Shire 60 years later
Frodo reading a book under a tree, hears Gandalf approach singing. Runs to meet him, trips over a rock and goes head over heels, right under the horse, which steps on him by mistake and makes a hobbit-cake out of him.
Frodo: SPLAT!
Gandalf: OH, NO! *stops the horse and gets out to look over his handiwork* He's DEAD!! I've KILLED him!! *starts wailing and dancing about, panicked* I'm a MURDERER!!
Frodo: *in a voice muffled by mud and the fact that Gandalf neglected to get the horse off him before stopping* No-I'm alright...if you could just-get this thing off of me...
Gandalf: Oh! Yeah, sure! *gets back in cart and moves horse, Frodo gets up and goes on with his lines*
Frodo: You're late.
Gandalf: *making complicated grimaces to prevent laughter in the face of a mud-coated and dripping Frodo* A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Frodo throws himself into Gandalf's arms for a hug.
Gandalf: *holding Frodo very gingerly* Ewww...
Frodo: It's wonderful to see you again, Gandalf. *under his breath* Even if you did squish me with your darn horse...
Gandalf: *sets Frodo down gladly, pretending he didn't hear* You didn't think I'd miss your Uncle Bilbo's birthday.
Frodo: What's new in the world? Tell me everything.
Gandalf: Everything? You're far too eager and curious for a hobbit. Most unnatural. Well, what can I tell you? *thinks hard, then smirks* Well, Elrond has been-no, they're filming, I can't...oh, drat...*pouts and keeps driving in sulky silence as Frodo shakes himself like a dog*
They pass a field where tents and a banner are being set up.
Gandalf: *brightening* Ah, the long-expected party. How is the old rascal?
Frodo: *stands up and starts to shout* Rascal? How dare you!
Gandalf: *shoves Frodo down again and hisses out of the side of his mouth-Shut up! They're still filming!* I understand this is to be a party of special magnificence.
Frodo: *trying not to huff* You know Bilbo. He has the whole place in an uproar.
Gandalf: Well, that should please him.
Frodo: Half the Shire's been invited. He's up to something.
Gandalf: *Doing his best Lord Farquaad imitation* Indeed?
Frodo: All right, don't tell me, then. No one ever tells me anything!*pouts and tries to remember his lines* Before you came along, we Bagginses were very well thought of. Never had any adventures or did anything unexpected.
Gandalf: If you're referring to the incident with the dragon, I was barely involved. I only gave your uncle a little nudge out the door.
*Gandalf shoves Bilbo out the door a little harder than he intended to, Bilbo flies across the lawn, cracks his head on the gate*
Gandalf: OH! Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to, honest!
Frodo: *eyes go all creepy and even huger than they are normally* I know what you did to my uncle...You cannot escape me, I will have my revenge...
Gandalf: *scooting away* AHH! NO!! SOMEONE SAVE ME!!
Frodo: *giggles like a girl* Just kidding...though you have been officially labeled a disturber of the peace.
A group of Hobbit children see Gandalf and come running.
Various Hobbit Children: Gandalf, Gandalf! Fireworks, Gandalf!
Gandalf pretends he won't, but he sets off a butterfly firework for them. An old grandfather's smile at the children's delight turns to a more socially acceptable frown when an annoyed mother becomes witness.
Frodo: Gandalf? I'm glad you're back.
Frodo jumps off the wagon and goes headfirst into a bush.
Frodo: Ah! *rustle rustle* Darn BUSH!! *kicks bush*
Gandalf: *hisses* Film, film!
Frodo: *sheepishly* Oh. Right. Sorry...*gives a little wave at Gandalf and slinks away into the trees*
Gandalf: *trying not to laugh* So am I, dear boy. So am I.
Gandalf stops his wagon in front of Bag End, passes a sign on the gate, 'No Admittance Except on Party Business', bonks the door with his staff. A royally ticked-off voice comes from within.
Bilbo: No, thank you! We don't want any more well-wishers, visitors, or distant relations!
Gandalf: And how about very old friends?
Bilbo: *very quietly as he comes to answer the door* VERY old, he's been around like, what, a zillion years? *louder* Gandalf?
Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins!
Bilbo: My dear Gandalf!
Gandalf: Yes, I know my name! Get on with it already!
Bilbo: *looking bewildered* But it's your line now!
Gandalf: Oh! One hundred and eleven years old! Who would believe it? You haven't aged a day.
Bilbo: Come in, come in! Welcome, welcome. Would you like some tea? Or perhaps something stronger. I still have some of the Old Winyards left. 1296, a very good year! Almost as old as I am! My father put it down... *realizes what he just said and chortles like a sugarsoused Rab* PUT IT DOWN!! Ah-ha-ha-ha, he killed it! IT'S DEAD!! *starts laughing like a maniac, falls down and rolls on floor*
Gandalf: *waits for the fit to mostly pass* AHEM! Film?
Bilbo: *stands and straightens his clothes* Oh. Where was I? What say we open one?
Bilbo puts Gandalf's hat and staff away.
Gandalf: Just tea, thank you.
Gandalf knocks the chandelier, steadies it, and hits his head on the beam when he turns around.
Gandalf: ARGGGH! Stupid beam! That's it, I'm leaving!! *turns to go*
Bilbo, Frodo, and Various Other Castmembers: *sticking heads in through windows and doors* Hsst! Film, film!
Gandalf: Oh! Oh, yes. *turns back*
Bilbo: I was expecting you last week, but you come and go as you please...*under breath*...whether I like it or not...
Bilbo gathers food while Gandalf looks at the maps spread out on Bilbo's table.
Bilbo:I can make you some eggs if you like...
Bilbo comes into the room, but Gandalf isn't there. Gandalf appears from behind him.
Gandalf: Just tea.
Bilbo: Yes, right, you don't mind if I do?
Bilbo has a mouthful of food already.
Gandalf: Oh, no, not at all.
Someone knocks on the door.
Bilbo: I'm not at home!
Gandalf: *in a old-guy moment* Oh, really? That's funny, I thought you were right there a minute ago...
Bilbo: No, I meant metaphorically speaking! I need to get away from these confounded relatives, hanging on the bell all day-
Gandalf: Ah-HAHAHAHA! I can just imagine them dangling there off your bell! *collapses with laughter and wriggles like a fish*
Bilbo: Gandalf.
Gandalf: *gasping* I'm sorry, I think that beam did something to me...go on!
Bilbo: Never giving me a moment's peace!
Gandalf: *chokes, but lets it pass*
Bilbo: *unaware of choking wizards* I want to see mountains again, Gandalf, mountains! And then find someplace quiet where I can finish my book. Oh, right, tea.
Gandalf:*recovering his dignity* You mean to go through with your plan, then?
Bilbo: Yes, everyone's sufficiently stirred up now; I can go in peace.
Gandalf: *beam-damage returning* AHAHAHAHA!! IN PEACE!! *goes off into gales of hysterical laughter*
Bilbo: *rolls eyes, disappears into hallway. Returns momentarily with Gandalf's staff, hefts it with difficulty and bonks the wizard over the head with it, a little harder than he had intended because of the unwieldy weightiness*
Gandalf: OW! *stops laughing to rub head* I object to that! And with my own staff too! *reaches for staff*
Bilbo: *scurries quickly to put staff back before Gandalf can get it* Film!
Gandalf: *yips* Oh! Film, yes! Uh, lines, lines...oh. Frodo suspects something.
Bilbo: Of course he suspects, he's a Baggins, not some blockheaded Bracegirdle from Hardbottle!
Blockheaded Bracegirdle From Hardbottle: *barges in with a roar of anger* WHAT!! I AM NOT-!!
Gandalf: *magically retrieves staff from hallway, and blasts the Bracegirdle out the window with it, not even looking up* You will tell him, won't you?
Bilbo: Yes, yes.
Gandalf: He's very fond of you, you know.
Bilbo: I know. He'd probably come with me if I asked him to, but I think in his heart Frodo is still in love with the Shire. The woods, the fields. Little rivers. I'm old, Gandalf. I know I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel thin.
Gandalf: You are not thin!
Bilbo: *glares and goes on* Sort of stretched...
Gandalf: OH, that kind of thin!
Bilbo: ...like butter scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday, a very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. In fact, I mean not to!
Bilbo and Gandalf sit outside Bag-End, catching lung cancer together.
Bilbo: Old Toby! Finest weed in the Southfarthing.
Bilbo blows a smoke-ring, Gandalf blows a ship, which sails through the ring.
Bilbo: Gandalf, my old friend, this will be a night to remember!
Gandalf: What! Where?!
Bilbo: Huh? What's where?
Gandalf: The Titanic, where did you see it?
Bilbo: *rolls his eyes* Not that sort of a 'night to remember'!
They start to argue and the scene changes quickly before they can ruin it.
===============
The next scene will come when we finish ruining it.
A/N: Rab is dolphin's second younger brother, who, just so you know why we used him as an example, has the most magnificently maniacal chortle (it just cannot be called an actual laugh, it's far too nutty) after eating too much sugar. Imagine a Gollum who's just gotten the Ring back. It's scary, really. He sounds insane when he does it.
The 'peace' reference is a family joke, resulting from a childhood word for pee. The word sounds very similar to peace, our minds are in the toilet, and therefore the joke. Peace in dolphin's family basically means pee-for instance, when learning in History about Patrick Henry and his famous speech, the excerpt "...men may cry 'peace, peace', but there is no peace..." sends them into helpless hysterics. morpheus has been corrupted by overlong exposure-like radiation-and now also finds it funny. Forgive our dirtiness, but it will come up again and we wanted everyone to get the joke.
If there is anything else that we need to explain, please contact us so we can fix it.