A wave of rainbow energy blasted the base. The satellite dish was torn apart instantaneously. Power cables snapped apart. And most important of all... Materia shattered and released it's devastating effects.
Aeris screamed as a piece of Lightning materia shattered, causing electricity to blow out the circuit boards of the computers. A piece of Fire materia set the wall on fire. Aeris pulled out a piece of summon materia.
"Ramuh! I choose you!" Aeris threw the summon materia. Ramuh appeared.
"You summoned me- Ahhhhhh!" Ramuh screamed as he clutched his head. Aeris gasped and looked down as the materia shattered. Ramuh burst into a wave of energy, which pretty much collapsed the room.
The wave from the satellite struck the helicopters and the jets. The jets, running on Mako energy, instantly burst into flames. The helicopter, which did not use Mako, survived the blast. Scarlet glanced at her shard of Luck Plus materia. It glowed strangely, but didn't shatter. They were just barely out of range of the devastating effects of the satellite.
"Hey! There's a big spot on the map!" Cloud shouted.
"Oh... That was just Barret, he spit some coffee on it when he heard that Marlene was the main villain in Final Fantasy VIII," Tifa replied. Cloud shook his head. "Cait Sith also dropped a magnet on it." Cloud still shook his head. "Then what?" She turned as she saw a huge section of the map glowing. "Ohh... That spot..."
"Damn materia!" Aeris coughed as she struggled to climb out of the destroyed complex. She gasped as she cut herself on a plank of wood. Occasionally a sparks would fly from the wreckage and cause Aeris to turn away from the dangerous light. She coughed as she staggered away from the building. She fell face first into the snow. Aeris didn't need her materia to know that she would die here without any food or warmth or materia for that matter. She looked around the desolate landscape to see a figure coming towards her. "What?"
"Wooheehoo!" a chocobo hopped over to her. Aeris smiled a painful smile.
"I didn't even need Chocobo Lure..." Aeris carefully mounted the chocobo and rode off.
"What do you mean?" Cloud demanded. Tifa and Cid looked at him funny.
"Umm... We didn't say anything Cloud," Barret took a sip of coffee.
"I know... I just thought it sounded cool to start this section with a question," Cloud straightened his bow tie and grinned. Tifa sighed.
"If you really want to get this fic started, you'll need to know what we're dealing with," Tifa replied. She walked over to a board. An image of a massive satellite came up. "This is the Goldenmateria satellite. It was built by Square initially to blow up every gold copy of Zelda. Not just the Ocarina of Time... But any gold Zelda! But Square abandoned the project after they lost funding."
"Why'd they lose funding?" Cloud asked. Tifa shrugged.
"Something about the swirling SaGa Frontier logo causing spasms or something..." Tifa replied. "Anyway... The satellite was thrown out and ended up being programmed in Final Fantasy VII. If you squint really hard during Bahamut ZERO, you can see it in the background," Tifa stated. Barret nodded.
"And I use 'em when I do Satellite Beam!" Barret smiled. Tifa turned back to the display.
"Anyway... There were three of them. Nayru, Farore, and Din... Barret bought one of them and Shin-Ra bought the others." (Zelda 64)
"I got it at da Auction House in FF6! I kicked da crap out of dat kid dat out bid me for an electronic Chocobo!" Barret took another sip of coffee. (Final Fantasy 6 of course!) Tifa growled at being interrupted.
"Anyway... Shin-Ra was working on them with the space program and now someone is obviously using them!" Tifa said in frustration.
"And if da Shin-Ra iz involved, we get to kick some Shin-Ra #*@!" Barret laughed.
"I give up! I don't need this!" Tifa stalked out. Barret shrugged.
"Wonder what her problem iz..." Barret got up. "But to continue on... We'll be sendin' you to Midgar to gather information about who's got the sattelite." Barret gestured for Cloud to follow. They walked into a laboratory testing top secret accessories and equipment.
"We've prepared some crazy gadgets for you to use," Barret told Cloud. He reached on the table and took a pen. "Here! Dis pen explodes!" Cloud looked at it suspiciously.
"Hmm... Interesting thing for a pen to do..." Cloud thought aloud. Barret plucked a watch off of another table.
"This will be your new watch. It tells the time and has a laser!!" Barret shook it in front of him. Cloud shrugged and pulled up his sleeve. He had about ten watches on.
"I have about five watches that do that..." Cloud examined them. "Oh! If you press this one, it blows up Cait Sith!" Barret growled and handed him the watch. Barret walked by as a weapon's tester was catapulted out of a car.
"We've also taken da liberty of gettin' you a new set of wheels," Barret gestured to the car.
"That's not new! You just took the Buggy and added a sickly looking 007 to the side of it!" Cloud shouted. Barret grinned.
"I painted it myself!" Barret said with pride. Cloud sighed.
"Well... Its back to Midgar for me."
Cait Sith stood in front of a street corner. He checked his watch and then tapped it.
"Hmm... I wish my watch had a laser..." Cait Sith sighed. "Then I wouldn't need an envelope opener." Cloud walked past Cait Sith whistling. Cait Sith immediately spotted him.
"Hey! Wait!" Cait Sith cried. Cloud turned.
"Oh! Here you go old friend," Cloud tossed the man a nickel. Cait Sith grabbed it and pinched it in frustration.
"I appreciate the thought, but I'm not looking for money!" Cait Sith snapped. Cloud shrugged.
"Well I'm all out of booze so-" Cloud began. Cait Sith shook him.
"Cloud!" Cait Sith interrupted him.
"I'm sorry, but I'm looking for a secret agent. I don't have time to waste, although I'm an expert at picking such individuals out of a crowd," Cloud straightened his bow tie.
"It's me! The secret agent!" Cait Sith shouted. Cloud narrowed his eyes.
"Secret agent? You're not making yourself very secretive!" Cloud snapped. "Are you sure you're a secret agent?"
"Yes!" Cait Sith said in a lower voice. Cloud nodded.
"OK. If you say so... It was either going to be you or that suspicious looking man over there," Cloud pointed to Red XIII.
"Well you guessed wrong Cloud," Red XIII walked out from the alley. "I'm the secret agent and I'm not a man! Cait Sith is merely my accomplice." Cait Sith crossed her arms.
"And I have to take this abuse from a lion that uses a comb for battle?" Cait Sith replied. Red XIII gestured to a car in the alley.
"We'll talk while you drive. I can't manage the vehicle myself and Cait Sith ran over a man trying to sell batteries. At least you have the license to kill," Red XIII muttered.
"So you can setup the meeting with Mr. Valentine?" Cloud replied.
"It can be done. It's not easy though, him being involved with all these underground conspiracies and what not... You sound like you know him," Red XIII added.
"Let's just say that I took his place in this fic..." Cloud grinned. Red XIII, not understanding anything about this 'fic' business, decided to think of something more useful. He started to consider the dominant and recessive gene types that would yield him a lion and his grandfather a human. If Bugenhagen was a carrier for the gene then...
"Hey Cloud!" Cait Sith called. "Do you think I could borrow that laser watch when you're done with it?" Cloud shrugged.
"If you must..." Cloud replied.
"OK! Pull over here!" Red XIII broke from his analytical thinking. He hopped out the side of the car and gestured through the rusty gates. "You can meet Mr. Valentine in here. Be careful 007," Red XIII added. Cloud nodded.
"I can do it! Leave it to-" Cloud scratched himself on the gate. "Ouch! Son of a-" Cloud clutched his arm. "I'll be getting a tetanus shot for that." Cloud groaned and continued towards the bar.
"Hopefully that's the only shot he'll get."
"Hey! Wasn't this place the 7th heaven?" Cloud replied. A waitress nodded.
"It was, but Mr. Valentine had it renamed BAR," the waitress explained.
"Of course Vincent would make it something boring like that..." Cloud muttered. Cloud was led to the infamous Vincent, sitting with his fellow 'negotiators.' Cloud took a seat. "Well, well... It's been a long time Vincent."
"Not long enough it would seem," Vincent retorted. Lucrecia was singing in the background on stage.
"I hear that you have information concerning the helicopter incident as well as the individual named 'Sheik.'" Cloud replied.
"Sheik eh? How does he concern you?" Vincent inquired.
"His information is vital to how the helicopter was involved in the Icicle Area disturbance," Cloud continued. Lucrecia tried to hit a high note and went off key. Cloud laughed. "Can't pick up any women except the mutated freaks?" Vincent pulled out his Death Penalty and fired, nearly hitting Cloud in his favorite spot. Vincent reached over with his gold hands and grabbed Cloud's collar.
"That is my fiancé you're insulting!" Vincent hissed. "If you want to live to complete this objective, you may want to shut up." Cloud nodded very quickly.
"We are willing to offer a considerable amount of funding and equipment to you and your activities here in Midgar," Cloud fixed his collar.
"They are of little use. Sheik is the one that we wish to see out of the way. He is a traitor to the Shin-Ra and cannot be trusted," Vincent replied.
"Then, you will schedule a meeting?" Cloud asked. Vincent nodded.
"It will be tonight. I will send you information on the meeting," Vincent added. Vincent smiled and gestured to the door. "Our meeting is adjourned." Cloud stood up and began to leave. "Oh and Cloud." Cloud turned. "I would have made a better 007 than you! It just so happens I got stuck with this blasted last name!"
"Valentine! That is a pretty stupid name!" a guard laughed. (He's the same one that died in the opening scene with the magazine). Vincent pulled out his gun and shot him. Cloud slowly edged out of the room.
Aeris walked into her church in Midgar.
"What a relief to be back!" Aeris stretched and walked into the church. She checked the collection bin for donations but found none. "Lousy cheap skates..." Two children were in the center of her church. Aeris growled. "Hey! Get the hell out of my church! Don't make me get my rifle!" The two children screamed and ran out. Aeris laughed and brushed off her hands. "Now... I need to check my mail..." Aeris walked up to the organ and played those fateful three notes from Chrono Trigger. A door appeared with a sign, 'Employees Only.' Aeris stepped inside. A few seconds later, Frog hopped down from the ceiling.
"Queen Leene? Where art thou?" Frog croaked. (Chrono Trigger)
Meanwhile...
"Ancients Online... KillTifa77. Password: WhiteMateria..." Aeris attempted on connecting. The line was busy. "Damn service! It has only one member and it can't even sign me on!!" Aeris bashed the keyboard. Suddenly, she heard a noise from behind. She looked through the crack in the door to see a man walking out. "Gee... Isn't that... Hojo?" Aeris walked away from her computer and towards where the man left. Aeris stepped outside just as the Turks appeared.
"Ms. Gainsborough... I believe you'll be coming with us," Reno added.
Cloud was waiting in a small resort near the meeting place, where he was supposed to find a suspect. Cloud, who had a particularly short attention span, had accused a few people of being the suspects and beaten them senseless until he learned that the suspect was a she. Cloud apologized to his unconscious victims and found himself in a sauna.
"Well... There is always time for relaxation," Cloud replied. (No there isn't. The writers just stuck this in because audiences enjoy scenes of this caliber).
"Shut up! Did I ask you!" Cloud shouted. He walked into a locker room and returned in his boxers. Cloud hopped into the hot tub and slowly sank into the bubbling water. Just then, Scarlet walked in dressed in a red bikini. (Scary sight isn't it?) Cloud, who was to busy imagining himself with Tifa and Aeris, didn't notice Scarlet hovering above him.
"Fool. You're mission ends here!" Scarlet prepared to bash Cloud in the head with a statue. Suddenly, Cloud reached his hands up and grabbed Scarlet. Surprised by the attack, Scarlet dropped the statue and fell into the hot tub.
"Are you part of my mission?" Cloud was still imagining. He went to reach for Scarlet and she slapped him. Cloud's trance broke and he saw Scarlet.
"Ahhhh! How did you get in here!" Cloud screamed and jumped out of the water. "Yuck! I feel so dirty!" He began to rub his skin. Scarlet snarled and jumped after him.
"I take offense to those comments! I am much more beautiful than those sl**s Aeris and Tifa!" Scarlet leapt at Cloud. Cloud easily dodged the blow and backed away.
"Look whose talking! They could have at least put a pretty villain, like Elena!" Cloud growled. Scarlet cried out and waved her fists at him. Cloud tripped her and Scarlet fell to the floor. She went to turn just as she saw Cloud's fist collide with her face. Scarlet blacked out.
"That's the end of him... I mean her! No wonder I was confused before..." Cloud smirked.
"Sheik is in there?" Cloud inquired. Scarlet gritted her teeth and nodded.
"He will not be pleased to see you," Scarlet scowled. "You're weak and will be easy prey for-" Cloud sprayed Scarlet with a knockout mist. Scarlet's eyes rolled to the back of her head and she passed out.
"Damn bi**h..." Cloud muttered. He hopped out of the car and walked into the Midgar slums. Countless broken and abandoned paraphernalia littered the area. A hell house scurried across the path. "I still don't understand how a house can walk like that... What were those programmers smoking?" Cloud wandered through the wreckage. He came to a blinking sign.
"Aeris' church -- Sheik --
I'd turn back if I were you..." the sign read. "They must be talking about Aeris' church. There are those freak kids in there!" Cloud began to wander towards Sheik's place. "Come to think of it... I don't think those flowers were real. Maybe Aeris is really insane and she planted those synthetic ones. Maybe she's the one that's behind all this!" Cloud snapped his fingers. "I got it! Aeris summoned Meteor and she plans to take over the world using her synthetic flowers!" Laughter came from behind him. Cloud blinked. "Umm... I don't remember this being filmed under a live studio audience..."
"Not that sort of laughter fool..." the voice came. Audience 'oohs' in the background.
::Sheik's theme cues up::
A figure emerges from behind wreckage.
"What...?" Cloud felt a wave of pain run through his head. Flashed of the Nibelheim incident ran through his head. "Who are you...?"
"You know who I am..." Sephiroth grinned. He took his harp and revealed his face by pushing away the mask.
"What!? I thought that Sheik was Zel- Oops... Plot spoiler," Cloud coughed. Sephiroth narrowed his eyes.
"You were always too loyal to your country Cloud. Coward ... You betrayed the Planet to your country!" Sephiroth accused Cloud.
"Well... You're a... Umm.... Masamune carrying... Stupid Guy!" Cloud adlibbed a quick insult. Sephiroth laughed.
"That was mildly insulting..." Sephiroth plucked the harp to Edward's theme. (Final Fantasy IV)
"What's happened to you? We worked together once!" Cloud called. Sephiroth shrugged.
"Yes. But ever since my father started calling you 'the Failure,' I decided you weren't worth the effort... Besides, I tried having sidekicks in the past... And they just ended up forming a cult. Now all they do is wear black cloaks and run around with speech impediments," Sephiroth grinned.
"Hey! I r, resent... that!" a black cloaked figure walked out. Sephiroth shoved his Masamune through him. "Hey... That... w, wasn't very... nice!" the figure collapsed. "I'll just have to die with a nice FMV scene!" A piece of materia popped out of its cloak and bounced around until falling into a puddle.
"That was good... But no Aeris," Sephiroth laughed. Cloud raised his sword.
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop you!" Cloud pulled out a piece of materia. "Fire 3!!" Sephiroth began to laugh. Nothing happened.
"Is that the best you can do?" Sephiroth hopped to another side of the screen.
"Oh yeah!?" Cloud pulled out another piece of materia. "Flare!!" Still... Nothing happened. Cloud scratched his head. "Merton!!" (Final Fantasy 6)
"Why isn't my magic working?" Cloud complained.
"Why? Simple... I'm standing in the field of the statues! They absorb any magic that enters their vicinity!" Sephiroth kicked Cloud to the ground.
"What?" Cloud asked confused. Sephiroth suddenly bit his lip.
"Oops... Carried the dialogue too far! Let's go back to where you shouted Merton and you felt like an idiot..." Sephiroth backed up. Cloud shook his head.
"This is where you go back... From whence you've came!" Cloud dashed forward. Sephiroth pointed at Cloud and waved him away. Cloud was lifted into the air and smashed into a statue.
"I learned that trick from Star Wars!" Sephiroth grinned. Sephiroth picked up his harp. "And this one I learned from a Pokémon you might know." Sephiroth begins to play the notes from Jigglypuff's song. Cloud drops his sword and covers his ears.
"No! Damn y-" Cloud moaned and collapsed.
"Hahahaha!! Thanks Jigglypuff!" Sephiroth walked over to Cloud. He pulled out a magic marker and wrote 14 in Roman numerals on his face.
Aeris screamed as a piece of Lightning materia shattered, causing electricity to blow out the circuit boards of the computers. A piece of Fire materia set the wall on fire. Aeris pulled out a piece of summon materia.
"Ramuh! I choose you!" Aeris threw the summon materia. Ramuh appeared.
"You summoned me- Ahhhhhh!" Ramuh screamed as he clutched his head. Aeris gasped and looked down as the materia shattered. Ramuh burst into a wave of energy, which pretty much collapsed the room.
The wave from the satellite struck the helicopters and the jets. The jets, running on Mako energy, instantly burst into flames. The helicopter, which did not use Mako, survived the blast. Scarlet glanced at her shard of Luck Plus materia. It glowed strangely, but didn't shatter. They were just barely out of range of the devastating effects of the satellite.
"Hey! There's a big spot on the map!" Cloud shouted.
"Oh... That was just Barret, he spit some coffee on it when he heard that Marlene was the main villain in Final Fantasy VIII," Tifa replied. Cloud shook his head. "Cait Sith also dropped a magnet on it." Cloud still shook his head. "Then what?" She turned as she saw a huge section of the map glowing. "Ohh... That spot..."
"Damn materia!" Aeris coughed as she struggled to climb out of the destroyed complex. She gasped as she cut herself on a plank of wood. Occasionally a sparks would fly from the wreckage and cause Aeris to turn away from the dangerous light. She coughed as she staggered away from the building. She fell face first into the snow. Aeris didn't need her materia to know that she would die here without any food or warmth or materia for that matter. She looked around the desolate landscape to see a figure coming towards her. "What?"
"Wooheehoo!" a chocobo hopped over to her. Aeris smiled a painful smile.
"I didn't even need Chocobo Lure..." Aeris carefully mounted the chocobo and rode off.
"What do you mean?" Cloud demanded. Tifa and Cid looked at him funny.
"Umm... We didn't say anything Cloud," Barret took a sip of coffee.
"I know... I just thought it sounded cool to start this section with a question," Cloud straightened his bow tie and grinned. Tifa sighed.
"If you really want to get this fic started, you'll need to know what we're dealing with," Tifa replied. She walked over to a board. An image of a massive satellite came up. "This is the Goldenmateria satellite. It was built by Square initially to blow up every gold copy of Zelda. Not just the Ocarina of Time... But any gold Zelda! But Square abandoned the project after they lost funding."
"Why'd they lose funding?" Cloud asked. Tifa shrugged.
"Something about the swirling SaGa Frontier logo causing spasms or something..." Tifa replied. "Anyway... The satellite was thrown out and ended up being programmed in Final Fantasy VII. If you squint really hard during Bahamut ZERO, you can see it in the background," Tifa stated. Barret nodded.
"And I use 'em when I do Satellite Beam!" Barret smiled. Tifa turned back to the display.
"Anyway... There were three of them. Nayru, Farore, and Din... Barret bought one of them and Shin-Ra bought the others." (Zelda 64)
"I got it at da Auction House in FF6! I kicked da crap out of dat kid dat out bid me for an electronic Chocobo!" Barret took another sip of coffee. (Final Fantasy 6 of course!) Tifa growled at being interrupted.
"Anyway... Shin-Ra was working on them with the space program and now someone is obviously using them!" Tifa said in frustration.
"And if da Shin-Ra iz involved, we get to kick some Shin-Ra #*@!" Barret laughed.
"I give up! I don't need this!" Tifa stalked out. Barret shrugged.
"Wonder what her problem iz..." Barret got up. "But to continue on... We'll be sendin' you to Midgar to gather information about who's got the sattelite." Barret gestured for Cloud to follow. They walked into a laboratory testing top secret accessories and equipment.
"We've prepared some crazy gadgets for you to use," Barret told Cloud. He reached on the table and took a pen. "Here! Dis pen explodes!" Cloud looked at it suspiciously.
"Hmm... Interesting thing for a pen to do..." Cloud thought aloud. Barret plucked a watch off of another table.
"This will be your new watch. It tells the time and has a laser!!" Barret shook it in front of him. Cloud shrugged and pulled up his sleeve. He had about ten watches on.
"I have about five watches that do that..." Cloud examined them. "Oh! If you press this one, it blows up Cait Sith!" Barret growled and handed him the watch. Barret walked by as a weapon's tester was catapulted out of a car.
"We've also taken da liberty of gettin' you a new set of wheels," Barret gestured to the car.
"That's not new! You just took the Buggy and added a sickly looking 007 to the side of it!" Cloud shouted. Barret grinned.
"I painted it myself!" Barret said with pride. Cloud sighed.
"Well... Its back to Midgar for me."
Cait Sith stood in front of a street corner. He checked his watch and then tapped it.
"Hmm... I wish my watch had a laser..." Cait Sith sighed. "Then I wouldn't need an envelope opener." Cloud walked past Cait Sith whistling. Cait Sith immediately spotted him.
"Hey! Wait!" Cait Sith cried. Cloud turned.
"Oh! Here you go old friend," Cloud tossed the man a nickel. Cait Sith grabbed it and pinched it in frustration.
"I appreciate the thought, but I'm not looking for money!" Cait Sith snapped. Cloud shrugged.
"Well I'm all out of booze so-" Cloud began. Cait Sith shook him.
"Cloud!" Cait Sith interrupted him.
"I'm sorry, but I'm looking for a secret agent. I don't have time to waste, although I'm an expert at picking such individuals out of a crowd," Cloud straightened his bow tie.
"It's me! The secret agent!" Cait Sith shouted. Cloud narrowed his eyes.
"Secret agent? You're not making yourself very secretive!" Cloud snapped. "Are you sure you're a secret agent?"
"Yes!" Cait Sith said in a lower voice. Cloud nodded.
"OK. If you say so... It was either going to be you or that suspicious looking man over there," Cloud pointed to Red XIII.
"Well you guessed wrong Cloud," Red XIII walked out from the alley. "I'm the secret agent and I'm not a man! Cait Sith is merely my accomplice." Cait Sith crossed her arms.
"And I have to take this abuse from a lion that uses a comb for battle?" Cait Sith replied. Red XIII gestured to a car in the alley.
"We'll talk while you drive. I can't manage the vehicle myself and Cait Sith ran over a man trying to sell batteries. At least you have the license to kill," Red XIII muttered.
"So you can setup the meeting with Mr. Valentine?" Cloud replied.
"It can be done. It's not easy though, him being involved with all these underground conspiracies and what not... You sound like you know him," Red XIII added.
"Let's just say that I took his place in this fic..." Cloud grinned. Red XIII, not understanding anything about this 'fic' business, decided to think of something more useful. He started to consider the dominant and recessive gene types that would yield him a lion and his grandfather a human. If Bugenhagen was a carrier for the gene then...
"Hey Cloud!" Cait Sith called. "Do you think I could borrow that laser watch when you're done with it?" Cloud shrugged.
"If you must..." Cloud replied.
"OK! Pull over here!" Red XIII broke from his analytical thinking. He hopped out the side of the car and gestured through the rusty gates. "You can meet Mr. Valentine in here. Be careful 007," Red XIII added. Cloud nodded.
"I can do it! Leave it to-" Cloud scratched himself on the gate. "Ouch! Son of a-" Cloud clutched his arm. "I'll be getting a tetanus shot for that." Cloud groaned and continued towards the bar.
"Hopefully that's the only shot he'll get."
"Hey! Wasn't this place the 7th heaven?" Cloud replied. A waitress nodded.
"It was, but Mr. Valentine had it renamed BAR," the waitress explained.
"Of course Vincent would make it something boring like that..." Cloud muttered. Cloud was led to the infamous Vincent, sitting with his fellow 'negotiators.' Cloud took a seat. "Well, well... It's been a long time Vincent."
"Not long enough it would seem," Vincent retorted. Lucrecia was singing in the background on stage.
"I hear that you have information concerning the helicopter incident as well as the individual named 'Sheik.'" Cloud replied.
"Sheik eh? How does he concern you?" Vincent inquired.
"His information is vital to how the helicopter was involved in the Icicle Area disturbance," Cloud continued. Lucrecia tried to hit a high note and went off key. Cloud laughed. "Can't pick up any women except the mutated freaks?" Vincent pulled out his Death Penalty and fired, nearly hitting Cloud in his favorite spot. Vincent reached over with his gold hands and grabbed Cloud's collar.
"That is my fiancé you're insulting!" Vincent hissed. "If you want to live to complete this objective, you may want to shut up." Cloud nodded very quickly.
"We are willing to offer a considerable amount of funding and equipment to you and your activities here in Midgar," Cloud fixed his collar.
"They are of little use. Sheik is the one that we wish to see out of the way. He is a traitor to the Shin-Ra and cannot be trusted," Vincent replied.
"Then, you will schedule a meeting?" Cloud asked. Vincent nodded.
"It will be tonight. I will send you information on the meeting," Vincent added. Vincent smiled and gestured to the door. "Our meeting is adjourned." Cloud stood up and began to leave. "Oh and Cloud." Cloud turned. "I would have made a better 007 than you! It just so happens I got stuck with this blasted last name!"
"Valentine! That is a pretty stupid name!" a guard laughed. (He's the same one that died in the opening scene with the magazine). Vincent pulled out his gun and shot him. Cloud slowly edged out of the room.
Aeris walked into her church in Midgar.
"What a relief to be back!" Aeris stretched and walked into the church. She checked the collection bin for donations but found none. "Lousy cheap skates..." Two children were in the center of her church. Aeris growled. "Hey! Get the hell out of my church! Don't make me get my rifle!" The two children screamed and ran out. Aeris laughed and brushed off her hands. "Now... I need to check my mail..." Aeris walked up to the organ and played those fateful three notes from Chrono Trigger. A door appeared with a sign, 'Employees Only.' Aeris stepped inside. A few seconds later, Frog hopped down from the ceiling.
"Queen Leene? Where art thou?" Frog croaked. (Chrono Trigger)
Meanwhile...
"Ancients Online... KillTifa77. Password: WhiteMateria..." Aeris attempted on connecting. The line was busy. "Damn service! It has only one member and it can't even sign me on!!" Aeris bashed the keyboard. Suddenly, she heard a noise from behind. She looked through the crack in the door to see a man walking out. "Gee... Isn't that... Hojo?" Aeris walked away from her computer and towards where the man left. Aeris stepped outside just as the Turks appeared.
"Ms. Gainsborough... I believe you'll be coming with us," Reno added.
Cloud was waiting in a small resort near the meeting place, where he was supposed to find a suspect. Cloud, who had a particularly short attention span, had accused a few people of being the suspects and beaten them senseless until he learned that the suspect was a she. Cloud apologized to his unconscious victims and found himself in a sauna.
"Well... There is always time for relaxation," Cloud replied. (No there isn't. The writers just stuck this in because audiences enjoy scenes of this caliber).
"Shut up! Did I ask you!" Cloud shouted. He walked into a locker room and returned in his boxers. Cloud hopped into the hot tub and slowly sank into the bubbling water. Just then, Scarlet walked in dressed in a red bikini. (Scary sight isn't it?) Cloud, who was to busy imagining himself with Tifa and Aeris, didn't notice Scarlet hovering above him.
"Fool. You're mission ends here!" Scarlet prepared to bash Cloud in the head with a statue. Suddenly, Cloud reached his hands up and grabbed Scarlet. Surprised by the attack, Scarlet dropped the statue and fell into the hot tub.
"Are you part of my mission?" Cloud was still imagining. He went to reach for Scarlet and she slapped him. Cloud's trance broke and he saw Scarlet.
"Ahhhh! How did you get in here!" Cloud screamed and jumped out of the water. "Yuck! I feel so dirty!" He began to rub his skin. Scarlet snarled and jumped after him.
"I take offense to those comments! I am much more beautiful than those sl**s Aeris and Tifa!" Scarlet leapt at Cloud. Cloud easily dodged the blow and backed away.
"Look whose talking! They could have at least put a pretty villain, like Elena!" Cloud growled. Scarlet cried out and waved her fists at him. Cloud tripped her and Scarlet fell to the floor. She went to turn just as she saw Cloud's fist collide with her face. Scarlet blacked out.
"That's the end of him... I mean her! No wonder I was confused before..." Cloud smirked.
"Sheik is in there?" Cloud inquired. Scarlet gritted her teeth and nodded.
"He will not be pleased to see you," Scarlet scowled. "You're weak and will be easy prey for-" Cloud sprayed Scarlet with a knockout mist. Scarlet's eyes rolled to the back of her head and she passed out.
"Damn bi**h..." Cloud muttered. He hopped out of the car and walked into the Midgar slums. Countless broken and abandoned paraphernalia littered the area. A hell house scurried across the path. "I still don't understand how a house can walk like that... What were those programmers smoking?" Cloud wandered through the wreckage. He came to a blinking sign.
"Aeris' church -- Sheik --
I'd turn back if I were you..." the sign read. "They must be talking about Aeris' church. There are those freak kids in there!" Cloud began to wander towards Sheik's place. "Come to think of it... I don't think those flowers were real. Maybe Aeris is really insane and she planted those synthetic ones. Maybe she's the one that's behind all this!" Cloud snapped his fingers. "I got it! Aeris summoned Meteor and she plans to take over the world using her synthetic flowers!" Laughter came from behind him. Cloud blinked. "Umm... I don't remember this being filmed under a live studio audience..."
"Not that sort of laughter fool..." the voice came. Audience 'oohs' in the background.
::Sheik's theme cues up::
A figure emerges from behind wreckage.
"What...?" Cloud felt a wave of pain run through his head. Flashed of the Nibelheim incident ran through his head. "Who are you...?"
"You know who I am..." Sephiroth grinned. He took his harp and revealed his face by pushing away the mask.
"What!? I thought that Sheik was Zel- Oops... Plot spoiler," Cloud coughed. Sephiroth narrowed his eyes.
"You were always too loyal to your country Cloud. Coward ... You betrayed the Planet to your country!" Sephiroth accused Cloud.
"Well... You're a... Umm.... Masamune carrying... Stupid Guy!" Cloud adlibbed a quick insult. Sephiroth laughed.
"That was mildly insulting..." Sephiroth plucked the harp to Edward's theme. (Final Fantasy IV)
"What's happened to you? We worked together once!" Cloud called. Sephiroth shrugged.
"Yes. But ever since my father started calling you 'the Failure,' I decided you weren't worth the effort... Besides, I tried having sidekicks in the past... And they just ended up forming a cult. Now all they do is wear black cloaks and run around with speech impediments," Sephiroth grinned.
"Hey! I r, resent... that!" a black cloaked figure walked out. Sephiroth shoved his Masamune through him. "Hey... That... w, wasn't very... nice!" the figure collapsed. "I'll just have to die with a nice FMV scene!" A piece of materia popped out of its cloak and bounced around until falling into a puddle.
"That was good... But no Aeris," Sephiroth laughed. Cloud raised his sword.
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop you!" Cloud pulled out a piece of materia. "Fire 3!!" Sephiroth began to laugh. Nothing happened.
"Is that the best you can do?" Sephiroth hopped to another side of the screen.
"Oh yeah!?" Cloud pulled out another piece of materia. "Flare!!" Still... Nothing happened. Cloud scratched his head. "Merton!!" (Final Fantasy 6)
"Why isn't my magic working?" Cloud complained.
"Why? Simple... I'm standing in the field of the statues! They absorb any magic that enters their vicinity!" Sephiroth kicked Cloud to the ground.
"What?" Cloud asked confused. Sephiroth suddenly bit his lip.
"Oops... Carried the dialogue too far! Let's go back to where you shouted Merton and you felt like an idiot..." Sephiroth backed up. Cloud shook his head.
"This is where you go back... From whence you've came!" Cloud dashed forward. Sephiroth pointed at Cloud and waved him away. Cloud was lifted into the air and smashed into a statue.
"I learned that trick from Star Wars!" Sephiroth grinned. Sephiroth picked up his harp. "And this one I learned from a Pokémon you might know." Sephiroth begins to play the notes from Jigglypuff's song. Cloud drops his sword and covers his ears.
"No! Damn y-" Cloud moaned and collapsed.
"Hahahaha!! Thanks Jigglypuff!" Sephiroth walked over to Cloud. He pulled out a magic marker and wrote 14 in Roman numerals on his face.