I don't own Final Fantasy VIII or any of the characters from the game.
Chapter 17: Uncomfortable Words
There was a definite exchange of smack talk being delivered by the child to his father.
"You haven't got a chance!"
Squall grabbed the controller with a grin…'Uncle Zell' strikes again. "I think I've learned a few things since last time, young man," said the headmaster in his most commanding voice…even if he was trying not to laugh it still sounded imposing. At least it should have to any five year old. But this was Junior. And nobody, NOBODY beat Junior at Chocobo Racing. Ever.
The boy looked at his father with a look of calm cockiness that should have been far beyond his five years. "Wanna bet?" Squall messed up his son's hair playfully as the game loaded. "Watch it," he said with a chuckle as the two readied themselves for the upcoming match. Junior's eyes calmly fixed on the screen as his fingers reflexively tapped the buttons. The kid had a wonderful sense of attention, Squall had to admit as he watched his child with a note of pride. Even if it was just video games, Junior always gave a hundred and ten percent to everything he did. Squall was almost itching for the day when Junior would be ready for his first lesson in gunblade fighting, but that would have to wait at least another three years. Though everyone knew the boy could probably handle the training even now, Squall felt it was best to let his son experience all the things he had never been able to. It was one of the reasons Junior was the way he was. Cid constantly said Squall was spoiling the boy, but Selphie understood even if no one else did. They'd never had a real childhood, and the couple was determined to give their own son the best life could offer.
The game started (after an obviously humored Junior had corrected how Squall was holding the controller) and the purple Chocobo up front sped easily in front of the pack and the younger boy's eyes drifted to his father with a carefree, confident plastered on his face. "Daddy…you're gonna lose if you keep doin that." Squall snickered. "Just race," he told his small double, and the two focused on the game with a concentration that was almost funny. It was half way through the course that Squall's poor button-mashed chocobo started to slow down, it's stamina bar lowering steadily as Junior's little animated bird whirred past to claim the first place trophy. When the purple chocobo had crossed the finish line, last, Squall set down the controller and looked over to see his son beaming. "See?" said Junior with a smile that was pure sunshine, "I toldja so!" Squall raised one eyebrow at his son without saying a word and the boy went into another of his infamous giggle fits. There was a moment or two of silence and that same steady look from Squall to his son before Squall reached out and grabbed the boy, hefted him up over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and headed down the hall, Junior laughing as the room went from right side up to upside down as Squall chuckled.
"Say goodnight Junior."
"Goodnight Junior!" chirped the boy as he waved at his mom, who appeared to be standing on the ceiling. Selphie laughed and waved as her son was carted off to his bedroom.
Ten minutes later, Junior was in his pajamas, sitting up in bed with a pout on his face that could've melted sugar. Squall was sitting on the edge of the bed, knowing once again an argument was coming. Junior had one major flaw amidst his perfection-the kid knew how to get what he wanted. Squall had lost count of the times he'd sat out in the dark hallway listening to Selphie sing their son to sleep. Usually mommy got that duty but tonight, apparently, daddy was on his own. Squall reached for his son's teddy bear and handed it to the pouting child, smoothing back the boy's hair with a gentle smile. "You want a story?" Junior's pout started to subtly melt away as his attention focused back on his father. "Yes please…"
Squall had to think for a moment before readjusting himself on the edge of the bed. A story…he had about a million stories in his head, but Squall had always lacked the ability to be…well…talkative. That and most of his stories were just a little dark and personal, but that hardly mattered at this point. "Tell me about Grandpa," said Junior as he snuggled into the sheets, totally unaware of the shooting pain those words had sent through his father's chest. Squall swallowed hard, trying to cover up the discomfort before continuing. Out in the hall, Selphie listened as if hanging on to a very thin thread as her heart pounded in her chest. This could be bad…
"You…want a story about grandpa, huh?" Selphie could hear the rustling of the blankets as Squall tucked the boy in. She wanted to cry for some reason. Maybe it was the knowledge that this conversation was probably killing her husband inside. But she knew Squall would rather die than let his son see him hurting, and that stubborn Leonhart/Loire pride would probably kick in.
The story began.
"Once…upon a time…is that how it's supposed to start?"
Junior nodded with a small giggle that led straight into a huge yawn. "Yeah."
"Okay…once upon a time…there was a very very beautiful woman that lived in a town far away from here."
Junior woke up slightly. "Was she a princess? Like Mommy?" Selphie stifled a giggle from the hallway as Squall smiled, one of those rare honest smiles he only shared with the ones he loved more than anything. "No, she wasn't a princess, but she was almost as pretty as mommy," he said as Junior hugged his teddy a little bit tighter.
"Her name was Julia. And…she was a singer. In Galbadia. You know where that is, right?" Junior nodded with another sleepy smile. "Well, she used to sing every night and people would come from all over the place to hear her sing. And one of those people…" Squall swallowed nervously as he paused. It was unnerving, to remember living through that, to have been there, to have felt all the emotion and wake up back in your own body. He still had nightmares about it once in awhile. "One of those people was your Grandpa." Junior's grin spread from ear to ear, and it occurred to Squall for the first time that the boy really did have a certain affection for Laguna. That posed a problem. "He loved to listen to her sing." Junior blinked.
"Did he love her? Like you love mommy and me?"
"Yeah," said Squall with a hint of telltale distance in his voice that gave him away, "he kinda did. But he was afraid to talk to her. So one night, he tried to talk to her. But he kind of chickened out. So she went to talk to him. And you know what happened?" Junior shook his head. "She wrote a song about him."
The child's eyes bugged out momentarily. "Whooooooaaaaaahhhhhhh!" Squall managed a smile at that. At least the boy couldn't tell how hard this was for him. "But grandpa had to go away, so she became famous and married someone else while Grandpa went back to be a soldier." Junior frowned. "That was silly," he said matter of factly. "Nope," said Squall, "cause otherwise he never would have ended up hurt. When he got hurt, someone brought him to a little place called Winhill. And that's where he met your grandma Rayne and Ellone." Selphie could tell Squall's voice was getting tight with emotion, and her heart ached for him. But she didn't dare interrupt this exchange.
"Grandpa loved Rayne like you loved mommy, right?" Junior looked so hopeful that Squall would've lied to make that smile stay. But he didn't have to, and he knew it. "Yeah…yeah grandpa loved Rayne just like I love mommy. And she helped him get all better." Junior's head tilted to one side curiously. "Where's Gramma Rayne now?" Squall shut his eyes against the pain, ignoring the searing burning feeling that threatened to take his eyes over if he wasn't careful. He forced a smile and ran his hand through Junior's hair gently. "She went to be with the angels, and she watches over you all the time to make sure you stay safe." Junior blinked at that. "Really? I have my very own angel?" Squall nodded, opening his eyes back up as a sad smile tugged at his lips. "Yeah. That's why you're so special." Junior smiled, cuddling up with his teddy bear and blinking sleepily at his dad.
Squall sighed, reaching into the pocket of his pants, and pulled out his wallet. His fingers moved slowly, almost lingering, as he pulled out a triple triad card before closing the wallet back up and handing the card to his now wide eyed but still sleepy son. "That's for you," he said as Junior stared at the perfect picture of Laguna in his younger years. Junior leapt up and threw his arms around Squall's neck, hugging him tightly. Squall held his son for a moment, eyes closed, not wanting to think about anything but the little boy in his arms and the hurt in his heart. But Junior was still sleepy, and he sank back down into the pillows clutching his bear and his new card with a happy smile.
"You…get some sleep now, okay?" Squall kissed his son gently on the forehead and turned out the light before standing and heading for the door without looking back. "'Night kiddo."
"Night daddy. Luv you," he yawned.
"Love you too…" He left the door open a crack and started to head back to the living room, but a wide eyed and very silent Selphie stood staring at him. He would've said something, only her eyes spoke more volumes than his mouth could have possibly tried to. So he let her knowing expression answer all of her questions that he wasn't ready to answer. Without a word, she moved to put her arms around him and the two stood there in the dark hallway, eyes closed, as Squall took comfort the only way he knew how. His taller frame embraced hers, his lips coming to rest on her forehead. They stood there like that, holding one another close for several minutes before Selphie broke the silence.
"That was a very sweet story," she said softly, still feeling his lips gently brushing her skin. Squall drew a deep shaky breath and let it out in a long slow sigh before adding his thoughts. "You sat out here for the whole thing?" Selphie nodded as she felt his hands grab a bit of fabric form her shirt as he clung to her. "I heard the whole thing. It was really sweet." Squall nodded slightly, a subtle movement, as though he wasn't too convinced of that fact. Selphie drew a deep breath.
"Squall…maybe you need to give Laguna another chance." Squall backed up ever so slightly, his eyes going cold and dismissive as he looked on his wife, suddenly a different person.
"No," he said resolutely. Selphie's eyes implored him. "Honey," she said looking up into his eyes, "the man only wants to be a part of his life. You can't hold it against him." Squall was getting irritated, and his frustration showed as his arms dropped from Selphie's frame and he turned to face the wall. "Selphie," he said, his voice taut, "We've been through this." Selphie took a deep breath, trying not to get frustrated. "Squall, you have to listen to me this time-"
"No, YOU listen!" he said whirling to face her, his eyes narrowed in anger and his hand was firmly placed on the wall. Selphie took an uncomfortable step backward. Squall hated it when she reacted like that, mostly because it was an all out shot at what an ass he was being, so he took a second to compose himself and keep his voice down. The last thing they needed was a distraught Junior waking up to hear them fighting. He hated it when his parents argued, and he made it very well known.
"I'm…sorry Selph…" He dropped his hands to his sides, focusing his vision on the carpet. "He…I love Junior more than anything in the world. You know that." His eyes moved to meet his wife's, who was now right back at his side, taking his hand. His eyes were a deep blue all of a sudden, a reaction that often happened when he was feeling emotional. He didn't blink, just looked deeply into Selphie's eyes as his brimmed with tears he refused to acknowledge.
"I refuse to let him hurt that boy."
Selphie started to lead him out of the hall with a small tug. "Come on," she said softly, "There's something you have to see." Squall's head tilted slightly to one side as she led him from the hallway, a slightly confused look on his face. She took him to the living room and sat facing him on the couch before she reached into her pocket and withdrew a small folded note. For a moment it looked like one of Junior's drawings, but when Selphie handed it to him he noticed the scrawled ink bleeding through.
"Laguna didn't just stop by today to see Junior," she said once the small folded note was in his hands. Squall looked from the note to Selphie and back again twice before she nodded to him with a reassuring smile. "Go on," she said gently.
He unfolded the letter carefully, slowly, to terrified to say anything. He knew the sloppy handwriting, and his hands began to shake ever so slightly as he read the letter, not saying a word.
"Squall-
I've never pretended to be anything I'm not. I wasn't a very good soldier. That's why I gave it up. I wasn't a very good husband either…Rayne could tell you that if she were still today. There are only two things I can ever remember being halfway decent at. One, acting like an ass and fucking up your life…
And two is writing."
His fingers clenched reflexively on the edges of the letter, wanting nothing more than to tear the paper to shreds and chuck it into the fire place. It was funny in some twisted way…really honestly funny. Twenty-six and now the man decides to apologize? Who the fuck did he think he was anyway?!
" Putting things into words is a difficult thing for me. I always either wind up babbling incoherently for an hour or I get so tongue-tied I can't even look at someone. For some reason, you always seem to have the latter effect on me. It took me a long time, but now I know that this is the only way I can express anything to you and have it make some semblance of rationality, or without sounding like the complete idiot I am.
I know you hate me."
Squall paused on those words. Hate…hate was such a strong word, a word he only used in very extreme situations when he was referring to a person. But to say that he hated Laguna…
" The thing is…you have every right to. I won't sit here and write for two hours trying to make up for what I've done. It's pointless and stupid, and I know you'd agree with me. Rayne would have. Hyne you're so like her it makes me crazy sometimes. Same stubbornness…it's the one thing I hate about you. You scare me."
…Scared?
"I never pretended to be proud of what I've done. I know I'm a fuck up. Nobody has to remind me that I gave up everything that should have meant something to me just to chase a silly dream. I could have had so much more. And not a single day goes by that I don't look in the mirror and want to change what I see. But there's no changing anything about me. I chose to live with my mistakes and I've done so with minimal complaint. But you…you're the one thing that reminds me to a point that I don't want to be near you too much. And you don't want to be near me because you hate me. It's been a comfortable arrangement. Until now."
Until now…
"Junior is a wonderful kid. And I'm not ashamed to tell you that I love him more than words can express. Do you know what it's like to look at that boy? To see everything about you that I hate and see it in a new light? Hyne, I'm not making any sense…He scares me like you but he doesn't hate me. And…he reminds me of you, what I imagine you were like before you got sucked into that Garden. He's you. A very small you, with Selphie's love inside. That alone makes him a lucky kid."
His grip had loosened on the paper.
"I want to be a part of his life. Maybe it's me trying to make up for something…hell, I'll entertain that idea, even if I know that won't make up for anything. Maybe it's just that I love the kid. Because I do, and I want you to know that. I love Junior. I love Selphie too. She's something very special, and you're damn lucky you found her when you did."
Was that a challenge?
"And I love you."
Squall's heart froze in his chest.
"Whether you like it or not, I do. I always have, even when I shared your mind for the first time. Even when I totally didn't understand you, even when you were screaming at me and mocking me behind my back. I still love you, because you're my son. My son, and Rayne's son, and I don't think I have to explain to you how much I loved Rayne. You know.
I know it's time for me to grow up, or I'll never get another chance to love my grandson. Or my own."
There was no signature at the bottom of the paper, only a few smudge marks where the ink had faded due to some liquid. Just like Laguna, thought Squall with a spitefulness that surprised him. Crying. And yet…why was he so mad at the man? Wasn't this what Squall had wanted all his life? A chance to know his father and be happy?
And yet he was so comfortable in his bitterness, and that was clear, very clear, for the first time.
"I didn't read it…" said Selphie in an almost inaudible voice, "but…he told me what it said. He was crying when he dropped it off." Squall didn't move, only stared at the paper as he slowly folded it back up. "He cries too much," replied Squall in a gentle voice.
Selphie found herself blinking back tears for no reason whatsoever. "Are you angry with me?" Squall tucked the letter into the back pocket of his pants calmly before turning to Selphie and sliding his arms easily around her. It was comforting sometimes, just to hold her close, like she was some reminder of the good things he'd managed to accomplish. She nuzzled herself up to his chest as the two fell slowly backwards into the sofa cushions, Squall on his back and Selphie listening to his heartbeat.
"No," he said, "I'm not mad at you."
The tension in her body eased slightly at that. "What then?"
Squall sighed and closed his eyes as blissful darkness replaced the dim light of the room. His head hurt. "I'm not sure, baby…just…not sure." Selphie's fingers drifted in slow patterns across his chest as she held him close. "Maybe…it's time to move on?"
Squall nodded.
"Yeah…maybe."
It was the last thing he said before drifting off to sleep. Selphie wanted to look up at his face, just to see if there were tears there. But she opted not to. She only would have been disappointed. Squall didn't cry, as much as she wanted him too. Just once, just enough to remind her that he was sometimes capable of breaking through that carefully built wall. But that was Squall, love him or leave him. And she wasn't going anywhere.
Chapter 17: Uncomfortable Words
There was a definite exchange of smack talk being delivered by the child to his father.
"You haven't got a chance!"
Squall grabbed the controller with a grin…'Uncle Zell' strikes again. "I think I've learned a few things since last time, young man," said the headmaster in his most commanding voice…even if he was trying not to laugh it still sounded imposing. At least it should have to any five year old. But this was Junior. And nobody, NOBODY beat Junior at Chocobo Racing. Ever.
The boy looked at his father with a look of calm cockiness that should have been far beyond his five years. "Wanna bet?" Squall messed up his son's hair playfully as the game loaded. "Watch it," he said with a chuckle as the two readied themselves for the upcoming match. Junior's eyes calmly fixed on the screen as his fingers reflexively tapped the buttons. The kid had a wonderful sense of attention, Squall had to admit as he watched his child with a note of pride. Even if it was just video games, Junior always gave a hundred and ten percent to everything he did. Squall was almost itching for the day when Junior would be ready for his first lesson in gunblade fighting, but that would have to wait at least another three years. Though everyone knew the boy could probably handle the training even now, Squall felt it was best to let his son experience all the things he had never been able to. It was one of the reasons Junior was the way he was. Cid constantly said Squall was spoiling the boy, but Selphie understood even if no one else did. They'd never had a real childhood, and the couple was determined to give their own son the best life could offer.
The game started (after an obviously humored Junior had corrected how Squall was holding the controller) and the purple Chocobo up front sped easily in front of the pack and the younger boy's eyes drifted to his father with a carefree, confident plastered on his face. "Daddy…you're gonna lose if you keep doin that." Squall snickered. "Just race," he told his small double, and the two focused on the game with a concentration that was almost funny. It was half way through the course that Squall's poor button-mashed chocobo started to slow down, it's stamina bar lowering steadily as Junior's little animated bird whirred past to claim the first place trophy. When the purple chocobo had crossed the finish line, last, Squall set down the controller and looked over to see his son beaming. "See?" said Junior with a smile that was pure sunshine, "I toldja so!" Squall raised one eyebrow at his son without saying a word and the boy went into another of his infamous giggle fits. There was a moment or two of silence and that same steady look from Squall to his son before Squall reached out and grabbed the boy, hefted him up over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and headed down the hall, Junior laughing as the room went from right side up to upside down as Squall chuckled.
"Say goodnight Junior."
"Goodnight Junior!" chirped the boy as he waved at his mom, who appeared to be standing on the ceiling. Selphie laughed and waved as her son was carted off to his bedroom.
Ten minutes later, Junior was in his pajamas, sitting up in bed with a pout on his face that could've melted sugar. Squall was sitting on the edge of the bed, knowing once again an argument was coming. Junior had one major flaw amidst his perfection-the kid knew how to get what he wanted. Squall had lost count of the times he'd sat out in the dark hallway listening to Selphie sing their son to sleep. Usually mommy got that duty but tonight, apparently, daddy was on his own. Squall reached for his son's teddy bear and handed it to the pouting child, smoothing back the boy's hair with a gentle smile. "You want a story?" Junior's pout started to subtly melt away as his attention focused back on his father. "Yes please…"
Squall had to think for a moment before readjusting himself on the edge of the bed. A story…he had about a million stories in his head, but Squall had always lacked the ability to be…well…talkative. That and most of his stories were just a little dark and personal, but that hardly mattered at this point. "Tell me about Grandpa," said Junior as he snuggled into the sheets, totally unaware of the shooting pain those words had sent through his father's chest. Squall swallowed hard, trying to cover up the discomfort before continuing. Out in the hall, Selphie listened as if hanging on to a very thin thread as her heart pounded in her chest. This could be bad…
"You…want a story about grandpa, huh?" Selphie could hear the rustling of the blankets as Squall tucked the boy in. She wanted to cry for some reason. Maybe it was the knowledge that this conversation was probably killing her husband inside. But she knew Squall would rather die than let his son see him hurting, and that stubborn Leonhart/Loire pride would probably kick in.
The story began.
"Once…upon a time…is that how it's supposed to start?"
Junior nodded with a small giggle that led straight into a huge yawn. "Yeah."
"Okay…once upon a time…there was a very very beautiful woman that lived in a town far away from here."
Junior woke up slightly. "Was she a princess? Like Mommy?" Selphie stifled a giggle from the hallway as Squall smiled, one of those rare honest smiles he only shared with the ones he loved more than anything. "No, she wasn't a princess, but she was almost as pretty as mommy," he said as Junior hugged his teddy a little bit tighter.
"Her name was Julia. And…she was a singer. In Galbadia. You know where that is, right?" Junior nodded with another sleepy smile. "Well, she used to sing every night and people would come from all over the place to hear her sing. And one of those people…" Squall swallowed nervously as he paused. It was unnerving, to remember living through that, to have been there, to have felt all the emotion and wake up back in your own body. He still had nightmares about it once in awhile. "One of those people was your Grandpa." Junior's grin spread from ear to ear, and it occurred to Squall for the first time that the boy really did have a certain affection for Laguna. That posed a problem. "He loved to listen to her sing." Junior blinked.
"Did he love her? Like you love mommy and me?"
"Yeah," said Squall with a hint of telltale distance in his voice that gave him away, "he kinda did. But he was afraid to talk to her. So one night, he tried to talk to her. But he kind of chickened out. So she went to talk to him. And you know what happened?" Junior shook his head. "She wrote a song about him."
The child's eyes bugged out momentarily. "Whooooooaaaaaahhhhhhh!" Squall managed a smile at that. At least the boy couldn't tell how hard this was for him. "But grandpa had to go away, so she became famous and married someone else while Grandpa went back to be a soldier." Junior frowned. "That was silly," he said matter of factly. "Nope," said Squall, "cause otherwise he never would have ended up hurt. When he got hurt, someone brought him to a little place called Winhill. And that's where he met your grandma Rayne and Ellone." Selphie could tell Squall's voice was getting tight with emotion, and her heart ached for him. But she didn't dare interrupt this exchange.
"Grandpa loved Rayne like you loved mommy, right?" Junior looked so hopeful that Squall would've lied to make that smile stay. But he didn't have to, and he knew it. "Yeah…yeah grandpa loved Rayne just like I love mommy. And she helped him get all better." Junior's head tilted to one side curiously. "Where's Gramma Rayne now?" Squall shut his eyes against the pain, ignoring the searing burning feeling that threatened to take his eyes over if he wasn't careful. He forced a smile and ran his hand through Junior's hair gently. "She went to be with the angels, and she watches over you all the time to make sure you stay safe." Junior blinked at that. "Really? I have my very own angel?" Squall nodded, opening his eyes back up as a sad smile tugged at his lips. "Yeah. That's why you're so special." Junior smiled, cuddling up with his teddy bear and blinking sleepily at his dad.
Squall sighed, reaching into the pocket of his pants, and pulled out his wallet. His fingers moved slowly, almost lingering, as he pulled out a triple triad card before closing the wallet back up and handing the card to his now wide eyed but still sleepy son. "That's for you," he said as Junior stared at the perfect picture of Laguna in his younger years. Junior leapt up and threw his arms around Squall's neck, hugging him tightly. Squall held his son for a moment, eyes closed, not wanting to think about anything but the little boy in his arms and the hurt in his heart. But Junior was still sleepy, and he sank back down into the pillows clutching his bear and his new card with a happy smile.
"You…get some sleep now, okay?" Squall kissed his son gently on the forehead and turned out the light before standing and heading for the door without looking back. "'Night kiddo."
"Night daddy. Luv you," he yawned.
"Love you too…" He left the door open a crack and started to head back to the living room, but a wide eyed and very silent Selphie stood staring at him. He would've said something, only her eyes spoke more volumes than his mouth could have possibly tried to. So he let her knowing expression answer all of her questions that he wasn't ready to answer. Without a word, she moved to put her arms around him and the two stood there in the dark hallway, eyes closed, as Squall took comfort the only way he knew how. His taller frame embraced hers, his lips coming to rest on her forehead. They stood there like that, holding one another close for several minutes before Selphie broke the silence.
"That was a very sweet story," she said softly, still feeling his lips gently brushing her skin. Squall drew a deep shaky breath and let it out in a long slow sigh before adding his thoughts. "You sat out here for the whole thing?" Selphie nodded as she felt his hands grab a bit of fabric form her shirt as he clung to her. "I heard the whole thing. It was really sweet." Squall nodded slightly, a subtle movement, as though he wasn't too convinced of that fact. Selphie drew a deep breath.
"Squall…maybe you need to give Laguna another chance." Squall backed up ever so slightly, his eyes going cold and dismissive as he looked on his wife, suddenly a different person.
"No," he said resolutely. Selphie's eyes implored him. "Honey," she said looking up into his eyes, "the man only wants to be a part of his life. You can't hold it against him." Squall was getting irritated, and his frustration showed as his arms dropped from Selphie's frame and he turned to face the wall. "Selphie," he said, his voice taut, "We've been through this." Selphie took a deep breath, trying not to get frustrated. "Squall, you have to listen to me this time-"
"No, YOU listen!" he said whirling to face her, his eyes narrowed in anger and his hand was firmly placed on the wall. Selphie took an uncomfortable step backward. Squall hated it when she reacted like that, mostly because it was an all out shot at what an ass he was being, so he took a second to compose himself and keep his voice down. The last thing they needed was a distraught Junior waking up to hear them fighting. He hated it when his parents argued, and he made it very well known.
"I'm…sorry Selph…" He dropped his hands to his sides, focusing his vision on the carpet. "He…I love Junior more than anything in the world. You know that." His eyes moved to meet his wife's, who was now right back at his side, taking his hand. His eyes were a deep blue all of a sudden, a reaction that often happened when he was feeling emotional. He didn't blink, just looked deeply into Selphie's eyes as his brimmed with tears he refused to acknowledge.
"I refuse to let him hurt that boy."
Selphie started to lead him out of the hall with a small tug. "Come on," she said softly, "There's something you have to see." Squall's head tilted slightly to one side as she led him from the hallway, a slightly confused look on his face. She took him to the living room and sat facing him on the couch before she reached into her pocket and withdrew a small folded note. For a moment it looked like one of Junior's drawings, but when Selphie handed it to him he noticed the scrawled ink bleeding through.
"Laguna didn't just stop by today to see Junior," she said once the small folded note was in his hands. Squall looked from the note to Selphie and back again twice before she nodded to him with a reassuring smile. "Go on," she said gently.
He unfolded the letter carefully, slowly, to terrified to say anything. He knew the sloppy handwriting, and his hands began to shake ever so slightly as he read the letter, not saying a word.
"Squall-
I've never pretended to be anything I'm not. I wasn't a very good soldier. That's why I gave it up. I wasn't a very good husband either…Rayne could tell you that if she were still today. There are only two things I can ever remember being halfway decent at. One, acting like an ass and fucking up your life…
And two is writing."
His fingers clenched reflexively on the edges of the letter, wanting nothing more than to tear the paper to shreds and chuck it into the fire place. It was funny in some twisted way…really honestly funny. Twenty-six and now the man decides to apologize? Who the fuck did he think he was anyway?!
" Putting things into words is a difficult thing for me. I always either wind up babbling incoherently for an hour or I get so tongue-tied I can't even look at someone. For some reason, you always seem to have the latter effect on me. It took me a long time, but now I know that this is the only way I can express anything to you and have it make some semblance of rationality, or without sounding like the complete idiot I am.
I know you hate me."
Squall paused on those words. Hate…hate was such a strong word, a word he only used in very extreme situations when he was referring to a person. But to say that he hated Laguna…
" The thing is…you have every right to. I won't sit here and write for two hours trying to make up for what I've done. It's pointless and stupid, and I know you'd agree with me. Rayne would have. Hyne you're so like her it makes me crazy sometimes. Same stubbornness…it's the one thing I hate about you. You scare me."
…Scared?
"I never pretended to be proud of what I've done. I know I'm a fuck up. Nobody has to remind me that I gave up everything that should have meant something to me just to chase a silly dream. I could have had so much more. And not a single day goes by that I don't look in the mirror and want to change what I see. But there's no changing anything about me. I chose to live with my mistakes and I've done so with minimal complaint. But you…you're the one thing that reminds me to a point that I don't want to be near you too much. And you don't want to be near me because you hate me. It's been a comfortable arrangement. Until now."
Until now…
"Junior is a wonderful kid. And I'm not ashamed to tell you that I love him more than words can express. Do you know what it's like to look at that boy? To see everything about you that I hate and see it in a new light? Hyne, I'm not making any sense…He scares me like you but he doesn't hate me. And…he reminds me of you, what I imagine you were like before you got sucked into that Garden. He's you. A very small you, with Selphie's love inside. That alone makes him a lucky kid."
His grip had loosened on the paper.
"I want to be a part of his life. Maybe it's me trying to make up for something…hell, I'll entertain that idea, even if I know that won't make up for anything. Maybe it's just that I love the kid. Because I do, and I want you to know that. I love Junior. I love Selphie too. She's something very special, and you're damn lucky you found her when you did."
Was that a challenge?
"And I love you."
Squall's heart froze in his chest.
"Whether you like it or not, I do. I always have, even when I shared your mind for the first time. Even when I totally didn't understand you, even when you were screaming at me and mocking me behind my back. I still love you, because you're my son. My son, and Rayne's son, and I don't think I have to explain to you how much I loved Rayne. You know.
I know it's time for me to grow up, or I'll never get another chance to love my grandson. Or my own."
There was no signature at the bottom of the paper, only a few smudge marks where the ink had faded due to some liquid. Just like Laguna, thought Squall with a spitefulness that surprised him. Crying. And yet…why was he so mad at the man? Wasn't this what Squall had wanted all his life? A chance to know his father and be happy?
And yet he was so comfortable in his bitterness, and that was clear, very clear, for the first time.
"I didn't read it…" said Selphie in an almost inaudible voice, "but…he told me what it said. He was crying when he dropped it off." Squall didn't move, only stared at the paper as he slowly folded it back up. "He cries too much," replied Squall in a gentle voice.
Selphie found herself blinking back tears for no reason whatsoever. "Are you angry with me?" Squall tucked the letter into the back pocket of his pants calmly before turning to Selphie and sliding his arms easily around her. It was comforting sometimes, just to hold her close, like she was some reminder of the good things he'd managed to accomplish. She nuzzled herself up to his chest as the two fell slowly backwards into the sofa cushions, Squall on his back and Selphie listening to his heartbeat.
"No," he said, "I'm not mad at you."
The tension in her body eased slightly at that. "What then?"
Squall sighed and closed his eyes as blissful darkness replaced the dim light of the room. His head hurt. "I'm not sure, baby…just…not sure." Selphie's fingers drifted in slow patterns across his chest as she held him close. "Maybe…it's time to move on?"
Squall nodded.
"Yeah…maybe."
It was the last thing he said before drifting off to sleep. Selphie wanted to look up at his face, just to see if there were tears there. But she opted not to. She only would have been disappointed. Squall didn't cry, as much as she wanted him too. Just once, just enough to remind her that he was sometimes capable of breaking through that carefully built wall. But that was Squall, love him or leave him. And she wasn't going anywhere.