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10/24/AC 197 [ presumptuous ]
i lay in asunder. this lacking is engendering a void. validation nonexistent. i do not know what words to say, how to conduct my actions. i am withdrawn. inconsistency devising demeanor distant. i do not mean to be rendered remote. nescience to your intent, your body speaks, but your mouth is mute. which do i bestow my trust in? sometimes, they contradict. i am subordinating to your arbitrary caprices, no matter how addle they alter, i will supervene. the cultivation of imposed education was elapsing. our mathematics period. refining attention solely on the instructor, the paucity brattle. a single number two pencil wheeling across the hard floor. conveniently yielding motion against my foot. diverting my regard to the possessor, my features tentative. provisionally bowing my pose in the desk, fingers trapping the stem of the writing utensil. still occupying my lowered position, he emanated from his chair, crouching on his haunches in the middle of the aisle , our proximity swollen. i was espial to his surefooted smirk, before his lips separated, enabling a stifled tone. "let's say we go for a spin after school?" i thinly cocked my head to the side. faces drawn nigh. "i just had the greatest idea." he arched his brow. a solitary nod in swift curt. i indifferently repelled the pencil, aimed at his desk, reengaging in an upright stance. he sequenced, properly situated in his desk.
the bell resonated. duo promptly vacated the classroom. my languor brought me into the filling hall, his effervescent footfalls carried his body down the extent of the corridor. my ambulation was deferred. irked by my rate he reversed, wove his arm through my elbow angle and torso. i succumbed to his conduce, tethered by inconspicuous rope. we advanced through the entranceway, rushed in step. incited to his vehicle's passenger door. the car in motion, his maneuvering evoked more contemptuous attention by pedestrians. prevailing inclination did not concur with exasperation to the motoring of his intermediation. i was too absorbed introspective arbitration. i suspected he was devoid of direction. only once did his gaudy procession jarred me from my passive position, when he nearly clipped decrepit female, i glanced at him wincing, repressing my rebuke.
he stationed the car accordingly between the designated parking space, signified by white strips of paint. i gawked at fluorescent sign: skin art studios. his driver side door shut, i apprehensively exited the vehcile's bowels. deficient of his avidity. he tarried beside the door, as i neared he clasped my hand lightly urging me. the decor was brash, i was captivated. not cognizance that duo transgressed motionless, my body careened into his still stance. he laughed softly then detached the taction of our hands. he confronted the counter, i drifted away. aimlessly roaming the orifice of the establishment. scanning the innumerable designs of tattoos they are capable of producing, displayed on laminated sheets of papers, covering the walls. i conjectured the reasoning behind our venturing into this parlor was that duo desired to have indelible pigment scarred on to his skin. he was volatile, so this whim did not phrase me much. i cradled a binder, further displaying more aesthetic endeavors. page after page, all the impressions were originated from tribal or ethic inspiration. futilely selecting which mark i would like to adorn his body. i envisioned intricate lines henna imbued on his hands. those hands skimming my body. i tried not to smile. to hide my animated arousal. which was easily done, when i was reminded that duo's particular taste would have him be inclined to stain his body with a garish hackneyed skull and with two crossed bones symbol, or some naked female wielding a scythe. i cringed, that would not appease my esthetic derived preference. my concentration was compelled.
"this guy over here" duo announced. i did not consider he possible variation he had the intent of myself getting ink embedded into my skin. i began to toy with the idea, only for a brief moment. duo continued, "wants 'insert here' on his ass, how much would that cost?" his outlandish manifesto was incomprehendible. i felt the pallor taint my epidermis. i glowered at him, my eyebrows contorted into a scowl. he was concealing his amusement. the man gestured to us unevenly.
"are you two ..." his query was obstructed.
"next? yes, i think so ." his rapid response. my sudden vulnerability habored vexation. i abruptly shut the binder with an excessive amount exertion, proceeding to allot it upon the table i took it from. trailing them into another room. duo was soon trammeled within the chair, fashioned solely for this line of business. he was handed several vials of metal studs, ranging in thickness and shape. it dawned on me that he was here to get a piercing. he selected a metallic hoop, scanty in radius, paying no heed to the man's warnings not to select that as the trail ear ring. his sight was affixed on me as the man cleansed the lobe, pricking with needle recently removed from an alcoholic solution, coaxing the metal into the new puncture. i countered his stare, devoid of envincing emotion, not hinting at my scorn or uncertainty. he leapt from the chair, readily bound across the room, assessing his new addition in the mirror. i meandered to his formal spot, the certified cosmetic piercer complied. displaying the same glass containers to me, i selected to most recommended one. a bland stud, stainless steel ball. i caught duo's gaze in mirror's reflection. he grinned. we made our way to the exit, the clerk cleared his throat.
"you only paid for one." i was obtusely stunned, consumed by a blank idiom. apparently my assumption was incorrect. duo had just wanted me there. i reversed my course, muttered an apology and formally purchased my piercing.
in his vehicle my insecurity was heightening. i faintly heard the utterances emitted by duo's mouth, the chorus to the melody that the radio was presenting. i was pawing at my inflamed earlobe, scraping the metal rod along the wounded flesh. slightly aware of the blood lacing my fingertips. the steady rhythm of throe, slow and mad. only agitated more so by my imbecility. how could i infer he wanted me to be pierced as well. it made me realize how i was exigently striving for some symbolization of what we have. my compressing became more violent, i winced at the pain induced. actuating my vigilance to the car's motions. i did not fully think before i vocalized.
"duo, my apartment is nowhere near here." i modestly objected, filtering and calculating my intonation.
"we're not going back to your place." almost mimicking my pitch. i refrained from speech. becoming quiescent. introverted for the remainder of the commute to his home, only the music sufficing for sound. somehow i felt it was not loud enough to drown out the relling reproach in my head.
upon entry of his domicile i retreated into the lavatory, clutching my ear, closing the door shut after me. critically inspecting my ear's abrasion in my mirror image bathed in sterile light. the lobe was swollen, the scarlet crust caked on around the metal rod protruding from my skin. i yanked toilet tissue from the roll. amassing it in my palm, with my other hand, i uncapped the bottle of cleansing fluid the clerk offered. sopping the absorbent paper with the solution. i brought my hand to my ear, blotting around the lacerated tissue, dousing the gash. ignoring the strident stinging sensation. i gazed at my lackluster eyes, facial features lax, blank. i was suddenly repulsed by the manipulation of my flesh. the drenched clump of cellulose pulp slipped from my retention. i clenched down on my auricle, a pang. my thumb and index finger on either side of the ear lobe, surrounding the metal rod, irefully, violently weighing down. i did not care. i wanted to tear, pull, rip it from my flesh. it resumed hemorrhaging, profusely pouring blood. coaxing over my struggling fingers. drops of blood fell in to the sink, oozing over the porcelain, streaming down to the drain. i ceased, exasperated. i hunched over the sink facility, supported by my bloodied palms. i exhaled sharply. i can not endure this for much longer.
i needed to cleanse the bathroom, i gingerly twisted the knob of the faucet, placing my soiled hands under the designated down pour, copiously rubbing my hands together. proceeding to cup them, amassing water in my palms then releasing it over the high trails of my expelled body fluid. the water swirling around the drain, stained pink. as for the blood imbuing the tiles, i could not use the pale tinted towels. i removed his black t-shirt from body, improvising with the opaque fabric, i began to daub the crimson up. the water was still running when i heard his voice, filtered by the closed door. "heero...come to bed," a complaining command. i knew an excessive amount of time had lapsed. appeased with my scavenge, i removed my pants, and slipped the white t-shirt he had provided over my head. motioning to part the door past the mirror, i caught a glimpse of my redden ear, a flicker of spurn, i enveloped it in my hand. as ushered the door open, pausing to gape at the mattress, supporting his weight. he went awry, his upward extending arm yielding the bedding, exposing his form, somewhat, creating a gap to fit my body. i was reluctant, yet still, i flicked the light switch enabling darkness to shroud the room. my foot falls carried my body to the opposing side of the bed. i parted the sheets for myself, producing distance between our shapes. his long deep breath exhaled. i was stiff, my muscles taut, i rested my hands, overlapping, on my midsection. unable to lid my eyes. the mattress trembled. duo's body drew nearer, timorously. i reverted to the coercion of my configuration in the same direction. reinstating our margin. his profile closed in again, i widened our proximity. the repetition of this process was ephemeral, the span of the mattress of the bed was insufficant. i tried to avert the fall, futilely latching on to an object, a pillow inept to equilibrate my mass. i impacted with carpeted floor, the pillow landing on my chest. he leaned over the bed, gazing at my plight, a coy smile brimming. i glowered, my hands jutted up, forcefully disheveling the top quilt. crawling across the floor, to a wider distance from the bedstead, i threw my body down, stuffing the pillow beneath my head, knotting the blanket around my legs, enveloping my chest with it. my side being the base of my pose, displaying my back to him. precluding his existence i squeezed my eyes shut, ignoring the blaring pain of my ear, encased between my head and the cotton clad cushion.
i wanted to leave, but i remained on the floor. i did not want to offend him, maybe i am too presumptuous, entertaining the idea that the absence of my body in this apartment would cause him distress. i know nothing, not were i stand, not how you feel. why cannot i will myself to leave. why cannot i explain? just in case, that is why. just in case, if you feel the same.
commence. [ 8:59 p.m. ]
10/24/AC 197 [ presumptuous ]
i lay in asunder. this lacking is engendering a void. validation nonexistent. i do not know what words to say, how to conduct my actions. i am withdrawn. inconsistency devising demeanor distant. i do not mean to be rendered remote. nescience to your intent, your body speaks, but your mouth is mute. which do i bestow my trust in? sometimes, they contradict. i am subordinating to your arbitrary caprices, no matter how addle they alter, i will supervene. the cultivation of imposed education was elapsing. our mathematics period. refining attention solely on the instructor, the paucity brattle. a single number two pencil wheeling across the hard floor. conveniently yielding motion against my foot. diverting my regard to the possessor, my features tentative. provisionally bowing my pose in the desk, fingers trapping the stem of the writing utensil. still occupying my lowered position, he emanated from his chair, crouching on his haunches in the middle of the aisle , our proximity swollen. i was espial to his surefooted smirk, before his lips separated, enabling a stifled tone. "let's say we go for a spin after school?" i thinly cocked my head to the side. faces drawn nigh. "i just had the greatest idea." he arched his brow. a solitary nod in swift curt. i indifferently repelled the pencil, aimed at his desk, reengaging in an upright stance. he sequenced, properly situated in his desk.
the bell resonated. duo promptly vacated the classroom. my languor brought me into the filling hall, his effervescent footfalls carried his body down the extent of the corridor. my ambulation was deferred. irked by my rate he reversed, wove his arm through my elbow angle and torso. i succumbed to his conduce, tethered by inconspicuous rope. we advanced through the entranceway, rushed in step. incited to his vehicle's passenger door. the car in motion, his maneuvering evoked more contemptuous attention by pedestrians. prevailing inclination did not concur with exasperation to the motoring of his intermediation. i was too absorbed introspective arbitration. i suspected he was devoid of direction. only once did his gaudy procession jarred me from my passive position, when he nearly clipped decrepit female, i glanced at him wincing, repressing my rebuke.
he stationed the car accordingly between the designated parking space, signified by white strips of paint. i gawked at fluorescent sign: skin art studios. his driver side door shut, i apprehensively exited the vehcile's bowels. deficient of his avidity. he tarried beside the door, as i neared he clasped my hand lightly urging me. the decor was brash, i was captivated. not cognizance that duo transgressed motionless, my body careened into his still stance. he laughed softly then detached the taction of our hands. he confronted the counter, i drifted away. aimlessly roaming the orifice of the establishment. scanning the innumerable designs of tattoos they are capable of producing, displayed on laminated sheets of papers, covering the walls. i conjectured the reasoning behind our venturing into this parlor was that duo desired to have indelible pigment scarred on to his skin. he was volatile, so this whim did not phrase me much. i cradled a binder, further displaying more aesthetic endeavors. page after page, all the impressions were originated from tribal or ethic inspiration. futilely selecting which mark i would like to adorn his body. i envisioned intricate lines henna imbued on his hands. those hands skimming my body. i tried not to smile. to hide my animated arousal. which was easily done, when i was reminded that duo's particular taste would have him be inclined to stain his body with a garish hackneyed skull and with two crossed bones symbol, or some naked female wielding a scythe. i cringed, that would not appease my esthetic derived preference. my concentration was compelled.
"this guy over here" duo announced. i did not consider he possible variation he had the intent of myself getting ink embedded into my skin. i began to toy with the idea, only for a brief moment. duo continued, "wants 'insert here' on his ass, how much would that cost?" his outlandish manifesto was incomprehendible. i felt the pallor taint my epidermis. i glowered at him, my eyebrows contorted into a scowl. he was concealing his amusement. the man gestured to us unevenly.
"are you two ..." his query was obstructed.
"next? yes, i think so ." his rapid response. my sudden vulnerability habored vexation. i abruptly shut the binder with an excessive amount exertion, proceeding to allot it upon the table i took it from. trailing them into another room. duo was soon trammeled within the chair, fashioned solely for this line of business. he was handed several vials of metal studs, ranging in thickness and shape. it dawned on me that he was here to get a piercing. he selected a metallic hoop, scanty in radius, paying no heed to the man's warnings not to select that as the trail ear ring. his sight was affixed on me as the man cleansed the lobe, pricking with needle recently removed from an alcoholic solution, coaxing the metal into the new puncture. i countered his stare, devoid of envincing emotion, not hinting at my scorn or uncertainty. he leapt from the chair, readily bound across the room, assessing his new addition in the mirror. i meandered to his formal spot, the certified cosmetic piercer complied. displaying the same glass containers to me, i selected to most recommended one. a bland stud, stainless steel ball. i caught duo's gaze in mirror's reflection. he grinned. we made our way to the exit, the clerk cleared his throat.
"you only paid for one." i was obtusely stunned, consumed by a blank idiom. apparently my assumption was incorrect. duo had just wanted me there. i reversed my course, muttered an apology and formally purchased my piercing.
in his vehicle my insecurity was heightening. i faintly heard the utterances emitted by duo's mouth, the chorus to the melody that the radio was presenting. i was pawing at my inflamed earlobe, scraping the metal rod along the wounded flesh. slightly aware of the blood lacing my fingertips. the steady rhythm of throe, slow and mad. only agitated more so by my imbecility. how could i infer he wanted me to be pierced as well. it made me realize how i was exigently striving for some symbolization of what we have. my compressing became more violent, i winced at the pain induced. actuating my vigilance to the car's motions. i did not fully think before i vocalized.
"duo, my apartment is nowhere near here." i modestly objected, filtering and calculating my intonation.
"we're not going back to your place." almost mimicking my pitch. i refrained from speech. becoming quiescent. introverted for the remainder of the commute to his home, only the music sufficing for sound. somehow i felt it was not loud enough to drown out the relling reproach in my head.
upon entry of his domicile i retreated into the lavatory, clutching my ear, closing the door shut after me. critically inspecting my ear's abrasion in my mirror image bathed in sterile light. the lobe was swollen, the scarlet crust caked on around the metal rod protruding from my skin. i yanked toilet tissue from the roll. amassing it in my palm, with my other hand, i uncapped the bottle of cleansing fluid the clerk offered. sopping the absorbent paper with the solution. i brought my hand to my ear, blotting around the lacerated tissue, dousing the gash. ignoring the strident stinging sensation. i gazed at my lackluster eyes, facial features lax, blank. i was suddenly repulsed by the manipulation of my flesh. the drenched clump of cellulose pulp slipped from my retention. i clenched down on my auricle, a pang. my thumb and index finger on either side of the ear lobe, surrounding the metal rod, irefully, violently weighing down. i did not care. i wanted to tear, pull, rip it from my flesh. it resumed hemorrhaging, profusely pouring blood. coaxing over my struggling fingers. drops of blood fell in to the sink, oozing over the porcelain, streaming down to the drain. i ceased, exasperated. i hunched over the sink facility, supported by my bloodied palms. i exhaled sharply. i can not endure this for much longer.
i needed to cleanse the bathroom, i gingerly twisted the knob of the faucet, placing my soiled hands under the designated down pour, copiously rubbing my hands together. proceeding to cup them, amassing water in my palms then releasing it over the high trails of my expelled body fluid. the water swirling around the drain, stained pink. as for the blood imbuing the tiles, i could not use the pale tinted towels. i removed his black t-shirt from body, improvising with the opaque fabric, i began to daub the crimson up. the water was still running when i heard his voice, filtered by the closed door. "heero...come to bed," a complaining command. i knew an excessive amount of time had lapsed. appeased with my scavenge, i removed my pants, and slipped the white t-shirt he had provided over my head. motioning to part the door past the mirror, i caught a glimpse of my redden ear, a flicker of spurn, i enveloped it in my hand. as ushered the door open, pausing to gape at the mattress, supporting his weight. he went awry, his upward extending arm yielding the bedding, exposing his form, somewhat, creating a gap to fit my body. i was reluctant, yet still, i flicked the light switch enabling darkness to shroud the room. my foot falls carried my body to the opposing side of the bed. i parted the sheets for myself, producing distance between our shapes. his long deep breath exhaled. i was stiff, my muscles taut, i rested my hands, overlapping, on my midsection. unable to lid my eyes. the mattress trembled. duo's body drew nearer, timorously. i reverted to the coercion of my configuration in the same direction. reinstating our margin. his profile closed in again, i widened our proximity. the repetition of this process was ephemeral, the span of the mattress of the bed was insufficant. i tried to avert the fall, futilely latching on to an object, a pillow inept to equilibrate my mass. i impacted with carpeted floor, the pillow landing on my chest. he leaned over the bed, gazing at my plight, a coy smile brimming. i glowered, my hands jutted up, forcefully disheveling the top quilt. crawling across the floor, to a wider distance from the bedstead, i threw my body down, stuffing the pillow beneath my head, knotting the blanket around my legs, enveloping my chest with it. my side being the base of my pose, displaying my back to him. precluding his existence i squeezed my eyes shut, ignoring the blaring pain of my ear, encased between my head and the cotton clad cushion.
i wanted to leave, but i remained on the floor. i did not want to offend him, maybe i am too presumptuous, entertaining the idea that the absence of my body in this apartment would cause him distress. i know nothing, not were i stand, not how you feel. why cannot i will myself to leave. why cannot i explain? just in case, that is why. just in case, if you feel the same.
commence. [ 8:59 p.m. ]