Caradhras
The company leaves Rivendell, then wanders past ruins, over mountains, and through fields.
Gandalf: We must hold to this course west of the Misty Mountains for forty days. If our luck holds, the Gap of Rohan will still be open to us, and from there our road turns east to Mordor.
Days pass. They stop for lunch-I mean, they stop for lunch every day, of course, but none of those other days were filmed! Merry and Pippin practice swordfighting with Boromir while Aragorn smokes and watches them.
Boromir: Very good. Again!
Aragorn: Move your feet!
Gimli: If anyone were to ask my opinion, which I note they have not, I would say we're taking the long way around!
Gandalf: Well, that would be why we didn't ask you!
Gimli* ignores the sarcasm* Gandalf, we could go through the Mines of Moria. My cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome!
Gandalf: No, Gimli. I would not take the road through Moria unless I had no other choice. I've met your cousin Balin: he's no picnic! I've been avoiding him for years on end, ever since that time we went to see Bilbo, so why would I stop now?
Back at the sword-fight, Boromir accidentally nicks Pippin.
Pippin: Ow!
Boromir: Sorry!
Pippin drops his sword, kicks Boromir in the shins and tackles him. Merry joins in, and the two of them wrestle Boromir to the ground. Meanwhile, upset that everyone is paying more attention to the Dwarf, the Hobbits, and the Men than to him, Legolas gets up on a rock and poses. As he does, he notices something on the horizon. Everyone looks at the thing.
Sam: What's that?
Gimli: It's nothing, just a wisp of cloud.
Boromir: It's moving fast, against the wind.
Legolas: Grrr...Why won't they ever pay attention to me? I'm cuter than a thousand stupid crebain...Maybe I need to wash my hair more often, or start wearing more makeup...Or maybe lose some weight. Yes, that must be it! *trying to call attention to himself* Evil crebain from Dunland! Hide!
Everyone rushes to gather their possessions up, put out the fire, and take cover. When the crebain leave, they come out again.
Gandalf: Spies of Saruman. The passage south is being watched. We must take the Pass of Caradhras.
Climbing a snowy mountain, which just happens to be called Caradhras, Frodo falls with total lack of grace and rolls down the incline. Aragorn catches him, but the Ring is missing from around his neck. Frodo looks around and sees it laying in the snow just as Boromir picks it up.
Aragorn: Boromir.
Boromir: It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing. Such a little thing, just like its Bearer! Only lacking outsized eyes and an overwhelming urge to bawl like a baby!
Aragorn: Boromir! Give the Ring to Frodo.
Boromir: Awww...Do I have to? I just want to look at it, and maybe try it out a little bit...
Ring: Ooh, ooh! Yes, yes! Try me out, you'll like me, I swear! I always have liked the rugged, manly look, and you pull it off quite nicely! Not like that Isildur, he was sooo ugly...*shudders at the memory*
Aragorn: No! You may not keep it, Boromir! Give it back, now, before I steal your beautiful horn!
Boromir: Oh, fine. As you wish. Hmph. I care not.
Boromir sticks his nose in the air and hands the Ring back to Frodo, who grabs it like a blankie and starts hugging it tightly. Boromir then turns his back and huffs all the way up the rest of the mountain.
Back at Isengard, the crebain have returned and reported to Saruman.
Saruman, speaking to Gandalf, not to the poor crebain: So, you try to lead them over Caradhras. And if that fails? Where will you go? If the mountain defeats you, will you risk a more dangerous road?
Legolas tiptoes atop the snow while the others struggle through it. When he comes to the edge of a cliff, he stands there, listening.
Legolas: *squeals* There is a fell voice on the air! Run, everybody, run for your lives!
Gimli: That's easy for you to say, Elf! But how are we supposed to run anywhere like this?
Gandalf: Saruman! Stop scaring the Elf! Find somebody your own age to pick on!
In response to this, rocks fall off the side of the mountain, followed by snow. Legolas and Frodo both squeak like toddlers. Saruman can be heard snickering over the sound of the wind.
Aragorn: He's trying to make us wet our pants! Gandalf, we must turn back!
Gandalf: No!
Gandalf tries to stop the storm, but Saruman is reinforcing it from Isengard. Lightning strikes the mountain, and Legolas pulls Gandalf back from the edge to hug, teddy-style, just before snow falls and buries them all. One by one, they dig out of the giant drift. At once Boromir begins an argument.
Boromir: We must get off the mountain! Make for the Gap of Rohan, and take the west road to my city!
Aragorn: The Gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isengard!
Gimli: If we cannot go over the mountain, I say let us go under it! Let us go through the Mines of Moria.
Gandalf: *opens Gimli's mouth and peers down his throat* Are you, like, broken maybe? Cause you keep saying the same thing over and over again, you know.
Gimli: *annoyed* I know that! Look, I just wanna see my stupid BLEEP cousin, is that so much to ask when I very well might die tomorrow?! I mean, if you had family, and you were going to die tomorrow, wouldn't you want to tell 'em goodbye?!...
Merry: *lightbulb goes on over head* Uh, Pip?...
Pippin: What?
Merry: We never told our parents where we were going, did we? I mean, before we came on this whole Quest thingamajig?
Pippin: We didn't?
Long pause.
Merry: Oh, no.
Warm in Isengard, Saruman is looking at a beautifully illustrated picture-book and musing.
Saruman: Moria. You fear to go into those Mines. The Dwarves delved too greedily and too deep. You know what they awoke in the darkness of Khazad-dum. Shadow *pauses dramatically* ...and flame.
Gandalf: *interrupts Gimli's sympathy rants* Oh, whatever! Let the Ringbearer decide!
Frodo: WHAT! Me?
Gandalf: *extremely miffed* Yes you! You're the one who had to be all brave and heroic! *imitates Frodo's voice most unpleasantly* I will take it, he says. Well now we're taking it, so DECIDE ALREADY!
Frodo: *cowed* Um, okay...*starts deliberating*
Gimli: *whispers in Frodo's ear* Warmth...Mines...warmth...
Frodo: Uhhh...let's go through the Mines!
Gandalf: *glares at Gimli* So be it.