Of Wizards and Rings

Footsteps up the path to Bag End. Door opens. Bilbo appears, taking off his ring. Puts it in his pocket. Chooses a staff from beside the door. Gandalf scares the pee out of him by appearing suddenly behind him in the living room.

Gandalf: I suppose you thought that was terribly clever.

Bilbo: YEEES! *starts chortling again*

Gandalf: *annoyed* This is not A Bug's Life!!

Bilbo: Oh,*chortle chortle*sorry. Come on, Gandalf! Did you see their faces?

Gandalf: Yes, and I don't think it's funny at all! Magic rings shouldn't be used for stupid Hobbit jokes! They are a serious responsibility!

Bilbo: *mutters* Fat lot of fun YOU are! *louder, so Gandalf can hear*  It was just a bit of fun. *Gandalf glowers, Bilbo looks put-upon* Oh, I suppose you're right, as usual.

Bilbo gathers some things to take with him.

Bilbo: You will keep an eye on Frodo, won't you? With those cousins of his, he takes such a lot of looking after!

Gandalf: *rolls eyes* You mean Merry and Pippin? Did you see what they did to my beautiful dragon firework?

Bilbo chortles behind his hand, as laughing in a wizard's face isn't a very good idea.

Bilbo: Ummm...yes?

Gandalf: You have NO idea how much work that darned thing took, either! Ah, well, two eyes, as often as I can spare them.

Bilbo: I'm leaving everything to him.

Gandalf: And the ring? You obviously don't take it seriously...

Bilbo: Yes, yes. It's in an envelope, on the mantelpiece.

Gandalf looks on the mantel.

Gandalf: Bilbo...

Bilbo: Wait, no, it's here in my pocket. Isn't that odd, now? Yet, after all, why not? Why shouldn't I keep it?

Gandalf: I think you should leave it behind. Is that so hard?

Bilbo: Well, no. And yes! It's mine, allll mine, and I won't share! So there! *pouts like an infant*

Gandalf: There's no need to get angry.

Bilbo: I'll get angry if I want to get angry! It's MY home, you stupid wizard! You just followed me in here! *gets a weird look on his face, and begins to drool* It's mine, my own, my precious...

Gandalf: Precious? Hey, that was Gollum's name for it, no ripping off other people's names for things!

Bilbo: What business is it of yours what I name my own things?

Gandalf: I think you've had that ring quite long enough.

Bilbo: You-you want it for yourself!

A shadow draws around Gandalf, revealing the power he usually keeps hidden.

Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins! Do not take me for some conjuror of cheap tricks!

Bilbo: But Gandalf, you are only a conjuror of cheap tricks!

Gandalf: *disgusted* Urghhhh! I am not! And if I was going to steal something, it wouldn't be a Hobbit's stupid ring! It would be something much bigger and grander, like Saruman's fancy new staff!

The shadow retreats, and Gandalf is the only slightly nasty old man again. Bilbo runs to him.

Gandalf: Your ring is in no danger from me!

Bilbo: You're right. The ring must go to Frodo. It's late, and the road is long. Yes, it is time.

Bilbo gathers his pack and heads out the door. Gandalf stops him on the doorstep.

Gandalf: Bilbo, the ring is still in your pocket.

Bilbo: *halts in mid-stride and goes red* GgggggRRRRR!! Do you have to always be so darn WISE!!

Gandalf: *not noticing how red Bilbo is getting* Oh, no, that wasn't my wisdom showing through, it was just a bit of logic. You see, you never took it out, so I figured it must still be in...

Bilbo: GRRRRRRRAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!!! *head explodes*

Gandalf: *musingly* Oh. His head's exploded. I'd better get him a new one...

Gandalf gets new head, screws it onto Bilbo's neck, and reanimates him. Bilbo takes out the ring, holds it on his palm, and with a great effort, turns his hand until the ring slips off and drops on the floor. Bilbo walks out, takes a deep breath.

Bilbo: I've thought of an ending for my book. 'And he lived happily ever after, to the end of his days.'

Gandalf: Oh, Bilbo! That is, like, so cliched! Can't you come up with something more original?

Bilbo: *archly ignoring the comment* Good-bye, Gandalf.

They shake hands, friends as always. (Yeah, right!)

Gandalf: Goodbye, you old-*various epithets muttered under breath*

Exit Bilbo, singing...

Bilbo: I left my heart/In San Francisco...

Gandalf: Hey, you, that's the wrong song!

Bilbo: Oh. *switches to the right song*

Gandalf: Until our next meeting.

Gandalf goes into Bag End and reaches down to pick up the ring, but sees the Eye and decides that it can stay where it is. Sits in front of the fire, thinking about Bilbo's words and the ring's history while murmuring like a loony old bat.

Bilbo: It's mine...my own...my precious.

Gandalf: Riddles in the dark... my precious...

Frodo: Bilbo! Bilbo!

Frodo enters, sees the ring and picks it up with no adverse Eye-seeing effects.

Frodo: WAAAAHAHAHA!! He's GONE!!! He's LEFT me!!! WAAAAH!!

Gandalf looks over, sees Frodo holding the ring, and decides to ignore the obnoxious bawling for the moment.

Gandalf: *as calmly as possible while yelling over the noise* Bilbo's ring. He's gone to stay with the Elves. He's left you Bag End, along with all his possessions. The ring is yours now. *pinches Frodo hard enough to make him yelp, hisses out of the side of his mouth* Now, shut up!

Gandalf holds out an envelope, Frodo composes himself enough to slip the ring inside. Gandalf seals it with wax.

Gandalf: Put it somewhere out of sight.

Frodo: *sniffling* Where are you going?

Gandalf heads for the door.

Gandalf: There are some things I must see to.

Frodo: What things?

Gandalf: Questions, questions that need answering.

Frodo: But you've only just arrived! And now you're leaving TOO!! WAHAHAHAHAH!! Everybody's leaving me! I don't understand!!

Gandalf: *starts to weep and wail too* Nobody ever does! Waaahh, I need a psychiatrist...*runs sobbing out of the door*

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New chapter-The Ring- should be finished by Monday evening, Tuesday afternoon at latest!

This chapter doesn't have anything to explain! Yay! For once, I managed to keep most of dolphin's humour in the realm of Widely Understandable! Difficult, considering we were a little distracted by a small ball of calico fur named Itanar (meaning Sparkles of Fire in Elvish)-one of the new litter of kittens on dolphin's family's farm. He's about five weeks old, very playful, and bites incredibly hard for something that small! We are trying to teach him better, but it takes a while. In the meantime, typing might be a little hard. He's sleeping angelically, right now, though, so I shall probably try to get some more work done on the next few chapters and on the Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone script that Jake so kindly sent us. (More work! URRRGGGGHHH! :-)

(dolphin just reminded me, though, that it also means more postables!) Morphy