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09/25/AC 197 [ lamentation ]
i did not sleep well last night. my mind was reeling. it thwarted away the lull of sleep. which i so desperately longed for. i was rudely awaken throughout the night, every hour or two. untill the point i gave up, and sat up erect, but no where near alert. i must have sat there for an hour, doing nothing more. trying so hard to cease the torrent of outcries that swelled my thoughts. no reasoning. after that prolonged pause. i raised my hand over my face, and slowly, rigidly, swept my fingertips over my face. lachrymation ensued. i convulsed, was my emotional void transgressing into physical lamentation.
the hues of dawn crept in before i forced myself to cease. abruptly i stood up, and proceeded to dress myself. enabling me to catch a glimpse of my reflection, my crimson trimmed eyes with the baggage to match were more then simply noticeable, over imposed even. i attempt the soothe my ravaged appearance by applying frigid water to my features, with no avail. weaved my hand through the mess of my hair, and picked up my binder off the floor, where i threw it down yesterday, the papers protruding at odd angles.
i left, and walked to school. an hour before the expected arrival time. i stood there, out of place, alone. the school almost looked serene with its inhabitants misplaced. i took the first step and continued walking, leaving that place. i had no preferred direction. my feet were in a mindless rhythm, i don't know how long i walked for. but i ended up on the brink of a park, amidst this urban environment. it doesn't belong, either do i. i could muse further, how the park was artificially made, distorted, for the whims of the colonies. i walked through the trees that shouldn't be, intill finding some random maple. sitting under it, lolling my head my back against the stiff bark, eyes silted. it struck me how similar this place was to the groomed plot of land, were i relished in my fleeting accomplishment. years ago. i then diverted my attention the binder in my hands, and the untainted sheets concealed within. with pen hanging so meticulously on the inside flap. i wrote. senseless things, perhaps that i can understand individually but not as a whole.
being in that replica of the scene of my crime, made my longing for death more potent. but no one has persecuted me for my offenses. no one has brought me death, or revenge. so i can only bring forth the most harsh punishment i can think of. to endure this life.
commence. [ 9:09 p.m. ]
09/25/AC 197 [ lamentation ]
i did not sleep well last night. my mind was reeling. it thwarted away the lull of sleep. which i so desperately longed for. i was rudely awaken throughout the night, every hour or two. untill the point i gave up, and sat up erect, but no where near alert. i must have sat there for an hour, doing nothing more. trying so hard to cease the torrent of outcries that swelled my thoughts. no reasoning. after that prolonged pause. i raised my hand over my face, and slowly, rigidly, swept my fingertips over my face. lachrymation ensued. i convulsed, was my emotional void transgressing into physical lamentation.
the hues of dawn crept in before i forced myself to cease. abruptly i stood up, and proceeded to dress myself. enabling me to catch a glimpse of my reflection, my crimson trimmed eyes with the baggage to match were more then simply noticeable, over imposed even. i attempt the soothe my ravaged appearance by applying frigid water to my features, with no avail. weaved my hand through the mess of my hair, and picked up my binder off the floor, where i threw it down yesterday, the papers protruding at odd angles.
i left, and walked to school. an hour before the expected arrival time. i stood there, out of place, alone. the school almost looked serene with its inhabitants misplaced. i took the first step and continued walking, leaving that place. i had no preferred direction. my feet were in a mindless rhythm, i don't know how long i walked for. but i ended up on the brink of a park, amidst this urban environment. it doesn't belong, either do i. i could muse further, how the park was artificially made, distorted, for the whims of the colonies. i walked through the trees that shouldn't be, intill finding some random maple. sitting under it, lolling my head my back against the stiff bark, eyes silted. it struck me how similar this place was to the groomed plot of land, were i relished in my fleeting accomplishment. years ago. i then diverted my attention the binder in my hands, and the untainted sheets concealed within. with pen hanging so meticulously on the inside flap. i wrote. senseless things, perhaps that i can understand individually but not as a whole.
being in that replica of the scene of my crime, made my longing for death more potent. but no one has persecuted me for my offenses. no one has brought me death, or revenge. so i can only bring forth the most harsh punishment i can think of. to endure this life.
commence. [ 9:09 p.m. ]