Title: Warning
Author: Libertyne
Summary: Sort of Jackie/Hyde. Beginning of Summer. Jackie's POV
Author Note: Okay, I haven't even come close to perfecting their characteristics down, okay? Yes, I know Hyde is a "badass". And yes I know that Jackie can be a brat but this story would NOT leave my head, alright? I had fun writing it. It didn't even take me long. Oh, and is making the story come out looking funky. Hmm.
A/N2: Please be gentle. 'Cause I totally :heart: Jackie/Hyde!
By the beginning of Summer, life was sucking something fierce. I hadn't heard from Michael since I'd run out of The Hub; after I'd suggested we get married. I mean, it was the most logical thing I could think of. I loved Michael. When he'd chosen me after I offered to let him kiss any girl he wanted to, I realized that this was it. This was as good as it gets. Michael and I were back together and this time it was permanent.
It had to be.
"Hello?" I threw aside my Nancy Drew book to answer the phone.
"Jackie?"
"Hello?" I asked again, wondering who was calling me at this time at night besides Michael.
"Jackie, it's Eric."
"Hey, Eric." I said, frowning a little.
"Look, uh, have you talked to Donna?" Eric asked hesitantly.
"What? I mean, no. No, I haven't even seen her since last night. Why?"
"It's just that..." Eric trailed off after a moment. I noticed he liked to do that. It was like a habit or something. "she never came home yesterday and I wanted to talk to her." He finished.
"Nope. Haven't seen her." I shrugged as if he could see me. I couldn't help but wonder where he'd gotten my number from. It wasn't usual that Eric Foreman would call me randomly or anything. In fact, I never really talked to Eric one on one and I really wasn't interested in starting now.
"Okay," He said, his voice grew a little weary. "uh, thanks."
I hung up without saying a goodbye. As petty as it sounded, I felt bad for Eric. The poor boy was whipped and he didn't know what to do about it. I couldn't help but wish that he and Donna would just get back together already so the rest of us could be left alone.
It wasn't my problem to deal with though, so whatever.
"God," I sighed. "I wonder if Michael knows anything about what's going on with Donna."
Not that Michael knew anything before me. I mean, I was the one everyone talked to around here. But that's only 'cause I can usually solve their problems in 5 sentences or less. I'm working on getting it down to 3 sentences by December.
"Hi Mr. Kelso!" I chirped. "Is Michael there?"
I listened quietly as Michael's father told me that Michael packed a few things and mumbled something about going out of town for awhile.
"Are you sure it wasn't Kasey?" I asked slowly.
Michael was one out of six kids, so who knows? Parents do mistake some kids for others.
But Mr. Kelso squashed that theory down quickly, simply saying that he was definite it was Michael because his van was gone. I whispered a 'thanks' and 'goodbye' to Michael's father and hung up the phone. I sat on my bed and chewed my lip thoughtfully.
Suddenly a feeling a disappoint surged through me. It wasn't a stranger, either. No, it was all too familiar. My stomach dropped as thoughts flowed freely through my head.
Michael. Gone.
He went out of town.
He. left. me.
Again.
I woke up to the sound of ringing. It was summer so I knew it wasn't my alarm clock. Clumsily, I reached over and picked up my pink telephone.
"Hello?" I asked, my voice hoarse.
"Jackie??" A throaty voice answered.
"Uh huh." I yawned.
"Hey, it's Donna. Were you sleeping??"
"Yeah. It's something people do, you know." I replied dryly.
"Sorry for waking you." Donna said quietly. I could hear a clanking noise in the backround.
"Where are you?" I asked suddenly.
"California." Donna replied. Her voice was hesitant.
"Cali-wha?" I shot up from my bed. "What are you doing in California??"
"I wanted to see my mom." Donna said slowly. "so I came here. I wanted to get away from Wisconsin for awhile." She added as an afterthought.
"How did you get to California, Donna?" My voice no longer dry but somewhat shrill. "I mean, I would've never figured you would get on a dirty bus and ride all the way to California..."
"Jackie," Donne said sternly. "I didn't go by bus."
"Well then...?"
"Kelso." She said, her tone simple. Matter of fact.
"What does Michael have --" I cut myself off, the pieces suddenly fitting together like a jigsaw puzzle.
"You're with Michael?" I asked slowly. "Michael's there with you?"
"Well, not right now, no. He's over at the beach. But technically, yes, Kelso's in California, too."
"Why would Michael go to California?" I asked. "What would possess him to even leave?"
Donna didn't have to respond. I answered my own question.
"He left because of me?" I asked disbelievingly. Suddenly, I was aware that last night wasn't a dream. That Michael had run out on me. He'd left me.
"I'm sorry." Donna's voice entered the picture again. "Look, um, I'm going to leave that between you and Kelso but... my dad's worrying. I know that much. So do you think you could tell him? Tell him that I'm okay. And that I'll probably be back in a few months. Before school begins, I mean."
"Yeah." I swallowed down the acid taste that was forming in my mouth.
"I have to go." Donna said suddenly. "I'll call you later, okay? Maybe we can talk about...you know... you and Kelso. I'll have him call you tonight when he gets back from the beach. Or you can call him."
"Jackie?" She asked after a moment. "you still there?"
"Yeah." I cleared my throat. "Okay. Whatever."
Donna gave me her phone number and I jotted it down quickly.
I hung up and ran my fingers through my hair. Suddenly contemplating on what I was going to do. My whole future was based around this one guy who didn't want a part of it. I felt sick. I felt as though my whole world suddenly crumbled. I felt alone.
He didn't call me that night.
When I walked into Eric's basement, no one was there. Well, no one besides Hyde.
He didn't even look up when I walked in. He was just so focused on the stupid TV. I plopped down on the couch next to him and folded my arms across my chest.
"Little House on the Prairie." I nodded disbelievingly. "Nice."
I could see Hyde roll his eyes from behind his dark sunglasses. "What'dya want, Jackie?"
"Nothing." I shrugged. "Just wanted to see if you need any company."
"Nope." He answered shortly.
"Well..." I began again.
"Nope." He said again.
"What about..."
"Nope."
"Look..."
"Nope."
"Ugh!" I growled. "Fine. Whatever." I hugged my arms tighter against my chest and watched the TV intently, as if it was the only thing in the room.
"Jackie." Hyde said slowly. "What the hell are you doing here? I mean, really. Shouldn't you be shopping for Kelso's school clothes or something?"
I swallowed down that ugly taste that rose when Michael's name was mentioned. "No." I said sharply. "Besides, school doesn't start for another 3 months."
"Uh huh." Hyde said slowly. "Another argument between you and Kelso, huh?" A grin broke out on his face. "Damn, that has to break the record."
"I don't want to talk about it." I said quietly. Seriously.
I guess Hyde got the hint 'cause he didn't say anything. He just sat there, focused on the TV. I could tell he was thinking though. About what? I don't know.
"Look..." He started but suddenly I couldn't help it.
"Michael went to California, okay? We got back together and I told him that we should make it forever. We should shove all the crap aside and just be together forever. I told him that we should get married. And I don't know. He left and then Donna called me and told me she was with him in California. California!" I tried to laugh. I really did, but it was harder to pretend now. A lot of the time, when Michael and I had problems, I'd push them out of focus. I'd switch on my charm and focus on being pretty. I smiled my Miss. America smile and everything would be okay. Reality had began to sink in. I realized that all those times when things went bad and Donna or someone would ask, 'What's wrong?' and I would say, 'Nothing. I'm fine.' and I would smile that smile and just walk away. No one ever snapped me out of that trance. No one forced me to cry. No one forced me to let it out. No one ever said, 'No you're not.'
I sunk lower into the upholstery, hoping the couch would suck me in. "Hyde, Michael doesn't want to be with me." And my voice broke just then. I choked back a strangled sob and laughed a little. There I was with Steven Hyde. Steven Hyde! The man who perfected the art of Zen. The little orphan boy who didn't give a shit about other people and their problems. The one who didn't even give a shit about his own problems. I expected him to laugh at me and call me an idiot. I expected him to say, 'Hey, man, I told you so.'
"I'm...I'm sorry." He stuttered.
"What?" I asked, clumsily wiping away the stray tears under my eyes.
"I'm sorry." He said again, his voice more sure. More sincere.
"Don't worry about it." I sniffed and flipped back my hair. "I'm cool. I'm okay."
"No you're not."
Those words hit me. I felt as though a ton of bricks landed on the top of my head. But then, it felt as though it were easier to breathe. I looked at Hyde and he looked at me. His face blank and honest all at once.
"What did you say?" I asked slowly.
He sat up a little straighter and turned towards me. "I said you're not. You, Jackie Burkhardt, are not okay."
'Great,' I thought bitterly.'Maybe I should have a warning label. Something like,:WARNING:I'm weak and fragile.'
I couldn't say anything after that. Not really, anyway. What could I say? 'Thank you, Hyde, for point that out'? But I was a little bit thankful for that. I think I needed that. It was weird; for once in my life, I didn't bother someone else with my problems because I couldn't face them myself. I nodded slightly and turned back to the TV. The Price is Right was on and it kept my mind off of things. Plus it was fun insulting the people on there. I like to think Hyde enjoyed it too.
Somewhere in the middle of the show... probably when this itty bitty old lady was bidding a dollar on an ugly couch, I decided on what to do. I'd write Michael a letter and send it to California.
Well, I realized that writing, "Dear Michael, you suck." just wouldn't cut it. I found myself sitting at my desk in my room and scribbling on my stationary. I wished I had different stationary. All mine were purple and had hearts on them. It wasn't really suitable to write a letter to a boyfriend who just left you, now is it? Whatever, though. I needed to get through this. I needed to sit down and rash out all my thoughts and it so happened that the purple pieces of paper helped me a lot.
I really didn't know what to say so I sat there, my teeth tugging on my lower lip as I twirled the pen between my fingers.
"Dear Michael," I started, purposely avoiding the obvious 'you suck' route.
"I can't believe you. I can't believe that you'd choose to run away before talking to me. Michael, if you didn't want to be together forever, well then, you should of just told ...just when I think things between us may be getting better. A little more simple... you have to turn around and do this. Break my heart in another place. Sooner or later it will be completely broken... when are you going to decide that it's time to start piecing it back together? Well I can't take it anymore. My heart can't take it anymore, Michael. So I'm ending it. This is it." I scribbled my name at the bottom of the paper and folded it perfectly, placing it inside the matching envelope.
Tomorrow I would send it.
I glanced at the phone, silently urging it to ring. I could hear Michael's voice on the other end, telling me he was sorry and how he loved me so much and that he was miserable without me.
It was a lie, I know.
A fabrication.
But it was just enough to hold me over for one night.
When I woke up, I got dressed and went downstairs. The letter was clutched in the palm of my hand. After a moment of debate, I walked into my kitchen and found myself drawn towards the phone. Without thinking, I dialed Donna's in California. It was kinda sad. I memorized that number almost as soon as she'd given it to me.
Donna picked up and I smiled a little. It was nice to hear her voice.
"How is everything?" Donna asked.
"Good." I said, hoping she wouldn't hear the waver in my voice. "You doing okay?"
"Yeah," She said quietly. "I guess."
If I had to envy one thing about Donna, it would have to be her honesty. You could always tell when she was upset, or sad or happy. If her voice didn't give it away then her body language did. I could imagine her slouching at that exact moment, her head leaning against the wall.
"Is Michael there?" I asked coolly.
"No." Donna replied. "He's out at the beach again."
"I guess he really likes it there, huh?"
"No." Donna said suddenly. "Jackie, I really don't think he does."
"Then why is it every time I call, he's not there? He's always at the beach."
"Well he's never been out of Wisconsin." Donna reasoned. "Plus, we're in California so there's really not much to do but go to the beach."
"You're right." I said, defeated. "Look, I'm gonna go. I'll call him tonight. Can you let him know?" I asked.
"Yeah. Totally." Donna said.
We hung up and I put on my jacket and headed to Eric's.
I didn't mail out the letter.
I forgot to.
"What's on now?" I asked as soon as I walked into the basement.
Hyde just looked at me and raised his eyebrows.
"Price is Right." I nodded expectantly. I don't know how, or when, but it became a little ritual.
Everyday I would go over to Eric's house and sit with Hyde in the basement. Sometimes we would watch a crappy soap opera ('I can act better than that!' I'd say and Hyde would just grunt a response or say, 'Yeah, right.'), most of the time we ended it with Price is Right. I would go home, sit on my bed, debate about calling Michael and then actually call Michael. And each time I did, he wasn't home. I never touched the letter. I guess deep down I knew that if I sent it, it was final. That everything was over and that I would have to accept it. I don't think I was honestly ready for that truth just then. I knew I would have to oneday but I wasn't wanting to.
"What'dya doing here, Jackie?" Hyde asked.
See? Toldya, it was like a little ritual. Every time I walked in, I'd say something first and then he'd ask what I'm doing there and I would sit down next to him and watch TV.
I sat down next to him and smiled. As the Summer days passed, Hyde sort of changed a little more. He hadn't shaved. His posture wasn't as slouched and he wasn't so snappy. Sometimes he'd say something sarcastic and I would snap right back at him and he'd smile a little and go back to watching TV.
" God!" I groaned, my leg swinging back and forth over my knee. "Another old lady! She can't even reach the wheel!" I said loudly, slowly, as though Bob Barker could actually hear me.
"I can't watch The Price is Right anymore," Hyde moaned. "I just can't."
I sighed. "This summer totally sucks. There's nothing to do."
My teeth tugged on my lip and I glanced over at Hyde.
No.
No way.
It's Hyde!
It's Hyde.
Hyde met my stare and I didn't look away. I pulled myself up and leaned over, kissing Hyde fully on the mouth. It was quick. It was simple. It was nice.
We both pulled away, and I sat back, trying to push down all the guilty feelings that were surfacing. I exhaled a breath that I didn't even know I was holding and looked out the corner of my eye.
'Screw it.'I thought and I leaned over again. This time, we were both ready and I think, we kinda knew what we were in for.
Kissing Hyde was a lot different than kissing Michael. For one, Hyde had just grown a beard, so it was kinda scratchy. Michael had a 'pretty' mouth. But when he kissed, there was more urgency then gentleness.
I think it would surprise a lot of people if I said that despite the reputation and the new grown beard, Steven Hyde had soft lips. I mean, I'd known that before when I kissed him awhile before but I honestly think I forgot.
It kept happening. I would try to call Michael and he wouldn't be there.
There was always a new excuse.
I would hang up the phone, pick up my purse and head over to Eric's house. Steven would be there and we'd sit there. Sometimes for half an hour, other times for 5 minutes and it would always end the same way.
We'd end up kissing. I liked kissing him, though. It was always different each time. Sometimes he would gently graze my lips with his own or he'd run his fingers down the side of my face.
I don't think he realized what he was doing, though.
Sometimes I'd scold myself silently for thinking about Michael when I was kissing Steven. Comparing their tastes. Michael always tasted like candy. Steven tasted like coffee.
I began to push down all the guilt that would begin to form and tell myself that it was okay. That it was natural. That it was okay to accept the fact that I liked being needed. Even if it wasn't necessarily true... it was a nice little lie.
I tried calling Michael after I left.
He, of course, wasn't there.
The day it happened was the day I think it hurt most. The day when I didn't think of Michael at all. I don't know what happened or how but sometime in the middle of Steven and I kissing, I started crying. Maybe because I realized that it was over. Or maybe because I realized that there was much more out there for me then this thing I called love. Whatever it was, it awakened me. I could feel tears streaming freely down my face and I opened my eyes and saw Steven, still crouched over me, staring at me -- an odd look on his face.
"Jackie?" He asked.
I pulled myself up and wiped the tears from my cheeks. "I'm... I'm sorry."
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"I don't know." I replied weakly.
"Shit," He muttered. "I'm sorry."
I looked at him just then, new tears forming in my eyes. "A-about what?"
"I'm taking advantage of you." He said, sounding disgusted. "Man, I didn't realize -- I'm sorry."
"No." I said, my voice wavered. "No.."
"Look, we shouldn't be doing this. This is crazy and..."
"No," I said, my voice getting harder. "Steven, you're not taking advantage of me..."
"I'm not him, you know." He said suddenly.
"What?"
"I'm not him." He said again, more slowly. "Kelso. Michael."
"I-I know."
"Then why are we doing this?" He asked quietly, almost as if more to himself. "Jackie, I know you and I'm not the right guy for you. I can't be the guy he was..."
"I know that. And that's exactly why --" I cut myself off. "Steven, look, I know you're not my 'soul mate' and.. and you may not be 'the one', and I'll probably hate your guts 10 years down the line, but I'm not asking for forever. I realized that all I want is to be with you right now because I know that this is what makes me happy."
I looked at him, silently urging him to say something to me. Anything. But he didn't. I looked down at my hands, which were folded in my lap, and wondered if this was yet another thing I had ruined. Maybe I should attach more to my "warning label."
'WARNING:I'm weak and fragile. I'm prone to cry over nothing. I'm picking up the pieces of a broken heart, deal with it. I'm scared. I hurt. I have baggage…lots of it…I'm afraid of love… '
And then Steven's fingers swept across my face, flicking away the tears I'd cried just moments before.
And he kissed me. Softer then before. His hand touched my cheek just a little gentler.
It was there that we had an understanding. This wasn't something to be taken seriously. Not really, anyway. It was just something new. A way for us to express emotions that we shelved deep inside.
No demands, No expectations, No regrets
.
That night, I left and I didn't call Michael.
I forgot to.
Summer was almost ending and Winter was creeping its way up and I was sitting in the basement with Hyde. Fez, too.
"Aye." Fez cried. "I can't believe how much money I've blown on candy. It's really addicting."
I stifled a laugh at Fez's crazy antics and focused on the TV just a little more.
"Jackie, when did you start hanging out in the basement?" Fez asked after a moment.
I shrugged, "Nothing better to do, I guess."
"When are Donna and Kelso going to get back?" Fez whined. "I hope it's soon; it's different without them here."
I could feel Steven's gaze on me and I shrugged it off. I was fully aware that Michael would be back soon. I knew that no amount of practice would fully prepare me for it but I knew I'd prepared enough.
"With Eric out there with them, who knows?" I said evenly.
We stayed quiet for awhile. Some Bruce Lee movie had come on and the guys were really getting into it. In a few days the basement wouldn't be quite so empty anymore.
Michael would be back.
At the thought of Michael, I looked at Steven. I knew that I was beginning to care for him in a way that a torn girl could. I didn't cringe or feel guilt.
It was true, you know. The whole, 'no regrets' thing.
Of course, it hurts to think of not being loved. Or maybe, you are loved and the person that loves you is doing it the only way they know how. Whatever. It's all psychological babble anyway. I realize now that to regret anything I had with Michael would be absurd.
To regret anything I might have with Steven is even more absurd.
You can't control who you fall for. You can't stop the feelings that you have, they're just going to come and go and who knows where it all kind of ends up. Sometimes it's for the best, and sometimes its not. But either way you can't control it. None of it. Sometimes you can control you mind, but not your heart... never.
"Well," Fez said, jumping up. "I'm out of here. I got to find a new spot to hide my candy. See you guys later."
He left and Steven and I didn't move from our spots.
"You doing okay?" He asked.
"Yep."
"Jackie?"
"Yeah?"
"I can see that you're okay now."
Steven would always be Steven but there were times when I would witness a softer side to him. Not always, but sometimes. This was one of them. He's not the type who would come out and say 'I love you' but I'll bet he's the type who will the best way he knows how.
I smiled a little, remembering that stupid warning label I'd wanted to stick to myself for so long. I thought it would end on heartbreak; it didn't.
Michael would be coming home soon.
Eric and Donna, too.
I was looking forward to that. Looking forward to healing.
WARNING:I'm weak and fragile. I'm prone to cry over nothing. I'm picking up the pieces of a broken heart, deal with it. I'm scared. I hurt. I have baggage -- lots of it. I'm afraid of love …but I'm healing.
[FINISH]