The Council of Elrond

A Council is gathered, of Men and Elves and Dwarves and Frodo. (A/N So Frodo is a breed unto himself now, is he? *thinks a moment* Hee, hee! Imagine hordes of little Frodos, all with huge, outsized eyes and trembly little lower lips! Sauron should have thought of that: all they would have to do is threaten to cry, and the world would fall before them!)

Elrond: *clears throat and puts on best lordly voice* Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You are summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-earth stands on the brink of destruction. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom. *pauses dramatically* Bring forth the Ring, Frodo.

Frodo gets up and puts the Ring on the special little stand in the center of the Council room, although no one quite knows why there is a stand in the center of a Council room. I mean, it's a stone stand, it's not like you could just pick it up from someplace else and bring it there, so it must have been there all along, right? But why would anyone need a stand in the center of a Council room?

Boromir: So it is true. Elves really don't have any sense of reality, only art...

Legolas, Elrond, and various other Elves who happen to be there: HEY!!

Boromir quickly changes the subject, before the Elves can kill him

Boromir: The Ring is a gift. A gift to the foes of Mordor! Why not use this Ring? Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor, kept the forces of Mordor at bay. By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe! Give Gondor the weapon of the Enemy. Let us use it against him!

Strider: You cannot wield it. None of us can. The One Ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master.

Boromir: And what would a ranger know of this matter?

Legolas bounces out of his chair like there are springs in his butt and starts laying into Boromir.

Legolas: He is no mere ranger. This is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance.

Boromir: This is Isildur's heir?

Legolas: And heir to the throne of Gondor.

Aragorn: Shut yer trap, Legolas.

Boromir: Gondor has no king.

Aragorn: *looking insulted* We know that! That's why it has a Steward, if it had a king it wouldn't need-

Boromir: *interrupts* Gondor needs no king. Especially not one who can't even remember to bathe and shave!

Aragorn: Hey, look who's talking!

Boromir: Yeah, but I just came in from a long and arduous journey across miles of embattled territory! What's your excuse?!

Aragorn: I just came in from herding four insatiably hungry Hobbits across miles of foodless wasteland! I win!

Aragorn sits back, looking smug. Boromir looks vaguely impressed, although he would never admit it.

Boromir: Oh, well, then...

Elrond: *hisses* You are RUINING my Council! Get back to your lines, now, before I have you both thrown out on your royal and semi-royal rears!

Gandalf: *trying to get back to the point* Aragorn is right. We cannot control it.

Elrond: *still miffed, but covering admirably*  We have but one choice. The Ring must be destroyed.

The Ring mutters its displeasure.

Ring: Son of a BLEEP, can't keep his stupid ideas to his own BLEEP self, no wonder his BLEEP wife left him...

Gimli: What are we waiting for?

Gimli picks up his axe and hits the Ring with it. Frodo sees the Eye, and the axe is shattered. Frodo starts clutching his head, recalling the last time Gandalf hit him. Gimli is knocked to the ground.

Elrond: *snorts* Boy, you looked a fool! The Ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin, by any craft that we here possess. It was made in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can it be unmade.

Gimli: *incensed and out of breath from falling flat on his Dwarfy behind* Well, you could've TOLD me that BEFORE I hit it and broke my axe, ya idjit!

Elrond ignores this total breach of decency and respect, instead continuing with his dramatics.

Elrond: The Ring must be taken deep into Mordor, and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came. *pauses dramatically* One of you...must do this.

There is silence; then everyone but Elrond makes a sudden panicked rush for the doors.

Elrond: *bellows* SIT DOWN!! NOOOW!!!

Everyone stops in their tracks and sits down slowly, scattered whimpers audible as they do so. Boromir waits a moment, then takes a deep breath and begins an important-sounding speech, so as to calm himself and rebuild his ego.

Boromir: One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its Black Gates are guarded by more than just orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep.

Frodo: *impressed* Or even take a bathroom break?

Boromir: *glares* No interrupting when I'm doing my goodly speech! And the Great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly.

Legolas: Have you heard nothing that Lord Elrond has said? The Ring must be destroyed!

Gimli: And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?

Boromir: And what if we fail? What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?

Gimli: I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an Elf! Never trust an Elf!

Legolas: *as menacingly as is possible for someone who looks as feminine as he does* You wanna repeat that, mountain-brain?

Gimli: Oh, so Elves are deaf as well as stupid?

Legolas launches himself at Gimli at the same time as all the other Elves, who happen to be behind him, so he ends up crushed into the floor on top of Gimli while Frodo listens to the Ring chant the 'One Ring to rule them all' poem in the language of its master. The rest of the Council also dissolves into fist-fighting, and flames spread across the Ring's surface as it cheers them on.

Ring: Yeah, get him, Dwarf! Get the Elf, get the Elf! No, the other Elf, you dodo! THAT'S THE WRONG ELF! That one's out cold already ya fool, you're gonna pound him into jelly if you don't sto-OOOH! Yeah, pound the Elf into jelly! Yippee! Go, Wizard, pull the Ranger's hair, like that, yeah! Yahoo!

Frodo: *in a squeaky sort of voice lest the others take offense at being addressed while trying to fight* I will take it.

Fist-fighting continues.

Frodo: *slightly braver, since they didn't kill him the first time* I will take it!

Gandalf hears, and abruptly lets go of Aragorn's hair. One by one, the others realize that their problem is solved, and pause in their beating up on each other. Silence returns.

Frodo: I will take the Ring to Mordor. Though I do not know the way.

Gandalf: *gets up and tries to regain some semblance of dignity* I will help you bear this burden for as long as it is yours to bear.

Aragorn: If by my life or my death I can protect you, I will.

Aragorn kneels in front of Frodo.

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Legolas rolls his eyes disgustedly, then starts whining.

Legolas: Elrond!! He's being mean to me!!! He only wants to go cause I said I wanted to first..!

Elrond, having had much practice with his twins, Elladan and Elrohir, knows just what to do in this sort of a situation.

Elrond: Hush, Leggy! Or I'll take away your bow, and there will be no Orc-shooting fun for you!

Legolas: *pouts* Oh, alright...

Boromir: *trying to get back the feeling of the scene* You carry the fate of us all, little one. But if this is indeed the will of the Council, Gondor will see it done.

Sam runs into the room (if you can call it a room, that is), and takes his place beside Frodo.

Sam: Here! Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me.

Elrond: Indeed, it is hardly possible to separate you, even when he is summoned to my secret Council and you are not.

Merry and Pippin run in, too.

Merry: We're coming, too! You'd have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us.

Pippin: Anyway, you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission. Quest. Thing.

Merry: Well, that rules you out, Pip.

Elrond: Nine companions. So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring. *looks smug at having gotten such a good idea*

Pippin: Great. Where are we going?

Elrond: *gapes a moment, then-* WAAAHAHAHAHA! You RUINED my nice, IMPORTANT MOMENT! *snots and sobs for a moment* I am going to my room! I can't deal with you people anymore!

Elrond runs off, still sobbing.

Pippin: *innocently* What's with him?

Scene changes to Bilbo's room. Bilbo gives Frodo his old sword and armor.

Bilbo: My old sword, Sting. Here, take it, take it!

Frodo: It's so light!

Bilbo: Yes. Made by the Elves. The blade glows blue when orcs are close. Battery-powered, you know, although the batteries do tend to run out at the most inopportune times. And it's times like those, my lad, you have to be extra careful. Here's a pretty thing.

Bilbo holds up a chainmail vest, sized for a Hobbit. (It was actually made originally for a tiny likkle Elf-prince!)

Frodo: *skeptically* Lingerie?

Bilbo: Mithril. As light as a feather, and as hard as dragon scales. Let me see you put it on.

Frodo starts to take off his shirt, and the Ring shows on its chain.

Bilbo: Oh, my old ring. I should very much like to hold it again, one last time.

Frodo knows better, and buttons up his shirt again. Bilbo has an evil moment, which consists of him turning briefly into an almost-Orc, then recovers.

Bilbo: *starts to wail* I'm sorry I brought this upon you, my boy. I'm sorry that you must carry this burden. I'm sorry for everything!

Frodo comforts him. (We could do some really gross things with that, but we won't!!)