Disclaimer: They don't belong to me, I'm only borrowing them for a short time & promise to return them as good as new J I'm not making any money from this & no infringement is intended.
Love Has Come
By Melanie-Anne
Part 5 – In Dreams II
By the end of her first week at home, Mac was bored and irritable. Harm was the model of patience as he tended to her every need. He cooked meals for her, helped her bathe when she was too sore to do it by herself, brought her videos and magazines and held her in his arms when she woke from a nightmare.
But it was too much for Mac. After almost two months of hell, she couldn't deal with this kindness. And so when Harm took her breakfast that morning, she snapped.
"Damnit, Harm! You don't have to baby me! I can take care of myself!" She slapped the bowl of cereal away irritably.
Harm stared down at the mess of soggy cornflakes and broken glass.
"You know, Mac, if you didn't want cornflakes you should have just said so."
"I'm serious. Why do you feel that you have to take care of me? I never asked you to."
"But I want to."
She refused to meet his eyes. "Shouldn't you be at work or something?"
"I've taken more leave-"
"More leave?"
"Well, when you were…gone, I didn't work for a couple of weeks. So now I'm just using up my accumulated leave. I want to be here with you."
"You don't have to watch me every second of the day. I'm not going anywhere. Nothing's going to happen. You don't have to suffocate me."
"Is that how you feel? That I'm suffocating you?" His tone was subdued.
"Harm, I can't even go to the bathroom without you hovering over me. It's like I'm a prisoner all over again!" Her hand flew to her mouth as she realized what she'd said, but it was too late to take it back. The damage was done, she had hurt Harm. She could see the change in his eyes as he realized for the first time that things might not go back to the way they had been before.
"I'm sorry, Sarah. I'll be in the living room if you need me."
Her energy now spent, she didn't even bother wiping away the tears as she watched him leave the room, his shoulders sagging in defeat. She ignored her heart's cry of protest and listened instead to the voice in the back of her head; the voice that told her it was better this way.
***
In the second week, people started visiting. Bud, Harriet and little AJ were the first. While his parents spoke with Harm, AJ went looking for his Auntie Mac. He wandered into her bedroom and clambered up onto the bed to get a good look at her.
"Hello, AJ," she said.
He blinked curiously. "You look sick," he said eventually.
"I am sick. I have pneumonia."
"What's newmoanya?"
"It's the name for what I have."
"Oh." AJ accepted her answer as it came. "Auntie Mac, where did you go? And how come you were gone so long? And how come Uncle Harm lives here now?"
She answered the only question she knew the answer to. "Uncle Harm's here because he's worried about me."
In the kitchen, Harriet had taken charge and was making coffee. "You look tired," she said to Harm. "How long can you keep this up?"
"As long as it takes."
"Yes, but will you last that long? How are you coping?"
"Harriet-"
"You don't have to do this by yourself, you know."
"I know. It's just…this is partly my fault. If I had stayed longer, it wouldn't have happened."
"You don't know that."
"She's…she's different now that she's back. There are moments when she's her old self but most of the time she's this person I can't reach, no matter what I do."
"Does she speak about what happened at all?"
Harm shook his head. "She still can't remember. But her nightmares…the things she screams out when she dreams…I'm afraid to know what they did to her."
Bud placed a hand on his friend's arm. "She'll be okay. She has you."
Harm could only pray that Bud was right.
***
"Where's your hotshot boyfriend now that you need him, huh? Guess he doesn't love you after all."
No. You're wrong. He just doesn't know where I am, that's all. He's looking for me right now. And he will find me.
"So he is your boyfriend?"
What? No, not really. I don't know.
"Oh, don't act innocent now. If you had let him do his job properly you wouldn't be here now."
I don't understand. Who are you?
"Don't worry, sweetheart. I'll make sure you never forget me."
It's only when he unbuckles his belt that I realize his intentions. I scramble backwards until I'm pressed against the wall. There's nowhere else for me to go. I'm trapped here. He starts hitting me with the belt and I wince as the buckle hits my flesh. And then I relax. It's just a beating. I'm a marine. I'm strong. A beating I can handle.
Just as suddenly as he started, he stops. And the fear returns. There's a gleam in his eye that wasn't there before.
"You know, I can see what he sees in you. Not the kind of girl I usually go for, but I can see your appeal. Yes…you'll do quite nicely."
Mac woke up screaming and thrashing around in her bed. Harm, asleep on the couch, woke instantly and ran to her side.
"Shh, Mac, it's okay. I've got you. It's okay now."
The last thing she wanted was to be touched and she pulled herself out of Harm's arms.
"It's not okay. It's never going to be okay," she sobbed.
Harm was desperate. He could feel her slipping away. "Talk to me, Sarah. Tell me your dream."
She shook her head. "I…I can't." Already it was fading.
Perhaps it was best that she didn't remember.
***
When Harm returned from the grocery store one afternoon in the third week, he found Mac watching TV in the living room.
"What are you doing up?"
"I'm bored. Can you say 'cabin fever', sailor?"
Harm had always been able to read Mac pretty well but lately it had become increasingly difficult for him to judge her moods.
"I got some videos," he said neutrally.
"Oh?"
"Yeah, some classics. 'Take Me Out To The Ballgame' and 'Singing In The Rain', a personal favorite of mine." He flashed her his flyboy smile.
"Right, something light and fun. Nothing serious. Wouldn't want anything that might upset Mac," she snapped.
Harm tried not to let his frustration show. So she's going to be difficult today.
"You don't have to watch them if you don't want to. In fact, if you're so bored, you can cook supper tonight," he shot back.
Her face lit up. "Really?"
He nodded slowly, puzzled by her sudden mood swing. "If you really want to."
"I do." She patted the seat next to her. "So what did you want to watch first?"
***
"It's nice to see you up and about, Mac," Admiral Chegwidden said. He'd decided that phone calls weren't enough and that he had to see his two friends in person.
"If Harm had his way, he'd keep me in bed all day," she replied. At the admiral's shocked expression, she blushed. "To rest, I mean. I'm supposed to rest."
AJ let it slide. "We miss you at the office. Both of you."
"How are you dealing with the case load with two lawyers short?" Harm asked.
"Bud and Sturgis are handling the ones that would have gone to you. Singer's got some of theirs. I've been meaning to ask, when do you two plan on returning?"
"Whenever Mac's ready, sir."
"Will you still be staying here, then? Or are you going to be looking for another place?"
"Well, that's up to Mac."
"Will you stop talking as if I'm not here," Mac interrupted. "'Whenever Mac's ready.' 'It's up to Mac.' You haven't even bothered asking me what I want! You don't have to stay here, Harm. I don't want you to move closer because you're worried, either. You've already got an apartment-"
"Uh, actually, I don't," Harm said.
Mac gnawed her bottom lip, seething. "You gave up your apartment to live here?"
He was saved from her wrath for the time being by the ringing of the phone. Mac answered with an impatient "Yes?"
"Is she normally this sensitive?" AJ asked.
"Only since she got back," Harm sighed.
"Well, hang in there. She's worth holding on to."
"Oh, I know that."
Seconds later, the two men were confronted by an even angrier Sarah Mackenzie.
"Pregnancy tests? HIV tests? When were you planning on telling me, Harm?" Her voice, calm and controlled, belied the fury in her eyes.
"Was that the doctor? What did he say?"
"They're all negative but…damnit, you should have told me! What if they weren't? This would have been a helluva way to find out."
"It was a precaution. We didn't know what had happened, if you'd been…if you had been raped." Harm's last word was a whisper. He'd finally voiced the fear that had been gnawing at his gut ever since the doctor had mentioned the possibility.
"Why, Harm? I was never-"
Images from her nightmares jumped out at her.
Don't worry, sweetheart. I'll make sure you never forget me.
Two men, laughing at her. Taking turns with her and laughing.
Her back, grazed from the rough concrete floor. Weakly pushing at the man on top of her.
She swayed unsteadily on her feet. Her knees buckled. Harm caught her before she hit the floor.
I'll pretend it's Harm. I could cope if it was him….
Harm sat on the couch, cradling her in his arms like a little girl.
"Oh, Sarah, I'm sorry…."
"Yes, that's right, colonel, fight. I like it when you fight."
Harm held her as she sobbed, her entire body shaking. His tears poured silently down his face; he'd lost the battle to keep them at bay. It almost broke AJ's heart to look at them.
Much, much later, when Mac had drifted into sleep, Harm looked up at the older man sitting across from him. He felt like he'd aged a thousand years in the space of a few hours.
"This stays in this room," he said.
"Of course."
"I just…I love her so much. Why did this have to happen?"
"I don't know, son. I wish I had the answers for you. But sometimes there aren't any."
"I…I think that today was the first…the first time she remembered what had happened to her."
"Has she been for any counseling? Any post-trauma therapy?"
Harm shook his head.
"I think she needs to go." He paused. "You too."
"Me? No, I'm fine," Harm protested.
"No, you're not. You're trying so hard to be strong for her and you need someone to be strong for you."
"I'll think about it." It was a big concession and the admiral knew it.
"I'll look up those numbers for you."
"Thank you, sir."
***
Mac was pretending to be asleep when Harm checked on her. He'd become something of an expert in her sleeping patterns. It had been three days since her breakdown and all she'd done in that time was sleep and pretend to sleep. He was getting the distinct impression that she did not want to talk to him.
"Sarah?" he sat on the edge of the bed and gently laid a hand on her back.
No, Harm, just go away. Please. It's better if you just go.
"Sarah, please? AJ gave me some numbers for, uh, for some counseling."
Unconsciously, he started tracing circles on her back. She couldn't take it and rolled away from him.
"Harm, please don't touch me." Her voice was flat.
"Sarah-"
She looked up at him and her eyes were dead. "You should go back to work, Harm. I think I'm going to go away for a while."
"No."
His tone surprised her. "What?"
"I'm not going to let you run. If you start, you're not going to stop. I know you. If you leave now, you'll never be back."
He knew he was right. So did she. She hated herself for it.
"You don't need me in your life."
"What?! Sarah, I almost lost it when you were gone. Of course I need you."
"I wasn't sure if you wanted me before, with all the baggage I already had. And now there's…there's this."
"I don't love you any less because of what happened to you. How could you even think that?"
She froze. Why did you have to go and say that now? It makes leaving harder.
Harm took her hand and covered his cheek with it, a cheek wet with tears. She hated that she had caused them.
"Sarah, don't leave me again. Please, I couldn't bear it if I lost you all over again."
Damn you for knowing my weakness.
"Just hold me, Harm," she whispered. It was all she was capable of saying.
He lay next to her and wrapped his arms around her. She pressed her head against his chest and listened to his heartbeat, glad that he'd convinced her to stay. She knew she wouldn't have been able to bear losing him again either.
She didn't feel so alone anymore. She felt safe.