To Moria and Back
Merry: ...And you're not even GROWN UP YET!! I could be brought up on KIDNAPPING CHARGES, I could be thrown in jail for the REST OF MY LIFE! HOW could I be so STUPID as to bring you along and NOT TELL ANYONE!!...
Legolas: *disgustedly* This has been going on for hours! Can't somebody shut him up!
The Fellowship comes within sight of the gates of Moria.
Gimli: The walls of Moria.
Legolas: *starts giggling* Hahahaha! He just insulted his own ancestral home!
Gimli: WHAT!! I did not, Elf!
Legolas: *somehow managing to giggle and talk in a superior voice at the same time* Did too! You said 'Moria'! That's what we Elves nicknamed your stupid 'Khazad-dum', meaning it as an insult! It means 'black abyss', you idiot! Don't you know anything?
Gimli: AAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!
We get a quick glimpse of Gimli launching himself at Legolas and beating the Elf's head into the stones before the scene abruptly changes to a pan of the Fellowship as they walk next to a dark lake. Frodo's foot slips into the water, and he scrambles quickly back. Soon they reach a wall framed by two huge holly trees. Gandalf scrubs away dirt to find runes carved into the stone.
Gandalf: Well. Let's see. Ithildin. It mirrors only starlight and moonlight.
The moon comes out just on time, showing the outline of a door with silver writing above in Elvish.
Gandalf: It reads, 'The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak friend and enter'.
Merry: *mouth hanging open half-wittedly, having finally forgotten the kidnapping charges* What do you suppose that means?
Gandalf: Oh, it is quite simple. *muttering under his breath* Just like you, actually, but that's another matter... Ahem, yes, if you are a friend, you speak the password, and the doors open.
Doors: *cackling evilly* That's what YOU think...
Gandalf starts trying out passwords, but none of them work. Aragorn and Sam take all luggage off the pony's back and let him go.
Aragorn: *to Sam* The Mines are no place for a pony, even one so brave as Bill. *to Bill* Go on.
Sam: *snuffling* Byebye, Bill.
Aragorn: Don't worry, Sam, he knows the way home.
Sam: *suddenly incensed* HOW WOULD YOU KNOW!! You're only a stupid RANGER, you know NOTHING! *stomps off*
Aragorn: *bewildered* Was it something I said?
Merry and Pippin are busily throwing rocks in the lake.
Pippin: *over his shoulder* Don't worry, it's not you. I think it's that time of the month...
Sam: *bellows* I HEARD THAT!!
Aragorn suddenly notices what the Terrible Two are doing and reaches out to stop them.
Aragorn: Don't disturb the water! (A/N You have DISTURBED the DIRT!!!)
Having tried any number of passwords, Gandalf sits down in disgust.
Gandalf: This is useless!
Frodo, having been thoroughly enjoying watching the wizard throw temper tantrums and sulk, finally decides to let poor Gandalf in on his observations.
Frodo: *in a cheerful sort of voice* It's a riddle. 'Speak friend and enter.' What's the Elvish word for friend?
Gandalf: Mellon. *starts laughing hysterically* AHAHAHAHA!! Juicy, wonderful melons!!
Gandalf turns around to find the entire Fellowship, even the previously sulking Sam, staring at him.
Gandalf: What? It's not my fault, it's all the fault of that beam back at Bag End!
The gates open. They go in.
Gimli: Soon, Master Elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the Dwarves! Roaring fires, malt beeeeeer, (A/N hee, hee, I love the way he says that! ) rrrripe meat off the bone!
Rest of the Company, as one: EWWWWW!
Everyone except Gimli and Gandalf makes for the door, only to have Gandalf drag them back for politeness' sake. Gimli goes on, either not noticing or not caring that the others have all turned a bright shade of neon green.
Gimli: This is the home of my cousin Balin. And they call it a mine. A mine!
Boromir, in the midst of trying to find a place to upchuck, makes the mistake of inspecting the floor a bit more closely and suddenly becomes greener.
Boromir:*fighting the urge to hurl* This is no mine, it's a tomb.
Light reveals skeletons all over.
Gimli: No! NOOOO!! *makes a fool of himself bawling*
Pippin: *aside to Merry* If all the Dwarves are dead, does that get us off the hook with the meat thing?
Merry: I hope!
Legolas pulls an arrow out of one of the skeletons.
Legolas: Goblins!
Boromir: *now frantic* We make for the Gap of Rohan! We should never have come here! Get out! Get out!
Frodo is grabbed from behind by a roving tentacle from the lake and gets out somewhat more quickly and a good deal more violently than he had hoped to. All four hobbits leap at Frodo to help him, but the Watcher in the Water is huge. Sam decides they need help.
Sam: Strider!
Sam cuts off the tentacle holding Frodo, but more push the Hobbits away while another grabs the Ringbearer, dangling him far above the water. Aragorn and Boromir chop off tentacles. A huge mouth, full of teeth, rears out of the water, and Legolas puts arrows in it.
Legolas: There's a good place for an arrow...and there...and what do you think of one just above the eye? No? Too offbalance? Oh, well...
Aragorn chops off the tentacle holding Frodo, Boromir catches him when he falls. Legolas puts an arrow in one of the Watcher's eyes, giving Aragorn and Boromir time to get out of the water.
Gandalf: Into the mines!
They retreat to the mine. The Watcher crumbles the gate behind them.
Gandalf: We now have but one choice. We must face the long dark of Moria. Be on your guard! There are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of the world. Quietly now. It is a four day journey to the other side. Let us hope our presence may go unnoticed.
They begin climbing an old staircase, which is steep and cluttered with debris. Pippin loses his grip and starts sliding backwards, but Merry breaks his fall.
Merry: *shoving hard at the Took suddenly planted on top of him* Pippin!
They come to the top of the stairs.
Gandalf: I have no memory of this place.
Pippin: Are we lost?
Merry: No.
Pippin: I think we are.
Merry: Shh, Gandalf's thinking.
Pippin: Merry?
Merry: What?
Pippin: I'm hungry.
Frodo sees something behind them and goes to Gandalf.
Frodo: There's something down there.
Gandalf: It's Gollum. He's been following us for three days.
Frodo: He escaped from the dungeons of Barad-dur!
Gandalf: Escaped, or was set loose. Gollum hates and loves the Ring, as he hates and loves himself. He will never be free of his need for it.
Frodo: It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the chance.
Gandalf: Pity? It was pity that stayed Bilbo's hand. Many who live deserve death, and some who die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death and judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. My heart tells me that Gollum still has some part to play, for good or evil, before this is over. The pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of many.
Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had ever happened.
Gandalf: So do I! But look on the bright side, Frodo! At least all the dwarves are dead and we won't have to choke down 'ripe meat'! (stares into space a moment before suddenly erupting off the rock he had been resting on and scaring the rest of the Fellowship half to death) Ah! It's that way.
Merry: He's remembered!
Gandalf: No, but the air smells less foul down here. If in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow your nose.
Pippin: *sulkily under his breath* Why couldn't you use your darn sniffer before?
Luckily for Pippin's life, Gandalf doesn't hear. They continue on down a long passageway and come out into a room at the end.
Gandalf: Let me risk a little more light.
The light of the staff reveals that they are in a huge cavern, held up with immense pillars.
Gandalf: Behold! The great realm and Dwarf-city of Dwarrowdelf.
Sam: Well, that's an eye-opener and no mistake!
Gimli sees a door and runs through it (dolphin: Through it!).
Door: SMASH!!
Gimli: Owww....
Gandalf: Gimli!
The others follow, find Gimli bawling like a calf over somebody's tomb. Gandalf reads the Dwarven runes on the top of the tomb.
Gandalf: Here lies Balin, son of Fundough-oops, I mean Fundin-Lord of Moria. He is dead then. It is as I feared.
Gandalf finds a book held by a skeleton who used to be Ori leaning against the tomb.
Legolas: We must move on. We cannot linger here.
Aragorn, who is closest to Leggy, nods absently but the rest of the Fellowship is too busy listening to Gandalf's dramatic performance to care.
Gandalf: They have taken the bridge, and the second hall. We have barred the gates, but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes. Drums, drums in the deep. We cannot get out. A shadow moves in the dark. We cannot get out. They are coming.
Pippin backs away and accidentally knocks a skeleton into the well, making a little more than enough noise to wake the dead.
Gandalf: Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time (dolphin: Ha! Shows he expects a next time!), and rid us of your stupidity!
Pippin: *hurt* What?! It's your fault, you were scaring us on purpose with that stupid book...I had to get away from you!
There is a pause where it seems they might not have been heard, but then drums start pounding. Frodo's sword is glowing blue.
Legolas: Orcs!
Boromir checks out the door, almost gets hit by two arrows, shuts the door.
Boromir: They have a cave troll.
Aragorn: Stay back, close to Gandalf!
They bar the door with several old axes that were just lying about.
Gimli: Let them come! There is one dwarf yet in Moria who still draws breath!
Orcs: *from outside door* We can fix that one for you, you undersized BLEEEEEP!
Orcs break holes in the door. Legolas and Aragorn shoot arrows through the holes and kill Orcs on the other side. Finally, the doors break open and Orcs flood in. All the companions join in the fighting, even the Hobbits. Then the troll comes through the door and part of the wall. Sam slips under him, probably getting a GREAT view on the way. Many Orcs are killed, generally as messily as possible. The troll smashes the tomb Gimli is standing on top of, but misses Gimli, then kills several of the Orcs in its attempt to get the Dwarf. The troll uses its chain like a whip, trying to hit Legolas, who dodges. The chain becomes momentarily caught around a pillar, and Legolas runs up it to stand on top of the troll and gets a shot at its head, but jumps off when the troll grabs for his ankles. Sam hits several Orcs over the head with his frying pan.
Sam: I think I'm getting the hang of this!
The troll catches sight of the three Hobbits. They all dodge, but Frodo goes one way and Merry and Pippin the other. The troll follows Frodo, who manages to stay on the opposite side of the pillar from it for a while, but then he is surprised, falls down, and the troll grabs his foot.
Frodo: Aragorn! Aragorn! (A/N: ...he's our man..! heehee!)
Frodo cuts the troll's hand with Sting, and it lets go. Troll reaches for Frodo again, but Aragorn runs over and stabs it with a spear, prompting the troll to smash him into the wall. Frodo shakes Aragorn, but he doesn't get up. The troll stabs at Aragorn, but renews its interest in Frodo when he moves. Frodo dodges the spear, then runs into it and gets thrown against the wall. Before he can move, the troll stabs him with the spear. Frodo falls, after much gasping, gurgling, and odd contortions of the face, with the spear in his side. Merry and Pippin jump on the troll's back and stab it wildly. Troll grabs Merry and throws him off, Pippin stabs it again, when it rears up, Legolas kills the troll with an arrow through the brain. Pippin has a hard landing, still being on top of the troll when it falls.
Aragorn: Oh, no.
Thinking he's dead, Aragorn rolls Frodo over, only to have Frodo sit up. Aragorn nearly has a heart attack.
Sam: He's alive!
Frodo: I'm all right, I'm not hurt. *glaring at Sam* And I'm definitely not Frankenstein's monster!
The rest of the cast: Franken-wha???
Frodo: He said...the whole Igor, 'it's alive!' thing...don't you remember... *getting blank looks* Oh, you are all hopeless! *pouting*
Aragorn: *concentrating on one thing at a time* But-but-you should be dead! That spear would have skewered a wild boar!
Gandalf: I think there is more to this Hobbit than meets the eye.
Frodo, still pouting, pulls open his shirt to reveal a Mithril vest which looks oddly like a woman's slip, lace and all. (A/N If you look-sick, we know-it even looks a little filled-out in the front!)
Gimli: Mithril! You are full of surprises, Master Baggins!
Frodo: *still sulking* Yeah, whatever.
More Orcs approach.
Gandalf: To the bridge of Khazad-Dum!
They run through a cavern, but become surrounded by Orcs. There is a roar in the distance. The Orcs all run away.
Orcs: Oooh, we're so scared! We're running away!
Boromir: What is this new devilry?
Gandalf: A Balrog.
Frodo: *terrified* Bulldog?! Where!!!?
Gandalf: *miffed* A BALROG. A demon of the ancient world.
The camera lingers on Legolas' face when Gandalf mentions 'the ancient world'.
Legolas: *looking put out* What?! Are you implying something about my age?!
Gandalf: (Pretending he hasn't heard so he doesn't have to answer) This foe is beyond any of you. Run!
They run. Boromir abruptly comes to the edge of the path, drops his torch and teeters on the edge of a very long drop. Legolas pulls him back from the edge.
Gandalf: Lead them on, Aragorn! The bridge is near. Do as I say! Swords are no more use here!
They come to a gap in the apparently endless staircase, which Legolas jumps across easily (dolphin: Across staircase or gap?). Gandalf follows after a moment's hesitation. Boromir grabs Merry and Pippin, jumps across as the edge crumbles. Aragorn throws Sam across, but Gimli holds up a hand.
Gimli: Nobody tosses a dwarf!
Gimli jumps, but doesn't quite make it, and Legolas grabs his beard to keep him from falling.
Gimli: Not the beard!
More stone breaks away from the edge of the staircase, Frodo and Aragorn scramble back. The gap is now too far to jump. Part of roof breaks off, breaks the section Frodo and Aragorn are on loose from the rest of the stair. It starts to tilt. Trying to keep his balance, Aragorn finds he can influence the direction the stair falls.
Aragorn: Lean forward!
They do, and the section falls forward into the rest of the stair, allowing Frodo and Aragorn to rejoin the party. They keep running as the enormous section of stair falls into the abyss. They manage to get down the stairs to level ground without more trouble. As they run toward the bridge, the Balrog emerges from the chasm behind them. Gandalf makes sure everyone is across the bridge before he makes his stand. In the center of the bridge, he turns to face the demon, staff and sword in hand.
Gandalf: *infinitely proud of himself* You cannot pass.
Frodo: Gandalf! Stop fooling around and get over here!
A wave of flame spreads across the Balrog.
Gandalf: *grinning like an idiot five-year-old* No, you can't go through! Not until you say the password!
Boromir: Demented old coot...
The Balrog draws a flaming sword and swings at Gandalf, but he blocks it.
Gandalf: *pouting that his game is not being played properly* I SAID, you shall not pass until you say the password!
Gandalf throws a temper tantrum, slams his staff on the ground, and a flash of white light drives the Balrog back. The demon draws a whip of fire, steps onto the bridge, and the bridge gives way, dropping the Balrog into the chasm. It seems like Gandalf's won, but as he turns away, the tail of the whip catches his ankle and pulls him down. He gets a brief grasp on the edge of the bridge.
Gandalf: Go away and stop gaping at me, you fools!
And Gandalf follows his enemy into the abyss.
Frodo: Noooooooooo!
Frodo tries to return to the bridge, but Boromir holds him back.
Boromir: Aragorn!
Boromir carries Frodo away. Aragorn pauses, looking back until Orc arrows drive him away. The diminished group escapes into the sunlight before most collapse with grief, snotting all over. Legolas stands around looking vaguely like someone who just got hit head-on by a logging truck, while a cloud of fairy-dust erupts around Aragorn, making him their leader.
Aragorn: Okay, I'm the leader now! Let's go! Legolas, get them up!
Boromir: Give them a moment, for pity's sake!
Aragorn: By nightfall these hills will be swarming with Orcs!
Boromir: *gapes* Oh. I hadn't really thought of that...
Aragorn: We must reach the woods of Lothlorien. Come, Boromir, Legolas. Gimli, get them up! On your feet, Sam. Frodo? Frodo!
Frodo has drawn away from the rest. Tears spill silently down his face. Then suddenly-
Frodo: WAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! *throws himself down onto the rocks and starts kicking and wailing*
Aragorn: *shocked* Frodo?
Frodo: *looks up and abruptly begins screaming with laughter, still kicking* AHAHAHAHAHA!! Your FACE!! Oh, you should have seen your FACE!!
Aragorn: *turns to Leggy* Um, is he hysterical?
Legolas: Yeah, I think he's lost it...
Frodo: OH...Oh, I can't breathe...I feel sick...
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You have DISTURBED the DIRT!!! comes from Disney's animated film Atlantis for those who have not had the misfortune to be held captive by squeaking Disney-obsessed children. I think that that is the only thing that needs explaining this time-if I have overlooked anything, email me and I'll fix it.