Chapter 2: A Jedi Shall Not Know Love
The next morning, Obi Wan Kenobi, dressed in fresh Jedi clothing for Qui Gon's funeral, and having just finished his meeting with Master Yoda, felt strong, complete and sure of himself again. He had finally gotten some much needed sleep last night at Cassiopeia's house and the meeting with Master Yoda had gone quite well. The level of Jedi Knight had been conferred upon him, he had been granted approval from the Jedi Council to take Anakin Skywalker as his Padawan learner, and Yoda hadn't been able to sense the commitment that Obi Wan had made last night to Cassiopeia.
Master Yoda had sensed a change in Obi Wan, that much was true, but he seemed to have come to the conclusion that Obi Wan was just fulfilling his dying Master's last wish; not that he had fallen in love and viewed the galaxy differently now. Obi Wan remembered his words to Yoda, 'I will train Anakin; without the approval of the Council if I must.' This was completely unlike him, never had he challenged any of the Council's Masters or their rules. But the last few days had changed him, last night especially. He recalled Master Yoda's words then, 'A change I sense in you, Obi Wan.' Yoda had looked at him then and he had been unable to meet the Master's gaze for Obi Wan knew the change was due mainly to Cassiopeia and the way he felt about her. Obi Wan had thought in that instant that he had been discovered, that Master Yoda could see through him and he tried desperately to clear his mind of all thoughts of her. Then Yoda went on, 'Qui Gon's defiance I sense in you. Need that you do not.' And Obi Wan knew then that Master Yoda had no idea about the true nature of his changes. At least for now.
The funeral of Qui Gon was scheduled to begin soon and Obi Wan was hoping he could catch Cassiopeia in her office first. He had only been able to spend a short time with her early this morning before his meeting with Master Yoda. Obi Wan remembered her lying in bed, her hair tousled from sleep and her breathing heavy. He had arisen early, bathed, dressed, and sat watching her for an hour while she slept. Obi Wan knew he should've felt guilt or pain over his actions with Cassi, but he didn't. All he felt was peace and belonging; that everything was as she had said to him, 'alright'.
Obi Wan strode quickly to Cassiopeia's office, anxious to see her, and knocked on her door.
"Come in," he heard her call in that sweet voice of hers. How many times last night had she whispered his name? And he loved to hear her say it.
He entered, and saw Cassi sitting behind her desk, hair piled atop her head again and wearing a long-flowing elegant black gown. Then he noticed Queen Padme Amidala was seated in front of Cassiopeia's desk. Obviously, he had interrupted a private, personal meeting since the Queen's handmaidens were not also in attendance. Obi Wan was at once sorry that he had come. Perhaps he was behaving too rashly in wanting to see her so much.
"Oh, good morning, Master Jedi," Cassiopeia smiled sweetly at him and his feelings of rashness disappeared. "Are we late?"
"No, no." Obi Wan replied, he had eyes only for Cassi. "Please excuse me for the interruption. We've got some time. I just came to see if you two ladies would need an escort to the funeral?"
Queen Amidala smiled to herself. She was used to males acting oddly in Cassiopeia's presence, but this surely took the cake. She saw the way he was looking at Cassiopeia. A Jedi Knight going out of his way to ask her if he could escort her to a funeral? It was almost funny, except for the fact that his Master's body lie in the plaza below, awaiting cremation.
Cassiopeia gave Amidala a stern look that warned her she knew what the Queen was thinking and to hold her tongue. Very few people would dare act that way with the Queen, but her life-long friend, confidant, and Counselor Cassiopeia was definitely one of them. Cassiopeia smiled up at the Jedi.
"It would be an honor, Master Jedi, to have you escort us," she replied. "What do you think your Highness?"
Queen Amidala rarely went anywhere without her handmaidens and bodyguards and recent events had intensified those actions. "Unfortunately, I can't. I have to meet up with Captain Panaka and my handmaidens before I leave the palace. But I feel better knowing that I'm leaving you in capable hands, Cassiopeia." She grinned at her friend.
Cassiopeia smiled thinly to show she wasn't amused. Padme wondered why her friend was taking such an offense to her light-hearted comment. 'Maybe she thinks he's sweet,' thought Padme Amidala, and the thought made her smile even more. She stood and strode to the door.
"We'll finish our meeting later, Counselor," she stated. "I'll see you downstairs soon," she threw a playful glance at Cassiopeia. "Have fun."
"G'day, your Highness," Cassiopeia stood to see the Queen out, throwing her another warning glance.
Obi Wan bowed, "See you soon, your Highness."
Cassiopeia closed the door behind Amidala. Obi Wan took her in his arms and kissed the top of her head. "I wish I could've spent more time with you this morning, I'm sorry," he whispered.
She smiled up at him. "We both have obligations and responsibilities. I understand."
Obi Wan leaned down and kissed her.
"How are you feeling today," she asked him. Cassiopeia knew the funeral would be difficult for Obi Wan, though he wouldn't show it.
"Pretty well all things considered," he told her truthfully. "My meeting with Master Yoda went well." Obi Wan turned his head slightly to show her that his Padawan braid was no longer there. "I'm now officially a Jedi Knight and Anakin is to be my Padawan learner."
Cassiopeia smiled, "I'm so proud of you. You see, I knew you were a Jedi Knight last night when I first met you. Qui Gon would be proud of you as well."
"I wish I didn't have to go to his funeral," Obi Wan's blue eyes darkened. "I want to remember him in life, not in death."
"He was your Master, you must honor him," Cassiopeia said. "Always keep him in your heart and you will remember his life, not his death."
Obi Wan sighed and moved to look out her window down at the plaza below where Qui Gon's body lay atop the funeral pyre. Already there was quite a throng of beings gathered to honor his Master. Cassiopeia was right of course, she was so wise. Still, he knew that he would have to leave this planet soon and he wasn't sure when he would see her again, he wished that he could spend all his remaining time with her.
"I wish you and I could go back to your home and spend the day there alone. We could talk and swim and laugh and make love," he turned to look at her.
"I do too, Ben," she said. "I wish I could spend all day in your arms, but you know right now we can't. We must see to our duties."
Cassiopeia moved to stand next to him. She looked out the window and sighed herself. Cassiopeia knew that he would have to leave Naboo soon and that they would both have to resume their previous lives without one another. She wondered now if their love had been worth it or if maybe instead they should not have professed their love for each other and just remained only friends. Then she looked at him and knew that she couldn't help loving him, she would have fallen in love with him no matter what. Then her thoughts turned to another that she had once loved. How wrong that relationship had turned out. Cassi shook her head to clear all thoughts of him. Obi Wan looked at her then. He suddenly sensed that she was sad and confused.
"What's wrong," he asked her softly.
She looked at him and managed a small smile. "Nothing, my love, nothing. But now we must be on our way." She paused and seemed to ponder something. "How about this," she decided, "we attend the funeral and do our duties as we should and honor Qui Gon. Then, we go back to my home, shut the entire galaxy out, and just be."
Obi Wan smiled at her and nodded his head. Then the two of them, the Jedi Knight and the Queen's head advisor, put aside their personal feelings for each other, put on their public faces, and went out to attend Qui Gon's funeral side by side.
Later that afternoon, after the funeral, after the social gathering where everyone ate and talked, after seeing the Jedi Council to their temporary rooms in the palace, Obi Wan 'Ben' Kenobi and Cassiopeia lay in each other's arms on her bed. The sheets were in a tangle on the floor. Cassiopeia had made an excuse to Queen Amidala about being fatigued from her journey home yesterday and needing the rest of the afternoon off. Luckily the Queen had agreed. Cassi closed her eyes and felt warm all over. She snuggled her head onto Ben's shoulder.
"Did you sleep ok last night?" she asked him.
The Jedi was running his fingers through her hair. "I slept very well," he said and then smiled. "I think you wore me out."
Cassi giggled. "Me, too. Usually I don't sleep the entire night through," she said. "I'm something of an insomniac waking up at least twice a night and I cannot fall back asleep for awhile. But last night, I didn't wake up once." She kissed his neck. "It must be because you were beside me."
"We're good for each other," Obi Wan remarked.
His comment caused Cassiopeia to remember that she wouldn't have him for much longer. Neither one of them had talked about it yet, perhaps both attempting to forget. Cassi opened her eyes and looked at Obi Wan.
"So when do you have to leave, Ben?" she asked.
"I was planning on staying all night if that's ok with you. Anakin is enjoying his sleep-over with Jar Jar. It'll be the last time he'll get to act like a kid," Obi Wan replied, completely misunderstanding her question.
"No, Ben," she said gently, "I mean when do you have to leave Naboo and me?"
"Oh," he breathed, "I'm sorry." He kissed her head and sighed. "The Council has ordered Anakin and I back to the Jedi Temple on Coruscant tomorrow after the parade here in Theed."
Less than a day, Cassi thought.
They both lay quietly, lost in their thoughts. Neither of them wanted to face the fact that their future together was uncertain.
"I wish you and I could remain together," Obi Wan almost whispered. "But I don't see how that is possible."
She sighed. "I don't either. The time we've spent together has been so short; I wish we had longer together." Cassi sat up to hide the tears that began to form behind her eyelids. "I've never loved anyone like I love you. I've never felt this way before."
Obi Wan sat up and touched her face. "I agree, I feel so different, I've changed. I'm not the same man I was a few days ago. Cassi, I love you. You make me want to be a better man. Not a better Jedi, a better man. You have shown me what it's like to love and to be loved as a man. For that I will be forever grateful to you."
Cassiopeia looked into his eyes. She would give anything if they could spend more time together, possibly even spend their lives together. But she knew that she must not make that mistake again. Not this time, not with this one.
But he's not like the other one, Ben's different, her heart screamed at her. We could be so good together, so happy. He made her feel secure and safe and that all her faults were ok, he accepted her completely for who she was and what she did. She had never known anyone like him except her father, and she had to admit that she had fallen hard for him. Cassiopeia loved him.
But he is a Jedi, her mind countered. I love him too much to ask him to walk away from the only life he's ever known. And I cannot take the chance that my loving him may cause him to stray down the path of the dark side of the force, like it did with D.
"I love you Ben, I will forever love you."
Obi Wan nodded and wiped away the single tear that strayed from her eyes. "I love you as well, Cassiopeia." He sighed. "I almost wish I were a different person and then I wouldn't have to leave you." He smiled sadly.
"But you are who you are and I am who I am and it will not change."
Obi Wan looked into her eyes. She was beginning to cry now. "I must leave you tomorrow but I will carry you and our love in my heart where ever I go. And if I can ever return to you, I will. I promise."
He took her in his arms then and they cried together, his tears falling in her hair and hers soaking his shoulder. "Please let me stay tonight," Obi Wan whispered in Cassiopeia's ear. "I want to be with you for as long as I possibly can my love."
Cassiopeia looked up at him with her tear-streaked face and nodded solemnly. He bent down and kissed her.
The next afternoon, the Jedi were prepared to depart. Obi Wan and Cassiopeia, alone inside her office, embraced each other again. She pulled his face down to hers and kissed him. Both were fighting tears.
"Be safe," she told him. "Train Anakin well and if you have the opportunity, then remember your promise to me and return."
"That may not be for many years," he gazed steadily into her eyes. "I don't want you to wait for me that long. You need to carry on with your life, start a family and be happy."
"I will," she smiled at him, "when you return to me."
They embraced again.
"Just remember that I love you with all my heart, body, and soul," Obi Wan told her. "Never doubt it."
"I won't. And you, never forget that someone loves you very much."
"I won't forget," he kissed her one last time and whispered, "you are the most amazing being I've ever met. I love you."
"I love you."
With that, Obi Wan strode to the door and without looking back, went out of Cassiopeia's office, and closed the door behind him. He didn't see Cassiopeia drop to her knees sobbing, but he sensed it. Obi Wan felt not only his anguish at leaving, but through the Force, Cassi's as well. The burden was almost too much for him to bear. He rode the elevator down to the plaza, pulled the hood of his cloak up over his head to help hide his dismay, and went to the ship that would carry him away from Cassiopeia and back to Coruscant.
The next morning, Obi Wan Kenobi, dressed in fresh Jedi clothing for Qui Gon's funeral, and having just finished his meeting with Master Yoda, felt strong, complete and sure of himself again. He had finally gotten some much needed sleep last night at Cassiopeia's house and the meeting with Master Yoda had gone quite well. The level of Jedi Knight had been conferred upon him, he had been granted approval from the Jedi Council to take Anakin Skywalker as his Padawan learner, and Yoda hadn't been able to sense the commitment that Obi Wan had made last night to Cassiopeia.
Master Yoda had sensed a change in Obi Wan, that much was true, but he seemed to have come to the conclusion that Obi Wan was just fulfilling his dying Master's last wish; not that he had fallen in love and viewed the galaxy differently now. Obi Wan remembered his words to Yoda, 'I will train Anakin; without the approval of the Council if I must.' This was completely unlike him, never had he challenged any of the Council's Masters or their rules. But the last few days had changed him, last night especially. He recalled Master Yoda's words then, 'A change I sense in you, Obi Wan.' Yoda had looked at him then and he had been unable to meet the Master's gaze for Obi Wan knew the change was due mainly to Cassiopeia and the way he felt about her. Obi Wan had thought in that instant that he had been discovered, that Master Yoda could see through him and he tried desperately to clear his mind of all thoughts of her. Then Yoda went on, 'Qui Gon's defiance I sense in you. Need that you do not.' And Obi Wan knew then that Master Yoda had no idea about the true nature of his changes. At least for now.
The funeral of Qui Gon was scheduled to begin soon and Obi Wan was hoping he could catch Cassiopeia in her office first. He had only been able to spend a short time with her early this morning before his meeting with Master Yoda. Obi Wan remembered her lying in bed, her hair tousled from sleep and her breathing heavy. He had arisen early, bathed, dressed, and sat watching her for an hour while she slept. Obi Wan knew he should've felt guilt or pain over his actions with Cassi, but he didn't. All he felt was peace and belonging; that everything was as she had said to him, 'alright'.
Obi Wan strode quickly to Cassiopeia's office, anxious to see her, and knocked on her door.
"Come in," he heard her call in that sweet voice of hers. How many times last night had she whispered his name? And he loved to hear her say it.
He entered, and saw Cassi sitting behind her desk, hair piled atop her head again and wearing a long-flowing elegant black gown. Then he noticed Queen Padme Amidala was seated in front of Cassiopeia's desk. Obviously, he had interrupted a private, personal meeting since the Queen's handmaidens were not also in attendance. Obi Wan was at once sorry that he had come. Perhaps he was behaving too rashly in wanting to see her so much.
"Oh, good morning, Master Jedi," Cassiopeia smiled sweetly at him and his feelings of rashness disappeared. "Are we late?"
"No, no." Obi Wan replied, he had eyes only for Cassi. "Please excuse me for the interruption. We've got some time. I just came to see if you two ladies would need an escort to the funeral?"
Queen Amidala smiled to herself. She was used to males acting oddly in Cassiopeia's presence, but this surely took the cake. She saw the way he was looking at Cassiopeia. A Jedi Knight going out of his way to ask her if he could escort her to a funeral? It was almost funny, except for the fact that his Master's body lie in the plaza below, awaiting cremation.
Cassiopeia gave Amidala a stern look that warned her she knew what the Queen was thinking and to hold her tongue. Very few people would dare act that way with the Queen, but her life-long friend, confidant, and Counselor Cassiopeia was definitely one of them. Cassiopeia smiled up at the Jedi.
"It would be an honor, Master Jedi, to have you escort us," she replied. "What do you think your Highness?"
Queen Amidala rarely went anywhere without her handmaidens and bodyguards and recent events had intensified those actions. "Unfortunately, I can't. I have to meet up with Captain Panaka and my handmaidens before I leave the palace. But I feel better knowing that I'm leaving you in capable hands, Cassiopeia." She grinned at her friend.
Cassiopeia smiled thinly to show she wasn't amused. Padme wondered why her friend was taking such an offense to her light-hearted comment. 'Maybe she thinks he's sweet,' thought Padme Amidala, and the thought made her smile even more. She stood and strode to the door.
"We'll finish our meeting later, Counselor," she stated. "I'll see you downstairs soon," she threw a playful glance at Cassiopeia. "Have fun."
"G'day, your Highness," Cassiopeia stood to see the Queen out, throwing her another warning glance.
Obi Wan bowed, "See you soon, your Highness."
Cassiopeia closed the door behind Amidala. Obi Wan took her in his arms and kissed the top of her head. "I wish I could've spent more time with you this morning, I'm sorry," he whispered.
She smiled up at him. "We both have obligations and responsibilities. I understand."
Obi Wan leaned down and kissed her.
"How are you feeling today," she asked him. Cassiopeia knew the funeral would be difficult for Obi Wan, though he wouldn't show it.
"Pretty well all things considered," he told her truthfully. "My meeting with Master Yoda went well." Obi Wan turned his head slightly to show her that his Padawan braid was no longer there. "I'm now officially a Jedi Knight and Anakin is to be my Padawan learner."
Cassiopeia smiled, "I'm so proud of you. You see, I knew you were a Jedi Knight last night when I first met you. Qui Gon would be proud of you as well."
"I wish I didn't have to go to his funeral," Obi Wan's blue eyes darkened. "I want to remember him in life, not in death."
"He was your Master, you must honor him," Cassiopeia said. "Always keep him in your heart and you will remember his life, not his death."
Obi Wan sighed and moved to look out her window down at the plaza below where Qui Gon's body lay atop the funeral pyre. Already there was quite a throng of beings gathered to honor his Master. Cassiopeia was right of course, she was so wise. Still, he knew that he would have to leave this planet soon and he wasn't sure when he would see her again, he wished that he could spend all his remaining time with her.
"I wish you and I could go back to your home and spend the day there alone. We could talk and swim and laugh and make love," he turned to look at her.
"I do too, Ben," she said. "I wish I could spend all day in your arms, but you know right now we can't. We must see to our duties."
Cassiopeia moved to stand next to him. She looked out the window and sighed herself. Cassiopeia knew that he would have to leave Naboo soon and that they would both have to resume their previous lives without one another. She wondered now if their love had been worth it or if maybe instead they should not have professed their love for each other and just remained only friends. Then she looked at him and knew that she couldn't help loving him, she would have fallen in love with him no matter what. Then her thoughts turned to another that she had once loved. How wrong that relationship had turned out. Cassi shook her head to clear all thoughts of him. Obi Wan looked at her then. He suddenly sensed that she was sad and confused.
"What's wrong," he asked her softly.
She looked at him and managed a small smile. "Nothing, my love, nothing. But now we must be on our way." She paused and seemed to ponder something. "How about this," she decided, "we attend the funeral and do our duties as we should and honor Qui Gon. Then, we go back to my home, shut the entire galaxy out, and just be."
Obi Wan smiled at her and nodded his head. Then the two of them, the Jedi Knight and the Queen's head advisor, put aside their personal feelings for each other, put on their public faces, and went out to attend Qui Gon's funeral side by side.
Later that afternoon, after the funeral, after the social gathering where everyone ate and talked, after seeing the Jedi Council to their temporary rooms in the palace, Obi Wan 'Ben' Kenobi and Cassiopeia lay in each other's arms on her bed. The sheets were in a tangle on the floor. Cassiopeia had made an excuse to Queen Amidala about being fatigued from her journey home yesterday and needing the rest of the afternoon off. Luckily the Queen had agreed. Cassi closed her eyes and felt warm all over. She snuggled her head onto Ben's shoulder.
"Did you sleep ok last night?" she asked him.
The Jedi was running his fingers through her hair. "I slept very well," he said and then smiled. "I think you wore me out."
Cassi giggled. "Me, too. Usually I don't sleep the entire night through," she said. "I'm something of an insomniac waking up at least twice a night and I cannot fall back asleep for awhile. But last night, I didn't wake up once." She kissed his neck. "It must be because you were beside me."
"We're good for each other," Obi Wan remarked.
His comment caused Cassiopeia to remember that she wouldn't have him for much longer. Neither one of them had talked about it yet, perhaps both attempting to forget. Cassi opened her eyes and looked at Obi Wan.
"So when do you have to leave, Ben?" she asked.
"I was planning on staying all night if that's ok with you. Anakin is enjoying his sleep-over with Jar Jar. It'll be the last time he'll get to act like a kid," Obi Wan replied, completely misunderstanding her question.
"No, Ben," she said gently, "I mean when do you have to leave Naboo and me?"
"Oh," he breathed, "I'm sorry." He kissed her head and sighed. "The Council has ordered Anakin and I back to the Jedi Temple on Coruscant tomorrow after the parade here in Theed."
Less than a day, Cassi thought.
They both lay quietly, lost in their thoughts. Neither of them wanted to face the fact that their future together was uncertain.
"I wish you and I could remain together," Obi Wan almost whispered. "But I don't see how that is possible."
She sighed. "I don't either. The time we've spent together has been so short; I wish we had longer together." Cassi sat up to hide the tears that began to form behind her eyelids. "I've never loved anyone like I love you. I've never felt this way before."
Obi Wan sat up and touched her face. "I agree, I feel so different, I've changed. I'm not the same man I was a few days ago. Cassi, I love you. You make me want to be a better man. Not a better Jedi, a better man. You have shown me what it's like to love and to be loved as a man. For that I will be forever grateful to you."
Cassiopeia looked into his eyes. She would give anything if they could spend more time together, possibly even spend their lives together. But she knew that she must not make that mistake again. Not this time, not with this one.
But he's not like the other one, Ben's different, her heart screamed at her. We could be so good together, so happy. He made her feel secure and safe and that all her faults were ok, he accepted her completely for who she was and what she did. She had never known anyone like him except her father, and she had to admit that she had fallen hard for him. Cassiopeia loved him.
But he is a Jedi, her mind countered. I love him too much to ask him to walk away from the only life he's ever known. And I cannot take the chance that my loving him may cause him to stray down the path of the dark side of the force, like it did with D.
"I love you Ben, I will forever love you."
Obi Wan nodded and wiped away the single tear that strayed from her eyes. "I love you as well, Cassiopeia." He sighed. "I almost wish I were a different person and then I wouldn't have to leave you." He smiled sadly.
"But you are who you are and I am who I am and it will not change."
Obi Wan looked into her eyes. She was beginning to cry now. "I must leave you tomorrow but I will carry you and our love in my heart where ever I go. And if I can ever return to you, I will. I promise."
He took her in his arms then and they cried together, his tears falling in her hair and hers soaking his shoulder. "Please let me stay tonight," Obi Wan whispered in Cassiopeia's ear. "I want to be with you for as long as I possibly can my love."
Cassiopeia looked up at him with her tear-streaked face and nodded solemnly. He bent down and kissed her.
The next afternoon, the Jedi were prepared to depart. Obi Wan and Cassiopeia, alone inside her office, embraced each other again. She pulled his face down to hers and kissed him. Both were fighting tears.
"Be safe," she told him. "Train Anakin well and if you have the opportunity, then remember your promise to me and return."
"That may not be for many years," he gazed steadily into her eyes. "I don't want you to wait for me that long. You need to carry on with your life, start a family and be happy."
"I will," she smiled at him, "when you return to me."
They embraced again.
"Just remember that I love you with all my heart, body, and soul," Obi Wan told her. "Never doubt it."
"I won't. And you, never forget that someone loves you very much."
"I won't forget," he kissed her one last time and whispered, "you are the most amazing being I've ever met. I love you."
"I love you."
With that, Obi Wan strode to the door and without looking back, went out of Cassiopeia's office, and closed the door behind him. He didn't see Cassiopeia drop to her knees sobbing, but he sensed it. Obi Wan felt not only his anguish at leaving, but through the Force, Cassi's as well. The burden was almost too much for him to bear. He rode the elevator down to the plaza, pulled the hood of his cloak up over his head to help hide his dismay, and went to the ship that would carry him away from Cassiopeia and back to Coruscant.