The scene opens to find the companions sitting around with glum faces. Flint sat on Tanis, who was pawing at the earth like a mad dog, trying to escape for his dear life. Caramon, simply held his twin up off the ground by the hood of his robe, his staff lay on the ground, out of reach.

"I'm sorry Raist," Caramon said meekly, holding his brother out of slapping range, "but it's either this or we all get involved."

"When I get out of this I'm going to kill you…again!!!" snarled Raistlin, and proceeded to cough some more.

The authors shook their heads, smiling slightly. They didn't want to threaten anybody, but they were all being so stubborn. The two finally had announced that if they didn't cooperate, there would be a group orgy.

The companions had suddenly grown very willing to get Raistlin and Tanis to go along with the authors. Whether they liked it or not.

"Okay everyone, we have the scripts ready!" Anne announced, waving a few 3x5 notecards in the air.

"There's a script?" everyone, including Numair, asked.

"Script, smut, it's all the same!" Anne said carelessly. Numair nodded happily, while the companions looked at each other in mortal fear.

"So where do we start?" Riverwind inquired, looking first at Tanis with pity in his eyes, then to Raistlin, then back at Tanis with an incredible amount of pity.

"Oooh! Let's start with all the fluff and shit!" Numair cried, hopping up and down in a girly fashion.

"Like we would know about that! I've never had a boyfriend…or anything…" mused Anne.

"Gee, I wonder why." Raistlin muttered bitterly, rolling his eyes. Anne simply went over and, looking him directly in the eye now that he was lifted to her level, pushed his shoulder, causing him to spin.

"I know! I know! Like blushing and cute notices of touch and giggles and flusters and big big diamond rings and…!" Tasslehoff exclaimed, running up to Numair and pulling his sleeve.

"Yeah!" Anne declared, pushing the mage once more and watching him turn a lovely shade of green, "Tas, you're gonna help us from now on!"

The companions glared at the kender, murder in their eyes. Tasslehoff, oblivious to their spite, beamed proudly.

"They're on a picnic, and the others will have to go and…and…get wood." Anne decided, nodding her head in agreement.

"It doesn't take five people to get wood…" Caramon pondered, scratching his head and discovering that dunce hat still there.

"Just get in your places!"

"Yes ma'am…" they all said flatly, shifting into places slowly.

"Okay, action!" declared Numair once everyone was in their places.

"Once upon a time there lived companions that had magic abilities and other shit like that…"

"Nice Annie."

"Shut up, you're taking away from the setting," growled Anne, glaring at Numair. "They all sat around a campfire…. On a picnic…"

All the companions growled and sat around their fire.

"These people think that they are authors?" hissed Sturm to Flint, both glaring at the authors.

"It suddenly got chilly.."

Numair threw ice cubes at the companions, then dumped the excess ice water on Raistlin. "Aw, look, a sudden downpour soaked Raisty-boy to the bone. Tsk tsk. Caramon, what are you going to do about it?"

"Give him this blanket right here?" the warrior suggested, handing a big blanket to his brother, who glared with a sour expression on his face.

"Wrong answer!" Anne proclaimed, snatching the blanket and throwing it into the fire. "Read the script!" and she handed him a napkin.

"But we have a fire now…"

"Read the fucking script!" hissed Anne, resembling Raistlin for a mere second.

"It's a picture of some kid with wings…"

"Oh, Van…sorry." Anne said, grabbing the napkin and stuffing it into her pocket. "Here you go." And handed him a tissue, which he promptly handed to his sniffling brother. Raistlin coughed a large amount of blood into it, rolled it into a ball and chucked it at the authors. Anne ducked, and the bloody wad hit Numair in the face.

"Eeeew!" screeched Numair, jumping away and wiping his face against a tree. Sliding on a rubber glove, Numair picked up the wad and threw it back at the mage, missed and hit Tasslehoff in the shoulder.

"My, what's this?" he pondered, pocketing it. Everyone wrinkled their noses and scooted away from the kender.

"Okay everyone! This is how it's going!" fumed Numair, wiping blood off the glove onto Anne's jeans, who punched Numair in response. "Everyone goes off to get wood, because there isn't any, if you know what's good for you!!!!"

"Um, guys, Numair's rarely mad that often so I would do it." Anne prompted.

"Raistlin can't go 'cause he's a weak little fuck—"

"—ooh, really mad—"

"And you can't leave him alone cause he can kill you all whenever he feels like it so Tanis opts to stay behind cause he likes him!"

"I do not." Tanis retorted, insulted.

"You do now!! So sit down and shut up!"

Everyone including Anne stared blankly at Numair.

"GO!"

The companions slowly rose and began to filter off into the woods. The two authors could hear Sturm whisper to Riverwind.

"Maybe we'll luck out and the mage will kill the authors."

"Wouldn't that stop the story?" piped Caramon, walking beside them.

"That's the point lad." Flint replied, patting him on the back. The dwarf looked back at the petrified half-elf one last time worriedly before they vanished into the trees.

"Okay," Anne said, clamping her hands together happily, "Let's get started!"

"That's what you think," rasped Raistlin, standing slowly. He gestured to the two and began to chant the language of magic. "Ast tasarak…"

"Nope, sorry," Anne grinned evilly, "the electrical barrier we have up is also a magic dampener. No spells. We planned ahead."

The mage cursed and sat back down, his hourglass eyes glaring at the two fiercely, because he's Raistlin, it's what he does.

"The two strike up a conversation!" Numair declared, prompting the two expectantly.

"……………"

"Strike!"

"Um…" Tanis began uncomfortably, "So uh…you're the smartest one here…"

"Duh."

"What do you…um…advise for our situation of this…picnic?"

"I say we kill these fools and run for our bloody lives."

Tanis nodded, he agreed with that.

"I guess we'll have to do more prompting…" Numair sighed.

"Well, they're on opposite sides of the fire, how can they get close?" Anne pondered.

"I know! Raist, cough!"

For the first time in years, the mage sat silent, his breathing regular. Anne, frustrated, grabbed the remaines of the blanket and began to fan the smoke from the fire in his direction. He immediately began to hack up a storm.

"That's…cheating!" he wheezed.

"Well, have you noticed fanfic life isn't fair?"

Numair had snuck around Raistlin at this point, and before Tanis could warn him, Numair grabbed his arm and began fishing in his sleeve. The mage struggled to no avail.

"Geez, you can't fight against me? You are weak!" Numair then drew out the small silver dagger that was concealed in Raistlin's sleeve. "And no seppuku for you!"

"Damn!" coughed the mage.

"Hey Tanis, look at that. He's having trouble breathing. Go help."

"No. He can manage."

"No he can't!" Anne snarled, picking him up by his beard and pulling over to the mage and pushed him down on the rock. Tanis grumbled to himself.

"Back to narrating," Numair said happily, "Ahem. Tanis had always had a form of respect for the mage, but as of late, he had felt it deepen…"

"No I have not!"

"Yes you do! So, he had stayed behind to be alone with the young mage. He found Raistlin oddly handsome in a……golden sort of way…yeah…it reminded him of…of…the sun! Yeah, his eyes were like the sun! Burning into your soul until you could stand no more! And he had a…um…nice scent…"

"Oh yes…Ode de Death…" Raistlin mumbled.

"And…um…he was mature and um…"

"I do not have some fixation with Raistlin!" Tanis shouted.

"Thank Lunitari…" the mage hissed.

"Fine! Raistlin also had found the half-elf attractive…"

"Ah yes, the beautiful rotting corpse that he is."

Anne glared at the mage, and the two continued to have a stare-down as Numair babbled on.

"So um…Raistlin had a slight…longing for the elder man, only about seventy years his senior, ever since he had stood up for them against the widow Judith after his father died and…"

"No I didn't."

"Fine! Read your damn card!"

Tanis sighed and gazed at the card, eyebrow lifted. "Oh Raistlin," he read in monotone, "Ever since the first moment I saw you so very long ago when you were a youth of five…" looking up, he guessed that Anne had written this script, "My heart told me that you were the one…."

"Then what about my sister?" Raistlin replied in monotone, Numair holding up his card.

"That was the closest I could get to you, my love," muttered Tanis wrinkling his face in disgust the more he read.

"Oh, I understand, I have loved thee as well. It's been so hard thought, especially after all those years of torment and longing you piece of shit writers…"

"HEY!"

"And then the two proceeded to blush," smiled Anne gazing at them expectantly. The two just glared at each other. "Blush…" Still nothing.

"What are we going to do?" questioned Numair.

"Oh, I've got it… three way with that elf chick and…"

"Kitiara!" finished Numair.

Tanis turned a bright red.

"There you go!" laughed Anne and Numair, clapping. They then turned to the mage expectantly. Nothing.

"How are we going to do that one?" groaned Numair. "Come on, think of something you've never seen, sexy hot elves, a naked woman!" Still nothing. "Damn, he's good."

SMACK.

Raistlin's head jerked as a bright red spot appeared where Anne had slapped him.

"There we go!" giggled Anne, patting herself on the back. Numair jerked around, almost expecting the roar of Raistlin's very angry brother. But no, they were still gathering wood.

The two authors turned to each other, obviously trying to think of a new idea. Tanis handed the staff to Raistlin.

"Knock them dead, I mean it…"

"Really, your elven code doesn't get in the way," mocked Raistlin.

"Not this time, kill them!"

Raistlin stood and lifted the staff high preparing the fatal blow. Anne slowly turned around and noticed Raistlin.

"Aww shit!" Anne ducked as Raistlin brought the staff down.

"Huh?" pondered Numair looking up.

SMACK.

Numair looked at them blankly, obviously not affected.

"That hurt."

"No, they're invincible!"

"Nah, there just isn't anything up there to hurt," whispered Anne.

"That really hurt," pouted Numair rubbing his head slightly. "Just for that, kissing."

"Nice going Raistlin," growled Tanis folding his arms across his chest.

Raistlin shot him the you-are-next look.

An hour later still no progress.

"Come on guys, we're just as tired as you are. Just do it and get it over with. And I mean real kissing here, okay? That French cheek kissing thing just didn't cut it!"

"It was cultural." Raistlin snapped, already more than pissed.

"Just kiss him." Groaned Anne, her head resting on her hands.

"No."

"Fine. Tanis, you kiss him. He's the inexperienced one. I forgot."

"You've never kissed anybody?" Tanis inquired Raistlin, smirking.

"Fuck off halfbreed."

"Touché."

"All right," Numair stated, rising, "if you two don't kiss, for real, right now, I'm bringing in Elistan, and you all can do a lot more than discuss the pantheon!"

Tanis' eyes widened in fear. He suddenly reached out, grabbed Raistlin's head, and pulled into a full kiss on the lips.

"That's what I'm talking about! Enthusiasm!"

Raistlin flailed his arms and began beating on the half-elf, trying to break the liplock. Tanis released him and spit on the ground.

"Gods! He even tastes like death!" Tanis shouted, spitting up everything he could.

"My first kiss was with…with…" he couldn't finish as he spat up quite a lot of blood. Tanis turned slightly green and spat up even more.

"Now we deepen it." Anne stated, arms akimbo.

"D-deepen it?" Tanis whimpered, his voice cracking.

"Yup. Now we get angsty and provocative."

Raistlin fell off the log, not breathing. The authors ignored him and proceeded.

"Tanis, read your script please."

Tanis sighed and continued in monotone. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

"No!…(hack) I do…(cough) NOT!!!"

"Yes, he'd love to." Anne replied.

Numair knelt beside Raistlin and spoke up for him, with a lot more passion than the mage ever tried. "Of course my love. I want to give you everything! But…I've never done this before!"

"You haven't?" inquired Tanis to the mage, smirking once more.

"Go fuck yourself!" Raistlin snarled.

"Anyway," Anne began, continuing the narration, "Tanis knew he would have to be gentle, as Raistlin was inexperienced. A delicate flower which bloomed in winter, so soft and pretty, yet sharp to the touch. His long cascading blond hair which lay in waves, his small form which fit perfectly with his own body…"

"Umm… Annie? Has your friend given you more romance novels?" questioned Numair.

"She has other friends?" hissed Raistlin to Tanis.

"…. It was said that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, yet their love would show they how. Oh yes, the dog represents the leashing of their emotions, kept at bay for so long. A gentle sea with a summer breeze rippling across its surface, released to the mighty monsoon. Lashing upon the shore with all its fury, but no Tanis would have to be, gentler."

"Yeah!" exclaimed Numair, patting Anne on the back.

Tanis raised his hand. "Question."

"Yeah?" asked Anne coming back to reality.

"Who's going to be on top?" the half-elf squeaked, afraid of the answer.

"That's it, you've got spunk! He's getting into this!" praised Anne, patting him on the back.

"Well, face facts, it's gonna have to be Tanis cause Raistlin," pausing, he looked at the mage, "would you even know where to put it?"

Another blow to the head by the staff of Magius, this time left Numair a little dazed.

"Tanis leaned closer," continued Anne, focusing back on narration, "and reached for…"

"We got wood!!!" announced Caramon, bounding out of the forest with a silly grin on his face.

"Damn, just when it was getting good," muttered Numair coming out of the daze. Tanis and Raistlin were so relieved that they hugged each other almost laughing with joy, then noticed who they were hugging and quickly pulled away. Tanis leapt back to his spot across the fire.

"Say, you guys look sick? What did you do? Is Raistlin going to have a baby!?" questioned the kender who prompting went flying back through the trees.

"Are you okay lad?" asked Flint, grabbing Tanis' shoulder and shaking it slightly.

"Awww!!" exclaimed the authors watching the exchange. Flint quickly withdrew his hand.

"Scarred, but otherwise alright," Tanis sighed putting his head between his knees.

"Now what you unholy demons?" Riverwind inquired getting a good look at the vomiting mage.

"Good thing you asked, we're kinda sick of this group, they're just so… uncooperative…" groaned Numair looking at the two. "So, we've picked a more compatible group!"

"Bachelor number one," started Anne, winking at the group playfully. "has a stick up his ass. He's all about honor and crap, guess who and win a cookie."

"STURM! STURM!!!!!" cried Tasslehoff running out of the woods.

"Correct! Here," hands him a lumpy cookie she made, "Bachelor number two is a weak mage that no one likes."

"No no no no no no no no!!!!!" cried Sturm, reaching for his sword.

~*~*~*~*~~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ewww…. Feeling dirty. Yeah, we apologize to the following characters:

Tanis: We love ya babe, you poor dear. We would never do that to you… again…

Raistlin: We are very very sorry, please don't kill us.

Ourselves: This is degrading, but highly amusing. Heehe.

Next chapter, opposites attract.