Snakespearians: Dorkis and Nihilism

Summary: Gah, okay, so I suppose I have to explain this nonsense? So me and Nihilism were cold chillin' in mIRC and started playing around. This is the result. We basically do a really bad rap version of Prisoner of Azkaban. A really bad silly white girl with no rhythm version. But hey, we can laugh at ourselves, so we figured other people could too. All of my Mcing is in just regular text, and all of Ni's DJ freestyling is in parenthesis.

Warning/Disclaimer: I don't own this plot at all. I just own the really bad rapping part of it. You have been warned.

Thanks: Nihilism for making be laugh my ass off as usual.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Time to rock the beat ya'll, rock the beat ya'll, mix it up ya'll, and here we go...

Now this time your favorite MC is back in your hood...

(Boom, chk, boom-boom chkpah, whikeywhikeywhaa...boom)

To tell you the story of truth, despair, and good...

I'd like to take a minute while you're sitting right there...

To tell you a story about Harry Potter, the boy with fuggedy hair...

(Whikey-whik-whik)

Now my dawg Potter had some crappy relatives...

"No making any noise, no breathing" they said...

And the invited over lardass Aunt Marge...

Who was roughly the size of a very fat barge...

(boom-boom-pah, boom-pah, boom-whike-whikey)

Well she drank and ate and stuffed her fat gut...

And when she was done she said "You, boy, look..."

"Your parents were some straight nasty people..."

"And for your aunt and uncle you should be grateful.."

(She ain't lyin', now, dawg)

Well, Potter was 'core and he ain't taking that crap...

So he blew up his aunt, baby, just like DAT!!!

(Like DAT!!)

So everybody say YEAAAH!!!

(OH YEAAAH!!)

OH YEAAAH!!!

(YEAAAAAH!)

(whikey-whikey)

HERE WE GO!!

Now there's one thing you should know about Potter...

He was an underage wizard (and though no boy could be hotter)...

He wasn't supposed to use his skills outside of school...

And he new the M.O.M.would think that it wasn't quite cool...

(whikey whakwhikwhikeywhikboomboombampchk...)

So he's walking down the street, thinking about his predicament...

When BAM!! the Knight Bus almost slams him on the pavement...

(BAM!)

And then it whisks him off to DIAGON ALLEY...

(straight outta the hollow...)

Where he meants the Minister of Magic looking like Grainne O'Malley...

So say YEAAAAH!

(SAY YEAAAH!!!)

(YEAAAH!!!)

SAY YEAAH!!

And here we go...

Now the Minister he acts kinda funny...

(that foo')

Let's Potter off, treats him like a bunny...

(whikeywhikeywhaaa)

But Potter is distracted with his good luck...

No more sucking ass to Dudley, no more Marge's big gut...

So he passes the time, till here come Hermione and Ron...

His two best thugs, though they don't always get along...

(Chkchkwhikeywhaaaa)

Now Ron and Hermione are two cool cats...

Hermione's smart as a whip, Ron's good at 'dis and 'dat...

And off with Potter, they all go...

To Hogwarts school to chill, to rhyme, to flow...

Now word on the streets is about this escaped convict...

He escaped from Azakaban and now that's just SICK!!!

(SICK!!)

His name is Sirius and his heart is BLACK!!

And he wants to snuff out Potter JUST LIKE DAT!!!

EVERYONE SAY YEEAAAH!!

(SAY YEAAAH!!!)

YEEEEAAAAAH!

(Everybody naw YEEEAAAHHH!)

So lemme break it down for you 'bout this school...

(Break it down naw)

It teaches young wizards and is run by no fool...

(No fool naw)

Pimp Daddy Dumbledore has got the wicked wizard flow...

And how to do magic is his job to show...

Now there are four houses that the students belong too...

Gryffindor is for the noble, courageous and true...

Hufflepuff is for those loyal and hard...

(UGGH!!!)

And Ravenclaw is for people with brains not made of LARD...

(whikeywhikeywha, boom-chk, boomboomchk)

Now there's one house that destroys all others...

(BAM!)

Your MC's house, your DJ's, YOUR MOTHER'S....

Now this is the mighty house of Slytherin...

Where people win it all and have the finest GREEN!!!

Now Potter is a Gryffindor, and so are his dawgs...

And they think the Slytherins are a buncha brainless logs...

(Cold!)

But who asked them? Why do they get to have joy?!

When sorted in to Slytherin was DRACO MALFOY!!

Everyone say YEAAAAH!

(YEEEEAH!!!)

(SAY YEAAH!!)

(YEEEEAH!!!)

Now there's one thing that Gryffindor rules all in...

It's a bloody sport, and they wanna win...

It's called Quidditch, and their captain's called WOOD...

And he'd try any trick, screw being good...

But in the first match versus those Hufflepuff blingers...

(blingahs, yawl)

Something cramps Potter's style and makes he feel like a low swinger...

Dementors swarm up and make him fall too the floor...

And Wood thinks theres no hope for the cup for Gryffindor...

Now dementors are some nappy skanks...

They suck out the joy, and baby, boy do they STANK!!!.

(STANK!)

(whikey-whikey-whaaaachk)

There is only one way for the dementors not to own us…

And that is a funky, slamming TIGHT PATRONUS!!

So Potter goes and consults Professor Lupin...

(Whikey-whikey-whikwhik)

Now that man is fine and he's never stoopin'...

(Lupin, yawl, reconize)

To the crappy yappy attitude of Professor Snape...

That greasy, nappy, silky potions ape...

(Ape, yawl...no foolin')

NOW EVERYBODY SAY YEAAAAH!!!

(SAY YEAAAH!!!)

YEEEEEAH!!!

(SAY YEAAAH!!!)

YEEEEEAH!!!

So here we go…

Now one of Potter's friends is this half-giant twit...

His name's Hagrid, and he's rather a git...

But he teaches at the school, Care of Magical Creatures...

And has nappy hair and disgusting features...

(no lie, yawl)

So in his first lesson he brings the class a real "treat"...

Bunch o' crazy hippogriffs, one named BuckBeak..

And it nearly bites screxy Malfoy's arm in two...

(Aw naw...-whikey-)

And the hippogriff's sentenced for execution, oh poor Hagrid, BOOO FUCKIN HOOO!

Now on weekends, the students pimp in Hogsmeade..

Where the drink lots of butterbeer and even sneak some mead...

But Potter can't go cause he blew up his aunt...

(Blew 'er up, yawl)

But along come Fred and George Weasley, they ain't having none of that...

They say, "Hey Potter, here's a present for ya, dawg..."

"It's a map that'll help you keep a log..."

(whikey-whikey-whaaa)

"Of where everyone is in this here castle..."

"So you can join us up in Hogsmeade without no hassle..."

(no hassle, yawl)

So between dealing with Wood's Quidditch obsession...

(ob-sess-shawn!)

And Snape and McGonagall's negatory homework concession...

(cawn-sess-shawn!)

And the fact that Sirius Black is still on his tail...

(awn-his-tail!)

His two best friends fight to no avail...

(no a-vail! Awww...)

See, Ron's got dis rat named Scabbers...

A fat, ugly lug who looks like he came from the crappers...

(dah crappahs, yawl. Boomchk)

But lately he's been losing weight due to this f3wl cat CROOKSHANKS!!

Who's really kinda large and a bit of a skank...

(a skank naw)

It's Hermione's cat and then one day...

Ron goes up to his dorm after getting on some play...

And finds blood all over and his rat gone...

(whikey-werd, yawl)

And knows Crookshanks used it to satisfy his hunger, dats wrong...

(ain't right, yawl.)

Then Buckbeak's day to die comes...

And Potter goes to visit Hagrid with his two dawgs...

(his dawgs)

And when they're trying to get that big git not to cry...

Low and behold, what do there eyes SPY...

Scabbers in the milk jug, squirming around...

Ron tries to hold on to him, but he WANTS TO GET DOWN...

(GET DOOOOWN!)

But they gotta jet, so they don't get Hargrid in a fix...

Dat hippogriff's gotta die and there ain't nothing to do about IT...

So they run down the hill and here it get the axe...

(dah aks, yawl)

And Ron's trying to fight Scabbers, and Hermione just can't relax...

Then Scabbers gets away and Ron gives the chase...

But just them they all look to see a hairy face...

A big black dog is running towards them...

(aw naw...let it flow now)

It drags Ron away, Hermione's now coughing up some phlegm…

Into the roots of the Whomping Willow tree...

But the big twig almost kills Harry and Hermione...

But everyone say YEAAAH!!!

(SAY YEAAAH!!)

(boom-chk, boo-boo-chk)

YEEEEEEEAH!!!

(SAY YEAH!!)

And here we go...

So Crookshanks appears, slams a knot on the trunk...

And into the Whomping Willow roots the other two slunk...

(chik-chik-bam)

Following that foul cat till the tunnels' end...

And they find a small shack when they're turning a bend...

The run up the stairs, baby, what do they see?

Ron, his leg broken, yeah, and in the corner, something slim-ee...

Sirius Black come to snuff out Potter...

(snuff him out yawl)

To break up his body, send him into the rotter...

(whikey-whikey-whaaaaa)

Harry disarms him and almost looses his shit...

But then in burst Lupin to make sense of all of it...

He says "Look now, Potter, that's an innocent man..."

(Lupin, naw, reco'nize)

"He's not your parent's Secret Keeper, you just gotta understand..."

"Back in the day, Hogwarts had three unregistered Animagi..."

"They could turn into animals, I saw it with my own eye..."

"James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, and Sirius Black..."

(Sirius Black, yawl)

"Now put down your wands, and understand DAT!"

(undastand dat naw)

Sirisu Black said "Potter, Peter was the Secret Keeper..."

"I switched with him and now he's living as that creature.."

He turned his finger to Scabbers the rat...

(whikey-whikey-whaaa)

THEN SNAPE BURST IN BABY JUST LIKE DAT!

(like DAT!)

Everybody say YEAAAH!!!

SAY YEAHHH!

(YEEEEEEAH!!!!)

To make a long story shorter, Snape burst in the room...

Looked at Lupin and Black and said "You're coming with me soon..."

Then everyone disarmed him, knocking da sucka OUT...

(knocked him out naw)

The Lupin turned Scabbers back into the CHEATING SUCKER LOUT!!!

(suckahf3wl! chkchkwhikeywhaaaboom)

Back up to the castle, they lot of them went...

To talk to Pimp Daddy Dumbledore, about how the past hour was spent...

But when outside, out came da FULL MOON...

And turned out dear, hot Lupin into his wolf form...

Lupin ran for the woods and Sirius chased after him...

Giving birth to slash fangirl fantasies, a lot of them...

(dat's da truth, yawl)

Ron passed out on his leg, and Potter and Hermione heard Sirius...

The dementors were closing in, sucking him lifeless...

(aw nah!)

And right before Potter's world went black...

Something SILVERY AND WHITE GOT DA BROTHERS BACK.

(GOT DER BACK NAW!)

Moments later, he awoke in the hospital wing...

Peter had got away, and the Minister didn't believe a thing...

(That fewl)

So Hermione and Potter had to use a Time Turner...

To save Sirius Black, Potter's long lost godfather...

(better reconize)

En route to freedom, they also saved Buckbeak...

(da' bird, naw)

And Harry ran towards the lake, feeling very neat...

He needed to see who had conjured dat SILVER THING...

(coulda been his father yawl)

And low and behold, what did da f3wl see...

The biggest, most heinous travesty…

His other self on the lake's other side, dementor's closing in...

And he new what he had to do then...

(what's that naw?)

He thought "The only way for the dementors not to own us..."

"Is to conjure a FUNKY SLAMMING KICKING PATRONUS!!!"

(uh uh...funkay)

So he cast that spell and saved the day...

And he saved his godfather and that feathery almost-birday...

(go naw...let it flow yawl)

Some more notes to say before I go...

(whikey-whikwhik)

Before I let the rhyme die, and I cease my lyric flow...

Gryffindor won the Quidditch Cup, the House Cup too...

(those fewls)

And Lupin is too screxy for his own darn good...

So this was the story all about how...

Potter's life got flip turned upside down...

(awyeah, i head dat bassackwards, naw)

And how he found himself with a godfather figure...

That he could chill with, and who was quite the swinger...

(-screaming fangirl track-)

Now it's time for your MC and DJ to say goodnight...

(Aww yeh)

Thanks for listening to our tail of hope, love, and stryfe...

(Like a fox naw.)

That's all I gotta say in MC-land...

So, suckaf3wl you best UNDERSTAND!!

PEACE!!!!!

(*whikey-whikey-whaaaaaa* Peace out, yawl.)