to him, turning out to be a rumpled pile of clothes.
"Hurry back we have a lot of work to do today."
"What do you mean we!?!?" Silence...
Bakura huffed, kicking the clothes in annoyance. Since when did Ryou ever get the upper hand? He dressed quickly in the pair of red, white, and black plaid pants, a puffy green jacket, some worn out sneakers and a black shirt with red lettering on it that read "Little devil" with a picture of Tweedy in a red devil costume.
"I'm gonna kill him..slowly."
Never, I never, I never want it anymore
Gotta get away from this stone cold floor
The streets were quiet...too quiet. Bakura's eyes shifted nervously from side to side, waiting to hear anything, anything at all. He turned sharply to a soft rustle behind him, looking up to a baron leafed tree. A single pigeon sat in the tree looking at him curiously.
"Better than nothing I guess." Although he would have rather shot it instead. Just then, he noticed two more pigeons on a higher branch, then six on the one next to that. What the hell? He turned to look at the telephone line across the street to notice over twenty more of those filthy diseased rats with wings perched, contently starring at him.
"This is like a back Hitchcock movie.." Another soft rustle and he looked above his head, seeing countless pigeons perched on the widows of the building next to him.
"This can't be good." No sooner did he say that, from somewhere unknown the Flight of the Valkyris (I know it's probably spelled wrong) played and each and every single pigeon in the area took off in flight after Bakura.
Craaaaaaaazy...
Stone cold crazy, you know
A trail of smoke was all that was left of him as the yami took off in a mad dash.
"There just pigeons right? What could they possible do?" To answer his question a near by stop sign seemed to be instantly riddled with bullet holes.
"You gotta be shitting me." And that it was, shit. Projectile pigeon poop was being shot at the frantic Bakura as the pigeons loomed above his head in a standard V formation. (Just like the car commercial *dies laughing*)
"AHHAHHHHHHHH!!!" He squealed as he nearly avoided being slaughtered by the deadly dung. It was a long trek to Malik's house but some how he made it there is one piece. Thankfully the door was unlocked as Bakura busted in huffing and puffing as he leaned on the door.
"Bakura?" Malik got up from his couch, pausing the porno he was watching to look over at the frantic yami in his house. "What's wrong?"
He merely pointed to the window, still desperately trying to catch his breath.
"All I see is some pigeons." He looked over Bakura at his ...less than usual clothing. "Are you alright? Did you eat fruit loops before you went to bed again?"
"No they were trying to kill me!!!"
"Who was?"
"The pigeons!"
"The pigeons?"
"YES!"
"..right."
"You don't believe me do you?"
"Well you are a crazy bastard, but then again so am I." He grinned.
"Why are you here anyway? That eager to fuck so early in the morning?"
"Ok let's get a few things straight. One, the pigeons ARE trying to kill me. Two, anytime is a good time to fuck. Three, its Enkidu's birthday today."
"Enkidu...?" *poof* Messiah appeared again, this time with a frosted flakes box, Cinnamon toast crunch just wouldn't do the job for Malik. * Sprinkle, sprinkle.*
"Wow it's her birthday already huh?"
"Yeah so Ryou,"
"Thought we should make her raunchy porn of us, kicked you out naked and them gave you some of his clothes to ask you what I thought."
"Yeah...how did you know?"
"It's Ryou."
"So?"
"So it's Ryou."
"What the hell does that mean!?!"
"He's such a freaky ho."
"WHAT!?!?"
"Well I guess I can't blame him, what with all the nipple twisting and going's on with Honda."
"HONDA?!?"
"Well I guess I can't blame him either with Mai and all her kinky habits."
"MAI TOO?"
"Yeah were have you been?"
Bakura thought a moment, he never saw either one of them over the house, and Ryou never said anything. Oh who gives a shit!
"It doesn't matter, come on I'm sure he's waiting. If he waits too long we may interrupt something."
"Oh dear god." The sickening image of two.or all three of them together was just terrible. Wasn't Ryou more careful than that? What if Mai gave him one of her VD's, what if Honda impaled him on that triangular shaped head of his? All his thinking made him completely forget about the pigeons as he sat behind Malik on his bike. Malik gripped the handles tightly, starting the engine and that was all it took. They were up and flying again.
"You better drive fast."
"Why?"
Bakura just turned Malik's head to the fluttering armada behind them.
"..." Was all he could muster to say as one hairpin turn after another was performed avoiding the flinging fertilizer.
"Where the hell is that music coming from?"
"And I'm the crazy bastard?"
"Shut up." The two dashed off the bike, pounding desperately on the door.
"RYOU, RYOU OPEN UP!!!"
"Alright, alright I'm coming. Phew Honda left just in time, I wish he would get a hair cut though." Ryou gave his sore chest as few quick rubs as he placed the last few eye drops into his sore, Honda hair poked, eye.
Rainy afternoon I gotta blow a typhoon
And I'm playing on my slide trombone
Anymore, anymore, cannot take it anymore
"What's the hurry guys?"
"DUCK!" Malik yelled as he and Bakura literally kissed the dirt, avoiding the onslaught. Ryou was not so lucky. No sooner did he open the door was he smacked right dab between the eyes, immediately falling to the floor. Bakura and Malik quickly scurried inside; bolting the door, hearing what sounded like a thousand tiny darts hits it.
"Fuck, now what do we do, we can't go back out there!"
"I don't know, since when did pigeons think so strategically?"
"I wish you could."
"Fuck off!" Bakura spat, as he heard the groan of his hikari.
"EEEEWWW." Ryou cried as he wiped off the best-left undescribed stuff off his face. "I think I'm gonna be sick."
"Wait., what about fluffy?"
"What about fluffy?"
"Could some one help me up?" Ryou groped the air, seeing double in one eye as his other was still cloudy from the eye drops.
"We could use him as a distraction for the pigeons."
"Helllloooo fluffy is at your house remember?"
Just then an imaginary duffel bag appeared in Malik's hand.
"What the.?"
"Silly, I take him every where with me."
"But how did you."
"Don't question."
"Right."
Gotta get away from this stone cold floor
Crazy...
Stone cold crazy, you know
"I think I'm blind." Ryou whimpered still groping.
Malik let the bag down, pulling back the zipper and taking out the slithering snake. "Hello fluffy." Malik cooed to his pet.
"Oh fucking hell."
He only scoffed at Bakura soothing his pet. "Oh don't be scarred by him fluffy, Bakura is just a baby when it comes to snakes."
"I am not!!"
"Then hold him."
"No!"
"That proves it."
"Shut up just becau, AHH!!" Bakura jumped about six feet as he felt a tightly grasping hand on his ass. It's not that he minded of course, but Malik was on the other side of the room, so this was unexpected.
"Oh Honda I thought you left?"
"I'M NOT HONDA!"
"Hmm, strange." The temporally blinded Ryou pondered on the floor.
"What's strange?"
"Well you guys have the same ass."
"WHAT!?!"
"Yeah Honda's left cheek is a little flatter than the other."
Malik snorted letting fluffy slither on the floor.
"Is that true?!?" He turned to Malik.
"Well..one if them is smaller than the other."
Bakura glared viciously at him. "I hate you both."
"Ok never mind that, fluffy can get us out of here. I just let him out see, and he eats the pigeons."
"Were gonna need a better plan than that."
"I still can't see people!"
"Well I don't hear your brilliant master piece either!."
"It's better than relying on that fucking enlarged pipe cleaner!"
"Don't talk about fluffy like that!"
"Have pity on me.."
"Hmph, I'll show you." Bakura brushed past Ryou heading to his room and started pulling away at a few things in his closet.
"It's getting infected.."
"What the fuck is he doing?"
"Malik... if Bakura left and your over there..who's touching me?"
Malik finally decided to listen to Ryou, looking him over and gasping slightly. "Fluffy!! Don't go there I know where it's been, you'll get all sorts of nasty germs!"
"AHHHH!!! Get it off get it off!!"
"Fluffy let go of that right now!!"
"WAHH I don't want to be castrated by a snake." Ryou cries hysterically as Malik try's to desperately tug his beloved snake from Ryou's pant leg.
"Alright you pansies, get the fuck up."
All Ryou could hear was the loud clank of metal that his yami took with every step.
"Malik,.. what's happening?"
"The end of us all." He sighed holding fluffy.
Ryou sat there on the floor, the other two bickered endlessly, hearing an array of tools, metal, and curses.
"The round thingy goes on the pole!"
"Would you listen to yourself talk Malik? It's a bolt and a nut for the umpteenth (it's a word) fucking time! And no it doesn't, the strut goes there."
"Round thingy!"
"Strut!"
*Thump*
"Round thingy!"
"Strut!"
*Thump thump*
"Round thingy!"
"Strut!!"
*thump, thump, thump*
Ryou couldn't help but heard the loud thuds coming from the window, he tried his hardest to squint his eyes open to see.
"ROUNDY THINGY!"
"STRUT!"
"Ummm..guys.."
*Thump,thump,thump,thump,thump.*
"I said it once I'll say it again, The round thingy goes there."
"Look you vocabulary challenged asshole, the fucking strut goes there!"
"Hey listen to me!"
*Thump, thump*
"Oh yeah? Well at least I have heard of the word COOOOMB!" He sluggishly dragged out the word.
"Yeah? Well at least I don't have a fucking Egyptian picture book on my back."
"Say that again.." The blonde Egyptian snarled.
"Guys come on, you really need to see this."
"Egyptian picture book."
"Oh bloody hell."
"NAHHH!!!" Malik lunged at Bakura, grabbing at his knotty white hair and the two tussled around on the floor.
*Thump, thump, thump, crack*
"GUYS!!!!"
"WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?!" They both yelled, hands on each other's throats.
Ryou pointed to the now cracked and blood smeared window.
"Oh shit.."
"There's such a thing a kamikaze pigeons?!"
"Ah!" Ryou stumbled back on the floor as another pigeon shot at the window, pushing his head through.
"We have to go now!" Bakura lifted Ryou on his back as Malik scurried to gather up what they were working on as they bolted out the door.
"Bakura why are you carrying me? Oh does this mean your going to me nicer to me from now on?"
"Fuck no, you make a good shield." They all dashed to Malik's bike.
"...asshole..."
"What'd you say?"
"Nothing."
"Oh."
Ryou was plopped down on the seat, as a helmet was smacked on to his head.
"Hang on." Malik called to him as the bike started off.
The engine roared and Ryou quickly wrapped his arms around Malik's waist. "Wait, wait, where's Bakura?"
Just then he heard the most evil, eerie, and disturbing laughter next to him, and a loud explosion. Taking pity on the poor hikari, Messiah popped out again fairy sized with a spray bottle. *squirt squirt*
Some how magically, Ryou could see again and what he saw next to him, he only thought he could vaguely remember in a vicious nightmare.
Through his returning visions he saw one of those extensions that looked like an egg that you put on the side of a bike so you could fit another person type thing with two wheels. His yami was cladded in all-tight black leather save for his big black biker like jacket with lots of metal zipper. He stood ,some what, in the duck seat thing, turning behind them, laughing hysterically as he hoisted his foot up on the back of it for balance. In his hands was a large fully fueled flame-thrower, spraying at the sky behind them.
Walking down the street shooting people that I meet
With my rubber tommy water gun
"Fry you little flying dirt bags! FRY! MWAHAHHAHAH!"
Bakura was having a ball spraying the flame-thrower all over the place as flaming ball after flaming ball of feathers sizzled to the ground.
"Bakura is so scary."
"Phe, you know nothing. You should see him when he has me tied down and."
"Please don't finish that sentence."
"Suit yourself."
"Thanks."
They drove through the streets and Malik parked his bike at the Domino City mall. The trio headed out, ready to tackled the raunchy video..thing.
"Jeez, there's so many stores here..where should we start?" Malik questioned. His deep purple eyes scanning up and down the long rows of stores.
"Oh Frederick's of Hollywood!!" Ryou squealed.
"What the hell is that?"
"It's a really cool kinky clothes store. Makes Victoria secret's look like Old Navy!" (Seriously, I was there!)
"Damn that dog."
"Are you ok Bakura?"
"Yes.I'm just fine." Bakura nearly forgot to add the dog's name to his, people I must kill, list. Along with Martha Stuart, Michael Jackson, and the inventor of the toaster (those evil things!) just to name a few.
"Good, here we are!"
Malik and Bakura could not believe their eyes, how could they have over looked this place!?? It was a cornucopia of leather, lace, and eye patched sized outfits. They died and went to hentai heaven!
"Hmm now the problem is, what type of theme should we go for? What do you guys think." Ryou turned to find he was only talking to himself, finding his yami and his partner missing. "Malik? Bakura?"
A mysterious shopping cart appeared in the store with Malik and Bakura directly behind it, pushing it happily, filling it with various items.
Ryou simply sighed as he saw the pair pilfering the store.
"Oh I want this one, and that one, oh this would look good on you Malik, after I take it off of course."
"Maybe they have a black one for you."
"Hmm, maybe, let me ask." Bakura walked over to the counter and tapped on the shoulder of a very large white haired woman. "Hey you guys got this in black?"
"Hmm? Silly Bakura I don't work here." The infamous Pegasus turned around, smiling his continuous stupid smile.
Here come the deputy
He's gonna come and getter me
"Wahh!! What the hell are you doing here!"
"Well I could ask you the same question, but alas I'm just waiting for my little desert mystery to finish changing." ( God I couldn't think of anything else)
"You're.desert mystery????"
The always-hard worker God of on cue things used this moment to let one of the draw shades of the changing rooms' open and there was the ever- mysterious Shadi. Dress in something pink, puffy and way too revealing.
"So Peggy.what do you think." Shadi struck a very naughty model pose, speaking so seductively to Pegasus.
"AHHHH!!!!! IT BURNS IT BURNS!" Bakura scratched desperately at his eyes.
"Oh Shadi it's perfect!" Pegasus squealed in delight as he scampered over to the object of his affections.
Bakura fell back against the wall. "I can see it, even when I close my eyes!" He cried.
Then to make matters worse, they proceeded to make out like there was so tomorrow!
I got to get me get up and run They got the sirens loose
I ran right outtalk juice
Malik and Ryou grabbed an arm each, running out of the store, using some near by panties to cover their eyes. (Thank god for panties!)
Once they were at safe distance, say, 1, 000, 000, 000 miles away, they stopped to catch their breath.
"That was close!"
"Oh poor Bakura." Ryou patted his still suffering yami on the head.
"Well this is convenient."
"What is?" Ryou looked in front of them, seeing a store called costume bazaar. "Well it's better than nothing." The two agreed, dragging Bakura inside, panties still on their heads.
Along time after, when Bakura finally came to, a array of costumes was set up and ready for the two to try on. They both grab the mess of clothes and head into different changing rooms.
*Fast forward *
Bakura walks out dressed as Batman. "I feel like such a retard."
Then Malik walks out dressed as Catwoman. (the leather get up one) "I can't complain." He smiled cracking the whip.
Bakura took one look at the sexy leather neko version of Malik and starts to quiver. "Ack! Kryptonite!"
Ryou jumps up fwapping him with a paper fan. "Wrong comic!"
*Fast Forward *
Malik stood by Bakura's dressing room door, hearing the yami cry out.
"Ouch! Stop pulling so fucking hard."
"If you stayed still and stopped bitching I could get this done."
"What did you say?"
"ahhh..I said if you stayed still and stopped twitching, I could get this done." Ryou chuckled. ( I know he just wants to bust out lol)
"Oh."
After what seemed like forever, Ryou appeared with a brushed filled with white frazzled hair.
"It is done."
He sighed in relief. Bakura came after and shocked the fuck out of Malik. He hair was brushed out and pulled into a long ponytail and he had on Alucard's outfit from Castilvania: Symphony of the night.
"Wow.." Malik was somewhat speechless. "That really suits you."
".You think so?" He looked himself over in the mirror.
"Definitely!"
*Fast Forward *
Bakura came out in a French maid's outfit, as Malik popped out in a schoolgirl uniform. They both looked at each other and almost fucked right there.
"Cleaning and fucking..its perfect!"
"Sex, and naughty school girls woo hoo."
"Guys, guys!!" Ryou jumped between them. "Save it for the tape!"
After the final purchases where done, Malik started to look for his bike, while Ryou browsed through some CD's at a near by music store.
"Hey Bakura, maybe you should use this song in your video."
"Yuck I don't want any of that cheesy porno music or that lovey dovey crap."
"Just listen."
Ryou placed the headphones over his yami's ears
They're going to put me in a cell
If I can't go to heaven
Will they let me go to hell
"Fine, fine." Odd sounds came from the headphones as the music played.
you let me violate you,
you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you,
you let me complicate you
"Hmm." Bakura let the lyrics slip over him and Malik, finally getting back his bike, walked over to them.
"Hey what are you doing?" Bakura's arm shot out and grabbing Malik, pulling him against his chest, as a wide grin played on his face.
help me I broke apart my insides,
help me i've got no soul to sell
help me the only thing that works for me,
help me get away from myself
I want to fuck you like an animal
"What is he doing Ryou?"
"Watch." The so-called "innocent" one snickered.
"What are you.." Before he could finish, he felt Bakura's roaming hands slide along his body as he softly purred the lyrics into his ear.
"I want to fuck you like an animal, I want to feel you from the inside, I want to fuck you like an animal, my whole existence is flawed, you get me closer to god."
Malik froze with the heat of Bakura's touch, he felt the pinching as his hardening nipple and the swift tugs at his slowly tightening pants.
Ryou could help but to turn around the laugh evilly to himself as he saw Bakura mercilessly grope Malik, although he really did think he minded. Even with every one staring at them, wait, they were staring at him, he STILL had the panties on his head.
"You can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings. You can have my absence of faith, you can have my everything. Help me tear down my reason, help me its' your sex I can smell, help me you make me perfect, help me become somebody else. I want to fuck you like an animal, I want to feel you from the inside, I want to fuck you like an animal, my whole existence is flawed, you get me closer to god."
Ryou yanked the offending underwear off his head and grabbed the almost half-naked moaning pair, and dragged them outside.
It was the moment of truth now, they were at Malik's house and Ryou left a while ago. It just seemed weird. There were scented candles, dark black silk draping to keep out the light from the window's, and Bakura laid on the bed as Malik finished with the camera.
"Ok its all set, the red flashy light means it's on.''
"This is stupid."
"What is?"
"This. Acting out for someone else, I don't want it to be one of the those horrendous porno's you watch!"
He felt the shift in the bed as Malik slowly crawled over him, grinning down. "Who said anything about acting?
The yami smiled, ready for the most entertaining sex of his some how eternally lasting life.
Several hours and positions later, a rumpled, dazed, and practically naked Bakura open the door to Malik's house handing an unusually sticky tape to the postman.
"Thank you!" The postman with the ID tag that read "Messiah" on it chirped, dashing away to Enkidu's house. Wiping down the still hot tape, leaving it in her mailbox writing a small note on behalf of the trio whom worked so hard.
"Dear Enkidu, We wanted to wish you a happy birthday, yadda yadda yadda. Enclosed is a steamy porn of Malik and Bakura for you're viewing pleasure. Thanks for hooking us up!
Love, Ryou, Bakura, Malik"
A while later, Enkidu squealed with happiness (hopefully) and ran inside setting herself up for her birthday present. The tape played and she could hear voices.
"Ok its all set, the red flashy light means it's on.''
"This is stupid."
"What is?"
"This. Acting out for someone else, I don't want it to be one of the those horrendous porno's you watch!"
A soft bed creak.
"Who said anything about acting."
Enkidu knew it was Malik and Bakura talking but there was no picture. She simply shrugged it off and knelt in front of her TV adjusting the picture. But nothing happened, still darkness. She heard wet smacks and soft moans and frantically turned the knobs, but nothing.
'NOOOOOO!!"
They had left the lens cap on.
Crazy...
Stone cold crazy, you know
~Owari~
Waii don't kill me, in her fics she cuts out the steamy sex so I thought it only fitting. I hope you like it and happy birthday Enkidu!
*giggles* yeah I wanted to write this small fic as a present to my most favorite author Enkidu!! Please enjoy. Yaoi, guys on guys, I no own you no sue, flames will be used to toast marshmallow la la la, read n review. Oh this is a song fic to the song by queen, stone cold crazy, I thought it fit Bakura pretty well ne?
Ja!
Stone Cold Crazy
Sleeping very soundly on a Saturday morning
I been dreaming I was Al Capone
A loud groan came from the tussled bundle of sheets and then arose a very disgruntled Bakura. He grabbed his forehead moaning again from the sharp spikes of pain.
"Oohoo..I'll never mix beer and...what the fuck else did I have?"
It really wasn't as important as Bakura trying to keep his balance as he made his way to the bathroom to pay homage to the oh so unforgiving porcelain god.(AKA toilet-sama) He rested his head against the cool tank, not even paying the slightest attention to the relentless knocking on the door.
There's a rumor going round
Gotta clear outta town
Yeah, I'm smelling like a dry fish bone
"BAKURA!!!" Ryou pounded relentlessly on the door, finally testing the knob to find it unlocked.
"Ooops." He giggled before striding into the room to hear the pleasant sound of retching.
"What are you doing to the fish tank?" The poor hikari whimpered as he saw unidentifiable floating objects in the once clean tank.
"Wha...oh.." He wiped his hand on the back of his palm, still feeling yuckish. "Well it use to look like a toilet."
"Oh Bakura, don't you know what today is?"
"...Today." He answered, not really daring to think, to cause him to lurch again.
"No, its Enkidu's birthday!"
"Who?"
Here come the law
Gonna break down the door
Gonna carry me away once more
Ryou himself had to think.who was she? Just then in a magical cloud, the author Messiah appeared and sprinkled some magic dust found in an old Cinnamon toast crunch box.
"She's the one that introduced you to Malik, remember?"
"What? No one in." Another cloud appeared over Bakura. *Sprinkle, sprinkle*
"Oh yeah, well I guess I should get her something then. But what? I still don't really know her."
"Hmm yeah that's true, oh wait, we do know something!"
"What?"
"The fact that she likes you and Malik together."
"EEESH! What a pervert...I like her already." The yami chuckled. "Still what the hell do I get her?"
Ryou put his finger to his chin and slowly knitted his brows together.
"A ha!" He exclaimed snapping his fingers. "You could make her a raunchy porno video of yourself and Malik!"
Bakura felt like throwing up again. Just who was his light hanging out with anyway? Well yeah, he did live with him after all, but what happen to his once so innocent Ryou?
"And you could have scented candles and silk and oh some leather straps." He pranced around the room as his mind went astray, spitting out every idea that came to mind.
"Garter belts, fishnets la la la la la." He continued prancing
"WOAH! Have you done this before Ryou?!?!"
"Huh?" He stopped to look at his mortified Yami. "Wouldn't you like to know?" He softly giggled.
"Ryou." Bakura growled reaching for his light. Ryou blew him a raspberry as he ran out of the room.
"Get back here!!" He sprinted out the room and down the stairs seeing the front door open. The cold air hit him hard as he cautiously looked out on the front stairs. With a quick hand and a swift chuckled, Ryou shut the door. Leaving his yami out in the cold. (So to speak)
"What the fuck are you doing?!!? OPEN UP!?"
"Go talk to Malik and see what he thinks."
"I CANT IN MY BOXERS! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!" Bakura stood there, teeth chattering as he hopped from foot to foot in his dark blue boxers with little bats on them. A soft 'plif' sound landed next to him, turning out to be a rumpled pile of clothes.
"Hurry back we have a lot of work to do today."
"What do you mean we!?!?" Silence...
Bakura huffed, kicking the clothes in annoyance. Since when did Ryou ever get the upper hand? He dressed quickly in the pair of red, white, and black plaid pants, a puffy green jacket, some worn out sneakers and a black shirt with red lettering on it that read "Little devil" with a picture of Tweedy in a red devil costume.
"I'm gonna kill him..slowly."
Never, I never, I never want it anymore
Gotta get away from this stone cold floor
The streets were quiet...too quiet. Bakura's eyes shifted nervously from side to side, waiting to hear anything, anything at all. He turned sharply to a soft rustle behind him, looking up to a baron leafed tree. A single pigeon sat in the tree looking at him curiously.
"Better than nothing I guess." Although he would have rather shot it instead. Just then, he noticed two more pigeons on a higher branch, then six on the one next to that. What the hell? He turned to look at the telephone line across the street to notice over twenty more of those filthy diseased rats with wings perched, contently starring at him.
"This is like a back Hitchcock movie.." Another soft rustle and he looked above his head, seeing countless pigeons perched on the widows of the building next to him.
"This can't be good." No sooner did he say that, from somewhere unknown the Flight of the Valkyris (I know it's probably spelled wrong) played and each and every single pigeon in the area took off in flight after Bakura.
Craaaaaaaazy...
Stone cold crazy, you know
A trail of smoke was all that was left of him as the yami took off in a mad dash.
"There just pigeons right? What could they possible do?" To answer his question a near by stop sign seemed to be instantly riddled with bullet holes.
"You gotta be shitting me." And that it was, shit. Projectile pigeon poop was being shot at the frantic Bakura as the pigeons loomed above his head in a standard V formation. (Just like the car commercial *dies laughing*)
"AHHAHHHHHHHH!!!" He squealed as he nearly avoided being slaughtered by the deadly dung. It was a long trek to Malik's house but some how he made it there is one piece. Thankfully the door was unlocked as Bakura busted in huffing and puffing as he leaned on the door.
"Bakura?" Malik got up from his couch, pausing the porno he was watching to look over at the frantic yami in his house. "What's wrong?"
He merely pointed to the window, still desperately trying to catch his breath.
"All I see is some pigeons." He looked over Bakura at his ...less than usual clothing. "Are you alright? Did you eat fruit loops before you went to bed again?"
"No they were trying to kill me!!!"
"Who was?"
"The pigeons!"
"The pigeons?"
"YES!"
"..right."
"You don't believe me do you?"
"Well you are a crazy bastard, but then again so am I." He grinned.
"Why are you here anyway? That eager to fuck so early in the morning?"
"Ok let's get a few things straight. One, the pigeons ARE trying to kill me. Two, anytime is a good time to fuck. Three, its Enkidu's birthday today."
"Enkidu...?" *poof* Messiah appeared again, this time with a frosted flakes box, Cinnamon toast crunch just wouldn't do the job for Malik. * Sprinkle, sprinkle.*
"Wow it's her birthday already huh?"
"Yeah so Ryou,"
"Thought we should make her raunchy porn of us, kicked you out naked and them gave you some of his clothes to ask you what I thought."
"Yeah...how did you know?"
"It's Ryou."
"So?"
"So it's Ryou."
"What the hell does that mean!?!"
"He's such a freaky ho."
"WHAT!?!?"
"Well I guess I can't blame him, what with all the nipple twisting and going's on with Honda."
"HONDA?!?"
"Well I guess I can't blame him either with Mai and all her kinky habits."
"MAI TOO?"
"Yeah were have you been?"
Bakura thought a moment, he never saw either one of them over the house, and Ryou never said anything. Oh who gives a shit!
"It doesn't matter, come on I'm sure he's waiting. If he waits too long we may interrupt something."
"Oh dear god." The sickening image of two.or all three of them together was just terrible. Wasn't Ryou more careful than that? What if Mai gave him one of her VD's, what if Honda impaled him on that triangular shaped head of his? All his thinking made him completely forget about the pigeons as he sat behind Malik on his bike. Malik gripped the handles tightly, starting the engine and that was all it took. They were up and flying again.
"You better drive fast."
"Why?"
Bakura just turned Malik's head to the fluttering armada behind them.
"..." Was all he could muster to say as one hairpin turn after another was performed avoiding the flinging fertilizer.
"Where the hell is that music coming from?"
"And I'm the crazy bastard?"
"Shut up." The two dashed off the bike, pounding desperately on the door.
"RYOU, RYOU OPEN UP!!!"
"Alright, alright I'm coming. Phew Honda left just in time, I wish he would get a hair cut though." Ryou gave his sore chest as few quick rubs as he placed the last few eye drops into his sore, Honda hair poked, eye.
Rainy afternoon I gotta blow a typhoon
And I'm playing on my slide trombone
Anymore, anymore, cannot take it anymore
"What's the hurry guys?"
"DUCK!" Malik yelled as he and Bakura literally kissed the dirt, avoiding the onslaught. Ryou was not so lucky. No sooner did he open the door was he smacked right dab between the eyes, immediately falling to the floor. Bakura and Malik quickly scurried inside; bolting the door, hearing what sounded like a thousand tiny darts hits it.
"Fuck, now what do we do, we can't go back out there!"
"I don't know, since when did pigeons think so strategically?"
"I wish you could."
"Fuck off!" Bakura spat, as he heard the groan of his hikari.
"EEEEWWW." Ryou cried as he wiped off the best-left undescribed stuff off his face. "I think I'm gonna be sick."
"Wait., what about fluffy?"
"What about fluffy?"
"Could some one help me up?" Ryou groped the air, seeing double in one eye as his other was still cloudy from the eye drops.
"We could use him as a distraction for the pigeons."
"Helllloooo fluffy is at your house remember?"
Just then an imaginary duffel bag appeared in Malik's hand.
"What the.?"
"Silly, I take him every where with me."
"But how did you."
"Don't question."
"Right."
Gotta get away from this stone cold floor
Crazy...
Stone cold crazy, you know
"I think I'm blind." Ryou whimpered still groping.
Malik let the bag down, pulling back the zipper and taking out the slithering snake. "Hello fluffy." Malik cooed to his pet.
"Oh fucking hell."
He only scoffed at Bakura soothing his pet. "Oh don't be scarred by him fluffy, Bakura is just a baby when it comes to snakes."
"I am not!!"
"Then hold him."
"No!"
"That proves it."
"Shut up just becau, AHH!!" Bakura jumped about six feet as he felt a tightly grasping hand on his ass. It's not that he minded of course, but Malik was on the other side of the room, so this was unexpected.
"Oh Honda I thought you left?"
"I'M NOT HONDA!"
"Hmm, strange." The temporally blinded Ryou pondered on the floor.
"What's strange?"
"Well you guys have the same ass."
"WHAT!?!"
"Yeah Honda's left cheek is a little flatter than the other."
Malik snorted letting fluffy slither on the floor.
"Is that true?!?" He turned to Malik.
"Well..one if them is smaller than the other."
Bakura glared viciously at him. "I hate you both."
"Ok never mind that, fluffy can get us out of here. I just let him out see, and he eats the pigeons."
"Were gonna need a better plan than that."
"I still can't see people!"
"Well I don't hear your brilliant master piece either!."
"It's better than relying on that fucking enlarged pipe cleaner!"
"Don't talk about fluffy like that!"
"Have pity on me.."
"Hmph, I'll show you." Bakura brushed past Ryou heading to his room and started pulling away at a few things in his closet.
"It's getting infected.."
"What the fuck is he doing?"
"Malik... if Bakura left and your over there..who's touching me?"
Malik finally decided to listen to Ryou, looking him over and gasping slightly. "Fluffy!! Don't go there I know where it's been, you'll get all sorts of nasty germs!"
"AHHHH!!! Get it off get it off!!"
"Fluffy let go of that right now!!"
"WAHH I don't want to be castrated by a snake." Ryou cries hysterically as Malik try's to desperately tug his beloved snake from Ryou's pant leg.
"Alright you pansies, get the fuck up."
All Ryou could hear was the loud clank of metal that his yami took with every step.
"Malik,.. what's happening?"
"The end of us all." He sighed holding fluffy.
Ryou sat there on the floor, the other two bickered endlessly, hearing an array of tools, metal, and curses.
"The round thingy goes on the pole!"
"Would you listen to yourself talk Malik? It's a bolt and a nut for the umpteenth (it's a word) fucking time! And no it doesn't, the strut goes there."
"Round thingy!"
"Strut!"
*Thump*
"Round thingy!"
"Strut!"
*Thump thump*
"Round thingy!"
"Strut!!"
*thump, thump, thump*
Ryou couldn't help but heard the loud thuds coming from the window, he tried his hardest to squint his eyes open to see.
"ROUNDY THINGY!"
"STRUT!"
"Ummm..guys.."
*Thump,thump,thump,thump,thump.*
"I said it once I'll say it again, The round thingy goes there."
"Look you vocabulary challenged asshole, the fucking strut goes there!"
"Hey listen to me!"
*Thump, thump*
"Oh yeah? Well at least I have heard of the word COOOOMB!" He sluggishly dragged out the word.
"Yeah? Well at least I don't have a fucking Egyptian picture book on my back."
"Say that again.." The blonde Egyptian snarled.
"Guys come on, you really need to see this."
"Egyptian picture book."
"Oh bloody hell."
"NAHHH!!!" Malik lunged at Bakura, grabbing at his knotty white hair and the two tussled around on the floor.
*Thump, thump, thump, crack*
"GUYS!!!!"
"WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?!" They both yelled, hands on each other's throats.
Ryou pointed to the now cracked and blood smeared window.
"Oh shit.."
"There's such a thing a kamikaze pigeons?!"
"Ah!" Ryou stumbled back on the floor as another pigeon shot at the window, pushing his head through.
"We have to go now!" Bakura lifted Ryou on his back as Malik scurried to gather up what they were working on as they bolted out the door.
"Bakura why are you carrying me? Oh does this mean your going to me nicer to me from now on?"
"Fuck no, you make a good shield." They all dashed to Malik's bike.
"...asshole..."
"What'd you say?"
"Nothing."
"Oh."
Ryou was plopped down on the seat, as a helmet was smacked on to his head.
"Hang on." Malik called to him as the bike started off.
The engine roared and Ryou quickly wrapped his arms around Malik's waist. "Wait, wait, where's Bakura?"
Just then he heard the most evil, eerie, and disturbing laughter next to him, and a loud explosion. Taking pity on the poor hikari, Messiah popped out again fairy sized with a spray bottle. *squirt squirt*
Some how magically, Ryou could see again and what he saw next to him, he only thought he could vaguely remember in a vicious nightmare.
Through his returning visions he saw one of those extensions that looked like an egg that you put on the side of a bike so you could fit another person type thing with two wheels. His yami was cladded in all-tight black leather save for his big black biker like jacket with lots of metal zipper. He stood ,some what, in the duck seat thing, turning behind them, laughing hysterically as he hoisted his foot up on the back of it for balance. In his hands was a large fully fueled flame-thrower, spraying at the sky behind them.
Walking down the street shooting people that I meet
With my rubber tommy water gun
"Fry you little flying dirt bags! FRY! MWAHAHHAHAH!"
Bakura was having a ball spraying the flame-thrower all over the place as flaming ball after flaming ball of feathers sizzled to the ground.
"Bakura is so scary."
"Phe, you know nothing. You should see him when he has me tied down and."
"Please don't finish that sentence."
"Suit yourself."
"Thanks."
They drove through the streets and Malik parked his bike at the Domino City mall. The trio headed out, ready to tackled the raunchy video..thing.
"Jeez, there's so many stores here..where should we start?" Malik questioned. His deep purple eyes scanning up and down the long rows of stores.
"Oh Frederick's of Hollywood!!" Ryou squealed.
"What the hell is that?"
"It's a really cool kinky clothes store. Makes Victoria secret's look like Old Navy!" (Seriously, I was there!)
"Damn that dog."
"Are you ok Bakura?"
"Yes.I'm just fine." Bakura nearly forgot to add the dog's name to his, people I must kill, list. Along with Martha Stuart, Michael Jackson, and the inventor of the toaster (those evil things!) just to name a few.
"Good, here we are!"
Malik and Bakura could not believe their eyes, how could they have over looked this place!?? It was a cornucopia of leather, lace, and eye patched sized outfits. They died and went to hentai heaven!
"Hmm now the problem is, what type of theme should we go for? What do you guys think." Ryou turned to find he was only talking to himself, finding his yami and his partner missing. "Malik? Bakura?"
A mysterious shopping cart appeared in the store with Malik and Bakura directly behind it, pushing it happily, filling it with various items.
Ryou simply sighed as he saw the pair pilfering the store.
"Oh I want this one, and that one, oh this would look good on you Malik, after I take it off of course."
"Maybe they have a black one for you."
"Hmm, maybe, let me ask." Bakura walked over to the counter and tapped on the shoulder of a very large white haired woman. "Hey you guys got this in black?"
"Hmm? Silly Bakura I don't work here." The infamous Pegasus turned around, smiling his continuous stupid smile.
Here come the deputy
He's gonna come and getter me
"Wahh!! What the hell are you doing here!"
"Well I could ask you the same question, but alas I'm just waiting for my little desert mystery to finish changing." ( God I couldn't think of anything else)
"You're.desert mystery????"
The always-hard worker God of on cue things used this moment to let one of the draw shades of the changing rooms' open and there was the ever- mysterious Shadi. Dress in something pink, puffy and way too revealing.
"So Peggy.what do you think." Shadi struck a very naughty model pose, speaking so seductively to Pegasus.
"AHHHH!!!!! IT BURNS IT BURNS!" Bakura scratched desperately at his eyes.
"Oh Shadi it's perfect!" Pegasus squealed in delight as he scampered over to the object of his affections.
Bakura fell back against the wall. "I can see it, even when I close my eyes!" He cried.
Then to make matters worse, they proceeded to make out like there was so tomorrow!
I got to get me get up and run They got the sirens loose
I ran right outtalk juice
Malik and Ryou grabbed an arm each, running out of the store, using some near by panties to cover their eyes. (Thank god for panties!)
Once they were at safe distance, say, 1, 000, 000, 000 miles away, they stopped to catch their breath.
"That was close!"
"Oh poor Bakura." Ryou patted his still suffering yami on the head.
"Well this is convenient."
"What is?" Ryou looked in front of them, seeing a store called costume bazaar. "Well it's better than nothing." The two agreed, dragging Bakura inside, panties still on their heads.
Along time after, when Bakura finally came to, a array of costumes was set up and ready for the two to try on. They both grab the mess of clothes and head into different changing rooms.
*Fast forward *
Bakura walks out dressed as Batman. "I feel like such a retard."
Then Malik walks out dressed as Catwoman. (the leather get up one) "I can't complain." He smiled cracking the whip.
Bakura took one look at the sexy leather neko version of Malik and starts to quiver. "Ack! Kryptonite!"
Ryou jumps up fwapping him with a paper fan. "Wrong comic!"
*Fast Forward *
Malik stood by Bakura's dressing room door, hearing the yami cry out.
"Ouch! Stop pulling so fucking hard."
"If you stayed still and stopped bitching I could get this done."
"What did you say?"
"ahhh..I said if you stayed still and stopped twitching, I could get this done." Ryou chuckled. ( I know he just wants to bust out lol)
"Oh."
After what seemed like forever, Ryou appeared with a brushed filled with white frazzled hair.
"It is done."
He sighed in relief. Bakura came after and shocked the fuck out of Malik. He hair was brushed out and pulled into a long ponytail and he had on Alucard's outfit from Castilvania: Symphony of the night.
"Wow.." Malik was somewhat speechless. "That really suits you."
".You think so?" He looked himself over in the mirror.
"Definitely!"
*Fast Forward *
Bakura came out in a French maid's outfit, as Malik popped out in a schoolgirl uniform. They both looked at each other and almost fucked right there.
"Cleaning and fucking..its perfect!"
"Sex, and naughty school girls woo hoo."
"Guys, guys!!" Ryou jumped between them. "Save it for the tape!"
After the final purchases where done, Malik started to look for his bike, while Ryou browsed through some CD's at a near by music store.
"Hey Bakura, maybe you should use this song in your video."
"Yuck I don't want any of that cheesy porno music or that lovey dovey crap."
"Just listen."
Ryou placed the headphones over his yami's ears
They're going to put me in a cell
If I can't go to heaven
Will they let me go to hell
"Fine, fine." Odd sounds came from the headphones as the music played.
you let me violate you,
you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you,
you let me complicate you
"Hmm." Bakura let the lyrics slip over him and Malik, finally getting back his bike, walked over to them.
"Hey what are you doing?" Bakura's arm shot out and grabbing Malik, pulling him against his chest, as a wide grin played on his face.
help me I broke apart my insides,
help me i've got no soul to sell
help me the only thing that works for me,
help me get away from myself
I want to fuck you like an animal
"What is he doing Ryou?"
"Watch." The so-called "innocent" one snickered.
"What are you.." Before he could finish, he felt Bakura's roaming hands slide along his body as he softly purred the lyrics into his ear.
"I want to fuck you like an animal, I want to feel you from the inside, I want to fuck you like an animal, my whole existence is flawed, you get me closer to god."
Malik froze with the heat of Bakura's touch, he felt the pinching as his hardening nipple and the swift tugs at his slowly tightening pants.
Ryou could help but to turn around the laugh evilly to himself as he saw Bakura mercilessly grope Malik, although he really did think he minded. Even with every one staring at them, wait, they were staring at him, he STILL had the panties on his head.
"You can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings. You can have my absence of faith, you can have my everything. Help me tear down my reason, help me its' your sex I can smell, help me you make me perfect, help me become somebody else. I want to fuck you like an animal, I want to feel you from the inside, I want to fuck you like an animal, my whole existence is flawed, you get me closer to god."
Ryou yanked the offending underwear off his head and grabbed the almost half-naked moaning pair, and dragged them outside.
It was the moment of truth now, they were at Malik's house and Ryou left a while ago. It just seemed weird. There were scented candles, dark black silk draping to keep out the light from the window's, and Bakura laid on the bed as Malik finished with the camera.
"Ok its all set, the red flashy light means it's on.''
"This is stupid."
"What is?"
"This. Acting out for someone else, I don't want it to be one of the those horrendous porno's you watch!"
He felt the shift in the bed as Malik slowly crawled over him, grinning down. "Who said anything about acting?
The yami smiled, ready for the most entertaining sex of his some how eternally lasting life.
Several hours and positions later, a rumpled, dazed, and practically naked Bakura open the door to Malik's house handing an unusually sticky tape to the postman.
"Thank you!" The postman with the ID tag that read "Messiah" on it chirped, dashing away to Enkidu's house. Wiping down the still hot tape, leaving it in her mailbox writing a small note on behalf of the trio whom worked so hard.
"Dear Enkidu, We wanted to wish you a happy birthday, yadda yadda yadda. Enclosed is a steamy porn of Malik and Bakura for you're viewing pleasure. Thanks for hooking us up!
Love, Ryou, Bakura, Malik"
A while later, Enkidu squealed with happiness (hopefully) and ran inside setting herself up for her birthday present. The tape played and she could hear voices.
"Ok its all set, the red flashy light means it's on.''
"This is stupid."
"What is?"
"This. Acting out for someone else, I don't want it to be one of the those horrendous porno's you watch!"
A soft bed creak.
"Who said anything about acting."
Enkidu knew it was Malik and Bakura talking but there was no picture. She simply shrugged it off and knelt in front of her TV adjusting the picture. But nothing happened, still darkness. She heard wet smacks and soft moans and frantically turned the knobs, but nothing.
'NOOOOOO!!"
They had left the lens cap on.
Crazy...
Stone cold crazy, you know
~Owari~
Waii don't kill me, in her fics she cuts out the steamy sex so I thought it only fitting. I hope you like it and happy birthday Enkidu!