Author's note: This is the prequel to "Muninn" (yeah I've jumped on the prequel bandwagon). It's pretty short, basically just describing what happened between Logan and Raven before she left for college. It's AU, which basically means I can write whatever I want without checking my sources. Bwahahaahah!!! Again, Bloodraven is mine, the others are Marvel's. Enjoy (and review)!
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Always Farewell
by Mordred LeFay
"So, what do you think?" Raven asked, finishing up her little speech. Professor Charles Xavier sat behind his desk, his hands folded as though in prayer, resting against his lips. His head was tilted down slightly, in thought.
"Well," he began, "I agree that it would be an enriching experience for you. Not only would you be exposed to much culture in the study of art, it would be good for you to be on your own for a while. However—" Raven sighed as she tried to keep her disappointment from showing on her face. "—I am still concerned. There will have to be some compromises."
"Of course," Raven agreed. That seemed reasonable, after all. Besides, she would agree to nearly anything, if it would get her out of here, out of this mansion with its memories, if it would distract her from emptiness, from loneliness.
"First of all, I will be checking in on you frequently, less so when you've settled. Secondly, and this is important: you must tell no one about your powers. It is too dangerous, especially in these troubled times," he reminded her.
"I understand, Professor," Raven assented.
"Good. We can work out the details later, Raven. To tell you the truth, I'm proud of you. You are showing willingness to assume responsibility for your education. As for my concerns, well," he smiled indulgently, "it's still hard to watch a young one leave the nest." Raven smiled.
"Thank you, Professor," she said, rising to leave.
----
"So you're really doing it, huh? You're really going?" Kitty asked. The two girls were sitting in Kitty's room reading. Kitty sat at her desk, poring over her notes, and Raven lounged on the bed with a novel.
"Yup. I'm going to the city."
"Are you scared?" Kitty asked, looking up from her studies.
"A little," Raven admitted. "I've always lived in secluded rural areas or suburbs. The only time I ever went into the city was to shop. Now I'm going to be living there. I'm just glad I chose a school that offers on-campus housing. I don't think I'd want to deal with an apartment." She set down her book. "I'm excited though, you know? I mean, I don't know if I'm gonna go all four years, but it's something I have to try. I've always loved art, and it's not like I'm going to learn it here."
"True," Kitty agreed, nibbling on her pen cap. She went to say something, hesitated, then continued, "Did you tell Logan yet?"
"Oh, is he back?" Raven said icily. "And what would Wolverine care about my comings and goings?"
"Raven," Kitty sighed. She put her pen down and turned to face Raven. "Don't be like that. Just because he's gone a lot doesn't mean—"
"He's always gone, Kitty," Raven shot back. "He's always leaving. Doesn't that bother you?" She frowned, her brow furrowing. "I know why he has to do it, but it still hurts, you know? He's never here. And when he is, you turn around and he's vanished again, without even a farewell."
Kitty got up, walked over to the bed, and sat, crosslegged, facing Raven. "You haven't told him how you feel, have you?"
"Would it do any good?" Raven muttered, despair creeping into her voice. "Did it do Rogue any good? Or you?"
"Yeah well that's different, that was just deflecting a schoolgirl crush." Kitty shrugged and smiled. "I mean, sure I like him, but he was right. It's just infatuation. Same with Rogue; he saved her life a couple of times. That'll do it to anyone."
"Yeah," Raven whispered, almost inaudibly.
Kitty grabbed Raven's arm. "Yeah, but it's different with you. Sure he saved your life, but it just seems different," Kitty tried to explain. "You can just tell. You don't follow him around all the time like a lovesick puppy. You don't get all tongue-tied when you talk to him."
"Like you, you mean?" Raven teased, giving Kitty a wink.
Kitty slapped her arm. "You know what I mean!" she scolded. "If it's just a schoolgirl crush, well you sure seem mature about it." She got up and returned to her desk. "All I'm saying is, you should at least tell him how you feel before you go. Then you won't be kicking yourself later. What's that saying?"
"'It's better to try and fail than to fail to try,'" Raven offered.
"I was thinking more of, 'shoot for the moon; if you miss, you'll still land in the stars,'" Kitty said. "If he feels the same, then great. If not, at least it's out in the open and you can concentrate on picking up some cute artsy guys, right?"
Raven smiled slightly. "You're right, Kitty. I think I'll go do that now, if he hasn't slipped away again." She hopped off the bed.
"Good luck," Kitty wished her as she left.
----
Logan didn't even look up when he heard the knock at his door. "Yeah?" he called. The door opened a crack, and Raven peeked in.
"Logan? Can I come in?" she asked hesitantly. She could see a duffel bag on his bed, some piles of clothing.
"Yeah," he replied, shoving things into the bag. Raven stepped in and closed the door behind her. She walked over to the bed.
"You're leaving again, aren't you?" She sat down, her heart sinking. He's always going away, always running off somewhere. And for what? I have all the answers he's searching for right here.
"I have to, Raven," he replied, almost apologetically. Almost. He glanced over at her, then back to what he was doing.
"Where are you going?"
"Here and there."
"Fine," she sighed. "Keep your secrets." The few you have from me, that is. She considered telling him that she was leaving too, but didn't. He never told her when he was leaving, after all, or where he was going to. One day he'd be there, and the next he'd be off again without a trace. Without any goodbyes. Perhaps he didn't like them, thought they were too emotional and sentimental for him to stand. Or perhaps too painful?
"I'm not going to ask why," Raven declared, "or ask you to stay. But there is something I have to talk to you about." Logan continued his packing as though he hadn't heard. "Put that shit down and listen to me!" Raven cried angrily.
"All right, calm down!" Logan replied, taken aback. He dropped what he was doing. "What is it?"
Raven closed her eyes, afraid of his reaction. Her words came out in a rush, "Logan, I know you'll probably take this the wrong way but it's been built up inside of me so long and I can't keep it secret anymore. I love you, and I swear it's that, not infatuation, not some dreamy schoolgirl crush. And something tells me you feel the same way."
He went to say something, but she cut him off, "I've seen the way you look at me sometimes, when you think I'm not looking. And I know you, Logan. I hold no illusions about you or what you are. And despite everything I'm not afraid. I want to be with you, and I have to know—" she paused for breath, swallowed hard, and continued, whispering, "I have to know how you feel about me."
There was a moment of tense silence. Logan sat down heavily next to her. "Bloodraven," he began in a low whisper. "It would never work out between us. Ya said it yourself; I'm always gone."
"You're always gone now, I seem to be holding up fine," Raven pointed out. "Stop making excuses."
"I ain't makin' excuses," he protested.
"How long have we known each other?" she demanded. "Two years? I've been thinking about this for a long time. I thought it was just a crush too, but it hasn't gone away. Logan, please," she whispered, reaching out to touch his face. He closed his eyes and leaned his cheek against her hand. He does, she thought, he has feelings for me. Why is he fighting it?
Opening his eyes, he shook his head. "No," he said firmly. "You're just a girl. I'm your mentor, Raven. It wouldn't be right." He stood up.
Raven sighed, her shoulders drooping. She stood as well. "All right. I'm not going to chase you," she yielded. "Good luck on your journey. I hope you find what you're looking for." She ventured to kiss him on the cheek. Logan winced as though in pain. "Goodbye," Raven whispered, and left.
Logan sighed heavily and continued with his packing. He looked over his shoulder at the door. "No," he muttered to himself. "It's better this way."
----
Raven stood at her window, watching the sky grow dim. It was still summer, but she could almost sense the chill that was coming. Her enrollment at the college would be last minute, but with Xavier pulling the strings she knew she'd have no trouble. She gazed at the undulating horizon of trees, wanting to fly, but she felt her heart was too heavy. She heard a motorcycle start up, watched as Logan sped away. Running again, she thought. He didn't look back.
"Logan, my love, my mentor, I shall follow the example you've given me," she whispered to herself. "Who knows, maybe you'll chase me for once." Sighing, she turned to go find the Professor to discuss when she would be leaving.