here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com/ . or if you are interested in reading other characters blog or interested in applying for a character pleas go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. leave comments on the blog, please? and thank you to all you have commented! it means so much! take care!
[ note: if you feel i am vague in some parts, its intentional! lol sometimes Heero is just as clueless into what is occurring as you are. still have that desire to know all? i implore you to read the other characters blogs! heh heh ]
10/17/AC 197 [ covetous ]
i never thought i would be satisfied falling into a daily routine, yet waking by his side is something i will never take for granted. he is beginning to deplete my resources of clean attire, but no matter i still wear his jacket. i feel a twinge of entailing guilt, seeing him display my garments on his body, i have to repress a smile. the school hours produced to be widely trifling. my attention span was harboring quite an impairment. reverie consuming me. the anamnesis of the preceding night's folly. he attempted placate my incorporeal wounds, it came forced, that was cognitional. he wanted to be in oblivion, or have it go unsaid. no pure pathos bestowed by him, so be it. i took him bodily. his flesh is so tangible to my fingertips, impelling them to taint more tissue. perhaps even complicating things further. i mused further about if our entangled session attained culmination. then openly grimaced at thought of my inexperience. though the allurement of fumbling around with his naked body had not corroded.
"tell me how much you missed me" his words jarring me from my catalepsy. a coy tone, broad impish smile sullied his lips. swelling disharmony latent. i was rendered speechless, a novel tribulation deduced from a notion of everything i wanted to hear, everything i feared, and all the unvoiced doubts that interlay between those extremes. impossibly, my apprehension heightened as did my savour for his company, as his arm coiled around my waist. my composure was dissolving under his rapture. i shifted my body closer, so with each stride my thigh brushed upon his. we only completed a few footfalls, before he was jerked from behind, spinning to face his assailant, disengaging in all taction. his features flaunting a contempt glare, but his eyes widen, face twisting into jovial excitement, taking pleasance in seeing her. i turned to face her fully. these feelings he was conveying was mutual. his arms were amorphously while he leapt into an embrace, engulfing her wholly. i went taut, bone rigid as i observed.
"hey short stuff!"
"so where've you been hiding out all this time?"
all words, all laughter, the emitted from him, genuine. no bitterness, no irony, no ill jest, simply joy. i never heard such a laugh. i tried to remain impartial, but every time i affixed my sight on them, it became more apparent my presence was obsolete. i averted my eyes, gaping aimlessly paved walkway, crossewise from my stance. it is difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over. he was still smiling at her, when i sensed his eyes falling on me, i had aready looked away, i could no longer endure it. temporarily mortified. the decay and dejection of my disposition indicating their existence, i urgently strived to shape a guise over. i felt the discretion of a female frame setting position at my side. a kind smile spread over her lips, i gave a silent acknowledgment. i soon grew distracted, as Duo motioned closer to Hilde. away from me. a sudden pang. as he prodded her with his index finger, both relishing in each other's company. i slowly angled my head when she articulated.
"afternoon, heero."
finding it difficult to fully focus on her, i offered a dull salutation, their laughter bleeding over my voice. that was the limit to our conversation, i suppose to implore a response from me, she blurted.
"were you aware quatre is here, too?" too. i repeated it in my mind. that word penetrated my psyche, piercing, ravaging, marring. its acrid undulation filling the void of my conscious. "is that so." bitterly absorbed in my thoughts.
"yes. and actually we are sharing a living arrangement." she paused. surely considering her impending proposition. "i'm sure he would like to see you?" i looked to her. palsy dissuading my condition. by nodding my head once, she took the first step, i inattentively imitated. duo with hilde ensued. i am unsure of his motive, but duo raced before us all, feet still in motion, he pivoted, confronting us, relena at my right, hilde, my left. not faltering in pace, as his feet stepping in the opposite of the according direction. his hands shooting up behind his head, cradling at the nape of his neck. vision trailing over each of us.
"well, let's not all talk at once now" he remonstrated with the addition of a chuckle. the remark spurred no other laughter but his own. my eyes were downcast, i had nothing to say. the torrent of feelings gnawing at my inter workings. my vision adjusted, scrutinizing over his feet patterns. haltingly footfalls. his heel collided with a slab of elevated concrete, his legs buckled. arms jutted out to reinstate his correct center of gravity, but to defy this fall was futile. i did not even think, simply responded, action conveying with no mental stimuli. i lunged forward, seized his flailing forearms, steadied, then propeled him to me, enabling his upright pose. disengaging in his touch, he exclaimed dramatically, "what would i do without you, heero!" more laughter. he restored our taction, weaving his arm around my back, similar to before. my limbs faltered, i quivered slightly. so he was twined with me again, i did not know how to feel.
an inaudible utterance dispersed from relena, as she quickened her pace, leading us forward. upon our permeation through the open door, duo ceased all motion in the threshold. openly leered at quatre's ailment, concealed in a cast. quatre and i exchanged brief glances, lacking a sense of security under duo's uncouth eyes. i pressed my elbow into the limber flesh of his side. his body convulsed slightly, surprisingly curt, as he can out of his trance. he strewn his limbs on the couch were quatre was positioned. as duo chimed in with, "hey buddy, long time no see." hilde and relena placed themselves on the couch as well. i remained stagnet, before the door. i slid my hands into my pockets, feeling my presence again was not necessary. duo's gaze adjusted upon me, and lingered. the conversing had dwindled. i witnessed their vision all trying to grasp something for a distraction. i saw a glimmer of quatre's soft stare, as he angled his face towards duo. duo's posture tweaked, then he did the same as he heard the syllables slip from quatre's mouth.
"did heero give you his consent for joining the preventers yet?" he sheepishly inquired. a tremor swept over my form at the sound of my name, my abdomen contracted. my muscles, drawn tight. i think i briefly lidded my eyes, and exhaled keenly. as i reached for the door handle i distinctly heard duo's shrill of quatre's name, imposing his credence on him. i closed the door behind me, with a slight excess of force.
motioning down the cement path, for a fleeting moment i hated them all. parading into the life derived from nothing, my life. i know it was wretched, but it was mine. i had made effort to detach myself from that their imposed ideals of me, their expectations of me, their sought out purpose for me. but it is not even as simple as that, if it was things would be so much more easier. they came to propose a proposition to me, each day my trepidation runs deeper. is that why he came, the sole reason. he still has never denied it. then her, relena was never one to stray from duty. and that girl i faintly remember, so close to him. is everything being stripped from me. i probably deserve this, all of this. even quatre's presence irks me. no matter how well intentioned he is. i still feel exploited. my thoughts swayed to duo. assure me my feelings are not in vain. no hypocrisy, no humoring. convince me. is it pathetic of me that if i had all my fears realized that i would still covet you. lamentation was interrupted.
a trail of foot steps, his breath slightly hurried to match his pace. impetuously he extended his back against my back, snugly inserting his finger into my back pant pocket. inclining his side of his body against mine. lightly pressing his palm on my fundament. his touch was soothing, yet inflicted pain alike. without a trigger, he lightly spoke, "i'm sorry." i relented, somewhat. my eyes must have glazed over, my body fidgeted, a breath delayed, something. he smiled, assuming his brief apology had been accepted. she was behind us, duo looked back at her, i felt his body heaving with laughter against mine. our threefold saunter ceased at the crosswalk, a light forbade us to proceed. "where did you plan on staying?" duo submitted his query. listless, my eyes were focused on the flow of traffic, obstructing us. he ceased our contact, throwing his arms into the air. "why don't you stay with me?" i took a step back. the light still blinking red. together they moved, following the contour of the sidewalk. neglecting my disposition. do not leave, i pleaded with myself. the question looming. answer lucid. flashing red. soberly i stepped off the curb. walking undeterred. between the strips of white paint on the black pavement. i perceived the screech of tires, i halted. looking upon the vechile apathetically, then proceeding, light still an incessant red.
nonentity. silence sounds. all waiting for me. i slammed the door, after my entrance. monochrome leaving my sight, all, all but exquisite red. swaths of reality blurring, as my knees gave way before my bed, sheets still amiss from this morning. i rested my chest on the mattress, my cheek pressed flat against the comforter. i closed my eyes. i made the choice to go away, in the back, off the to the side, and far away. here is the place where i hide, where i stay. i tried to say. tried to ask, i needed to. but did not. i would share everything with you, if you wanted. but there is an imbalance, things are not mutual, are they? why can you not laugh that way for me ... would you mind if i tried? i admit that was a test, and you failed. as selfish as it was, you failed. i ran away, and you still stayed. it hurts. i crawled into bed. sleep did not come. maybe what i am missing is not your affection, but my purpose. my machine. maybe wufei was correct, a soldier's purpose is war and war alone. yet, i have no desire to enable the saluter of another other. i have all the pieces, its faint impression. i would kill for you. alter my faults for your whims, just allow me to be at your side, show me how to forgive you. fix me. i am bitter. i should not be, you are my life at the moment. but I threw you the obvious, just to see if there is more behind the eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy. is that the end? have i reached my truth? you will never follow me, will you, my only friend? i cannot help but to consider this a punishment, my life, my sentence. if i can help it, i will never look into your eyes again. but that is wrong. all i want to do is get with you and make the pain go away. here I am expecting just a little bit, too much from the wounded. you have your own suffering, i need to realize this. the end of laughter and soft lies, the end of nights we tried to die. is it wrong of me to want it all or nothing. it hurts too much. and i will take what i can get. i just had the realization i cannot sleep without you by my side. my bed is made for two. i my hand groped for your body. not there. thoughts continued to plague me. all poisoned by you.
pale predawn sky. have i truly been awake that long? i purposely did not shower. in fear of losing your lingering touch. i altered my attire, tan slacks and a loose black longed sleeved shirt, buttons trailing up my chest. as i secured the last button, i decided not to wear his jacket, i lacked merit. and left. light clnging to the memory of dawn. climate devoid of all warth. inclemency bestowing its frigid kiss upon my skin. i arrived two hours early. the halls abandon. leaning against the locked door of my first period class. the deprivation of sleep possessing my stream of consciousness. thirty minutes later the instructor arrived. eyeing with odd contempt as i removed my lithe form from the door. i ignored it. he inserted the key and opened the door. i entered first, and heedlessly maneuvered to my desk. he nonchalantly sat as his own, trying to blot my presence out while he graded papers and slipped on coffee. a haze of sleep was drawn before my eyes. i set my head on the desk, forehead pressing on the cold wood, angling my arms around my head. absence of motion. i was lulled to sleep.
commence. [ 9:36 a.m. ]
[ note: if you feel i am vague in some parts, its intentional! lol sometimes Heero is just as clueless into what is occurring as you are. still have that desire to know all? i implore you to read the other characters blogs! heh heh ]
10/17/AC 197 [ covetous ]
i never thought i would be satisfied falling into a daily routine, yet waking by his side is something i will never take for granted. he is beginning to deplete my resources of clean attire, but no matter i still wear his jacket. i feel a twinge of entailing guilt, seeing him display my garments on his body, i have to repress a smile. the school hours produced to be widely trifling. my attention span was harboring quite an impairment. reverie consuming me. the anamnesis of the preceding night's folly. he attempted placate my incorporeal wounds, it came forced, that was cognitional. he wanted to be in oblivion, or have it go unsaid. no pure pathos bestowed by him, so be it. i took him bodily. his flesh is so tangible to my fingertips, impelling them to taint more tissue. perhaps even complicating things further. i mused further about if our entangled session attained culmination. then openly grimaced at thought of my inexperience. though the allurement of fumbling around with his naked body had not corroded.
"tell me how much you missed me" his words jarring me from my catalepsy. a coy tone, broad impish smile sullied his lips. swelling disharmony latent. i was rendered speechless, a novel tribulation deduced from a notion of everything i wanted to hear, everything i feared, and all the unvoiced doubts that interlay between those extremes. impossibly, my apprehension heightened as did my savour for his company, as his arm coiled around my waist. my composure was dissolving under his rapture. i shifted my body closer, so with each stride my thigh brushed upon his. we only completed a few footfalls, before he was jerked from behind, spinning to face his assailant, disengaging in all taction. his features flaunting a contempt glare, but his eyes widen, face twisting into jovial excitement, taking pleasance in seeing her. i turned to face her fully. these feelings he was conveying was mutual. his arms were amorphously while he leapt into an embrace, engulfing her wholly. i went taut, bone rigid as i observed.
"hey short stuff!"
"so where've you been hiding out all this time?"
all words, all laughter, the emitted from him, genuine. no bitterness, no irony, no ill jest, simply joy. i never heard such a laugh. i tried to remain impartial, but every time i affixed my sight on them, it became more apparent my presence was obsolete. i averted my eyes, gaping aimlessly paved walkway, crossewise from my stance. it is difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over. he was still smiling at her, when i sensed his eyes falling on me, i had aready looked away, i could no longer endure it. temporarily mortified. the decay and dejection of my disposition indicating their existence, i urgently strived to shape a guise over. i felt the discretion of a female frame setting position at my side. a kind smile spread over her lips, i gave a silent acknowledgment. i soon grew distracted, as Duo motioned closer to Hilde. away from me. a sudden pang. as he prodded her with his index finger, both relishing in each other's company. i slowly angled my head when she articulated.
"afternoon, heero."
finding it difficult to fully focus on her, i offered a dull salutation, their laughter bleeding over my voice. that was the limit to our conversation, i suppose to implore a response from me, she blurted.
"were you aware quatre is here, too?" too. i repeated it in my mind. that word penetrated my psyche, piercing, ravaging, marring. its acrid undulation filling the void of my conscious. "is that so." bitterly absorbed in my thoughts.
"yes. and actually we are sharing a living arrangement." she paused. surely considering her impending proposition. "i'm sure he would like to see you?" i looked to her. palsy dissuading my condition. by nodding my head once, she took the first step, i inattentively imitated. duo with hilde ensued. i am unsure of his motive, but duo raced before us all, feet still in motion, he pivoted, confronting us, relena at my right, hilde, my left. not faltering in pace, as his feet stepping in the opposite of the according direction. his hands shooting up behind his head, cradling at the nape of his neck. vision trailing over each of us.
"well, let's not all talk at once now" he remonstrated with the addition of a chuckle. the remark spurred no other laughter but his own. my eyes were downcast, i had nothing to say. the torrent of feelings gnawing at my inter workings. my vision adjusted, scrutinizing over his feet patterns. haltingly footfalls. his heel collided with a slab of elevated concrete, his legs buckled. arms jutted out to reinstate his correct center of gravity, but to defy this fall was futile. i did not even think, simply responded, action conveying with no mental stimuli. i lunged forward, seized his flailing forearms, steadied, then propeled him to me, enabling his upright pose. disengaging in his touch, he exclaimed dramatically, "what would i do without you, heero!" more laughter. he restored our taction, weaving his arm around my back, similar to before. my limbs faltered, i quivered slightly. so he was twined with me again, i did not know how to feel.
an inaudible utterance dispersed from relena, as she quickened her pace, leading us forward. upon our permeation through the open door, duo ceased all motion in the threshold. openly leered at quatre's ailment, concealed in a cast. quatre and i exchanged brief glances, lacking a sense of security under duo's uncouth eyes. i pressed my elbow into the limber flesh of his side. his body convulsed slightly, surprisingly curt, as he can out of his trance. he strewn his limbs on the couch were quatre was positioned. as duo chimed in with, "hey buddy, long time no see." hilde and relena placed themselves on the couch as well. i remained stagnet, before the door. i slid my hands into my pockets, feeling my presence again was not necessary. duo's gaze adjusted upon me, and lingered. the conversing had dwindled. i witnessed their vision all trying to grasp something for a distraction. i saw a glimmer of quatre's soft stare, as he angled his face towards duo. duo's posture tweaked, then he did the same as he heard the syllables slip from quatre's mouth.
"did heero give you his consent for joining the preventers yet?" he sheepishly inquired. a tremor swept over my form at the sound of my name, my abdomen contracted. my muscles, drawn tight. i think i briefly lidded my eyes, and exhaled keenly. as i reached for the door handle i distinctly heard duo's shrill of quatre's name, imposing his credence on him. i closed the door behind me, with a slight excess of force.
motioning down the cement path, for a fleeting moment i hated them all. parading into the life derived from nothing, my life. i know it was wretched, but it was mine. i had made effort to detach myself from that their imposed ideals of me, their expectations of me, their sought out purpose for me. but it is not even as simple as that, if it was things would be so much more easier. they came to propose a proposition to me, each day my trepidation runs deeper. is that why he came, the sole reason. he still has never denied it. then her, relena was never one to stray from duty. and that girl i faintly remember, so close to him. is everything being stripped from me. i probably deserve this, all of this. even quatre's presence irks me. no matter how well intentioned he is. i still feel exploited. my thoughts swayed to duo. assure me my feelings are not in vain. no hypocrisy, no humoring. convince me. is it pathetic of me that if i had all my fears realized that i would still covet you. lamentation was interrupted.
a trail of foot steps, his breath slightly hurried to match his pace. impetuously he extended his back against my back, snugly inserting his finger into my back pant pocket. inclining his side of his body against mine. lightly pressing his palm on my fundament. his touch was soothing, yet inflicted pain alike. without a trigger, he lightly spoke, "i'm sorry." i relented, somewhat. my eyes must have glazed over, my body fidgeted, a breath delayed, something. he smiled, assuming his brief apology had been accepted. she was behind us, duo looked back at her, i felt his body heaving with laughter against mine. our threefold saunter ceased at the crosswalk, a light forbade us to proceed. "where did you plan on staying?" duo submitted his query. listless, my eyes were focused on the flow of traffic, obstructing us. he ceased our contact, throwing his arms into the air. "why don't you stay with me?" i took a step back. the light still blinking red. together they moved, following the contour of the sidewalk. neglecting my disposition. do not leave, i pleaded with myself. the question looming. answer lucid. flashing red. soberly i stepped off the curb. walking undeterred. between the strips of white paint on the black pavement. i perceived the screech of tires, i halted. looking upon the vechile apathetically, then proceeding, light still an incessant red.
nonentity. silence sounds. all waiting for me. i slammed the door, after my entrance. monochrome leaving my sight, all, all but exquisite red. swaths of reality blurring, as my knees gave way before my bed, sheets still amiss from this morning. i rested my chest on the mattress, my cheek pressed flat against the comforter. i closed my eyes. i made the choice to go away, in the back, off the to the side, and far away. here is the place where i hide, where i stay. i tried to say. tried to ask, i needed to. but did not. i would share everything with you, if you wanted. but there is an imbalance, things are not mutual, are they? why can you not laugh that way for me ... would you mind if i tried? i admit that was a test, and you failed. as selfish as it was, you failed. i ran away, and you still stayed. it hurts. i crawled into bed. sleep did not come. maybe what i am missing is not your affection, but my purpose. my machine. maybe wufei was correct, a soldier's purpose is war and war alone. yet, i have no desire to enable the saluter of another other. i have all the pieces, its faint impression. i would kill for you. alter my faults for your whims, just allow me to be at your side, show me how to forgive you. fix me. i am bitter. i should not be, you are my life at the moment. but I threw you the obvious, just to see if there is more behind the eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy. is that the end? have i reached my truth? you will never follow me, will you, my only friend? i cannot help but to consider this a punishment, my life, my sentence. if i can help it, i will never look into your eyes again. but that is wrong. all i want to do is get with you and make the pain go away. here I am expecting just a little bit, too much from the wounded. you have your own suffering, i need to realize this. the end of laughter and soft lies, the end of nights we tried to die. is it wrong of me to want it all or nothing. it hurts too much. and i will take what i can get. i just had the realization i cannot sleep without you by my side. my bed is made for two. i my hand groped for your body. not there. thoughts continued to plague me. all poisoned by you.
pale predawn sky. have i truly been awake that long? i purposely did not shower. in fear of losing your lingering touch. i altered my attire, tan slacks and a loose black longed sleeved shirt, buttons trailing up my chest. as i secured the last button, i decided not to wear his jacket, i lacked merit. and left. light clnging to the memory of dawn. climate devoid of all warth. inclemency bestowing its frigid kiss upon my skin. i arrived two hours early. the halls abandon. leaning against the locked door of my first period class. the deprivation of sleep possessing my stream of consciousness. thirty minutes later the instructor arrived. eyeing with odd contempt as i removed my lithe form from the door. i ignored it. he inserted the key and opened the door. i entered first, and heedlessly maneuvered to my desk. he nonchalantly sat as his own, trying to blot my presence out while he graded papers and slipped on coffee. a haze of sleep was drawn before my eyes. i set my head on the desk, forehead pressing on the cold wood, angling my arms around my head. absence of motion. i was lulled to sleep.
commence. [ 9:36 a.m. ]