The Road to Rivendell
The party leaves Bree, avoiding the roads.
-Frodo: Oooh, there's an evil road! Pretend it isn't there, Sam, and maybe it will go away!-
Frodo: Where are you taking us?
Strider: *rolling his eyes in rangerly disgust* Into the wilds, you fool! *sarcastically pretends to look around* Fewer buildings, fewer people-yep, looks like the wilds to me!
They walk for a while in silence as Sam mentally plans to sauté Strider alive as soon as he is no longer needed.
Merry: *loud enough that Strider can hear* How do we know this Strider is a friend of Gandalf's?
Frodo: We have no choice but to trust him. *grumps to himself*
Sam: Yeah, but where is he leading us?
Strider: To Rivendell, Master Gamgee, the home of Elrond.
Sam: Did you hear that? Rivendell! We're going to see the Elves! Yippee!
Strider: Excuse me. But did you just say 'yippee'?
Sam: *looking innocent* What? Me? No, of course not!
Sometime later:
The Hobbits stop in the middle of the path and begin to get comfortable.
Strider: *turning to find that he has lost his retinue* Gentlemen, we do not stop till nightfall.
Pippin: What about breakfast?
Strider: You have had it.
Pippin: We've had one, yes, what about second breakfast? (A/N I love the smug way he says that!)
Merry: *looking from Strider to Pippin* I don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip.
Pippin: *beginning to get a little hysterical* What about elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them, doesn't he?
Merry: I wouldn't count on it.
Pippin: But I'll starve!
Strider throws an apple to Merry, who catches it and gives it to Pippin, and another one to Pippin, who gets hit in the head with it.
Merry: Pippin!
Pippin: What did I do!? I was just standing there, minding my own business! And he hit me!
Merry: Oh, sorry. Usually anything wrong is your fault, no offence. Let's try this again, shall we?
He turns to Strider, who is gaping like a fish at this long and somewhat convoluted conversation.
Merry: STRIDER! How could you?! Shame on you, picking on a small, defenceless baby Hobbit like that!! You are lower than a worm!
Pippin: WHAT!!? *steaming* A BABY!?
Strider: WHAT!!? *steaming* A WORM!?
Merry: *hobbit brain working quickly to save him from an early and painful death* Uh...Sorry?
Saruman using Palantir. (A/N Which begs the question: for what, exactly?)
Saruman: The power of Isengard is at your command, Sauron, Lord of the Earth.
Various Orcs listening in at the door: OOOH! Brown-nosing!
Sauron: Build me an army worthy of Mordor.
Saruman sits in his study, looking uncomfortable as he tries to think up an army scary enough for Mordor. Some of his Orcs enter, looking out of place.
Orc: What orders from Mordor, my lord? What does the Eye command?
Saruman: Is that all you ever think about!!? The stupid EYE!! Will no one ever serve me for me?! *huffs for a minute* We have work to do.
The Orcs begin pulling down trees. Gandalf observes from his prison atop the Orthanc tower.
Orc: The trees are strong, my lord. Their roots go deep.
Saruman: Rip them all down.
Trees: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipppppppppppppp...
Frodo and Company come to a rocky place.
Strider: This was once the great watchtower of Amon Sul. *sadly* Now, it is just a bunch of rocks. We will rest here tonight.
Strider sits down, unwraps four swords, and passes them out to the Hobbits.
Strider: These are for you. Early Christmas presents.
Frodo: What! We only just met a couple days ago, you're not supposed to give presents to every stranger you come across!! And as to the occasion, where have you been? We in Middle-earth don't celebrate Christmas! Remember?!
Strider: Whatever! They can be late birthday presents then. My birthday's in March. Keep them close.
Frodo: You still only met us a couple days ago.
Strider: *annoyed* Urgh! *struggles not to knock Frodo's head off* I'm going to have a look around. Stay here, and no getting into danger or our food supplies!
Strider sneaks off on the pretence of scanning the perimeter of their camp for enemies, but what he is actually doing is running off to meet with and, hopefully, grope Arwen, who promised to be following him and to meet him just about here. He soon discovers her, hiding in a bush so that no evil things will find her. They make out for a while, he promises to meet her again the next night after they journey a bit more, and they part ways.
Meanwhile, back at the camp, Frodo has been napping. He wakes up to find that the others have built a fire and are now cooking and eating all the food supplies.
Frodo: What are you doing?
Merry: Eating, you fool, what does it look like?!
Sam: But not everything! We saved some for you, Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: But Strider will kill us if there's no food left! Put it out, you fools, put it out!
Frodo stamps out the fire, forgetting that his feet are bare, covered in quite flammable hair, and not that tough.
Frodo: OWW!!! Ow, ow, ow, ow...*dances in little circles for a while to put his feet out*
A Ringwraith shrieks close by. They look over the edge to find five Ringwraiths approaching. Frodo pulls out his sword.
Frodo: Go! Er-I mean run! Really fast!!
Frodo runs off, whimpering as he goes.
Frodo: Ow, ow, ow...
The other three Hobbits follow him to the centre of the old tower and stand back to back, trying to make a fighting formation and not succeeding too well. The five Ringwraiths enter the ruin.
Sam: Go home, you!
Sam leaps forward to fight the Wraiths and gets tossed aside. Merry and Pippin step in front of Frodo and get the same treatment, squealing like pigs as they go. Frodo drops his sword and backs away, not wishing to become wall-pie like his cousins and gardener. He trips in a puddle and falls down. The Wraiths seem to know he has the Ring. They urge him to put it on. He does, and they all focus on it. The Wraiths close in, and he finally puts on the Ring. The Captain of the Ringwraiths tries to take the Ring. It takes all Frodo's strength to pull it away. The Wraith Captain is royally POd that Frodo has denied him and stabs him in the shoulder. Strider attacks the Wraiths, and Frodo takes the Ring off and begins screaming very loudly and shrilly.
Sam: Frodo!
Sam runs to Frodo, now that he can see him.
Frodo: Oh, Sam, you- *begins a rather obscene genealogy of Sam's mother*
Strider, meanwhile, sets fire to the Wraiths. They wisely follow Sam's advice and go home, running lest their robes burn all away and Strider see them naked.
Sam: *putting Frodo's continued cussing off to delirium, but still red in the face* Strider! Get over here NOW!!
Strider races over, kneels down next to Frodo and picks up the sword, but the blade dissolves into dust. He looks at it, then throws it away like a broken toy.
Strider: *disgustedly* He's been stabbed with a Morgul blade. Stupid ill-made blades, they fall apart at the first sign of use. Why is the Dark Lord using these things still? *without thinking first* I thought I told him to use something better!
Merry and Pippin in chorus: You TOLD him?!! What were you doing talking to Sauron!!?
Strider: *innocently* Hm? I didn't say anything. *quickly changes the subject* This wound is beyond my skill to heal, he needs Elvish medicine. Tylenol and stuff. Yup. *nods to himself* Well, we better get going!
Strider picks up Frodo, who is howling like-wait, not a girl, because that would insult girls. A five-month old who's missed feeding? Closer, but still...
Sam: We're six days from Rivendell! He'll never make it!
Strider: Hang on, Frodo.
Frodo: *under breath*To what? I'm jouncing around up here on your shoulder like a sack of potatoes! *louder, to get attention* Get me Gandalf! Even he never tortured me like this, and he cracked me over the head with his darned staff all the time!
Gandalf is still imprisoned on top of Isengard, which is now devoid of any plant life and has deep holes in the ground where Orcs are forging weapons and armour. A moth flutters by Gandalf's head, and he catches it, speaks to it, and lets it go. The moth flies away.
Moth: Yahoo! Get out of my way, Orcs, I'm a moth on a mission!
Saruman oversees his latest project-a new type of creature is being raised in muddy pits. The first awakens and immediately kills the Orc tending it. Saruman squeals with joy and flings himself at the nearest Orc.
Saruman: Oh, it worked!! Oh, I'm so happy!! *kiss kiss* I'm so-hey, you're an Orc!!
Orc: Last time I looked, yeah.
Saruman: Shut up, slave! You're not supposed to talk to me that way! Oooh, gross, I kissed an Orc...But anyway, my project worked and I'm happy, so I won't have you slaughtered after all. *turns back to the new creature and talks to no one in particular* Isn't he cute? His name is Lurtz.
Strider carries Frodo, they stop at the three stone trolls.
Sam: Mr. Frodo? He's going cold!
Frodo, in his odd English accent: You peon!! You are so far beneath me...(A/N How's that for cold?)
Pippin: Is he going to die?
Strider: He is passing into the Shadow World. He will soon become a Wraith like them.
Pippin: See, I told you he was better at that pessimistic thing than even Gandalf!
There is a cry, not far enough away.
Merry: They're close!
Strider: *rolling eyes and muttering* Brilliant! Sam, do you know the Athelas plant?
Sam: Athelas? No, I've never met it...
Strider: Urgh! I meant have you heard of it, not met it, you foolish Gamgee!! Athelas! It's also called Kingsfoil.
Sam: Kingsfoil? Aye, that's a weed.
Strider: It may help to slow the poison.
Sam and Strider search for plant, Strider finds it.
Arwen: What's this? A Ranger caught off his guard?
Frodo sees Arwen as she is from the shadow world-a beautiful, glowing elf-maiden in white robes.
Arwen: Frodo, I am Arwen. You are the ugliest Hobbit I have ever seen, and that includes your Uncle Bilbo.
The colour is bleaching out of Frodo's eyes as the poison takes over. He gives no reply to the insult, which worries Arwen, as Bilbo is actually much uglier than his nephew and she would have expected some kind of answer from anyone, even someone turning into a Ringwraith, when they were confronted with being compared to THAT evil-looking Hobbit.
Merry: Who is she?
Arwen: *still worried* Frodo!
Merry: She's Frodo? She doesn't look like Frodo. Is she going to replace the old one?
Sam: She's an Elf, stupid!
Arwen: He's fading. He's not going to last. We have to get him to my daddy.
Strider chews up some of the Kingsfoil and presses it into the wound.
Frodo: *forgetting that he's supposed to be turning into a dreaded Wraith* OWWWW!!! Oh, that hurt...what was that?
Strider: Oh, I just chewed up some of this Athelas...
Frodo: SPIT!? You put SPIT in an open wound!? MY open wound!? How COULD you!
Strider ignores Frodo's rants, chalking it up to delirium. Instead he picks him up and carries him to Arwen's horse.
Arwen: I've been looking for you for two days. There are five Wraiths behind you. Where the other four are I do not know.
Strider lifts Frodo onto Arwen's horse.
Strider: Look, I'm sorry about not meeting you and all, but I was delayed by some stupid Hobbits. Especially this one! *glares at Frodo* He went and got himself stabbed, and after I had told him not to get into danger, too! *pouts*
Frodo can actually speak and understand Elvish, but he is currently too busy raving about the spit issue, and thus doesn't notice that he is being unjustly insulted.
Aragorn: You stay with the other Hobbits now. I will send horses for you.
Arwen: *still miffed about being left out in the damp night for hours, waiting* I am the faster rider. You, you great lump of a Ranger, couldn't stay on your horse if Sauron himself were after you! I will take him.
Strider:*looking miffed at this blatant snub to his masculinity* The road is too dangerous for you.
Arwen: Ha! As if! If I can get across the river, the powers of my goodly Daddy will protect him. I do not fear them.
Arwen gets on her horse, behind Frodo.
Strider: Arwen. Ride hard and don't look back. Farewell.
Sam: What are you doing? Those Wraiths are still out there!
Arwen and Frodo ride, chased by some Ringwraiths. The Wraiths try to influence Frodo, either to give in to the poison or to put the Ring on. (A/N Anyone know what that gross brownish goo in the corners of Frodo's mouth and eyes is? Watch the close-up when Arwen and Frodo come out of the trees, and you'll see it.)
Arwen: No! Frodo, you must not! (A/N Meaning putting on the Ring.)
Frodo: Aww, why not? It's fun for me!
Arwen: 'Cause I SAID SO, ya furry-footed greenish fool! And don't even THINK about throwing up on my horse!
They get to the river Bruinen, close to Rivendell, and Arwen stops most of the way across to rear her horse and look cool. All of the Nazgul stop at the bank, not wanting to get wet in the icky Elvish water.
Ringwraith: *trying to be intimidating* Give up the halfling, she-elf!
Arwen draws her sword, still trying to look cool.
Arwen: NO! AHAHAHA!! He's MINE, all MINE!! *starts cackling hysterically, then thinks about it and decides she's not acting royal enough* Uh, I mean...*puts on best majestically brave voice* If you want him, come and claim him!
The Ringwraiths start to cross the river, thoroughly incensed by the snotty Elf and forgetting about their fear of the water. Arwen speaks to the river in Elvish, and it rises suddenly. Arwen looks shocked that it worked. A flood washes down the riverbed, led by white horse-shapes, and the Nazgul, although they scream and run like frightened children, still get their horses drowned and they themselves washed away. Frodo starts to wheeze loudly and slides gently off the horse. Arwen goes with him.
Arwen: No, Frodo! Don't give in! Not now! *slaps him hard*
Frodo: *weakly* Owww...
Frodo passes out. Arwen, seeing what she has done, starts to cry and wail.
Arwen: OH!! He's dead! Oh, I didn't mean to, I swear! Daddy, fix him! Let what grace is given me be passed to him.
Pippin, from behind the scenes: *snickers* That might not do him a lot of good, because you haven't got much grace to begin with!
Arwen: *whirls to face Pippin* Not that kind of grace and I have so got that, lots of it, and SHUT UP BECAUSE THIS IS IMPORTANT!!! *turns back to Elrond* I'll never be mean to him again, cross my heart! Let him be spared. Save him!
Elrond: *absently and somewhat ruined by static, as the transmission has to come from Rivendell and there are trees in the way* As I recall, you said that same thing about your puppy, and then you left it out in the sun and it did that shrivelly thing and I was the one who had to deal with the EHTA(Elves for the Humane Treatment of Animals)...
Arwen: *frantic* But he's not mine he's Aragorn's and now I've broken him and ARAGORN IS GOING TO KILL ME!!
Elrond: Oh, alright, sweetie. If you promise...
Elrond says a fixing-spell in Elvish. Frodo's world dissolves into light as Elrond's utter hideousness overcomes his senses.
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Note: All bold text denotes speaking in Elvish.
Okay, so I've taken a really long time with this one-can I help it that I can never get to computer?! Dolphin spends most of his waking hours attached to the screen, and the only time I have is when he is busy with chores or schoolwork! Urrgggh! Next chap should be out by Saturday, though, since he's going to be doing much of the work. Hah, so there!
By the way, goodly is one of dolphin's very favourite expressions; you'll notice it often in places where he has contributed!