To Bucklebury Ferry
Gandalf and Frodo are walking through the countryside, Gandalf leading his horse.
Gandalf: Come along, Samwise, keep up!
Sam runs to catch up, pretending he's not just trying to humour them so they won't eat him, burn him, or use him for live bait. The three stop under the trees.
Gandalf: Be careful, both of you. The Enemy has many spies in his service. Birds, beasts. Is it safe?
Frodo: What are you, obsessive-compulsive or something? That's that fifteenth time since we left Bag End that you've asked that exact same question!
Gandalf: *rolling eyes and looking annoyed* Never mind the smart cracks! Is it safe or not?!
Frodo pats his pocket, where the Ring is hidden.
Frodo: *faking exuberance* Yup, sure it is! You can count on me, Gandalf!
Gandalf: *totally missing the fact that he is being openly mocked* Good. Now remember, never put it on! The agents of the Dark Lord will be drawn to its power if you do.
Frodo: Like this?
Frodo puts the Ring on to see what will happen, which results in a loud sucking vacuum noise and Ringwraiths flying in from all directions to stick magnetically to the Ring.
Gandalf: YES! LIKE THAT!!
Gandalf snatches the Ring away, sends the Ringwraiths flying back whence they came, and turns to the cowering Frodo.
Gandalf: Don't SCARE me like that!! I have to PEE, got that! You're not helping!
Frodo: *still cowering* Yeah...
Gandalf: Urgh. Now I've forgot my lines. Uh...Oh, yeah! Remember, the Ring is trying to get back to its Master. It wants to be found.
Gandalf mounts and turns to ride away on his horse, but hits a tree by mistake as he goes past it.
Gandalf's head: BONK!!
Gandalf: UUUURRRRGGGGHHH!!!! STUPID DARN *BLEEEEEP* TREE!! That's the SECOND time ALREADY in this movie that I've hit my stupid head!
Frodo: *either having some sort of death-wish or not noticing that Gandalf is gonna blow into pieces with rage* Yeah, I agree with Gandalf. His head is stupid.
Gandalf tries blowing Frodo's head off with his staff, scene dissolves into chaos, we move on to next scene.
Frodo and Sam cross fields, going towards Bree. Sam stops on the edge of a field of wheat.
Sam: This is it.
Frodo: This is what?
Sam: If I take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been.
Frodo: Oh, come on, Sam! You counted out all the steps from here back to Hobbiton?! Remember what Bilbo used to say. *puts on best Bilbo imitation voice* Frodo, if ever you find yourself counting things without reason, it's time to get yourself a life.
Gandalf riding to Isengard.
Gandalf: *bounces unhappily on horse* IhavetogoIhavetogoIhavetogo...
Saruman: Smoke rises from the mountain of Doom. The hour grows late, and Gandalf the Grey rides to Isengard seeking my council. For that is why you have come, is it not, my old friend?
Gandalf: No, Saruman. I seek your toilet...
Gandalf and Saruman walking outside Isengard.
Saruman: You are sure of this?
Gandalf: Beyond ANY doubt, I WANT to USE your TOILET!! I don't CARE if I said it was a hole fit only for Orcs, I HAVE TO GO!!
Saruman: *chuckles silently to himself, pretending not to hear Gandalf* So the One Ring has been found.
Gandalf: All these long years it was in the Shire, right under my nose. *bounces some more* Pleeeeaaaase, 'Man, I'm SERIOUS...
Saruman: *interrupts* And you had not the wit to see it. Your love of the halflings' leaf has clearly slowed your mind-while enhancing certain other bodily functions! *snickers into hand*
Gandalf: *perking up* What, really!? I never knew that pipeweed worked like Viagra! *suddenly suspicious* But wait...how would you know that?
Saruman: *huffs disgustedly* Not THOSE bodily functions, ya old coot! I meant your bathroom problem!
Gandalf: Oh! But we still have time, time enough to speak first and still make it to the bathroom afterwards, if we act quickly.
Saruman: Time? What time do you think we have?
Saruman and Gandalf inside Isengard.
Saruman: Sauron has regained much of his former strength. He cannot yet take physical form, but his spirit has lost none of its potency. Concealed in his fortress he sees all. His gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth and flesh. You know of what I speak. A Great Eye, lidless, wreathed in flame.
Gandalf: *trying to concentrate, having despaired of ever getting to the bathroom* The Eye of Sauron.
Saruman: He is gathering all evil to him. Very soon he will have assembled an army large enough to wage an assault on Middle-earth.
Gandalf: You know this? How?
Saruman: I have seen it. Along with the horrid shades of sparkly ceremonial mascara he uses. I mean...orange? What IS that?!
They enter another room, where a stone sphere lies covered with an odd-coloured cloth.
Gandalf: A Palantir is a dangerous tool.
Saruman uncovers the stone with a smooth flick of the wrist.
Saruman: Tell me about it!
Gandalf: They are not all accounted for, the lost seeing stones. You do not know who else may be watching. Are you certain that you haven't done anything in front of the palantir that Sauron could later use for blackmail?
Gandalf quickly replaces the cloth over the stone, and sees the Eye as he does.
Gandalf: AHHHH! You're RIGHT! Oh, WHAT was he THINKING!! Black eyeshadow went out of style years ago!
Saruman: See, the hour is later than you think. If Sauron has ceremonial mascara on, then his forces are already moving. And the Nine have already left Minas Morgul.
Gandalf: The Nine?
Saruman: They crossed the river Isen on Midsummer's Eve, disguised as riders in black.
Gandalf: Black whats? Black nighties? Black evening gowns? Black pant ensembles? Black undies and nothing else? Oh, ewww...
Saruman: Black ROBES, you idjit! And they will find the Ring, and kill the one who carries it.
Gandalf: *shaking himself out of an evil daymare of Ringwraiths wearing only black thongs* Frodo! He will be emotionally scarred for life!
Gandalf tries to leave, but the doors slam, one by one.
Saruman: You did not truly think that a Hobbit could contend with the will of Sauron? There are none who can. Against the power of Mordor there can be no victory. We must join with him, Gandalf! *hurriedly* I mean with Sauron, not the Hobbit. *attempting to recover the dignity and evilness of his lines* We must join with Sauron. It would be wise, old friend.
Gandalf: Tell me, friend. When did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for madness?
They do wizard-hockey for a long time. (A/N Has anyone else noticed how ridiculous those two look, skidding around the floor and making odd basketball court squeaky-noises? Huh? I mean, they're so OLD!!) Gandalf wets his robe from the pressure of being tossed and skidded around, loses his staff and is captured. He begins to spin on one shoulder, looking idiotically like he's intentionally break dancing, while his legs kick in the air.
Saruman: I offered you the choice of aiding me willingly, but you have elected the way of pain! *fumes* And you WET my FLOOR!!
Gandalf rises toward the roof of Isengard-with Saruman's help, not by himself-looking like a toilet flushing in reverse. Fade to black.
Sam emerges from a corn patch, alone.
Sam: Mister Frodo? Frodo! Frodo!!
Frodo reappears from the path ahead.
Frodo: What now?
Sam: I thought I'd lost you.
Frodo: What on earth are you talking about, Sam? *pauses suspiciously* Have you been drinking again?
Sam: *rolling his eyes* No. It's just something Gandalf said.
Frodo: What did he say?
Sam: Well, he's said a lot of things already in this movie. Come to think of it, no other character, not even Pippin, is quite as talkative as old Gandalf. I mean, he just goes on, and on, and on, and on, and after a while it all just sort of starts to run together until he sounds like a bug, just droning on, and on, and on, and...
Frodo: OKAY!! I get the idea, and yeah, he does talk a lot, but I meant what is the something he said to YOU, that you just said he said?
Sam: Oh, yeah! He said, "Don't you lose him, Samwise Gamgee". And I don't mean to.
Frodo: Sam, we're still in the Shire, what could possibly happen?
They get knocked over by Merry and Pippin.
Sam: *glaring up at Merry* There, you see!? But does anyone ever listen to Sam? NO, they wait until they're flattened....
Frodo: *experiencing slight deja vu, back to when Gandalf flattened him with the horse in the first chapter* Uh, Sam, could you get me out from under here..?
Pippin: Frodo! Look, Merry, it's Frodo Baggins!
Sam: You get off him!
Pippin: Aww, but I just got on him! Can't I stay here just a little longer?
Sam shakes off Merry, picks Pippin off Frodo by the scruff of his neck.
Pippin: I guess not, huh?
Merry hands Sam an armful of vegetables.
Merry: Hold these.
Frodo: What's the meaning of this?
Sam: You've been into Farmer Maggot's crop!
Merry: Oh, very clever, Sherlock!
Sam: *startled* Really?
Merry: NO, you fool! I was being SARCASTIC!! Don't you know SARCASM when you hear it!?
They hear Farmer Maggot catching up with them and start running through the cornfield.
Merry: I don't know what he's so upset about, it's only a few carrots!
Pippin: And some cabbages. And the three bags of potatoes we lifted last week. And the mushrooms the week before that!
Merry: Yes, Pippin! My point is, he's obviously overreacting!
Pippin, Merry, and Frodo reach the edge of a steep incline. Sam comes up behind them and doesn't stop in time to prevent crashing into them, they all roll down the incline, and Pippin lands inches away from a pile of manure.
Pippin: Ooh! That was a close one.
Merry: *furry feet sticking up all around him* Oh...I think I've broken something...
Merry pulls out a broken carrot, which is shaped grossly like something I'd rather not discuss right now.
Sam: Trust a Brandybuck and a Took!
Pippin: *innocently, while collecting himself* To do what?
Sam: *accusingly* YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!! You're just trying to make me look foolish!
Pippin: *even more innocently* You need help for that? Why? I do it just fine on my own-heck, even Frodo manages to look foolish in this movie more than once, and we all know where HIS toilet lies!
Frodo: *confused* What does my toilet have to do with anything?
Pippin: *shrugs* I don't know. I just felt like saying it. *nods to Merry* Your line!
Merry: What? My lines? Ohhhh, yeah... *begins* That was just a detour! A shortcut!
Sam: *scornfully* Shortcut to what?
Pippin: Mushrooms!
Merry and Pippin start gathering mushrooms into a bag that look suspiciously like an old sock, and, for all his fussing, Sam follows after them and helps, while Frodo stands around and looks down the road, though we all know that he would have been more than willing to join in the eating part, later.
Frodo: I think we should get off the road.
Something dark approaches. (A/N By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes!-Shakespeare's Macbeth)
Frodo: Get off the road, quick!
They hide under the roots of a tree. The Rider approaches on his horse, then gets off it, sniffing as though he can smell that the Ring is close.
Rider: *indignantly* Of course I can smell it! It's as good as coffee to me!
A spider crawls out-of the log, not the Ring-and a centipede, and a lot of worms. For the first time, the Ring tries to impose its will on Frodo, pushing him to put it on so they will be found. Sam distracts him. Merry's escapee training kicks in just about now, and the poor mushrooms, old sock and all, are sacrificed in favour of another day of life when Merry tosses them to divert the Rider and save their hobbity skins. Unfortunately, his training only extends to himself and Pippin, so Sam has to grab Frodo and tag along.
Merry: What was that?
They run for a long time, while the sky turns really dark and scary, and then finally they stop to rest.
Sam: Anything?
Frodo: Nothing.
Pippin: What is going on?
Merry: That Black Rider was looking for something, or someone. Frodo? Have you been bugging Gandalf again?
Frodo: *penitently* Yes...
Merry: How many times have we been told not to bug the wizard? I mean, last time was bad enough-that dog he set on us was twice our size and could have eaten us in one bite, easy, and now Black Riders? We all know he just makes friends so he can set them on us when we bug him, right? *general agreement* So, what did you do this time?
Frodo: *forlornly* Well, today it was more a question of what I didn't do to bug him...See, first I scared him when he had to pee, and then he hit his head and called it stupid and I agreed with him...
Pippin: Oh, Frodo!
Merry: How could you!?
Frodo: Yeah, well. And, lessee, before that, I made him forget his lines...
Rider appears, in the distance, interrupting Frodo's catalogue of his misdeeds.
Sam: Get down!*stops and thinks a moment* Yeah! Let's breakdance like Gandalf!
Frodo: Oh, no, not that again! Last time I heard 'get down', Gandalf bonked me with his stupid staff!
They hide again, lest Gandalf should be around and have heard Sam's comment.
Frodo: I have to leave the Shire. Sam and I have to get to Bree.
Merry: Bucklebury Ferry. Follow me.
They run, but the horse is right behind them. Frodo gets separated from the rest, who get to the Ferry ahead of him.
Merry: Sam, get the ropes!
They untie the raft.
Merry, Pippin and Sam in chorus: Run, Frodo! Jump!
Frodo: *confused and irritated* Make up your minds! Which is it, 'run' or 'jump'? I'm not an acrobat, I can't do everything at once!
The Ringwraith is right behind Frodo, and catching up fast.
Frodo: Go!
Merry, Sam, and Pippin: *look around for toilet* Where?
Frodo: *hurriedly* I mean, push off from the dock!
Frodo jumps off the dock, and just makes it onto the Ferry. The Rider stops at the water's edge.
Frodo: How far to the nearest crossing?
Merry: The Brandywine Bridge. Twenty miles.
They look back to see three Riders now, heading for the Bridge.
Pippin screams suddenly and falls down in convulsions.
Merry: *turns to look* What?
Pippin: *through teeth chattering with terror* His robes-as he turned-flew up-!!
Merry: *curiously* What? Did you see his underwear?
Pippin: *sobbing in horror* HE WASN'T WEARING ANY!! Oh...I'll never be the same...My eyes, they've burned away from the sight...Oh, I have witnessed pure evil...
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Many thanks to Cassandra Claire and her Secret Diaries for letting us use her 'sparkly ceremonial mascara' idea, (over and over and over...)! Her website is, http://diaries.diagon.org/, if you want to check out her series. She's got just about everyone covered, including Ringwraith No. 5, though how you would tell which wraith was which under those robes, I don't know!