Disclaimer: They don't belong to me, I'm only borrowing them for a short time & promise to return them as good as new J I'm not making any money from this & no infringement is intended.
Love Has Come
By Melanie-Anne
Part 3– Without You
Private Journal of Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie
I'm confused. Familiar words coming from me, aren't they? I think I'm going mad. Or I will be, shortly, if things continue the way they have. I almost slipped up and told him exactly how I feel about him today. A part of me wishes that I had just blurted it all out except I know doing so would have been a mistake. Mostly because I was angry. At him, of course. And the stupid fool didn't even know why but if he had any inkling of a feeling for me then it would have been obvious. I think it was obvious anyway, to Sturgis at least. He just gave me this look that said 'If you tell him, it will make things better.' Right. As if I would say, "Well, H, the reason that I'm mad at you is because you were talking to Miss Blonde-Silicon-Barbie when you could have been talking to me!" No thanks, just because I'm thinking like a schoolgirl, doesn't mean I have to sound like one.
Day 23
Harm stepped out of the shower and wiped the condensation from the bathroom mirror. His eyes widened as he took in his reflection; he looked terrible. He picked up Mac's razor – his was still at his place – and started shaving. When he strolled out into the bedroom, he realized that the apartment was looking more like his home than Mac's. The dishes had piled up in the sink, articles of clothing were lying everywhere and the refrigerator was empty.
Harm started with the dishes first and then went around picking up the clothes. He was about to dump them into the laundry basket when he looked down and saw Mac's things lying at the bottom. He stood frozen, mesmerized. He'd had no idea Mac liked lace – in his fantasies, he pictured her in satin but had assumed she wore cotton under her uniform.
He wished that he'd told her he loved her sooner and couldn't help thinking about all the lost time they could have had together. To think he'd been scared that she'd reject him when all this time she'd loved him too. Reading her journal brought him close to tears. What a fool he'd been.
Eventually, satisfied that he'd done a good enough job of tidying up, he ventured out of the apartment for the first time in days to buy some groceries.
Private Journal of Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie
I babysat little AJ today. Bud and Harriet are so lucky. They're happily married and have the most adorable little boy. Will I always be 'Auntie Mac' and never 'Mommy?' Does H. even want children? He'll make a great father but I'd be a lousy mother. Not that he'd ever want children with me. Oh, I know we made that deal but when the time's up I won't hold him to it. Still, just imagine what beautiful children we'd have… No. Stop it. Thoughts like that will only make it worse. Face it, it's never going to happen. You're living in a dream world, Sarah.
Day 25
Harm was a little anxious about returning to JAG. He'd been away for almost a month and he didn't want anyone's pity. But he'd finally realized that moping around in Mac's apartment was not going to bring her back and he knew that she wouldn't have wanted him to do that. She would have wanted him to get on with his life.
The detective in charge of Mac's case had told him that while they were not giving up on the search, they were decreasing the number of people involved. They needed the manpower in other areas, he'd said. Harm had said nothing; he'd known that words wouldn't have helped. When he left the police station he called Webb who had nothing promising to offer him either.
Everyone at JAG headquarters was thrilled to see him. Singer, in her usual tactless way, made a comment that Harm chose to ignore.
Things were almost back to normal.
Private Journal of Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie
Would H. think I'm weak if I admitted to him that I'm getting a couple of creepy phone calls? I mean, it's not like I'm really spooked, it's just…I don't know. I just feel the need to tell someone. But the last thing I want is for him to get all over-protective about me again. He's so annoying when he does that! But I guess I should be grateful that he cares, even if it's only in the best friend/big brother kind of way.
I'm not going to tell him.
Day 28
Four weeks to the day since she'd gone, Harm came to the sad realization that he was able to go on without her. But he refused to pretend that she'd never been in his life and gave up the lease on his apartment to move permanently into Mac's.
Still, despite this, he held on to a tiny sliver of hope that she would return.
…And that was why he kept all of her stuff. That was why he called the detective – with whom he was now on a first name basis – and Webb every day to check on their progress. He tried not to get angry when they said they had nothing.
Harm tried his first case since returning to work and won. He'd opted to work partnerless for a while, not yet willing to replace Mac in that part of his life.
Private Journal of Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie
Sometimes I wish that I was somebody else. Anybody else. Someone taller, perhaps. Blonder. With blue eyes. Someone whose past wasn't such a mess. When I was little, I used to dream that I had a storybook life with perfect parents who loved me no matter what I did. And later, after Uncle Matt had helped me turn my life around, I used to wish that I'd made different choices. I wonder what kind of person I'd be now if my younger years had been less… traumatic. Things haven't been easy for H. either. Maybe we're so compatible that we're incompatible. Is that even possible? I just wish I had the courage to tell him how I feel.
Day 36
Harm didn't realize that he was heading for the airstrip until he arrived. Once there, the desire to fly was lit and he climbed into the cockpit of a plane. Up in the air at long last, he let loose his first real laugh in he couldn't remember how long. He dipped and rolled, feeling so far away from everything on the ground below.
Later that afternoon, when he tried to call Webb, he couldn't get through.
Day 40
Harm had been at work for just under an hour when he received a phone call from the detective asking him to come to the morgue to identify a body. As the detective's words sank into his brain, he collapsed into his chair and held his head in his hands. Bile rose up in his throat. He hadn't really believed that she would never come back. Taking deep breaths, he sat still until the pounding in his head slowed and he was able to stand. He decided not to say anything to the rest of the JAG staff until he knew for certain.
The drive from the JAG office to the morgue seemed to take forever. Harm was only vaguely aware of the other traffic on the road and it was a miracle he made it to his destination in one piece.
Grim-faced, the detective greeted him and they walked slowly to where the body lay. Harm held his breath as the sheet was lifted to reveal the woman's face.
"It's not her," he breathed with relief.
"Are you sure?" the detective asked. The body had been found in water and was in bad condition.
Harm nodded. "Mac has shorter hair."
Private Journal of Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie
I'm feeling so down today. I don't know why, but it's been one of those days where you snap at everyone for no reason at all and every little thing annoys you. I even snapped at Chloe who had only called to say hi. I called her back straight away to apologize. Sometimes I feel as though the world is spinning too quickly and I'd do anything just to step off, just for half a minute so that I can catch my breath. If I died tomorrow, would anybody miss me?
Day 47
Harm took Chloe to see a movie and this time there were no tears when they spoke of Mac. They only dealt with the good things like how great a friend she'd been to both of them and how much fun they'd had with her. After the movie, Harm bought her ice cream and they walked around the mall, each lost in their own memories.
Day 53
Harriet proudly announced that she and Bud were expecting another baby. Harm was one of the first to offer his congratulations. Then he retreated to his office. He couldn't help thinking about the words in Mac's journal about their children. Closing his eyes, he imagined a double-story house with a huge garden. In his mind's eye, Mac sat on the garden swing, cradling a baby in her arms. Harm could clearly see the trees towering over her and the shadows of the leaves playing across her features. He could almost hear the laughter of the two children as they chased each other around the garden, laughing and shrieking. The little girl took refuge behind Harm, grabbing onto his pants leg as she peered out at her brother. "Daddy, save me." She giggled.
Harm opened his eyes and pulled out his desk drawer, taking out a photograph of Mac.
"Oh, Sarah, where are you?"
Private Journal of Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie
I'm thinking about changing my number. Whoever's been phoning me hasn't stopped and it's gotten past being creepy. Now it's just annoying. This has been going on for over a month now. Enough is enough! H. is supposed on a date tonight. Not that I care- who am I kidding? Of course I care. Why does he go out with other people when he could be with me? I'm such a fool. Of course he doesn't want to be with me. I suppose it's kind of romantic, in a Bronte-ish, unrequited love sort of way. But then, I never did like the Brontes.
Day 59
Harm shook his client's hand and walked him to the door of his office. He'd won the case and was about to ask the admiral what his next assignment was, when Harriet beckoned for him to come to her. When she told him that Webb had left a message to call, he rushed back to his phone and dialed the familiar number.
"Webb."
"It's Harm-"
Harm didn't have the chance to complete his sentence before Webb spoke again.
"We found her."