DICLAIMER: I own nothing, NBC and what have you do so no one sue me :)
SUMMARY: Bosco's traumatic flashbacks puts his life in danger...this takes place after Falling but Bosco never went and spoke to Faith. So basically it's still all inside him and keeps getting worse.
SPOLIERS: Up to Falling
NOTES: This is my first fic and I know it sucks. So please review! Could someone please post this at 3rdwatch.net for me coz I can't join up. Thanks in advance
This is for Bee, TWJ, Ness, CCA (my inspiration), Michelle, Paisley & Thumper
I can hear Faith speaking to me but I'm not really listening. First day back on the job since...well since that bank robber incident. Now I have to go to that stupid counseling but there's nothing wrong with me. IT was an exploding bag and since the guy's been caught I've been doing better. I'm fine. Ross was right, just tell them what they want to hear. Good advice. Turns out I did learn something from him. His advice helped me out a helluva lot. Tomorrow's my last session, just have to make sure I'm fine after my first week back on the job. After tomorrow maybe everyone will be off my back. How many times can I guy say he's fine before someone believes him. Sully obviously said something to Davis and Yokas. Who knows who else is gossiping. I know I'm fine. It was an exploding bag that's all...that's all. For the pat 3 weeks Faith's been hanging around me like a bad smell. Sully's work. Sully said something to her now she won't leave me alone. Things just keep getting better and better. Even Davis has been talking to me more trying to get me to go drinking with him, I mean what's with that? And Sully he won't give me a rest, keeps watching me like a hawk waiting for me to lose it again. Around him I have to make sure I act ok. I don't know what's going on with me. I'm still not fine. After the guy was put away I thought it would all stop. But it hasn't. It's getting worse. The images are getting stronger; it always feels like it's happening all over again. I can feel Hobart's gun pressed against my head. Thinking too much...that's my problem. Why won't this stop? I'll worry later. First everyone else has to believe I'm alright otherwise they'll make me waste my time with a shrink again. They will believe me. When they do I can relax more. It's like everyone's waiting for me to screw up again just so I will admit I have a problem. Nobody can understand. Nobody can understand me. Hell I don't even understand what's going on. I'm just going to ignore it, it will eventually go away. Act normal, the less people watching me the better. Swerksy even tried to be my shrink. I lied...told him some bull shit story. He believed me, they all believed me. If only I could believe myself. I know something's wrong...but I don't know what it is. It's affecting me worse than ever. At least the memories haven't been haunting me at work again. Stop thinking. Normal...must be normal. Swersky doesn't think I know...but I do. After every shift, day off and what have you he has Yokas, Sul and Davis reporting to him about me. Seeing if I'm alright. The second I stuff up Swersky will know about it. The second I stuff up it's back to counselling and off the streets. I can't let it happen. I won't let it happen again. Maybe if Ross was alive he could give me some more good advice. If I hadn't got him killed...everything is all my fault.
"Help me!" I can still see the blood oozing out of his head. I killed him. Nobody was going to help me. They thought he was dead. I can still see him lying there. The memory of Ross flashed through my mind. I could feel my brain going into overdrive. My heart started racing. I can't breathe...I can't breathe. Not again. Not now. Breathe. That's it breathe.
"Bosco...Bos." Faith said starting to sound a little annoyed. She didn't notice, it's ok. Slowly I begin to calm down. My heart starts beating slower again and I can breathe. Not again. Why won't these go away? Why can't I sleep at night? Why? I thought I was doing fine, I really believed it this time. It should have stopped. I won't see a shrink. I don't need to talk. I don't help. I'm doing fine on my own, I can figure this out on my own. No one can help me. I'll be fine...nothing's wrong. I'll be fine again soon. Angrily I put my head in my hands, forgetting that I'm not alone and I'm supposed to be "fine."
"Bosco?" Faith says again this time a little more worried than annoyed. Jumping slightly I lean back in the chair and smile at her reassuringly.
"Yeah?"
"You ok? I said your name like 6 times and you didn't answer." Faith said staring at me.
"Sorry..I'm just a little tired is all." I lie turning away from her and turning my attention back to the street.
"You don't look so hot Bos....are you sure you're ok?" Faith asked in a soothing voice.
"I said I'm FINE Faith!" I snap not meaning to. I look down slightly trying to hide my fear.
"I know...I know. But you know I have to ask." Faith replies still trying to stay calm.
"I can only say it so many times Faith. I'm fine Faith, I was fine 2 seconds ago when you asked and I've been fine every other time you, Sully, Davis and Swersky have asked. Ok?" I spit out, not meaning to give so much away. Luckily I sound in control. Luckily there was no hint of panic in my voice.
"I'm sorry Bos...I won't ask again..It's just after last time." Faith says a little slowly trying to get a point across. If she tells any of this to Lieu...I can't let it happen. I won't let this happen.
"Faith if I wasn't fine I wouldn't be here now would I? The counsellor said I'm all clear for duty that's why I'm here Faith. It's all behind me now ok...I really mean it Faith." I reply in a warm, genuine tone. She nods at me, I know she ate it all up. At least she's off my back for now. The radio crackles and we both listen to the call. A suicidal/homicida manic on the loose in an apartment building waving a gun around, sounds like a blast. There's already been 3 reported GSW to innocent bystanders. EMS would have a field day as soon as we cleared the place. Faith turns the sirens off and we head towards the building.
Mikey's bent over the sink doing another line. I can't help him. Some how this is my fault. Just like everything else I touch. Mom and dad are fighting in the kitchen, there's blood on the counter. My Ma is hurt. I let her get hurt. Mikey is too young to understand. He hides under the bed, I tell him to stay there no matter what happens. My dad is hurting my Mom. He said he just watned to sit with me. He lied to me again. I let him hurt my mom. I let him. This is all my fault. She needs protecting from him. Next time he won't be coming in my window. I hurry into the kitchen to help my mom. She starts screaming at me to go away, but I wouldn't listen. I never listened. Maybe that's why I'm so screwed up. Then my dad turned on me for getting in the way. I'll never forget it, the bottle hit my head so hard, blood poured out instantly. I still have the scar both physically and emotionally. I feel myself moving forward, falling to ground, adding further to my injuries.
I reach for my head and don't feel the blood. Looking around I notice I'm outside an apartment block. It happened again. This time it was worse than the others. It felt so real, everything was real. I could have sworn I was being hit on the head. There's no time to think now, no time to be interrupted. No time. Keep on going. There's no time. Gunshots ring through the air, I can hear another siren in the distance, back up. Everything seems so still...it's almost scary.
"55-David to Central we have shots fired at this location. We need EMS on a rush." Faith says into her radio. I have to get this guy. I have to get him. Angry at myself I open the door with a raging fury. Without waiting for backup or Faith I start running towards the building, reaching for my gun. This guy is mine. Images of Jared McKinlay rip throughout my mind causing me to stop momentarily. Stop it. Stop doing this. Why me? Why is this happening? I can't do this, I don't need this. I'm fine. I'm fine. In the background I can hear Faith calling for me to wait. Wait? I've done nothing but wait. Waiting doesn't make anything go away, it only makes things worse. Besides normally I would go in, that's just me. They can't make a scene out of it. I take a deep breath before heading into the building. No more memories. No more.
Faith watched as her partner ran towards the building ignoring her pleas. She knew that backup was just around the corner. She didn't know if she should wait or run after him. In the end she decided to wait, trying to regain some of Bosco's trust. Besides it was only 2 minutes, Bosco couldn't get that far in 2 mintues could he? The other police cruiser pulled up and Faith was relieved to see Davis and Sullivan approaching her.
"Where's Bosco?" Sully asked a little worried. He had been there when Bosco had cracked it last time. Last time when there were warning signs. Nobody knew about the car incident, nobody knew about that first bank incident. Nobody knew but Sully. Truth was Sully and Bosco have never been that tight, but Sully had a new respect for Bosco. But he was also always worried about Bos, he watched him very closely, for any of the warning signs again, so far so good from what he could see. Right now he couldn't help but worry.
"He's inside, ran off before I could get the chance to stop him." Faith said as they ran towards the building. Davis could hear a slight hint of concern in her voice but chose to ignore it. Bosco would be fine, he would be fine.
"First two floors are clear, there are two people down on the first floor needing EMS assistance and some more on the stair well." I said into the radio as I climbed up the next lot of stairs. The last lot. The guy had to be up here somewhere. This cat and mouse game is always a bitch. No sign so far. It's dark. I hate the dark. Daddy dearest created that fear. No time to think about that now! I head further down the corridor knowing the guy has to be here somewhere. That's when it happened. I could feel a gun being pushed into the side of my head. Not again. Not like this. The perp quickly grabs my gun out my hand. I'm frozen I can't even try to stop him. The fear has taken control. For some strange reason I don't even care. It was like I didn't care if he shot me. That I would die. The perp starts leading me towards the stairwell leading towards the roof.
"I oughta just shoot you with your own gun" He hisses in my ear. His foul smelling breath intoxicating my nose. Then it happens again. The memories of Hobart. It's always Hobart that gets me the worse. The cold metal pressing against my head. The words he hisses at me holding so much truth. SO much truth. No longer am I in reality. I'm lost inside my own mind. My head, why does my head hurt? Hobart didn't hit me on the head. It's bleeding, I can feel the blood. My head. I have no idea what's going on. The perp keeps talking to me, but all I can hear and see is Hobart. It all stops again though. It all stops when I realise the perp is smacking my head into the door, knocking some sense into me, but making me feel a little lightheaded at the same time. Still not able to focus properly I feel the door smack against my head another time. This time I know where I am. How many times had he hit me? There was too much spinning. The gun is still pointed against my head. The smell of his breath still lingers in my nose. I'm back.
"I said open the door boy!!!" The perp screams, so I open the door then he pushes me up the stairs, or I tripped. I can't really remember. My vision is a bit hazy and my head is aching. I need to sit down. It's too hard to stand. Things are a bit dizzy. The open night sky. Down below the sirens are wailing. There's a lot of commotion. Where the hell are the others? Blood is slowly trickling down my cheek. Not much can be done though. The gun moves away, either a good or bad sign. Turns out to be bad. Next thing I know the gun is connecting with my head. He hit me on the head with my own gun. Now I'm the ground. He's standing above me acting all crazy like. My head. Hobart has gone mad. He's taken me hostage. I just came to help. I can't help anyone, I can't even help myself. Hobart has completely lost it. Nobody even cared. Nobody noticed. He's crazy.
"Hobart?" I say as the world keeps spinning. A hand reaches for me, pulling me roughly off the ground. It's not Hobart. Hobart's dead, I saw him die, he let himself die. I let him die. Everything I touch...
"What are you going to do boy? Tell me it's not worth it and all that stuff...well it is...it's always there...they keep going round in my mind! I can't stop it." The man yells before raising the gun to his own head. I can't speak. I can't see. I can't do anything. Too much pain in my head. I can't stand. Everything is spinning. I have to sit. I can't help anyone. Slowly I can feel myself sliding down against the wall as the man pulls the trigger. The blood still reaches me. Hobart's blood is on my face, I can feel it, it's still warm. Hobart killed himself, all I wanted to do was help, I helped him die is all. I can feel the blood. I can feel it all over me. It's Hobart. It's Hobart. The blood is his. It's his. My chest begins to get tight, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. The blood...not again. This is my last chance. Don't panic. It's ok...it's not ok. Hobart's blood. Why can't I see? Where is everyone? Am I all alone? Things are still hazy. The blood is still warm. I can't breathe...
TBC IF I GET REVIEWS ;) ALSO WITH THE PANIC ATTACK STUFF I'VE HAD A FEW MINOR ONES IN MY DAY SO THEY ARE PRETTY ACCURATE.
SUMMARY: Bosco's traumatic flashbacks puts his life in danger...this takes place after Falling but Bosco never went and spoke to Faith. So basically it's still all inside him and keeps getting worse.
SPOLIERS: Up to Falling
NOTES: This is my first fic and I know it sucks. So please review! Could someone please post this at 3rdwatch.net for me coz I can't join up. Thanks in advance
This is for Bee, TWJ, Ness, CCA (my inspiration), Michelle, Paisley & Thumper
I can hear Faith speaking to me but I'm not really listening. First day back on the job since...well since that bank robber incident. Now I have to go to that stupid counseling but there's nothing wrong with me. IT was an exploding bag and since the guy's been caught I've been doing better. I'm fine. Ross was right, just tell them what they want to hear. Good advice. Turns out I did learn something from him. His advice helped me out a helluva lot. Tomorrow's my last session, just have to make sure I'm fine after my first week back on the job. After tomorrow maybe everyone will be off my back. How many times can I guy say he's fine before someone believes him. Sully obviously said something to Davis and Yokas. Who knows who else is gossiping. I know I'm fine. It was an exploding bag that's all...that's all. For the pat 3 weeks Faith's been hanging around me like a bad smell. Sully's work. Sully said something to her now she won't leave me alone. Things just keep getting better and better. Even Davis has been talking to me more trying to get me to go drinking with him, I mean what's with that? And Sully he won't give me a rest, keeps watching me like a hawk waiting for me to lose it again. Around him I have to make sure I act ok. I don't know what's going on with me. I'm still not fine. After the guy was put away I thought it would all stop. But it hasn't. It's getting worse. The images are getting stronger; it always feels like it's happening all over again. I can feel Hobart's gun pressed against my head. Thinking too much...that's my problem. Why won't this stop? I'll worry later. First everyone else has to believe I'm alright otherwise they'll make me waste my time with a shrink again. They will believe me. When they do I can relax more. It's like everyone's waiting for me to screw up again just so I will admit I have a problem. Nobody can understand. Nobody can understand me. Hell I don't even understand what's going on. I'm just going to ignore it, it will eventually go away. Act normal, the less people watching me the better. Swerksy even tried to be my shrink. I lied...told him some bull shit story. He believed me, they all believed me. If only I could believe myself. I know something's wrong...but I don't know what it is. It's affecting me worse than ever. At least the memories haven't been haunting me at work again. Stop thinking. Normal...must be normal. Swersky doesn't think I know...but I do. After every shift, day off and what have you he has Yokas, Sul and Davis reporting to him about me. Seeing if I'm alright. The second I stuff up Swersky will know about it. The second I stuff up it's back to counselling and off the streets. I can't let it happen. I won't let it happen again. Maybe if Ross was alive he could give me some more good advice. If I hadn't got him killed...everything is all my fault.
"Help me!" I can still see the blood oozing out of his head. I killed him. Nobody was going to help me. They thought he was dead. I can still see him lying there. The memory of Ross flashed through my mind. I could feel my brain going into overdrive. My heart started racing. I can't breathe...I can't breathe. Not again. Not now. Breathe. That's it breathe.
"Bosco...Bos." Faith said starting to sound a little annoyed. She didn't notice, it's ok. Slowly I begin to calm down. My heart starts beating slower again and I can breathe. Not again. Why won't these go away? Why can't I sleep at night? Why? I thought I was doing fine, I really believed it this time. It should have stopped. I won't see a shrink. I don't need to talk. I don't help. I'm doing fine on my own, I can figure this out on my own. No one can help me. I'll be fine...nothing's wrong. I'll be fine again soon. Angrily I put my head in my hands, forgetting that I'm not alone and I'm supposed to be "fine."
"Bosco?" Faith says again this time a little more worried than annoyed. Jumping slightly I lean back in the chair and smile at her reassuringly.
"Yeah?"
"You ok? I said your name like 6 times and you didn't answer." Faith said staring at me.
"Sorry..I'm just a little tired is all." I lie turning away from her and turning my attention back to the street.
"You don't look so hot Bos....are you sure you're ok?" Faith asked in a soothing voice.
"I said I'm FINE Faith!" I snap not meaning to. I look down slightly trying to hide my fear.
"I know...I know. But you know I have to ask." Faith replies still trying to stay calm.
"I can only say it so many times Faith. I'm fine Faith, I was fine 2 seconds ago when you asked and I've been fine every other time you, Sully, Davis and Swersky have asked. Ok?" I spit out, not meaning to give so much away. Luckily I sound in control. Luckily there was no hint of panic in my voice.
"I'm sorry Bos...I won't ask again..It's just after last time." Faith says a little slowly trying to get a point across. If she tells any of this to Lieu...I can't let it happen. I won't let this happen.
"Faith if I wasn't fine I wouldn't be here now would I? The counsellor said I'm all clear for duty that's why I'm here Faith. It's all behind me now ok...I really mean it Faith." I reply in a warm, genuine tone. She nods at me, I know she ate it all up. At least she's off my back for now. The radio crackles and we both listen to the call. A suicidal/homicida manic on the loose in an apartment building waving a gun around, sounds like a blast. There's already been 3 reported GSW to innocent bystanders. EMS would have a field day as soon as we cleared the place. Faith turns the sirens off and we head towards the building.
Mikey's bent over the sink doing another line. I can't help him. Some how this is my fault. Just like everything else I touch. Mom and dad are fighting in the kitchen, there's blood on the counter. My Ma is hurt. I let her get hurt. Mikey is too young to understand. He hides under the bed, I tell him to stay there no matter what happens. My dad is hurting my Mom. He said he just watned to sit with me. He lied to me again. I let him hurt my mom. I let him. This is all my fault. She needs protecting from him. Next time he won't be coming in my window. I hurry into the kitchen to help my mom. She starts screaming at me to go away, but I wouldn't listen. I never listened. Maybe that's why I'm so screwed up. Then my dad turned on me for getting in the way. I'll never forget it, the bottle hit my head so hard, blood poured out instantly. I still have the scar both physically and emotionally. I feel myself moving forward, falling to ground, adding further to my injuries.
I reach for my head and don't feel the blood. Looking around I notice I'm outside an apartment block. It happened again. This time it was worse than the others. It felt so real, everything was real. I could have sworn I was being hit on the head. There's no time to think now, no time to be interrupted. No time. Keep on going. There's no time. Gunshots ring through the air, I can hear another siren in the distance, back up. Everything seems so still...it's almost scary.
"55-David to Central we have shots fired at this location. We need EMS on a rush." Faith says into her radio. I have to get this guy. I have to get him. Angry at myself I open the door with a raging fury. Without waiting for backup or Faith I start running towards the building, reaching for my gun. This guy is mine. Images of Jared McKinlay rip throughout my mind causing me to stop momentarily. Stop it. Stop doing this. Why me? Why is this happening? I can't do this, I don't need this. I'm fine. I'm fine. In the background I can hear Faith calling for me to wait. Wait? I've done nothing but wait. Waiting doesn't make anything go away, it only makes things worse. Besides normally I would go in, that's just me. They can't make a scene out of it. I take a deep breath before heading into the building. No more memories. No more.
Faith watched as her partner ran towards the building ignoring her pleas. She knew that backup was just around the corner. She didn't know if she should wait or run after him. In the end she decided to wait, trying to regain some of Bosco's trust. Besides it was only 2 minutes, Bosco couldn't get that far in 2 mintues could he? The other police cruiser pulled up and Faith was relieved to see Davis and Sullivan approaching her.
"Where's Bosco?" Sully asked a little worried. He had been there when Bosco had cracked it last time. Last time when there were warning signs. Nobody knew about the car incident, nobody knew about that first bank incident. Nobody knew but Sully. Truth was Sully and Bosco have never been that tight, but Sully had a new respect for Bosco. But he was also always worried about Bos, he watched him very closely, for any of the warning signs again, so far so good from what he could see. Right now he couldn't help but worry.
"He's inside, ran off before I could get the chance to stop him." Faith said as they ran towards the building. Davis could hear a slight hint of concern in her voice but chose to ignore it. Bosco would be fine, he would be fine.
"First two floors are clear, there are two people down on the first floor needing EMS assistance and some more on the stair well." I said into the radio as I climbed up the next lot of stairs. The last lot. The guy had to be up here somewhere. This cat and mouse game is always a bitch. No sign so far. It's dark. I hate the dark. Daddy dearest created that fear. No time to think about that now! I head further down the corridor knowing the guy has to be here somewhere. That's when it happened. I could feel a gun being pushed into the side of my head. Not again. Not like this. The perp quickly grabs my gun out my hand. I'm frozen I can't even try to stop him. The fear has taken control. For some strange reason I don't even care. It was like I didn't care if he shot me. That I would die. The perp starts leading me towards the stairwell leading towards the roof.
"I oughta just shoot you with your own gun" He hisses in my ear. His foul smelling breath intoxicating my nose. Then it happens again. The memories of Hobart. It's always Hobart that gets me the worse. The cold metal pressing against my head. The words he hisses at me holding so much truth. SO much truth. No longer am I in reality. I'm lost inside my own mind. My head, why does my head hurt? Hobart didn't hit me on the head. It's bleeding, I can feel the blood. My head. I have no idea what's going on. The perp keeps talking to me, but all I can hear and see is Hobart. It all stops again though. It all stops when I realise the perp is smacking my head into the door, knocking some sense into me, but making me feel a little lightheaded at the same time. Still not able to focus properly I feel the door smack against my head another time. This time I know where I am. How many times had he hit me? There was too much spinning. The gun is still pointed against my head. The smell of his breath still lingers in my nose. I'm back.
"I said open the door boy!!!" The perp screams, so I open the door then he pushes me up the stairs, or I tripped. I can't really remember. My vision is a bit hazy and my head is aching. I need to sit down. It's too hard to stand. Things are a bit dizzy. The open night sky. Down below the sirens are wailing. There's a lot of commotion. Where the hell are the others? Blood is slowly trickling down my cheek. Not much can be done though. The gun moves away, either a good or bad sign. Turns out to be bad. Next thing I know the gun is connecting with my head. He hit me on the head with my own gun. Now I'm the ground. He's standing above me acting all crazy like. My head. Hobart has gone mad. He's taken me hostage. I just came to help. I can't help anyone, I can't even help myself. Hobart has completely lost it. Nobody even cared. Nobody noticed. He's crazy.
"Hobart?" I say as the world keeps spinning. A hand reaches for me, pulling me roughly off the ground. It's not Hobart. Hobart's dead, I saw him die, he let himself die. I let him die. Everything I touch...
"What are you going to do boy? Tell me it's not worth it and all that stuff...well it is...it's always there...they keep going round in my mind! I can't stop it." The man yells before raising the gun to his own head. I can't speak. I can't see. I can't do anything. Too much pain in my head. I can't stand. Everything is spinning. I have to sit. I can't help anyone. Slowly I can feel myself sliding down against the wall as the man pulls the trigger. The blood still reaches me. Hobart's blood is on my face, I can feel it, it's still warm. Hobart killed himself, all I wanted to do was help, I helped him die is all. I can feel the blood. I can feel it all over me. It's Hobart. It's Hobart. The blood is his. It's his. My chest begins to get tight, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. The blood...not again. This is my last chance. Don't panic. It's ok...it's not ok. Hobart's blood. Why can't I see? Where is everyone? Am I all alone? Things are still hazy. The blood is still warm. I can't breathe...
TBC IF I GET REVIEWS ;) ALSO WITH THE PANIC ATTACK STUFF I'VE HAD A FEW MINOR ONES IN MY DAY SO THEY ARE PRETTY ACCURATE.