Chapter 3

A little fun at Busch Gardens… Carpet style

Carpet's intro:

            Ahem…I just wanted to let Virgo's readers be aware that I have taken over this chapter. It'll be a brief interlude into the sophisticated world of intellectual humor. No more cheap sexual jokes pointed at girls with wet t-shirts, or girls with tight t-shirts, or girls with no t-shirts at all. Instead, I will dedicate this entire chapter to the high minded audience that has long awaited my arrival.

            But to show my equanimity, I shall allow my darling brain devoid sister a chance to regain her fanfic. *Waits patiently for five whole seconds. Colette tries desperately to escape her cage. No such luck.*

Inuyasha: Wench…that was cheating!

Carpet: Somersault!

Inuyasha: *somersaults* What the fuck?

Sesshomaru: *tries once again to grin, fails again, begins to cry again*

Carpet: Tamahome! Front and center!

Tamahome: *lets go of Miaka briefly* Yes my royal benevolent ruler… Hey you can't make me talk like that!

Carpet: *points at crying Sesshy* I can do whatever the hell I want. *Grins, everyone cringes, except Miaka who's about to fall into a giant never ending hole that leads into hell.*

Miaka: Pretty hole! Oops... *falls into pit to hell. No one notices.*

Tamahome: Miaka! I'll save you- *notices hole goes to hell* Fuck no, I'm stupid but not that stupid. I'll get me another woman. *sees crying Sesshy* Hey you, be my woman!

Sesshomaru: *stops crying* This Sesshomaru will breathe on you. *lets out poison breath*

 Author's Note: This fanfic is now in the void of Carpet's mind. Wherever they are and whatever happens is entirely made up. No holes to hell were hurt or disturbed in the making of this fanfic. However, for those many Miaka lovers, I do plan on killing her in every way possible. If creativity calls, I shall answer. If the world of all great writers comes knocking, I shall open. If-

Inuyasha: Flip!

Carpet: *flips* Hey! That's so not allowed. Colette's in the cage; I'm the only writer here!

Inuyasha: But I'm a bishy…I get privileges. Here's my contract. *holds out crummy piece of paper. Carpet eats it. Inuyasha curses, and then falls in love.*

Inuyasha: You ate my paper.

Nakago: How amusing. Miaka is in hell. Tamahome's trying to get Sesshomaru to be his woman. But Sesshy is a man. Tama must have realized that he is in fact a homo. How amusing. I shall lick his face now. *grabs Tamahome. Licks his face. Everyone cringes, except Chichiri.*

Chichiri: I tried that once, you know. It didn't go over very well. *tears off mask* My eye was accidentally cut by Hiko's tongue ring, you know.

Miaka: *pops out of hole to hell* Hey Chichiri, was that before or after you killed him?

Tamahome: *pushes Miaka back to hell. Looks at Nakago, looks at hole to hell, shrugs. Dives in after Miaka.*

Nuriko: That was fun. Kelsey that trick of yours with your tongue. It gave me goosebumps. *giggles*

Kelsey: What can I say? When you've done it as often as I have, you get experienced.

Nuriko: But how you made those twists and turns…its amazing. Hey why don't you show everyone here?

Sesshy: My virgin eyes!

Tasuki: Hell yeah baby.

Harry: Die Voldemorte! *notices Voldemorte is no longer there* Fuck, was I stolen again?

Hermione: Harry!

Harry: *pushes Hermione into hole to hell, shrugs* She got annoying.

Kelsey: See? *sticks out tongue*

Sesshy: *hides behind Inuyasha*

Inuyasha: *scratches ear* Hey isn't my old dead girlfriend from hell?

Carpet: Cherry stems! I tried making a bow with them once, but all I managed was a knot.

Nuriko: *nods* She tried teaching me all afternoon, but I've no talent.

Everyone else: *sweatdrops*

A/N: If you've noticed a shortage on time given to other characters that would be because I don't much care for them. In fact, I think I'll kill the all off. Except Oliver Wood cause he has an accent and wears kilts and crap.

Carpet: *Grabs Tetsaiga again*

Inuyasha: You ate my paper and stole my sword. I love you.

Carpet: *cuts off Lydia's leg* Oops…I kind of meant to kill everyone else with that.

Colette: *escapes cage, grabs Lydia's leg, and makes a jump for the hole to hell*

Carpet: Fuck! How am I supposed to explain this to Tasuki?

Tasuki: Wha?

Chichiri: *tears off mask, tears off another mask, blushes* I'm secretly a woman. *replaces masks*

Carpet: I kind of cut off Lyida's leg and Colette escaped and took it to hell with her.

Tasuki: Oh, ok. Where's that bonfire you promised me?

Lydia: My leg!

Chichiri: It went to hell, you know.

Lydia: I can't believe you're a woman!

Chichiri: Its ok, cause I'm also bi.

Lydia: *pulls out little bag with another leg. Puts it on.* Ok, I'm good with that. Whaddaya say about those bushes over there?

Chichiri: Ok.

Carpet: *sweatdrops* Well, that went well. *Makes a bonfire*

Tasuki: Pretty fire!

Harry: *Sits down next to Kelsey* Hey can you teach me how to do the cherry thing?

Kelsey: *smiles and yanks out whip and leather belts* Only if I can tie you up.

Harry: Ok.

Tasuki: Ooooh, its red!

Sesshomaru: Carpet, Plato also once said that love is but a fleeting emotion, but in its brevity lasts the making of all eternity.

Carpet: Plato was full of crap.

Inuyasha: You ate my paper, stole Tetsaiga, and said Plato was full of crap. I love you. *pauses a moment, ponders on spoken words* Bitch.

Hotohori: Sesshomaru, can I have your tail? I think it would compliment my eyes.

Nakago: I hate tails. Life force! *Tries to burn up Sesshy's tail. Up jumps Fluffy fanatic*

Fluffy fanatic: I shall save you, my fluffy! *stand in front of life force blast. Incinerates.*

Sesshomaru: Disgusting human.

Nakago: How amusing.

Hotohori: Nakago, can I have your ear rings? I think they would compliment my ear lobes. I do love sexy ear lobes. New verse!

Nuriko: *grabs mic from Hotohori* I'm too sexy for my ear lobes! Too sexy for my ear lobes! Too sexy yeah! Baby! *sits down with blank expression*

Tasuki: Hey Nuriko, I thought you were dead.

Nakago: Life force!

Tasuki: *waits for Tasuki fanatic to save him. Crickets. Gets blasted.* What was that for?

Nakago: I don't know. Carpet's read all these fanfics where we're a couple, so she made me.

Tasuki: What a dominatrix.

Inuyasha: My paper, my sword, Plato, and a dominatrix. Fuck my dead clay girlfriend from hell, I'm going for you Carpet!

Carpet: Split!

Inuyasha: Fuck! My balls!

Carpet: *grins, everyone cringes again.*

Miskake: Shalom group.

Carpet: What the fuck. I thought you were left back at the fictitious house?

Miskake: I was, but I have seen the light and realized my transgressions. That is why I am here on behalf of the church of the lighted individuals. I have foregone my sexuality and manliness in favor of the everlasting continuum.

Nuriko: Can I kill him?

Hotohori: No! He dared insinuate that my sexiness wasn't light enough. I will kill him!

Key: *picks herself up from bloodied blob* Key will kill.

Carpet: Sic him Key.

Miskake: *sweatdrops, pees in pants, shats himself in pants, starts to smell really bad* But the everlasting continuum!

Key: *eats Miskake*

Everyone: That was so gross. *pushes Key into hole to hell*

Out jumps the devil.

Devil: Ok, that's it. Not only have you put Miaka down here, but also Tamahome. And now you expect me to deal with a human eating robot? What the fuck!

Carpet: Listen Satan, I'm the writer here. What I say goes. So if I want you to have to deal with Miaka for all eternity, you will.

Devil: But what did I do to deserve that? Its not fair!

Carpet: Tough titties.

Devil: Yummy.

Fluffy fanatic 2: Die! *tries to kill Satan. Fails. Tries again. Fails. Tries again. Fails.* Hey what am I doing this for?

Carpet: Cause I said so.

Kikyo: Hey all. Word up!

Everyone: What the fuck!

Devil: This is called payback.

Everyone: What the fuck!

Devil: This is called payback.

Everyone: What the fuck!

Devil: This is called payback.

Kikyo: Yo, dawg. I said Word up.

Carpet: Ok, ok, ok. I get it. Fine, we'll take back Key, if you'll take back the hood wannabe Kikyo.

Kikyo: Dawg, let's burn together. Word.

Inuyasha: *pales, turns into a full youkai, growls* Growl.

Miaka: I love you guys! *Accidentally trips Kikyo*

Kikyo: *falls and breaks into a million pieces*

Miaka: Oopsie.

Inuayasha: *Eats Miaka*

Everyone: Ew.

Sesshomaru: As I was saying earlier, Carpet. Plato believes that in the end the basic conduit between two souls is that brief thing called love. Naturally that's my own interpretation, but in his Theory of Forms..

Carpet: Key! Eat fluffy.

Key: *Tries to eat Fluffy. Out jumps Fluffy fanatic 2*

Fluffy fanatic 2: *gets eaten.*

Naraku: Ko ko ko ko…you broke Kikyo! I shall smite you! *tries to smite Miaka, but Miaka smiles and everyone almost dies. Therapy session time.*

Psychologist: Tell me, Inuyasha, when did you first start dreaming about your brother dressed up as a pig?

Carpet: On second thought, let's save that idea for another time.

Harry: That was fun, Kelsey.

Kelsey: *puts away whip.* Yeah.

Tasuki: Oooh, look at how the fire burns my hand! Pretty!

Harry: Die Voldemorte!

Nakago: Life force!

Everyone: *doubletake*

Harry: You're voldemorte!

Nakago: How amusing. You've discovered my secret. Watase's manga wasn't enough. I need to take over the world. Don't misunderstand me. Growing up as a pretty boy wasn't easy. The other boys laughed at me and called me a girlie man. My own mother tried to braid my hair. When one is laughed at all his life, its only natural to want to kill everyone.

Harry: *wipes away tear* I forgive you. Will you be my father?

Nakago: Life force!

Carpet: Ahem…no more killing until I say so.

Cricket. A clock ticking. Dinner time. Inuyasha tries eating Nuriko. Nuriko throws him into the hell hole. Satan throws him out. Chichiri cuts off Lydia's other leg for fun. Lydia tries stabing herself. Misses. Everyone laughs.

Carpet: Ok, you can kill now.

Inuyasha: I love you.

Carpet: Go screw a squirrel.

Chichiri: That's gross, you know.

Tasuki: How'd do you like my new hair style?

Carpet: *sweat drops* Colette's gonna kill me.

Tasuki: *pats bald head* I kinda burnt off all my hair.

Colette: I'm gonna kill you. *Brandishes Lydia's leg. Tries to attack Carpet. Sesshomaru saves her.*

Carpet: *tinny music in background* You saved me!

Sesshomaru: I wasn't finished about Plato.

Carpet: Sic him Key!

Key: *pulls out semi automatic. Shoots Fluffy.*

Everyone: *laughs*

Colette: Fuck. Carpet, you can't kill everyone off.

Carpet: Yes I can. *Makes a giant black hole. *

Everyone: *gets sucked up*

Carpet: Ha! Told you.

Colette: Freak. You got sucked up to.

Carpet. Oops.

Next episode: Will Carpet ever escape the presence of her companions? Will Fluffy finally explain his insane need for Plato? Will Tamahome finally save Miaka? Will Miaka finally die? Will Inuyasha die from eating Miaka? Will we care? All this and more will be answered on the next episode of…….CARPET'S CAPERS! (not the salad kind)

Miskake: The everlasting continuum! I have found you at last! *picks up tiny shiny ball. Notices button that says do not push.* Pretty button. *pushes it. Everything blows up. Armageddon occurs. All is lost.*

The End.