TITLE: Shiny Happy People
AUTHOR: Shawn Carter
EMAIL: gfshawn@earthlink.net
RATING: PG
MUSIC: REM
SUMMARY: An introspective piece on Faith in the big house.
********
They couldn't keep me here if they tried. They could lock me down in the darkest room they have and it wouldn't hold me if I didn't want to stay. Okay, maybe want is the wrong word. No one wants to stay here. Choose. I choose to stay here in prison serving out a sentence that no other Slayer ever has.
We're above the law. Sometimes we create the law. And sometimes it catches up with you and wrecks you right good.
There, I think that about sums up my life. I had power. I lost power. I'm here.
And I'm better for it.
That's not something you hear very often around here. Everyone here was set- up and is innocent as hell. So what if they were found over the body of their ex-boyfriend who was stepping out with three other tramps. They were still set-up don't you know.
Not me. There's a very cold peace in knowing and accepting what I did. I can move on now. I'll never forget; it's not something you can. But I can stop living in those constant nightmares.
This isn't to say that I don't dream. I do and they're not pretty. I can still see their faces. Angel told me I always will and I guess he would know. The man is the king of pain and torment, living in his own personal hell and forcing himself to try to make do every single day, even if that means compromising and accepting cheap alternatives.
I haven't seen him in so long. I miss the big dope.
It's my fault really; I made him stay away.
As long as he was coming to see me once a week, I had something to look forward to. I had something to make me not go into that dark place. But I needed to be there if I was ever going to find my way out of it. Angel was like an electric blanket on a cold night. That had to stop. I didn't put myself behind these walls to be coddled.
Talk about hard conversations. The guy was already hating life. Maybe my timing was bad. In fact, I kind of know it was. It told him that he had to stop coming two weeks after we found out that Buffy had died. He was crushed but so was I. I guess I figured that it was high time I started making something of myself. Lord knows I'd let her down enough.
After I told him, he just stood up and left the room. I think he was shaking a little. He said he needed to go somewhere and think. The guy was really burning up with pain over losing Buffy. So was I.
It's been over a year and a half now. I haven't heard from him at all in all that time. I guess when I had asked him to stay away, I hadn't exactly meant completely. Letters probably wouldn't have hurt. In fact the only communication I got from anyone was a note from Wes explaining that the Scoobies had decided to bring back Buff.
I feel terrible for her. They can't possibly understand what they did to her; what peace means to a Slayer. I'm not saying I look forward to death because I don't. There is a strong part of me that feels that no matter the fact that I now accept my punishment, I'm still in line for a one-way ticket to the hot place.
Just the same, you can only fight so long and continue to care about the reasons why. Buffy has always had her sense of justice but how long can that carry you when all you can remember is that there was once peace. No pain. Nothing.
I wonder how she came back? I bet she put things together like she always does. It's safe to say that my admiration of her has grown in here. She's suffered as well, I just didn't want to see it. Couldn't see it. Now I don't want to go all crawling up her ass and all but you have no idea how easy it to let go. How easy it is become the law and enjoy the power of it.
She's always seemed just a lit bit aroused by it and whole lot turned off by it. That amazes me. Even now I find myself drawn to the fact that if I wanted to, I could get out of this cell. Right now.
So much has changed. My life is so different than it was three years ago. Some of the anger has faded away but most of it's still there. It's just going in a different direction. I'm angry at who I became. I let my fury consume me and I let myself be manipulated.
And still I fight with that.
I'm at peace who what I've done. As much as I can ever be. Like Angel said, I'm gonna be seeing faces until the day I die but maybe they aren't screaming in my ear anymore. And that's something.
But it still as comes back to him. The mayor.
Did he love me?
Angel says he did. In his own way. But is he just trying to keep me from being hurt even more? Does he think that I finally accept that the Mayor was a monster it might break me? But did he love me?
He left me a way to get revenge on Buffy. He tried to take care of me after his death. That means something right?
I think Angel is right; I will struggle with this all of my life. And I hate that. I would love for there to be some simplicity. I mean its bad enough that we slayers have an expiration date but we also have to deal with all of the moral issues without somehow losing our own souls.
Not very easy.
I still dream a lot.
Sometimes about the people I've killed. Sometimes about slaying. Sometimes I watch Buffy's life and it scares me so I try to get out. Only the violence in her mind tells me that all is not well there and I kind of need things to be good. Selfish, I know but I can't help thinking that if she can make it.so can I.
And I still dream about him. Xander.
No, best not to go there. Pipe dream and all that. He's happily married by now. The past. I need to put that away.
"Yard time," a guard says, pressing his face up against the bars. He leers at me and for half a moment, I envision crushing his skull between my palms. I sigh and I let it go.
A different life now.
I'm thinking about calling Angel and asking him to start visiting again.
I miss the company. The quiet. I hate the quiet. It's so lonely. Sure it's helped but now I just want to laugh again. If only for a moment. Maybe I don't deserve it but after all of this, don't I deserve something? Haven't I earned a moment of happiness?
I sigh and stand up. He opens the door and I walk out. He moves next to me and we start towards the yard. He's pretty new. Most of the other guards leave me alone. I don't start shit unless someone picks a fight with me. Then I'm just defending myself.
That's okay, I think.
Yeah, I think I'll call Angel.
Maybe just one visit.
I hope he hasn't forgotten about me.
I hope I've made him proud.
The doors open and I step out into the sunlight. I blink and move past the guard. He watches me for a moment longer but I ignore him this time.
There was a time when I wouldn't have cared about the light.
Now I need it.
Yeah, I'll call tonight.
-FIN
AUTHOR: Shawn Carter
EMAIL: gfshawn@earthlink.net
RATING: PG
MUSIC: REM
SUMMARY: An introspective piece on Faith in the big house.
********
They couldn't keep me here if they tried. They could lock me down in the darkest room they have and it wouldn't hold me if I didn't want to stay. Okay, maybe want is the wrong word. No one wants to stay here. Choose. I choose to stay here in prison serving out a sentence that no other Slayer ever has.
We're above the law. Sometimes we create the law. And sometimes it catches up with you and wrecks you right good.
There, I think that about sums up my life. I had power. I lost power. I'm here.
And I'm better for it.
That's not something you hear very often around here. Everyone here was set- up and is innocent as hell. So what if they were found over the body of their ex-boyfriend who was stepping out with three other tramps. They were still set-up don't you know.
Not me. There's a very cold peace in knowing and accepting what I did. I can move on now. I'll never forget; it's not something you can. But I can stop living in those constant nightmares.
This isn't to say that I don't dream. I do and they're not pretty. I can still see their faces. Angel told me I always will and I guess he would know. The man is the king of pain and torment, living in his own personal hell and forcing himself to try to make do every single day, even if that means compromising and accepting cheap alternatives.
I haven't seen him in so long. I miss the big dope.
It's my fault really; I made him stay away.
As long as he was coming to see me once a week, I had something to look forward to. I had something to make me not go into that dark place. But I needed to be there if I was ever going to find my way out of it. Angel was like an electric blanket on a cold night. That had to stop. I didn't put myself behind these walls to be coddled.
Talk about hard conversations. The guy was already hating life. Maybe my timing was bad. In fact, I kind of know it was. It told him that he had to stop coming two weeks after we found out that Buffy had died. He was crushed but so was I. I guess I figured that it was high time I started making something of myself. Lord knows I'd let her down enough.
After I told him, he just stood up and left the room. I think he was shaking a little. He said he needed to go somewhere and think. The guy was really burning up with pain over losing Buffy. So was I.
It's been over a year and a half now. I haven't heard from him at all in all that time. I guess when I had asked him to stay away, I hadn't exactly meant completely. Letters probably wouldn't have hurt. In fact the only communication I got from anyone was a note from Wes explaining that the Scoobies had decided to bring back Buff.
I feel terrible for her. They can't possibly understand what they did to her; what peace means to a Slayer. I'm not saying I look forward to death because I don't. There is a strong part of me that feels that no matter the fact that I now accept my punishment, I'm still in line for a one-way ticket to the hot place.
Just the same, you can only fight so long and continue to care about the reasons why. Buffy has always had her sense of justice but how long can that carry you when all you can remember is that there was once peace. No pain. Nothing.
I wonder how she came back? I bet she put things together like she always does. It's safe to say that my admiration of her has grown in here. She's suffered as well, I just didn't want to see it. Couldn't see it. Now I don't want to go all crawling up her ass and all but you have no idea how easy it to let go. How easy it is become the law and enjoy the power of it.
She's always seemed just a lit bit aroused by it and whole lot turned off by it. That amazes me. Even now I find myself drawn to the fact that if I wanted to, I could get out of this cell. Right now.
So much has changed. My life is so different than it was three years ago. Some of the anger has faded away but most of it's still there. It's just going in a different direction. I'm angry at who I became. I let my fury consume me and I let myself be manipulated.
And still I fight with that.
I'm at peace who what I've done. As much as I can ever be. Like Angel said, I'm gonna be seeing faces until the day I die but maybe they aren't screaming in my ear anymore. And that's something.
But it still as comes back to him. The mayor.
Did he love me?
Angel says he did. In his own way. But is he just trying to keep me from being hurt even more? Does he think that I finally accept that the Mayor was a monster it might break me? But did he love me?
He left me a way to get revenge on Buffy. He tried to take care of me after his death. That means something right?
I think Angel is right; I will struggle with this all of my life. And I hate that. I would love for there to be some simplicity. I mean its bad enough that we slayers have an expiration date but we also have to deal with all of the moral issues without somehow losing our own souls.
Not very easy.
I still dream a lot.
Sometimes about the people I've killed. Sometimes about slaying. Sometimes I watch Buffy's life and it scares me so I try to get out. Only the violence in her mind tells me that all is not well there and I kind of need things to be good. Selfish, I know but I can't help thinking that if she can make it.so can I.
And I still dream about him. Xander.
No, best not to go there. Pipe dream and all that. He's happily married by now. The past. I need to put that away.
"Yard time," a guard says, pressing his face up against the bars. He leers at me and for half a moment, I envision crushing his skull between my palms. I sigh and I let it go.
A different life now.
I'm thinking about calling Angel and asking him to start visiting again.
I miss the company. The quiet. I hate the quiet. It's so lonely. Sure it's helped but now I just want to laugh again. If only for a moment. Maybe I don't deserve it but after all of this, don't I deserve something? Haven't I earned a moment of happiness?
I sigh and stand up. He opens the door and I walk out. He moves next to me and we start towards the yard. He's pretty new. Most of the other guards leave me alone. I don't start shit unless someone picks a fight with me. Then I'm just defending myself.
That's okay, I think.
Yeah, I think I'll call Angel.
Maybe just one visit.
I hope he hasn't forgotten about me.
I hope I've made him proud.
The doors open and I step out into the sunlight. I blink and move past the guard. He watches me for a moment longer but I ignore him this time.
There was a time when I wouldn't have cared about the light.
Now I need it.
Yeah, I'll call tonight.
-FIN