Author's note: Hello, everyone! I'm terribly sorry for not putting this up earlier, but I had way too much homework! And I've also been working on chapter twelve at the same time plus a little spin-off of this fic, which is hard, since I know nothing of Resident Evil. N@talia will be helping me on that, fortunately. And, of course, the warning for this, past, and future chapters:

WARNING!! Severe anti-characterism. I have already acknowledged that, so don't waste your time telling me that. And I know Elves aren't as dumb as I depicted. I acknowledged that, too. Yes, and I have purposefully destroyed the symbolism the nine Fellowship members had, so I've acknowledged that and I probably messed up in the order of things, as well. Yes, I have to acknowledge everything because a lot of people out there have the compulsive need to correct everything that wasn't acknowledged to be done on purpose. I, unfortunately, am one of those people. =_=

Finally:

Liz's POV
I sprinted back the way I came, searching for the rest of the Fellowship. It didn't take long, because they were just exiting Moria. I ran up to Legolas and began screaming, "Oh, God! You have to help! It's Jen! She's in trouble! Please help!" along with a bunch of gibberish even I didn't understand. "What's wrong? Did we get lucky and she fell of the edge of a cliff?" a voice, which sounded suspiciously like Boromir's, asked sarcastically. I was ready to kick his butt when Gimli ran up and shouted heroically, "What ill fate has fallen my beloved?!" I didn't answer, but pulled the elf and the dwarf to where Jen was last seen.


She was still there, but it wasn't like she could have gone anywhere. She was lying on her side, still bleeding from her arm. Her eyes were closed and her face was calm. Aragorn had just run up, and began shuffling through a pack. He pulled out some jar and began talking to Legolas in Elvish, who nodded. As the elf pulled out the arrow, I gasped out, "EEW! God, that's the grossest thing I'll ever hear!"


It was a sort of mushy, squishy, slurping sound. The wound was bleeding stronger than ever, but Aragorn quickly tore a long strip of cloth from Jen's cloak and pressed it against the injury. He then cut off the sleeve, giving full view of the wound. It was only a puncture wound, but no doubt the muscle underneath was torn. Aragorn then opened the jar and scooped out some tar-looking stuff, smearing it over the gash. He tore more strips from her cloak and wrapped it around her arm, checking if it was secure.
After he was done, he reached down a patted her cheek. "Wake up. Wake up!" He began to shake her, but nothing worked. He was about to slap her when I stepped in, "Hey! She out cold and slapping her around isn't going to help." He scowled, "Night is falling and we've already wasted time healing your friend. We have to reach Lorien and seek protection from the elves."

"Then carry her!" I responded, folding my arms across my chest. He looked down at the still face of Jen and finally hauled her onto his back. We were just climbing down the rocky slope when I jumped onto Legolas' back yelling, "Give a piggy-back ride, too!" He tried to get me off, even with the help of Boromir, but I held fast and refused to be deprived of my future husband when he was real. He finally gave up and began to haul me down the hill. Aragorn handed Jen to Boromir about halfway down the long slope, and Legolas just let me hang from his neck. I could tell I was choking him, because he soon began to walk lopsided and made gargle noises. I let go, falling on my butt. What good would a strangled elf be as a husband?


Jen's POV
Something in my mind continued to scream, "You have to get up! Something is terribly wrong, get up!" but my muscles retaliated. I finally broke through the barrier of consciousness and unconsciousness. I opened my eyes slowly. It was sunset, giving my eyes the comfort from its glaring rays; though everything still seemed too bright. 'Could this be the tunnel everyone talks about?' I thought to myself. I dared to speak, testing if speech was allowed in Heaven or hell or wherever I was going. "Am I dead yet?" I whispered in a surprisingly hoarse voice; as if I had been to a concert and had just screamed my lungs out.


The ground stopped moving. "Hardly, you're just not used to such meager wounds," came the response. I frowned and tried to move, but my muscles only allowed my head to move. I saw that I was being carried on Boromir's back. "What. . .?" I questioned myself. "Are you fit to walk?" I heard a voice. I turned to the sound. "She'd better be," Boromir growled. He let his arms slip from underneath me. I tried to keep myself from falling my grasping at the warrior's neck. Flashes of pain welted up my arm as I did so, and I quickly let go, falling to the ground.


"Jen, you okay?" Liz asked from beside me, helping me up. "How dare you treat my betrothed such?! On your guard, man!" Gimli called out. "Betrothed?!" I questioned Liz. "He's just been calling you that for the past five minutes," she responded as I just sat there. Aragorn walked over and grabbed my arm. "Hey!" I called out painfully. He undid the bandages and pulled out a funny looking jar. I looked at my wound and quickly looked away. I always had trouble looking at cut, scabs, and the like. He spread some black goop on my arm and fire burst up into my shoulder. I screamed in pain. "AH! What the hell is that stuff?!" I yelled. "It's orc crap," Liz informed. I squealed in disgust, but Aragon quickly told me other wise, which I was more ready to believe. I glared at Liz's grin and grit my teeth. Aragorn ripped my cloak and wrapped the fabric around my injury.


I looked down at the remains of my cloak and sighed. Half of it was torn off, leaving it looking like a rag stuck to my shoulders. I got up and followed after the Fellowship, growing uneasy as night fell onto the woods. 'Night? What if the blasted elves don't show up?' I asked myself, cursing under my breath at the fact that I may be the cause of the death of the entire Fellowship should the orcs come as Aragorn promised.


"Our wedding will have every one of my relatives present, so there may not be any room for your family. No cakes, either. They give my family gas. And my father must do the sermon. It's a family tradition. . ." the dwarf explained from beside me. I ignored him, not wanting to waste my already low energy. "And don't give me too many children. Just lots of steamy-"


"Okay, that's enough from you, dwarf," I snarled, losing my patience. He quickly shut his mouth, which everyone within earshot was grateful for. He cowered to the back of the Fellowship with the hobbits.


We continued walking through the wood, and I was growing nervous. I was sure the elves weren't going to show up. I was somewhat relieved when arrows were pointed at my head, though I knew I shouldn't have been. The apparent leader of the group came forth and commented on the dwarf's loud breathing. "Yo Haldir! Wassup, my homie?!" Liz exclaimed, holding her hand out for a low-five. "Don't leave me hanging, G-Dog!" He looked at her strangely, but averted his attention as Aragorn shoved her aside and began talking to him in Elvish. Haldir looked over the group and commanded the archers to lower their weapons, with a sigh of relief coming from most of the Fellowship.


He led us through the forest, and Aragorn pointed out roots for the hobbits, the dwarf, Liz, and I, which Boromir and Legolas were having no trouble hopping over. Darkness quickly penetrated through the forest, and the pace of the Lorien elves quickened, their lantern's light casting eerie shadows on their long faces. We finally reached the elven haven, much to my relief. Galadriel and Celeborn glowed their usual glow while waking down the steps. I wanted to shield my eyes, but that could be considered rude. . "Nine there were set out from Rivendell yet eigh- Wait. . .ten?" he said, counting once again. "*cough*Gandalf*cough*" And new enlightened expression crept up his face, "Tell me where is Gandalf? For I much desire to speak with him.

"He has fallen into shadow," the Elven Lady said with a creepy tone to her voice. She began her usual speech that came around at this point of the "movie". I half expected a lecture in my head, but nothing came. I looked intently at her face, waiting for her voice. She did nothing but smile and continue her lecture.


We dispersed soon after, and walked about a bit. I just followed the hobbits, and they led me to the area shown in the movie. It was better in person, and the bitter-sweet smell of pines swept into my nose and the trees were taller than I would have thought, considering their tops were cut off by the screen. I rested my eyes for about twenty minutes, lulled by the sound of the branches swaying overhead. I opened them again when the hobbits were making too much noise. Legolas showed up, giving his "Lament to Gandalf" speech; one of his longest lines in the entire movie. "For me the grief is still too near."


"Oh, jeez! Go cry me a river ya big baby. It's not like Gandalf's really de-hey! Yes. Yes, grieve, fair prince, for we will never see the great and noble man again. Never, ever, ever," I said, completely waking up after my mistake. I ignored everyone's glares and strange glances and looked at his hands. "Is that water?!" I asked hopefully. I didn't wait for an answer. I grabbed for it, but he pulled it out of my grip. "Come on! I haven't drunken anything for the past three days! I'm dying . . .of . . .thirst!" I called. "You can have some of mine," Pippin said behind me. I grabbed the water skin and downed it in one gulp. I wiped my mouth and looked for any more water. I drank Merry's as well, and was satisfied for the moment.


"I can't believe this," a voice yelled from behind me. "We finally find some civilization, and what do we have to sleep on?! The dirt!" Liz exclaimed. She halted, looking at Legolas and blinking slowly. The elf grew nervous and began to back away. She suddenly cried out, "I MISSED IT!! SAY IT AGAIN! LAMENT! LAMENT!!" she screamed, grabbing the poor elf's arm. He wrestled out of her grasp, briefly touching her hand to his mouth, and ran away to the direction he came from. She sat down and looked at her hand. "Behold the Holy Hand," she whispered. I shook my head and jumped at a tap on my shoulder.


I turned and saw a female elf with a deep brown bag swung over her shoulder. "Yes?" I asked. "I've come to mend your wounds," she said quietly. She led me away and undid my makeshift bandages. She placed a more soothing ointment on my arm and dressed it with actual bandages. I thanked her and walked off, searching for new clothes. Having only one sleeve may be appreciated by Liz, but not me.


I found Celeborn in one of the gardens. "Yo!" I called out. He flinched, then spun around. He scowled. "Be gone, mortal. I do not wish to be disturbed." I frowned, not appreciating the rudeness. "I'm sure Galadriel would not approve of such behavior. Nor the affairs. . ." I trailed off, rolling my eyes innocently. He shot up bolt right. "I have no idea what you talk about," he claimed. "Uh huh, and I'm sure that Thranduil's concubines wouldn't know either," I said, taking a wild guess. "Of course not! It was only Théoden's ex-wife!!!" I rolled my eyes again, pointing out his mistake. His eyes just went as wide as dinner plates. "Don't worry. I'll keep your secret as long as you get me new clothes," I said simply. He just glared unhappily.

* * * * * * * * *

I had just pulled my new, deep green tunic over my head, when a sudden crunch caused me to turn sharply. I gasped. There was Merry, mouth gaping and eyes wide. ". . .MERRY!!!" I screamed, scrambling to the hobbit. He ran away, afraid to be victim of my wrath. I ran into the small area where most of the Fellowship could be found and saw Merry hiding behind a smirking Gimli. He waltzed up to me. "I hear from the young hobbit that you look quite well without your shirt. Mind if I take a peek?" he said, already taking the liberty to reach towards my shirt. "Over my dead body," I said through gritted teeth. "So when you die I can-"

"NO!" I shouted at the stout figure. "And I was wearing a bra!" I added as I walked away. From the look on his face I could tell he didn't know what a bra was, but I didn't care. I continued to but on my gloves and searched through Liz's purse to find a small brush. I combed through my tangled hair and found that everyone was still giving me strange looks.

"What?" I asked. Liz coughed and stroked her cheek. I got up and waked to a birdbath-looking thing filled with water. I saw that my face was a mess. It was covered with dirt and blood. Taking off my gloves, I scooped a handful of water and scrubbed it against my face. I repeated the ritual several times and allowed the water to settle. I was content that my face was as clean as it could get without soap. I walked back to the group, glanced at Liz, and was satisfied after a thumbs-up. I sat back down on the grass next to Liz and studied everyone as they began to fall asleep. As my eyes fell onto the sleeping elf, I cringed. "He looks like he's dead," I whispered to Liz. "He does not! He looks sooo cute!" she responded cheerily. "I dare you to walk over and poke his eye," I urged. "I'd never do that," she said defensively. I wasn't about to do it either. He wasn't the happiest guy even with his eyeball intact. "Fine," I replied, growing bored once more.
I grew sleepy, and felt my eyes slowly drift closed.

~"Here you go, dude. A nice, new, bird-like thingy for you. It's been past down to everyone daughter in my family, and now it goes to you. Hope you like," a musical voice chimed through the forest. I walked forward, unsure of what was happening. "Here you go, Rohan dude and little hobbit freaks of which I will not bestow fireworks. Some shiny belts to keep those pants up, you little gang-banger hoodlums," a beautiful, glowing woman said, handing the three gold and silver belts. "Ah, yes. For you, Samwise Gangrene {purposefully misspelled}, I give you a box of dirt. The Holy Worms of the Valar have chewed it, therefore granting it amazing fertility. And, since I'm such an egomaniac, I've engraved my initial on the box. Enjoy," she recited, reaching behind her a taking out a container from nowhere. "I grant you a bow. What else could you ask for?" she asked, reaching once again into nothingness and pulling out a bow and quiver, handing it to the eager elf.

"Golly Gee! What I always wanted!" everyone who had gotten their gifts so far chanted in unison. "What would you like, son of Groin {once again, purposefully misspelled}?" the woman asked. "Nothing," the dwarf whispered. "That is, nothing but a lock of my darlings hair. No soil as rich as all of the kings could be so beautiful," he called, pointing to me. "Huh?" I asked stupidly, though I knew what was happening. I tried to protest, but only "Huh?"s came from my lips. Someone suddenly grabbed my hair and yanked it back. I screamed, but the hand let go, only with a handful of hair. "Glorfindel? What the hell you doing with my hair?!" I screeched, grabbing for the retreating body. My hand went straight through him. I blinked, stumbling away. He gave the dwarf his hair and smiled like a clam. The Elven Lady turned to me and asked, "What would you like?"

"I'd like my hair back!!" I screeched. She blinked and suddenly ate her hand. My hair miraculously grew back, and she waved her stump that used to be a hand at Legolas. Liz suddenly popped out from behind the elf and ran up to Galadriel, grinning like a clam as well. "What would you like?"

"Marriage to Legolas!!" she sighed and yelled at the same time. Legolas then sprout eagle wings and soared high above the group. "MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! YOU SHALL NEVER CATCH ME!!" he shrieked. He suddenly pulled out a bazooka from his hair and blasted everyone to bits. Fire exploded into my vision and everything went black.~



I woke up to someone poking my shoulder. "What's wrong?" I asked groggily. "Come on, it's already seven in the morning!" Liz replied, pulling at my hair. "Stop it! Seven is sleep time," I cried, slapping her hands away. She continued to pull my hair until I got up. Brushing off the dirt from my butt, I stretched and walked over to the bird bath-thingy to wake myself fully. I dried my face and walked around to stretch my legs. I saw the dwarf snarling and the elf, who was standing several feet away. He didn't look too happy either. Weren't they supposed to be getting along and, eventually, become lifelong friends? This just makes things much more difficult.


"Listen, you go over there and apologize to the dude over there for whatever went wrong," I ordered Gimli. "A dwarf will never apologize to an ELF!! However, if you would, say, give me a kiss, I will," he replied slyly. "I'll blow you a kiss." The dwarf considered that deal for several moments. "Good enough!" he reasoned. I blew him his kiss and he walked over the elf who had most likely had been listening to the conversation. I grew happy when the two actually found that they both liked women. No brainier there. Anyways, I walked back to the hobbits who seemed to be eating something like bread. Liz was eating among them and the five of them looked like little nibbling chipmunks. I sat down between Liz and Pippin and asked for some.
I found that the foodstuff was quite delicious.

"What is this stuff?" I asked with a mouthful of it. Liz had just stuffed about three into her mouth and now was trying to answer my question. "Ifst shmam," she mumbled. I raised an eyebrow as she began swallowing the huge bite to restate her reply. "It's cram. Gimli found some in his pack. It's good!" Merry replied quickly before stuffing more of the food into his mouth. I looked at Liz and began choking on too big and hurried a bite. I looked back over to Liz, who was once again stuffing her mouth. "How many of these things did you eat?" I asked with incredulousness in my voice. She stopped her mad chewing to count on her fingers. When she got to about fifteen, she shrugged an "I don't know" and continued chewing. I shook my head, wondering how she remained so thin after eating so much still perplexed me. I grew full and walked about some more, taking in the scenery. I looked over and saw that Gimli and Legolas weren't talking anymore. I whistled slightly and caught Gimli's attention. I blew him a reminder kiss and pointed to the elf leaning against a tree. He looked confused, but still turned. . .and blew a kiss at the elf. Legolas cast a scared glance and backed away slightly while I smacked a hand to my head.


"You moron, talk to him. Talk!" I said when I reached Gimli. He face lit up with a renewed understanding, but quickly darkened after registering the task he must do. "That crazy elf knows nothing. It's like talking to a tree that only insults back," he growled. "And I'm sure you repay those insults," I added. "Only with good reason."


"And what reason would that be?"


"He's an elf." I just scowled and pointed to the elf like a mother would point to a dirty room that needs to be clean. Gimli stayed right where he was. "Give me another kiss. A real one," he said defiantly. I sighed. "Fine, but close your eyes. And only on the cheek," I said warily. He followed, a funny looking grin covering his face. I moved my hand into a sort of mouth shaped figure and pressed it against the grisly side of his face. I quickly recoiled and wiped the hand roughly against the side of my pants to get the grease off. The dwarf still had his eyes closed, but that grin turned into a beam. He suddenly opened his eyes and . . .sort of squealed a dwarfy squeal. He ran over to the elf and tried to converse once more. I walked away to find if Celeborn could once again do me a favor.

* * * * * * * *

"Live here!?!?" the Elven Lord screamed. "Yup. I'm tired of adventuring so I think it'd be nice if you gave me a house. A nice, tall tree house," I answered calmly. He fumed and ranted how he hated the fact that one other than an elf would live in Lorien. I just stood there, not really caring or showing emotion. When he was finished and was taking back the air he lost while yelling, I spoke up. "Listen, unless you get me a house here, I'll tell everyone about your little adultery." His face seemed to redden, but he suddenly realized something I was hoping to keep hidden. "I'll just deny the entire thing! It's your word against mine! HAHAHA!" he said, sounding almost like a madman. I sighed, knowing I was defeated, and walked away from the disturbed elf.

* * * * * * * *

Saruman's POV {there really aren't many out there, huh}
"Hunt them down! Do not stop until they are found! You do not know pain! You do not know fear! You will taste man flesh!" I yelled, harvesting the fetid creatures' vigor. I turned the disgusting creature behind me. "One of the halflings carries something of great value. There are also two more humans, each carrying a pendant like the one I showed you. Bring them all to me alive and unspoiled. Kill the others." Lurtz roared and turned, heading out for his mission. I know they will not fail, for lest they do, they should not return.

Hmm. . .not as funny as the last chapters. Sorry! *runs about looking for lost talent* Forgive me, please! Tell me how you like (or dislike. . .)