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09/30/AC 197 [ animosity ]
the same mundane routine every morning. on mondays i always overheard incessant whines about having to attend school, i empathize now. my fifteen minute commute to school each week day i am acquiring an acute distaste for it. so much time for thoughts to manifest and swell. for example, considering my actions yesterday, how appalling. but this is what i wanted, is it not? to feel natural emotions, to feel human. too bad i did not consider my mentality is probably warped. and i simply cannot handle raw emotions, the truth screams at me. and ambiguity causes me pain. it feels like every breath is, forced. every pump of my heart, false. every emotion, artificial. i loathe what i have become, and i hate what i am becoming.
i arrived to school somewhat early, no one to converse with, no where to go but class. the instructor and i exchanged glances, as i maneuvered to my seat. i sat down, ten minutes to the first toll of the bell. i sit in the front, now even a row of desks to provide a shield from his scrutiny. i found myself watching the door intently, a distraction? or maybe i was waiting his arrival. but the instructor soon diverted my attention.
"heero, how is duo's and your project coming along?" he said after taking a sip of his offer. us being the only two bodies inhabiting the classroom, it would be impossible to ignore him. i stared at him briefly, while sorting through the possible answers. i raised my brow, and thinly affirmed.
"great." he took another sip of his coffee before setting it down. and smirked at me. i think i released some irritated snort and sharply looked away. the other students soon started to file in. a minute before the appointed time, i concluded he was not coming. well before i heard the rushed shuffle of footsteps. yet that demeanor fainted as he walked before me, and took his seat. no greeting, that was not my normal department. his focus was only before him. the more i leered at him, the more he embodied all my anger. he may have triggered it, but it was not his fault, not entirely, that, i am not adept i still blame him though. my gaze lingered on his choice attire, reminiscent to two years ago.
"did you happen to attend mass yesterday?" i malevolently taunted. my animosity taking shape of words. it unnerved him. i was denied my desired reaction. infact i believe i hurt him. more out of frustration, i uttered the word hypocrite softly, and disengaged in all interaction with him for the rest of the period.
in till i saw him again, i felt a confliction. was i too cruel? too cold? i made up my mind as soon as saw him. i was holding a great intolerance for him, knowing why he came. yet knowing nothing at all. i analyzed every movement he conducted. he was there before me, i did not sit by him. i overheard a rumor of that weird braided newcomer running out of a fourth period class. he looked unscathed. i was staring at him, so it was obvious, all the attempts he made to look back at me. i was not the only one who noticed. "duo, I advise you to pay attention." the teacher dictated. duo froze. "i know you may find rachelle attractive, but you can't afford to ignore your studies." he was referring to girl in front of me. laugther erupted from the class. the girl relished in the attention, but acted politely embarrassed. i saw through the charade. i was not amused. in fact soon grew fixated at her blonde teased hair, repulsive. by the time reality caught up with me i realized duo was proceeding to draw more attention himself.
"it's up my ass." duo boldly stated in definace to the teacher, in regards to his homework location. idiot. he recieved my peers fickle approval. but it soon swayed as he received his detention notice. he looked back at me, curious of my reaction. i crossed my arms and subtly shook my head from side to side. why must he always be the center of attention. the period expired. duo collected his possessions and left, i lingered. that girl was talking away to one of her half witted cohorts, if i lingered here it would be too obvious. i slowly proceeded to leave, but resided just outside of the door frame, propping my back against the wall. i heard her jarring laughter. she was approaching. i had thrust my foot in the entry way, obstructing her path. my center of gravity unaltered, hers was not so propitious. she met the floor with a loud twang. her papers and books scattered upon the floor. my malicious laugher echoed through the halls. i still do not feel guilty.
by the time i arrived home my amusement dwindled. and certain self loathing filled the void. i discarded my binder and books, and gathered my soiled clothes and other material made possesions into a garbage bag, proceeding to trudge them down to a close laundry mat. boring and tedious, i enabled the purifying of all the items. folded them and secured them in the opaque plastic bag. on my dreaded journey home, i took notice of a furniture shop, an intense reminder of my living conditions. i stood before the window, still contemplating whether or not to venture in. i did. the bell tied to the door rang. i was out of place as ever with my plastic bag and its contents in my grasp. two store clerks lightly took notice of me, then continue in their conversation. i stood before them, silently. patience wavering as they continued to ignore me. the woman finally stopped, more out of irritation with my presence.
"yes?" she offered, staring at me blankly.
"i need to furnish my house." i stated, shifting the weight of the bag in my hand. she raised an eyebrow.
"what do you need?" she asked, directing her full attention to me. "everything." i beseeched. she nearly laughed. money, i had plenty of it. i had no desire to spend it on frivolous things before. so it was there, collecting, the purchasing necessities not even making a dent. i placed the orders. they should be delivered in under a week. i went back, and began to prudently clean what i had of a home. i still have homework to complete.
commence. [ 10:54 p.m. ]
09/30/AC 197 [ animosity ]
the same mundane routine every morning. on mondays i always overheard incessant whines about having to attend school, i empathize now. my fifteen minute commute to school each week day i am acquiring an acute distaste for it. so much time for thoughts to manifest and swell. for example, considering my actions yesterday, how appalling. but this is what i wanted, is it not? to feel natural emotions, to feel human. too bad i did not consider my mentality is probably warped. and i simply cannot handle raw emotions, the truth screams at me. and ambiguity causes me pain. it feels like every breath is, forced. every pump of my heart, false. every emotion, artificial. i loathe what i have become, and i hate what i am becoming.
i arrived to school somewhat early, no one to converse with, no where to go but class. the instructor and i exchanged glances, as i maneuvered to my seat. i sat down, ten minutes to the first toll of the bell. i sit in the front, now even a row of desks to provide a shield from his scrutiny. i found myself watching the door intently, a distraction? or maybe i was waiting his arrival. but the instructor soon diverted my attention.
"heero, how is duo's and your project coming along?" he said after taking a sip of his offer. us being the only two bodies inhabiting the classroom, it would be impossible to ignore him. i stared at him briefly, while sorting through the possible answers. i raised my brow, and thinly affirmed.
"great." he took another sip of his coffee before setting it down. and smirked at me. i think i released some irritated snort and sharply looked away. the other students soon started to file in. a minute before the appointed time, i concluded he was not coming. well before i heard the rushed shuffle of footsteps. yet that demeanor fainted as he walked before me, and took his seat. no greeting, that was not my normal department. his focus was only before him. the more i leered at him, the more he embodied all my anger. he may have triggered it, but it was not his fault, not entirely, that, i am not adept i still blame him though. my gaze lingered on his choice attire, reminiscent to two years ago.
"did you happen to attend mass yesterday?" i malevolently taunted. my animosity taking shape of words. it unnerved him. i was denied my desired reaction. infact i believe i hurt him. more out of frustration, i uttered the word hypocrite softly, and disengaged in all interaction with him for the rest of the period.
in till i saw him again, i felt a confliction. was i too cruel? too cold? i made up my mind as soon as saw him. i was holding a great intolerance for him, knowing why he came. yet knowing nothing at all. i analyzed every movement he conducted. he was there before me, i did not sit by him. i overheard a rumor of that weird braided newcomer running out of a fourth period class. he looked unscathed. i was staring at him, so it was obvious, all the attempts he made to look back at me. i was not the only one who noticed. "duo, I advise you to pay attention." the teacher dictated. duo froze. "i know you may find rachelle attractive, but you can't afford to ignore your studies." he was referring to girl in front of me. laugther erupted from the class. the girl relished in the attention, but acted politely embarrassed. i saw through the charade. i was not amused. in fact soon grew fixated at her blonde teased hair, repulsive. by the time reality caught up with me i realized duo was proceeding to draw more attention himself.
"it's up my ass." duo boldly stated in definace to the teacher, in regards to his homework location. idiot. he recieved my peers fickle approval. but it soon swayed as he received his detention notice. he looked back at me, curious of my reaction. i crossed my arms and subtly shook my head from side to side. why must he always be the center of attention. the period expired. duo collected his possessions and left, i lingered. that girl was talking away to one of her half witted cohorts, if i lingered here it would be too obvious. i slowly proceeded to leave, but resided just outside of the door frame, propping my back against the wall. i heard her jarring laughter. she was approaching. i had thrust my foot in the entry way, obstructing her path. my center of gravity unaltered, hers was not so propitious. she met the floor with a loud twang. her papers and books scattered upon the floor. my malicious laugher echoed through the halls. i still do not feel guilty.
by the time i arrived home my amusement dwindled. and certain self loathing filled the void. i discarded my binder and books, and gathered my soiled clothes and other material made possesions into a garbage bag, proceeding to trudge them down to a close laundry mat. boring and tedious, i enabled the purifying of all the items. folded them and secured them in the opaque plastic bag. on my dreaded journey home, i took notice of a furniture shop, an intense reminder of my living conditions. i stood before the window, still contemplating whether or not to venture in. i did. the bell tied to the door rang. i was out of place as ever with my plastic bag and its contents in my grasp. two store clerks lightly took notice of me, then continue in their conversation. i stood before them, silently. patience wavering as they continued to ignore me. the woman finally stopped, more out of irritation with my presence.
"yes?" she offered, staring at me blankly.
"i need to furnish my house." i stated, shifting the weight of the bag in my hand. she raised an eyebrow.
"what do you need?" she asked, directing her full attention to me. "everything." i beseeched. she nearly laughed. money, i had plenty of it. i had no desire to spend it on frivolous things before. so it was there, collecting, the purchasing necessities not even making a dent. i placed the orders. they should be delivered in under a week. i went back, and began to prudently clean what i had of a home. i still have homework to complete.
commence. [ 10:54 p.m. ]