here are the previous entries for the rolyplay blog of heero, if you want faster updates please proceed to: http://heero-yui.diaryland.com. or if you are interested in reading other characters' blogs or interested in applying for a character please go to: http://www.crash-down.org/gundam/ . thanks so much for your time. leave comments on the blog, please? and thank you to all you have commented! it means so much! take care!
[ note: if you feel i am vague in some parts, its intentional! lol sometimes Heero is just as clueless into what is occurring as you are. still have that desire to know all? i implore you to read the other characters blogs! heh heh ]
[ Sorry for the delay! Eeh, the site, current entries, and life have been getting unruly ... Again thanks for the commentary! heh finally spurred me to update ... and Nick Cave? ah I adore the song Red Right Hand, heh but i was going for the loose inference that the right hand is more susceptible to evil manifesting ... heh heh. And if you actually deem me worthy of your endorsement, go right ahead, lol though I am unsure why you'd want to ... lol And I heard mention of a Quatre applicant ... lol did my ears prick? Our Quatre left us ... thanks a lot guys! Take care! ]
10/19/AC 197 [ lechery ]
the mattress quivered, jostling my senses. heightening awareness. the bed frame creaked as he removed his form from it. i was striving to fend the imminent consciousness. i partially raised my right eye lid, warring through the blur, refining, gaping at him, as he pawed through my garments hanging in my closet. singling out his preference. i was leering in a discreet fashion, as he eliminated his sordid attire to replace it for more of my own. concealing his body once more. he lightly applied his frame to the mattress, hunching over to tug his books over his socked feet, proceeding to lace them up. meticulously rising, humoring my supposed inactive state. i hurriedly closed my eyes, as i heard his footfalls approach my side of the bedstead. i perceived his torso bow, strains of disarranged hair grazing over my upper abdomen. his hands supporting, on either side of my shoulders. his breath imposing on my featured, i timidly revealed my eyes, trying to mimic the first time. a soft laugh. he gingerly removed tufts of hair from my forehead, before lowering himself further. our mouths being the designated convergence point. a gesture, impeccant intent. i was in privation for more of his touch. my arms rose, encircling his back, in a desperate hope to interlock our forms, secure him to my side. he became resilient, and receded. i lowered my eye lids, as his laugh resounded.
"brush your teeth, dragon breath." he innocently insulted. i overplayed my offense to the jeer. presenting my back to him, before rearranging the sheets over my head. emitting a displeased incoherent utterance i heard his exit. if anything his affront was leaving preceding to noon. brooding over the fact he stated afternoon in his query yesterday. it was still two hours till.
before my commute to the kitchen, i actually displaced the effort and reassembled the sheets and comforter accordingly. withdrawing a bland bowl, spotted spoon, and a box of corn flakes cereal, its contents stale. allotting them span of the kitchen table, as i reached for the carton of milk encased in the refrigerator's bowels. posing my frame on the wooden chair, discharging thick pale liquid over the flecks of condensed corn by product. inserting my spoon, swirling it through the mixture, aimlessly. lacking all desire to consume this substance. my thoughts oscillating randomly. all comprised with his emanation. he was with her. i did somewhat felicitate for him, and his close acquaintance. i looked up, vision lingering on each of the three empty chairs at the table. acerbic emotions. i dropped the spoon, the metal against the glass clang was juxtaposed against the silence. my qualm was not solely with her mien, i entertained a recurring consternation of losing him. i did not deserve his encompass, his words, his voice. i was endued with duo maxwell. and i was expecting too much. for him to assume the role of my comrade, friend, and lover. i am attributed with no kindled spirits, only duo. heero swallow your grief, and do not choke on the bitterness. do not ruin your affinity with him. only take the title of lover. though i am willing to distend and apply myself to his whims. anything. for him.
emptying the contents of the bowl down the sink, with nothing else to suffice for a meal, i made the advances to the decision of obtaining groceries. flowing through the dull rituals of preparing myself to immerse myself into society with prompt dexterity. i went aboard a bus to reach any suitable market, impregnate with a wide representative collection of people. i stood, securing my footing by grasping on to metal fixture that hung from the vehicle's ceiling. i purchased the bare necessities along with the contrast of nourishment low in nutritional value. in attempt to appease duo's habitual appetite. i looped the various plastic sacks' makeshift handles over my wrists, securing them with the retention my fingers firm contraction. i reached the conclusion that i had inadequate coinage for the bus traverse back, in an arduous fashion. having to remove my form from the momentarily stationary bus. briefly assessing the correct direction, i initiated the first footfall, the parcels weight, bearing down on my limbs.
the cement track was soon afflicted with my scorn. but was propitiated by the knowledge i would be in his fellowship. each step coinciding a dalliance of the mind. making memories of events that never occurred. reliving past. we were going to be alone tonight. i was abruptly smitten. the reecho of his manifesto, that i did not want to play. thoughts snaring on the word play. what was he insinuating. i could only extrapolate. second guessing is dangerous, but i will risk it. halting all progress, positioning before the telephone booth. sliding the plastic bags loops, fully on to my wrists, as i motioned to gather the dense yellow book, dangling on a chain. propping it on the phone booth's outer structure, racking my mind for the according section. flipping to the appointed a's section, my fingertip pressing against the page, scanning down the adult book stores names. searching for a address, belonging to a store close in range. erotic endeavors. a half a mile away. i set the thick book down, repressing my chagrin.
the windows were blackened in. a neon sign flickered over the door. a sign forbade anyone under twenty-one affixed on the door. the music's superfluity bass surging through the exterior walls. i grew pensive. my disinclination for entering was evident, but i did not want it to be my folly that if our tryst did escalate, it could not proceed. anything sexual was alien to me. i did know male intercourse did require lubrication. i cringed at my nescience at executing positions, still unknowing if i would assume the dominant or servile pose. that was up to him. i would not argue. a young male clerk behind the the counter smiled at me upon my entry. i was tense. quickly averted my eyes, no matter where i gazed i was faced with something indecent. i maneuvered to a rack of books. hastily attempting to locate a title that would apply to my own situation.
"can i help you?" he politely offered. i jumped at the sound of his question, stumbling back. careening into a display of pornographic videos. he chuckled thinly, then made a gesture that he would be at my service. pride wounded, i attempted to select some books. sex tips for gay guys by dan anderson. gay sex: a manual for men who love men by jack hart. men loving men: a gay sex guide by mitch walke. i gathered them all, balancing them, disturbing their weight evenly. we exchanged brief glances as i wove through the aisles. he showed no malicious scrutiny. i diverted my attention to the assorted capped tubes. reaching for the k-y brand. text reading, anal/vag lubrication-jelly condom safe. that reminded me. i needed those as well. suddenly self-conscious, considering if duo's virginity had been intact. i tried to shake that off. carefully passing through another aisle. the condoms were hanging off a rack, attached to a wall right of the register counter. a variety of boxes. i drew closer, timid in manner. pausing all motions, systematically examining the text on each box. i raised and extended my arm, hand about to pull a box off. then i took notice to legible bold text, plastered on each package. regular, large, or extra large. my hand froze in mid air. fingers retracted. i went to reach again, yet recoiled. again. i simply had no idea which container held my proper size . bewildered, i stared on. "they don't bite." his voice boomed. frustrated. uncomfortable. i sheepishly took one of each.
i walked to the register, placing the books, boxes, and tube on the glass counter, avoiding to bestow my gaze on what the glass was encasing. he produced a brown paper bag, unfolding it, ascribing it on the span's mass. he eagerly began to ring up the books, placing each precisely in the bag's provided void. while clutching the last volume, he looked up at me and spoke with a coated tone. " you know ... you can't learn everything in a book." he pointed out. i swallowed thickly. " i could teach you." he offered through a mouth pulled into a grin. i felt the heat of my reddened features.
"...what?" my voice cracked, sounding like a puberal boy. he snickered while ringing up the other items. concealing them all into the brown sack. the twenty-something clerk did not dictate the the total price, his delay due to him walking around the counter. i grew apprehensive. willing myself not to look at his toiling beyond my back. he materialized again, ostentatiously supporting candles. twenty or so amassed by cellophane.
"first time." he observed. smirking, "better make it special! ... if only my boyfriend went to such lengths, i would be so much happier." he stuffed the candles into paper satchel. i handed him a hundred dollar bill, he omitted the price of the candles from the bill. as i left he pronouced. "he's lucky to have you! have fun!"
i rushed home. some of the groceries were beginning to melt, and i had reading to complete. immured the items in the cabinets or refrigerator. hiding the cylinder of lubrication and boxes of condoms in the drawer of the nightstand adjacent to the bed. sitting on the floor, back inclined on the side of the mattress i cracked open the books. trying to fully comprehend and absorb all the material. rereading certain passages in till i felt confident with what it was conveying. i spend several hours going through the books. ceasing when i glanced at the clock, displaying the time, five seven. i shot up. stuffing the books under the bed. racing up, to take another shower. i was overly discriminative in my choice of attire. finally compromising, loose light blue denim jeans, secured by a black leather belt, and a white button up long sleeved shirt. no socks, or shoes. daylight was fading as i stood before the bathroom mirror. fastening the buttons in the slits of fabric, i looked at myself. discontent. it was too bland. my hand rose to my chest, a single finger coaxing each button free. i ran my hand through my hair, followed by a nervous sigh. trepidation that i did not achieve sexual appeal. i had spend an hour scrutinizing over my appearance. i was anxious, my nerves were swelling. i suddenly remembered the candles, i spirited out to the kitchen, fumbling through a drawer in search of matches. clenching on to them triumphantly, promptly tore off the plastic off the package. contemplating there fixed designation. i strewn ten around the bed frame, some on the dresser, some on the floor. i thought it was best to spread the remaining yellowish cylinders of wax through the living room. placing a few on stereo located on the computer desk, the coffee table, and the hard wood floor. night had descended.
i inserted my more subdued classical cd collection into the stereo. as i lit the last candle, i heard a knock at the door, i purposely locked it before hand. my body quavered uncontrollably, enabling the flickering flame to caress my finger. a hiss of pain, curling my upper lip in contempt. i encircled the singed tissue into the palm of my other hand, and i rose. my hands were trembling as i motioned to the door, i rapidly rubbed my hands together. i was close enough to open it. i reached for the knob, flicking the lock free, twisting it, enabling its release. i could not look at him just yet, as i pulled it open, as i angled my face to the side. leaning my lithe form against the door frame. i spoke, attempting to evoke enticement. "i have been expecting you." no reply. i forced myself to meet his eyes. tear brimming eyes. her blank expression. i opened to speak but i faltered. she sharply spun to leave. this pain, i am the cause. i did not want to befoul her any longer. i did not know what infact she is to me, but i am aware of my tender coil for her. i need to be redeemed by the one i have sinned against. i latched on to her arm. "do not go." she complied. i lead her into enclosed space of my quarters. the fleeting oblivion to the atmosphere i attempted to created. she stepped away from me, her back facing me, still moments of silence. i heard a few muffled sobs. i spoke her name with question. she directed her tear soaked face at me. her mouth parted to speak, no words ensued. she shook her head in defeat. my eyes went downcast, i heard her footsteps drift away. frame posing on the cushions of the couch. she cradled her face in her open palms. her delicate frame heaving. i ventured closer. sitting next to her, placing my hand on her shoulder. she lifted her upper body and imposed our embrace. her cries softened by my shoulder. she slanted her head away, and with a wavering voice she questioned.
"what's wrong with me ... ? why can't we be together?" i stiffen my stance. i enabled more space to form between us. slowly, softly, firmly pulling away.
"you are a dove relena." her fingers amassed the fabric of my open shirt. i repeated. "a dove. it would be against nature for you to consort with a wolf of war. a snake of sin." i paused, feeling my voice cracking. i was cresting with emotion. "duo and i. we are strings derived from the same cloth." i could not will myself to proceed.
"i am sorry." she stammered. i drew her into a hug, mimicking duo and hilde's movements.
"do not be." i whispered. she lingered in my hold. before finally pulling away. i mustered a smile. she looked down. i rose with her, and escorted her to the door. i motioned to open it, but she did it before i could. standing outside the threshold, she looked back. i held her stare. she walked away. gingerly shutting the door. i willed my collapse into the door, bracing myself with open hands. lined with self-pity, i announced. "i am going to die a virgin."
jarring laughter erupted from the bedroom, its futile filter, failing. conscious of who's lips it emitted from. trying to be recondite about my embarrassment. "i didn't hear you come in." i stressed, averting my eyes, affixing my sight on the shadow throbbing in laughs. panting, to stable his breathing repetition.
"of course not"! he exuberantly exclaimed. a failed attempt. i was afflicted with shame. as i receded to the couch, in a dejected stagger. enfolded arms, placement on my poorly covered chest. i suppose leaving the shirt open was a little much. tormenting myself lack for of foresight, bereft of his compliance. i blamed my lasciviousness. i did set myself up for this fall. but i tried. i found myself in doubt. what does he want from me? not a lover, then what? i was barely aware of duo removing his shoes, before he penetrated the kitchen. i gawked at the fluid contours of the candle's flame. sinking deeper into my awkward fault. his discourse interrupting my sullen introspection. "when did you go shopping?" he asked loudly. pausing for a response. i offered none. never lifting my gaze. "what's the special occasion?" i grimaced. he was succeeding agitating the suffrance. i heard the hum of the freezer compartment being exposed. "score!" he vehemently cried. his stifled footfalls, feet clad in cotton. nearing my disposition. in spite of my salacity, he situated his body close to me, arranging leg over my own. i constrained my stature, muscles tightening under his taction. i leered at him, scorn imbuing my features. he drove the tip of the spoon into the carton of ice cream, cradled in his handles. scooping an excessive amount. bringing the spoon to his mouth, but not inserting it, rather opening his mouth. tongue sliding over his lips. lapping it up. licking profusely. coiling his tongue around the metal. i tried to thwart away my arousal. he slowly turned to me, eyeing me mischievously. his mouth went ajar.
"so good it'll make your dick hard!" he taunted, coy snickering. i jutted my legs foward. spurring in an upright stance. firmly placing my bare feet on the floor, in a swift pace. enclosing myself in the bathroom. resolutely closing the door behind me, turning the door's lock. absurd notion, indecent entirely. but things already transgressed into a complete catastrophe. why not. "that can't be healthy, you know!" i heard his faint deride. i sat on the bath tub's porcelain rim. unlatching the belt, unfastening the button, lowering the zipper. onanism easily achieved. though almost retarded my the lesion on my finger from the flame. inciting pain, enabling an ungainly coercion. i ejaculated. enmeshing the mucilaginous seminal fluid in my right palm. mooring my pants. not bothering to tighten the belt in place. remerging into the living room, i regained my pose on the couch. he was still consuming the ice cream, unaltered. i swabbed the contents in my palm on his knee, dragging my hand down to his thigh.
"you do know these are yours, right?" he angled his face at me. grinning perplexed.
"i want them back, then." i soberly proclaimed. duo was obedient, rising, with one hand initiated the button to become undone. the pants becoming slack around his hips, tugging them off. then repelling them at me. calmly sitting back down at my side. he immersed the spoon into the carton again, devouring another serving. i became taut when he leaned closer me, mouth hovering at my ear. nervous tension. is this ...
"mmmmmmm ..." overplaying luxuria. i was balked. defeated. discomfited with his toying. i stiffly left his company, withdrawing to my room. in hope seclusion would numb these emotions. i spread the sheets back, and in shuffling gait, i concealed myself in the bedding. propped on one side, displaying my back to the door way, attempting to elude his further mockery. time lapsed. pale light from the doorway faded. creaks of footsteps through the hall. "if i didn't know better, i'd say you were trying to seduce me." he vexed. frustration. i hurled pillow, that was conveniently placed at my side, at his face. soon the bed fathered both of our weight. his hand snared on my waist, light pressure. urging me on my back. hesitantly he made our margin nonexistent. shrouding my lower abdomen with his arms.
"you can be very charming when you want to be," he whispered. coaxing our converge further, thinly smearing his lips over the flesh of my neck. twining our legs. situating his arm on my torso, his fingers creeping over my stomach, inserting beneath my shirt. i quivered. he was only adorned in the scanty fabric of his boxers, worn and thin. exerting against me. his open hand sliding, descending down my chest. two fingers catching on the edge of my denim jeans. his movement ceased. i closed my eyes for the last time that night. and mused, if could just pretend that you love me, this night would lose all sense of fear. but why do i need you to love me?
commence. [ 11:25 p.m. ]
[ note: if you feel i am vague in some parts, its intentional! lol sometimes Heero is just as clueless into what is occurring as you are. still have that desire to know all? i implore you to read the other characters blogs! heh heh ]
[ Sorry for the delay! Eeh, the site, current entries, and life have been getting unruly ... Again thanks for the commentary! heh finally spurred me to update ... and Nick Cave? ah I adore the song Red Right Hand, heh but i was going for the loose inference that the right hand is more susceptible to evil manifesting ... heh heh. And if you actually deem me worthy of your endorsement, go right ahead, lol though I am unsure why you'd want to ... lol And I heard mention of a Quatre applicant ... lol did my ears prick? Our Quatre left us ... thanks a lot guys! Take care! ]
10/19/AC 197 [ lechery ]
the mattress quivered, jostling my senses. heightening awareness. the bed frame creaked as he removed his form from it. i was striving to fend the imminent consciousness. i partially raised my right eye lid, warring through the blur, refining, gaping at him, as he pawed through my garments hanging in my closet. singling out his preference. i was leering in a discreet fashion, as he eliminated his sordid attire to replace it for more of my own. concealing his body once more. he lightly applied his frame to the mattress, hunching over to tug his books over his socked feet, proceeding to lace them up. meticulously rising, humoring my supposed inactive state. i hurriedly closed my eyes, as i heard his footfalls approach my side of the bedstead. i perceived his torso bow, strains of disarranged hair grazing over my upper abdomen. his hands supporting, on either side of my shoulders. his breath imposing on my featured, i timidly revealed my eyes, trying to mimic the first time. a soft laugh. he gingerly removed tufts of hair from my forehead, before lowering himself further. our mouths being the designated convergence point. a gesture, impeccant intent. i was in privation for more of his touch. my arms rose, encircling his back, in a desperate hope to interlock our forms, secure him to my side. he became resilient, and receded. i lowered my eye lids, as his laugh resounded.
"brush your teeth, dragon breath." he innocently insulted. i overplayed my offense to the jeer. presenting my back to him, before rearranging the sheets over my head. emitting a displeased incoherent utterance i heard his exit. if anything his affront was leaving preceding to noon. brooding over the fact he stated afternoon in his query yesterday. it was still two hours till.
before my commute to the kitchen, i actually displaced the effort and reassembled the sheets and comforter accordingly. withdrawing a bland bowl, spotted spoon, and a box of corn flakes cereal, its contents stale. allotting them span of the kitchen table, as i reached for the carton of milk encased in the refrigerator's bowels. posing my frame on the wooden chair, discharging thick pale liquid over the flecks of condensed corn by product. inserting my spoon, swirling it through the mixture, aimlessly. lacking all desire to consume this substance. my thoughts oscillating randomly. all comprised with his emanation. he was with her. i did somewhat felicitate for him, and his close acquaintance. i looked up, vision lingering on each of the three empty chairs at the table. acerbic emotions. i dropped the spoon, the metal against the glass clang was juxtaposed against the silence. my qualm was not solely with her mien, i entertained a recurring consternation of losing him. i did not deserve his encompass, his words, his voice. i was endued with duo maxwell. and i was expecting too much. for him to assume the role of my comrade, friend, and lover. i am attributed with no kindled spirits, only duo. heero swallow your grief, and do not choke on the bitterness. do not ruin your affinity with him. only take the title of lover. though i am willing to distend and apply myself to his whims. anything. for him.
emptying the contents of the bowl down the sink, with nothing else to suffice for a meal, i made the advances to the decision of obtaining groceries. flowing through the dull rituals of preparing myself to immerse myself into society with prompt dexterity. i went aboard a bus to reach any suitable market, impregnate with a wide representative collection of people. i stood, securing my footing by grasping on to metal fixture that hung from the vehicle's ceiling. i purchased the bare necessities along with the contrast of nourishment low in nutritional value. in attempt to appease duo's habitual appetite. i looped the various plastic sacks' makeshift handles over my wrists, securing them with the retention my fingers firm contraction. i reached the conclusion that i had inadequate coinage for the bus traverse back, in an arduous fashion. having to remove my form from the momentarily stationary bus. briefly assessing the correct direction, i initiated the first footfall, the parcels weight, bearing down on my limbs.
the cement track was soon afflicted with my scorn. but was propitiated by the knowledge i would be in his fellowship. each step coinciding a dalliance of the mind. making memories of events that never occurred. reliving past. we were going to be alone tonight. i was abruptly smitten. the reecho of his manifesto, that i did not want to play. thoughts snaring on the word play. what was he insinuating. i could only extrapolate. second guessing is dangerous, but i will risk it. halting all progress, positioning before the telephone booth. sliding the plastic bags loops, fully on to my wrists, as i motioned to gather the dense yellow book, dangling on a chain. propping it on the phone booth's outer structure, racking my mind for the according section. flipping to the appointed a's section, my fingertip pressing against the page, scanning down the adult book stores names. searching for a address, belonging to a store close in range. erotic endeavors. a half a mile away. i set the thick book down, repressing my chagrin.
the windows were blackened in. a neon sign flickered over the door. a sign forbade anyone under twenty-one affixed on the door. the music's superfluity bass surging through the exterior walls. i grew pensive. my disinclination for entering was evident, but i did not want it to be my folly that if our tryst did escalate, it could not proceed. anything sexual was alien to me. i did know male intercourse did require lubrication. i cringed at my nescience at executing positions, still unknowing if i would assume the dominant or servile pose. that was up to him. i would not argue. a young male clerk behind the the counter smiled at me upon my entry. i was tense. quickly averted my eyes, no matter where i gazed i was faced with something indecent. i maneuvered to a rack of books. hastily attempting to locate a title that would apply to my own situation.
"can i help you?" he politely offered. i jumped at the sound of his question, stumbling back. careening into a display of pornographic videos. he chuckled thinly, then made a gesture that he would be at my service. pride wounded, i attempted to select some books. sex tips for gay guys by dan anderson. gay sex: a manual for men who love men by jack hart. men loving men: a gay sex guide by mitch walke. i gathered them all, balancing them, disturbing their weight evenly. we exchanged brief glances as i wove through the aisles. he showed no malicious scrutiny. i diverted my attention to the assorted capped tubes. reaching for the k-y brand. text reading, anal/vag lubrication-jelly condom safe. that reminded me. i needed those as well. suddenly self-conscious, considering if duo's virginity had been intact. i tried to shake that off. carefully passing through another aisle. the condoms were hanging off a rack, attached to a wall right of the register counter. a variety of boxes. i drew closer, timid in manner. pausing all motions, systematically examining the text on each box. i raised and extended my arm, hand about to pull a box off. then i took notice to legible bold text, plastered on each package. regular, large, or extra large. my hand froze in mid air. fingers retracted. i went to reach again, yet recoiled. again. i simply had no idea which container held my proper size . bewildered, i stared on. "they don't bite." his voice boomed. frustrated. uncomfortable. i sheepishly took one of each.
i walked to the register, placing the books, boxes, and tube on the glass counter, avoiding to bestow my gaze on what the glass was encasing. he produced a brown paper bag, unfolding it, ascribing it on the span's mass. he eagerly began to ring up the books, placing each precisely in the bag's provided void. while clutching the last volume, he looked up at me and spoke with a coated tone. " you know ... you can't learn everything in a book." he pointed out. i swallowed thickly. " i could teach you." he offered through a mouth pulled into a grin. i felt the heat of my reddened features.
"...what?" my voice cracked, sounding like a puberal boy. he snickered while ringing up the other items. concealing them all into the brown sack. the twenty-something clerk did not dictate the the total price, his delay due to him walking around the counter. i grew apprehensive. willing myself not to look at his toiling beyond my back. he materialized again, ostentatiously supporting candles. twenty or so amassed by cellophane.
"first time." he observed. smirking, "better make it special! ... if only my boyfriend went to such lengths, i would be so much happier." he stuffed the candles into paper satchel. i handed him a hundred dollar bill, he omitted the price of the candles from the bill. as i left he pronouced. "he's lucky to have you! have fun!"
i rushed home. some of the groceries were beginning to melt, and i had reading to complete. immured the items in the cabinets or refrigerator. hiding the cylinder of lubrication and boxes of condoms in the drawer of the nightstand adjacent to the bed. sitting on the floor, back inclined on the side of the mattress i cracked open the books. trying to fully comprehend and absorb all the material. rereading certain passages in till i felt confident with what it was conveying. i spend several hours going through the books. ceasing when i glanced at the clock, displaying the time, five seven. i shot up. stuffing the books under the bed. racing up, to take another shower. i was overly discriminative in my choice of attire. finally compromising, loose light blue denim jeans, secured by a black leather belt, and a white button up long sleeved shirt. no socks, or shoes. daylight was fading as i stood before the bathroom mirror. fastening the buttons in the slits of fabric, i looked at myself. discontent. it was too bland. my hand rose to my chest, a single finger coaxing each button free. i ran my hand through my hair, followed by a nervous sigh. trepidation that i did not achieve sexual appeal. i had spend an hour scrutinizing over my appearance. i was anxious, my nerves were swelling. i suddenly remembered the candles, i spirited out to the kitchen, fumbling through a drawer in search of matches. clenching on to them triumphantly, promptly tore off the plastic off the package. contemplating there fixed designation. i strewn ten around the bed frame, some on the dresser, some on the floor. i thought it was best to spread the remaining yellowish cylinders of wax through the living room. placing a few on stereo located on the computer desk, the coffee table, and the hard wood floor. night had descended.
i inserted my more subdued classical cd collection into the stereo. as i lit the last candle, i heard a knock at the door, i purposely locked it before hand. my body quavered uncontrollably, enabling the flickering flame to caress my finger. a hiss of pain, curling my upper lip in contempt. i encircled the singed tissue into the palm of my other hand, and i rose. my hands were trembling as i motioned to the door, i rapidly rubbed my hands together. i was close enough to open it. i reached for the knob, flicking the lock free, twisting it, enabling its release. i could not look at him just yet, as i pulled it open, as i angled my face to the side. leaning my lithe form against the door frame. i spoke, attempting to evoke enticement. "i have been expecting you." no reply. i forced myself to meet his eyes. tear brimming eyes. her blank expression. i opened to speak but i faltered. she sharply spun to leave. this pain, i am the cause. i did not want to befoul her any longer. i did not know what infact she is to me, but i am aware of my tender coil for her. i need to be redeemed by the one i have sinned against. i latched on to her arm. "do not go." she complied. i lead her into enclosed space of my quarters. the fleeting oblivion to the atmosphere i attempted to created. she stepped away from me, her back facing me, still moments of silence. i heard a few muffled sobs. i spoke her name with question. she directed her tear soaked face at me. her mouth parted to speak, no words ensued. she shook her head in defeat. my eyes went downcast, i heard her footsteps drift away. frame posing on the cushions of the couch. she cradled her face in her open palms. her delicate frame heaving. i ventured closer. sitting next to her, placing my hand on her shoulder. she lifted her upper body and imposed our embrace. her cries softened by my shoulder. she slanted her head away, and with a wavering voice she questioned.
"what's wrong with me ... ? why can't we be together?" i stiffen my stance. i enabled more space to form between us. slowly, softly, firmly pulling away.
"you are a dove relena." her fingers amassed the fabric of my open shirt. i repeated. "a dove. it would be against nature for you to consort with a wolf of war. a snake of sin." i paused, feeling my voice cracking. i was cresting with emotion. "duo and i. we are strings derived from the same cloth." i could not will myself to proceed.
"i am sorry." she stammered. i drew her into a hug, mimicking duo and hilde's movements.
"do not be." i whispered. she lingered in my hold. before finally pulling away. i mustered a smile. she looked down. i rose with her, and escorted her to the door. i motioned to open it, but she did it before i could. standing outside the threshold, she looked back. i held her stare. she walked away. gingerly shutting the door. i willed my collapse into the door, bracing myself with open hands. lined with self-pity, i announced. "i am going to die a virgin."
jarring laughter erupted from the bedroom, its futile filter, failing. conscious of who's lips it emitted from. trying to be recondite about my embarrassment. "i didn't hear you come in." i stressed, averting my eyes, affixing my sight on the shadow throbbing in laughs. panting, to stable his breathing repetition.
"of course not"! he exuberantly exclaimed. a failed attempt. i was afflicted with shame. as i receded to the couch, in a dejected stagger. enfolded arms, placement on my poorly covered chest. i suppose leaving the shirt open was a little much. tormenting myself lack for of foresight, bereft of his compliance. i blamed my lasciviousness. i did set myself up for this fall. but i tried. i found myself in doubt. what does he want from me? not a lover, then what? i was barely aware of duo removing his shoes, before he penetrated the kitchen. i gawked at the fluid contours of the candle's flame. sinking deeper into my awkward fault. his discourse interrupting my sullen introspection. "when did you go shopping?" he asked loudly. pausing for a response. i offered none. never lifting my gaze. "what's the special occasion?" i grimaced. he was succeeding agitating the suffrance. i heard the hum of the freezer compartment being exposed. "score!" he vehemently cried. his stifled footfalls, feet clad in cotton. nearing my disposition. in spite of my salacity, he situated his body close to me, arranging leg over my own. i constrained my stature, muscles tightening under his taction. i leered at him, scorn imbuing my features. he drove the tip of the spoon into the carton of ice cream, cradled in his handles. scooping an excessive amount. bringing the spoon to his mouth, but not inserting it, rather opening his mouth. tongue sliding over his lips. lapping it up. licking profusely. coiling his tongue around the metal. i tried to thwart away my arousal. he slowly turned to me, eyeing me mischievously. his mouth went ajar.
"so good it'll make your dick hard!" he taunted, coy snickering. i jutted my legs foward. spurring in an upright stance. firmly placing my bare feet on the floor, in a swift pace. enclosing myself in the bathroom. resolutely closing the door behind me, turning the door's lock. absurd notion, indecent entirely. but things already transgressed into a complete catastrophe. why not. "that can't be healthy, you know!" i heard his faint deride. i sat on the bath tub's porcelain rim. unlatching the belt, unfastening the button, lowering the zipper. onanism easily achieved. though almost retarded my the lesion on my finger from the flame. inciting pain, enabling an ungainly coercion. i ejaculated. enmeshing the mucilaginous seminal fluid in my right palm. mooring my pants. not bothering to tighten the belt in place. remerging into the living room, i regained my pose on the couch. he was still consuming the ice cream, unaltered. i swabbed the contents in my palm on his knee, dragging my hand down to his thigh.
"you do know these are yours, right?" he angled his face at me. grinning perplexed.
"i want them back, then." i soberly proclaimed. duo was obedient, rising, with one hand initiated the button to become undone. the pants becoming slack around his hips, tugging them off. then repelling them at me. calmly sitting back down at my side. he immersed the spoon into the carton again, devouring another serving. i became taut when he leaned closer me, mouth hovering at my ear. nervous tension. is this ...
"mmmmmmm ..." overplaying luxuria. i was balked. defeated. discomfited with his toying. i stiffly left his company, withdrawing to my room. in hope seclusion would numb these emotions. i spread the sheets back, and in shuffling gait, i concealed myself in the bedding. propped on one side, displaying my back to the door way, attempting to elude his further mockery. time lapsed. pale light from the doorway faded. creaks of footsteps through the hall. "if i didn't know better, i'd say you were trying to seduce me." he vexed. frustration. i hurled pillow, that was conveniently placed at my side, at his face. soon the bed fathered both of our weight. his hand snared on my waist, light pressure. urging me on my back. hesitantly he made our margin nonexistent. shrouding my lower abdomen with his arms.
"you can be very charming when you want to be," he whispered. coaxing our converge further, thinly smearing his lips over the flesh of my neck. twining our legs. situating his arm on my torso, his fingers creeping over my stomach, inserting beneath my shirt. i quivered. he was only adorned in the scanty fabric of his boxers, worn and thin. exerting against me. his open hand sliding, descending down my chest. two fingers catching on the edge of my denim jeans. his movement ceased. i closed my eyes for the last time that night. and mused, if could just pretend that you love me, this night would lose all sense of fear. but why do i need you to love me?
commence. [ 11:25 p.m. ]