The White Lady of the Ring
(fanfic: Earthsea Trilogy, Volume II: The Tombs of Atuan)
by Annasibs
Part III: The Shadows Follow Tenar
THE DAYS THAT FOLLOWED saw a restlessness grow in Tenar. She still kept to herself, seeing only Ged and Mirai, and staying away from places where she might encounter either Remier or Feliste. Sometimes she saw Feliste from her window, wandering with her maids, or when the princess came to visit Sparrowhawk, whose condition was always inquired about, as he was held in high esteem all over Havnor. In those visits, the young princess behaved less haughtily toward Tenar, as if recognizing a status and power higher than her own. Nevertheless, there was a coldness about her that made Tenar shiver. Mirai's words had made her wary. Of Remier, Tenar saw nothing, although flowers still came to her doorstep every morning. Thinking that the flowers upset her charge instead of pleased her, Mirai had taken care not to let Tenar see them anymore, although Tenar was very much aware that they still came.
The restlessness Tenar bore was not borne out of boredom, as she had once thought, but rather of an increasing desire to get out of the palace. She could not bear the thought of not being able to leave her room without feeling that she is watched by invisible human eyes, so like the eyes of the poor soulless creatures doomed in the Painted Room in the Labyrinth of Atuan. Tenar very well knew that the darkness can heighten your terror, knowing that your enemy is somewhere near. You cannot see him but you know he is there, and thus you shall always be on the watch. In the light you can see so many things around you, and yet you can never know for sure who is out to help you and who is out to harm you. Lower your guard and your enemy will strike without your knowing it.
Tenar had left her enemies behind her buried in a faraway island east of Havnor. They could not follow her and harm her now; how can shadows of darkness harm anyone in the light? But the light also poses threats: it can set you blind.
It was clear to Tenar that the Princess Feliste hates her. But she could not understand why. Tenar knows what jealousy is like; she has seen it before among the novices and minor priestesses in Atuan, and in High Priestess Kossil herself. She knows how strong jealousy can be and what it can do when it is strong enough. How strong is Feliste's jealousy? Is it enough to harm her?
The days that followed allowed Tenar to solve these questions. For after her encounter with the princess, the few people that she saw whenever she goes out of her rooms would glance furtively at her and whisper among themselves. At one instance, she saw someone spit on the ground she had tread on. Tenar could not fully understand what they had spoken but she often caught the words "dark soul" and "servant of evil."
At first she ignored the matter, hoping it would go away. But it did not; it grew worse each day. Feliste, perhaps with the magic Mirai claimed she uses, must have somehow made them believe that she is nothing but an enchantress who tricked all of them, even one of the greatest and wisest wizards of Earthsea. It hurt her to realize that the people who had welcomed her to Havnor for the future she sought now abhorred her for the past she left behind. That people, whom she believed were children of the light, possessed a darkness in their spirit. Havnor, to Tenar, is no longer the city of pure bright light as she had thought it before. The light had faded. Not even Mirai, her only believer, could console her hurt.
Tenar hoped she could hide the pain and confusion that she felt whenever she is with Ged. She knew that he would not condemn her, for he knew the whole truth, but she did not want him to lose strength by worrying over her. However, as Ged's strength grew, so did his alertness. His eyes were as sharp and piercing as a hawk; Tenar heartily believes that his eyes could see through her soul.
True enough, Ged had watched her every move as soon as he was able to sit up and noticed the confusion and restlessness growing within her. But, as he was wont to, he never said a word.
He did speak up one afternoon. Tenar had brought her embroidery to Ged's room. She took pleasure in watching him sleep in the afternoon; she always took pleasure and comfort from the fact that one as powerful as he could sleep so soundly like a babe. But not this time, however. Tenar sat by Ged's window, her elbow resting on the sill and her palm cradling her cheek. Her eyes were shining with unshed tears. The embroidery frame lay forgotten on her lap.
Ged woke up seeing her thus. He sat up yawning and rubbed his hand over his face. Tenar was so deep in her thoughts that she did not notice her patient rise and lean out of the window in front of her.
"What a pleasure it is to stretch my legs once more," he said. "I think I miss the feel of the ground on my bare feet."
"Sparrowhawk!" Tenar exclaimed. "It is very cold. You should stay in bed if you don't want to catch the cold."
She wiped her face with the back of her hand and moved to stand up, meaning to force him back to bed. But Ged raised a hand to stop her. Tenar sank back on her chair.
"Nay, Tenar, I feel stiff from lying for days," he said. "Don't worry, I feel warm enough."
Ged sat down on the chair facing Tenar and stared at her. Resigned, Tenar sighed and resumed her earlier pose.
"Something is bothering you," Ged suddenly said. "Methinks, the sooner we leave Havnor the better it would be for you."
Tenar did not reply. She went on staring yet unseeing outside the window. Ged seemed unsatisfied with her silence. He stood up before her and touched her arm.
"What's wrong, little one?" he coaxed her gently.
Tenar slowly raised her head from her arms and looked up to face him. Her eyes were full of tears. Then, she burst out crying, her beautiful face distorted by anguish.
"I am not evil, am I, Ged? Please tell me I am not evil!"
Ged gathered her in his arms. "Hush now, little one. You are not evil. You can't be evil. We know that, don't we?"
"The darkness has followed me from Atuan," Tenar sobbed against the rough cloth of Ged's shirt. "It will follow me wherever I go."
Ged's face darkened for a moment, as if reminded of a painful past. But his face at once cleared, as if nothing happened.
"No, Tenar, you don't have a dark shadow following you. Believe me, little one. You are free. A darkness exists in every man, it is true. But as long as your will remains strong, it will never harm you again."
Tenar said nothing. She cried for a long time, releasing all the hurt and confusion that had plagued her from the time she had set eyes on Princess Feliste. Ged held her and let her cling to him, as if she was drowning and he was the only thing she found she could float on.
After a while, her sobs died. Slowly, she disengaged herself from Ged's embrace and sank back to her chair. Ged did the same. Tenar picked the embroidery frame that fell on the floor from her lap and made a few stitches. But she had already lost heart in the task and replaced the frame in the sewing basket lying beside her chair. Both of them sat still, the silence punctuated by occasional sniffs from Tenar.
"Ged, what will I do in Gont?" she suddenly asked of him.
Ged smiled at her. "What will you do in Gont? What do you wish to do in Gont?"
"I don't know."
The silence resumed. Tenar leaned her head once more on the windowsill while Ged continued to regard her thoughtfully. After a long time, she turned back to him.
"Can I be a prentice sorcerer, Ged?"
"If you wish to. You are wise enough to control power."
"I'm not certain I can," she replied. Suddenly, she smiled through her tears. "You know, Mirai once told me that I'd make a good princess. What do princesses really do, Ged?"
"Nothing much. In fact, they live ordinary lives like most of us. They try to be dutiful daughters. When they marry, they take care of their families, like ordinary mothers, like ordinary wives."
"I cannot remember my own mother. All I can recall is a voice and a fire on a hearth. Ged, can I raise a family of my own?"
Ged was slow to answer. "Tenar," he said after a long while, "you can do anything you wish when we get to Gont. There you can find peace and silence. No one can harm you there. Later, if you wish to leave, you may do so and I won't stop you. But whatever you do, my promise still stands. Call me if you need me, and I will come to you. Even from my grave, I will come to you. I made you that promise before, remember? You can always count on that."
"If peace and silence lies in Gont," Tenar replied, "I will stay there and I will never leave it. That is one thing I am sure to do."
Ged smiled at her tenderly as he reached out and wiped away the tears from her face.
oOo
GED SOON FULLY RECOVERED his strength. As he told Tenar, he did miss the feel of the ground on his bare feet. As soon as he could, he began to spend most of his time outdoors, engaging other young men in games of sport, gearing for the journey he and Tenar would soon make for Gont. Tenar found herself with more time in her hands, which she often spent wandering in the gardens or combing the beach with Mirai. Sometimes, Ged went with them, keeping the conversation in Hardic so that Tenar would gain more fluency of the language and Mirai would not shy out of talking. Ged also augmented the lessons Mirai gave Tenar in reading runes.
One afternoon when Ged was not with them, Tenar and Mirai spent most of the day in a fishing village near the New Palace, talking with the housewives, helping with their chores and playing with their children. They have taken easily to the white-skinned young lady who spoke their language in a strange, stilted way. Tenar found the villagers unspoiled, for they have not received the poison-dust Feliste had scattered to the winds of Havnor. To them, she was not a former Priestess, nor the bearer of the Ring, but merely a friendly stranger.
Late that afternoon, on their way back to the palace, Tenar and Mirai found Prince Remier sitting on the steps of the kitchen entrance, which they use when going out. The prince stood up upon seeing them. Tenar could see that the dark expression on Remier's face had grown darker than before.
"Good afternoon, ladies," he greeted them. "White Lady, may I have a word with you?"
Tenar stole a glance at Mirai, who bowed her head and stepped behind her mistress.
"What is it that you need to speak of, my lord?" Tenar replied.
"I can't say it until I am sure that we are alone."
Mirai curtseyed and made for the palace kitchen, leaving Tenar and the prince standing alone in the courtyard. Tenar watched the maid go with her face devoid of expression, concealing the apprehension she felt within. She turned to the prince.
"Very well, my lord. What is it that you have to say?"
But instead of speaking, Remier stood there rubbing his chin and staring at her, a tiny smile playing on his face. Tenar's apprehension turned to annoyance. Then, after a few moments, the smile on the prince's face faded. Remier cleared his throat.
"White One," he said, "when will the lord mage sail for Gont?"
Tenar sighed irritably. "In three days, my lord."
"Ah, so soon. And, shall you come with him?"
"But of course, my lord."
Again, Remier fell silent and thoughtfully regarded her. Tenar could feel the tiny hairs at the back of her neck stand up under his stare. She wished the prince would talk soon so that she could return to her chamber.
"My lord, I am cold--"
"You are cold? Well then, allow me to warm you, White One."
Remier reached for her hands and grasped them before Tenar could pull them away. Tenar struggled to free herself but the prince's hands were holding hers too tightly.
"Prince Remier, let me go!"
"I wish I could, White Lady."
Remier's grip on her hands grew tighter. Tenar winced in pain.
"My lord," she cried, "please leave me be. I have not wronged you. Why won't you leave me in peace?"
"Because you never leave me any peace, White One."
Remier suddenly released her and turned away. Caressing her swollen hands, Tenar ran towards the kitchen entrance, her long braids flying behind her.
"White Lady! Don't leave me yet!" Remier called. "I haven't said what I needed to speak!"
Tenar stopped running but did not return to him. Remier walked towards her and reached for her hands once more, but she pushed them within her cloak and glared at him. Her face was hard and stubborn. The prince let his arms fall to his sides and sighed.
"Very well, I shan't keep you any further. I have a great favor to ask of you." Tenar frowned at him questioningly. To her surprise, the prince fell on one knee before her and bowed.
"White Lady," he said, "will you stay here in Havnor and be my wife?"
"Wh-what?" Tenar stammered in disbelief.
Remier stood up and lay his hands on her shoulders. Tenar could see ardent longing clearly etched on the prince's handsome face. But in a corner of his eye, she caught a glimpse of something she could not understand. She stepped away from him.
"White Lady, White Lady," cried Remier, extending his palms toward her, "I beg of you, don't look at me like that! Please, White Lady, stay in Havnor and be my wife. You shall be a princess, showered with riches, adored by everyone, with power resting at the palm of your lovely white hand. I will make you happy, I promise, as long as you would stay and be my wife."
"But you are already spoken for, my lord. You can't promise me something you have already promised someone else," Tenar replied.
"What do you mean? Feliste? She does not mean anything to me. Believe me, White One. My cousin is adorable, of course, but that is all there is. White Lady, it is you that I desire as my princess. It is you that I love."
Tenar stared at Remier, her eyes wide with bewilderment. Love. The prince has finally confessed to loving her. But what kind of love does he profess? Tenar had known only one kind of love in her whole life, in her many lifetimes. The warmth of her old guardian Manan's embrace, and the vague memory of a hearth and a voice calling her home. Where is the warmth of Remier's love? Tenar could not feel it.
"White Lady," Remier was saying, "please say that you love me. Please say you'll be my wife. I promise you, I'll do everything in my power to make you happy."
A vision of herself appeared in Tenar's mind. A lovely, misty vision of silks and satins, of velvets, crowns and jewels, a life of ease and plenty, of people bowing and curtseying and kissing her hand, obeying her whims and listening to what she has to say, of the power to do as she pleases. A princess, mistress of a castle and of a kingdom. What a beautiful life it could be.
And yet, was it not power she had left behind back in Atuan? Was she not Arha the Reborn, the highest of the High Priestesses in all Kargad? All the novices, the priestesses, the eunuchs and the guards of the Place of the Tombs went down on one knee at her approach and called her mistress. The holiest of all the holy rites were for her to perform. Power had lain in her hands; the High Priestess Kossil tried to kill her because of that power. For all that power, she never felt peace in that sacred ground in the middle of the desert in Atuan.
Tenar knew that life in Havnor as Remier's wife would be a life similar to the life she turned her back on as First Priestess of the Tombs. She would never be happy in a palace where, for all its shining exterior, dark corners exist, wherein shadows lie lurking, in forms as beautiful as that of Princess Feliste. It will be dark prison with a golden door.
When was the first time she felt truly happy? Tenar felt her mind return to a time so long ago, a lifetime ago, back on the cold mountains west of Atuan. At that moment, as if she never left, she could smell the scent of trees she did not even know exist, drifting on the fresh winter wind blowing at her hair. At that moment, she watched birds flying above the woods around her, their song blending with the melody of the stream flowing down from the mountain peak. Life was hard then, with only dry bread and nuts stolen from a squirrel's hoard for food, dirty rags for protection against the winter cold, and the hard ground to sleep on. But at that time, Tenar felt that a kind of sweetness she had never known before. A sweetness that had coursed through her body and penetrated her soul. At that time in the Western Mountains, Tenar discovered two things important to life: peace and freedom. She will never give it up again.
Suddenly, as if she had wakened from a very long and very deep sleep, Tenar's eyes opened to a great truth in her life. She cannot swear love and loyalty to Remier, not now, not ever. For though she had just realized it, she had already given her vow to someone else, the one who had rescued her once from the depths of darkness. She felt no regrets and would not turn back.
Remier stood before her, waiting for her answer. Tenar took a deep breath. She had nothing else to say.
"Prince Remier," she began, "I am sorry, but I cannot do as you say. I am not the suitable wife for you. My lord, I do not belong here in Havnor. I seek freedom from the darkness of Atuan and I have not found it yet, even in this your shining city. I will never be happy here; neither can you stay happy with me. Keep your promise to Princess Feliste. She will appreciate your gift more than I ever could."
Tenar expected the prince to accept her word graciously and go. But Remier remained standing there before her. Gone was the look of the ardent lover wooing his bride. In its stead was the blackest scowl Tenar had not seen for a long time. Remier grabbed her shoulders and gave them a violent shaking.
"How could you say such a thing!" Remier growled. "How could you refuse such an honor I never have offered voluntarily to anyone else?"
"I was merely being truthful!" Tenar gasped. "My lord, you're hurting me!"
Remier suddenly released her and watched her fall on a crumpled heap at his feet. With much effort, Tenar sat up and rubbed her own shoulders, wincing in pain as she did.
"Priestess!" Remier spat. "No one has ever dared refuse me in my entire life. I'll have you yet, I swear that!"
He stormed away, leaving Tenar on the ground, writhing in anger, in indignation, and in fear.
Dusk had fallen. Darkness had already spread itself like a blanket on the palace gardens. As Tenar rose to her feet, from the corner of her eye she saw, as fast as the wind itself, an ethereal veil flying in the air from behind one of the decorative marble pillars in the garden, to the shadowy regions beyond.
Part I: The Return of the Ring
Part II: The Shadows Emerge
Part III: The Shadows Follow Tenar
Part IV: A Promise is Fulfilled
When the Hawk Flew Home