~*~
N: Welcome back to the second half of 'The Conspiracy of Speedy Cerviche'...but I'll tell you what the REAL conspiracy is, and that's why the hell am I still working HERE?!
Guido: Because you can't pay rent on a doormat's salary?
N:… Actually, he has a point. How irritating… I suppose this my cue to continue the story from where we left off! Polly, Speedy, Fran and Guido have finally entered Speedy's house…and yes Speedy is still dressed like a woman (hehe!) They are all in Speedy's room searching for information that might clear him of being an alien...compelling so far, huh? (yawns)
Speedy: (looking through sheets of paper) ...Find anything guys?
Polly: …I found dust!
Fran: ....I found Fantastic 4 comics!
Guido: (giggling) And I found your WHAM CD!
Speedy: (blushing) My, MY! How did that get there…hehe! My cleaning lady must have forgot it…
Fran: But Speedy, you don't have a…
Speedy: (cuts her off) Shut UP!
Guido: Hey, I got you that CD for your 21st Speedy! I even got the band to autograph it for you on the back…see?
Speedy: (very embarrassed now) I said SHUT UP! (takes the CD off Guido and shoves it in a desk draw out of sight)
Polly: Hey Speedy! I found this photo of you and your 'non-alien' parents while vacationing in Istanbul. Do you think this be considered evidence?
Speedy: (reminiscing…) Aaaah yes! Istanbul! What a trip that was! ...Except when I got sent to that military camp for touching the sacred cow...
Guido: Oh so you met Princess Vi in Istanbul?
(Guido and Speedy laugh hysterically)
Fran: (on another notion…) Guys, I was thinking that if we went back to the Palace it might be more useful.
Polly: (confused) Why would it more useful to go there?
Fran: Well…maybe we can to talk to Princess Vi or get our hands on some secret information! That will clear Speedy's name for sure! I mean it's obvious that the Big Cheese is involved in all this so whatever he's doing we'll find it at the Palace.
Guido: (shaking his head) Nah! That's a stupid idea. The practical thing to do is stay right here.
Plus Speedy's bathroom is only next door and with the Palace bathroom you gotta walk up all those stairs and…
Polly: (angry) GUIDO! Can you stop thinking about bathroom convenience for one moment in your life?!
Guido: But Polly! Did you know that one in five people do not wash their hands after using bathroom facilities!? Hygiene is so very…
Polly: (slaps him on the head) GUIDO!! Do you want to be home by dinner TIME!?
Guido: (in pain)...I guess…I mean, yes! Yes I do!
Polly: Then get your tail down to the PALACE! NOOOW!!
Speedy: (speaking up timidly…) Ummm...could I get changed?
Polly: (still mad) NOOOOOOO!!
Speedy: Ah HELL! (kicks the wall in frustration)
N: Speaking of the Palace, Big Cheese is doing his part to capture the "alien"...
BC: (sitting on a Palace veranda reading the latest issue of Catnopoliton magazine in the sun!) My my… There is some very helpful hair removal tips in here!
(Jerry Attric comes out onto the veranda too…)
BC: JERRY! Listen, do you think my facial structure would look good with Cameron Diaz's eyebrows?
Jerry: Cheesy, when you told the Princess you were going to spend the rest of the day searching for the alien in town…were you high on one of those new energy drinks?
BC: Jerry don't be stilly! I'm perfectly stable…
N: (sarcastic) Yes, and Michael Jackson has gone natural!
BC: Besides you should know by now that I never do the dirty work myself. I'll just get a bunch of Ninja Crows to go find Speedy, I have more important things to take care of…
Jerry: Such as...?
BC: Well this eyebrow thing is really bugging me.
Jerry: (not amused) I'll go notify Bad Bird with the new orders...
BC: That will work out great because you're blocking my SUN!
N: As the Big Cheese continues to be model villain for children everywhere Guido, Francine, Speedy and Polly are on their merry way to the Palace...
Speedy: (struggling to walk in his high-heels) Why do we have to do this on foot?! The producers could have had the decency to rent a car for this scene...
Fran: As if they'd do that!
Speedy: (muttering to himself) They're nothing but a bunch of cheap, sons-a…!
N: But before Speedy could put himself in a position to be fired, a protester that resembles the singer David Bowie, and who happens to be a supporter for the newly built society of the D.O.A.B.Z.A.I.S (Defenders of Alien Beings, Zombies and Insurance Salesmen) has spotted our HEROES!
Protester #1: (pointing at Speedy accusingly) HEY! That's the alien DUDE! THAT'S HIM! And he's used outer-galactic powers to transform himself into a real ugly chick!
(On cue, 100 more angry protesters appear over the horizon carrying signs and clubs)
Guido: What is this? A 'Sci-fi Geeks Unite' parade?!
Protester #2: (waving his club fiercely) It is true, the alien is here! The one they call Speedy!
Kill it before it eats all the CHILDREN!
Speedy: (makes the "sign of the cross") May the Lord give me strength....
Guido: Yeah, strength to RUN!
Polly: Quick Speedy get out of here!
Protesters: (charging forward) KILL IT!! KILL IT!!
Speedy: (bolting in the opposite direction) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!! LEAVE ME ALONE!! I'M NOT AN ALIEN I SWEAR!! I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE E.T!!
N: But Speedy was wasting his breath, as he commonly does. The crowd was so swept up in their cause, they refused to hear him out. Now Speedy is out of sight and Polly, Guido and Francine are left to figure out what do on their own...and in that case we could be in a lot of trouble here!
Polly: Poor Speedy… We better follow them! He might need our help! He can't even run properly in those shoes…
Fran: (throwing her arms up into the air) Can you believe how insane this all is?! It just proves how gullible and stupid some people are in this town…
Polly: Come on Fran, don't you think your overrating a little bit?
Guido: (concentrating on the floor) Check this out you guys! That pigeon poo looks like it's in the shape of NEVADA! Quick! Give us a camera…!
(Fran gives Polly a look that suggests "see what I mean now?")
Polly: (unimpressed) FINE! Everyone's an idiot! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?!
N: Well I already knew that of course but in the mean time, back to our bad guys who are discussing the progress of their evil plan...
Jerry: Now…are you absolutely sure Badbird?
BB: Of course I'm sure! The leader of D.O.A.B.Z.A.I.S called me just then on his mobile phone and told me that Speedy was heading back towards the Pizza Parlor! I told him to follow Speedy, capture him and bring him back to the Palace so we can 'decapitate' him.
Jerry: And this is a reliable source?
BB: Who the leader or the phone company?
Jerry: THE LEADER!
BB: Well yeah, of course...!
Jerry: But isn't he the one the Narrator said looks like David Bowie?
BB: Yeah...
Jerry: So that means he wears make-up right?!
BB: Hey! Don't forget we happen to work for a cross-dresser…
Jerry: BADBIRD! (looking around the room fearfully) Don't say things like that about Saban! He could be watching! We'll get our feathers PLUCKED!!
BB: Jerry you PINHEAD! I meant Seymour, not Saban...!
Jerry: OH! Right! I knew that...(chuckles nervously)
BB: Speaking of Big Cheese, we better go find him and ask when he wants to get this alien decapitator thing ready. Princess Vi wants Speedy out of the way before her wedding.
N: On this thought, Badbird and Jerry Attric head towards the Big Cheese's room, which looks like something out of the set of "Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert"…as you can imagine.
Jerry: (poking his head through Big Cheese's door)...Ah, Cheesy? You decent?
BC: WHAT!? (annoyed at being disturbed) Oh, its you two. Why is it whenever I'm doing something incredibly vital like tanning or applying French nail paint, I get interrupted?!
Jerry: Wait a minute...(suddenly realises something important) You only put French nail paint on to go out!
BB: You better not be planning to go out now boss! We need you for when we get the alien decapitator ready!
BC: I can't be concerned about that kind of thing now Badbird. I'm in the middle of a very severe crisis…!
Jerry: You didn't spill nail varnish remover on the table did you?
BC: WORSE! Oh it's so awful Jerry! (looking traumatized) GABIE IS DEAD!
BB: (very confused, whispers to Jerry) Who is Gabie?
Jerry: Cheesy's houseplant...
BB: (looks at the Big Cheese with a stupid face) You named your HOUSEPLANT?!
BC: (sobbing) Gabie was a very important part of my life! Even though she only lasted two weeks. Now that she has passed on I must go out into the afternoon light and steal another plant from some ninny's back yard…
BB: But you can't just LEAVE!? We're in the middle of SOMETHING IMPORTANT!
BC: Right! The whole alien thingy. Well I don't see any problem with that development I mean we've been following the conspiracy manual with great care so far. We've made a weapon, posters, a protest group... So what's the big deal?
Jerry: The big deal is the manual says the leader must be present at all stages of the plan...!
BB: (whispering to Jerry) Does it really say that?
Jerry: (whispering back) How should I know?! I haven't seen the manual since Part One!
BC: (grabs his handbag and starts heading towards the door) I've already explained how I feel! I'm going out and that's that!
BB: YOU CAN'T DO THIS!
BC: (traumatized again) I CAN'T GO ON WITHOUT GABIE!! (slams the door behind him)
BB: (very angry) Is it just me or does he does he loose an inch off his brain every WEEK!?
Jerry: I'd say all his exploding is finally have a physical effect.
N: I agree! Blowing yourself up on a regular basis can't be good health wise… Big Cheese obviously needs to cut down on beans. Anyhow! back to Polly, Guido and Francine who are still trying to think up what to do next without Speedy...morons!
Fran: (anxious) So are we still going back to the Palace?!
Guido: We better not. I'm with Polly's idea, I think we should follow the protesters and see if we can give Speedy a hand...
Polly: (agreeing) He needs more then that!
Fran: Well...why don't you two go help Speedy and I'll go to the Palace...!
Polly: This doesn't have something to do with getting back at Princess Vi for stealing Bucky does it Francine? (looking at her suspiciously)
Fran: (suddenly nervous) NO! Where did you get that idea!?
Polly: Maybe it was that little 'I'M GOING TO VOMIT ON VI'S WEDDING DRESS! remark you made this morning...?
Fran: Look! If I take the information with me it might help!
Guido: What information? All we got was that stupid Istanbul photo.
Fran: Ahh...YEAH! Sure! I can use that! It's all apart of my plan...
Guido: (shocked) You have a plan?
N: Every dog has her day...
Fran: (proud) Yeah that's right I have a plan! The sidekick can have a plan if she wants...(looking devilish) Plus I think I'll get more screen time this way which means more money! (dollar signs appear in her eyes)
Guido: You know Fran, money isn't the most important thing in the world...
Fran: (highly amused) Oh yeah right, sure! Name one thing that's more important then money?!
Guido: Geez, I don't know...world peace?
Fran: Yeah like that's going to pay for my new easy-bake oven!
N: Does Francine want to go back to the Palace to help Speedy? Or is it to satisfy her dreams of being the next soap opera queen by killing off her mans bride-to-be? While all this nonsense is going on, Speedy has conducted a very skilled defensive movement: hiding out in the Pizza Parlor like a big wimp!
Speedy: (tired from running) Man, do these high-heel shoes give you a backache or what! No wonder women are always so cranky...
N: Speedy has fooled the group of protesters for now, but for how long?! Hopefully not too long so I can get home early for once…
Speedy: I have got to get my life back together! I have to prove to everyone that I'm a normal average all round nice feline…from earth!
N: This coming from a guy who's wearing blue eye shadow? (chuckles)
Speedy: WHO ASKED YOU?! (ripping off his wig) Besides, its not like I chose to dress like a women! Now I'm more of an alien then I was before...but I'll show them all! The only person that can help Speedy is SPEEDY! ...And my eye shadow is not blue it's aquamarine! SO THERE!
N: Since this information is not relevant to our story, we return to Polly and Guido. Francine has left for the Palace while these two have joined together in their search for Speedy. Ah, the joys of teamwork!
Polly: We have no idea where we're going! (getting frustrated at Guido) THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!
Guido: ME!? We would have been just fine if we didn't stop to find your missing bobby pin for fifteen minutes!
Polly: And I suppose trying to take pictures of bird poo is some kind of TRACKING DEVICE?!
Guido: That was a rare, artistic MOMENT POLLY!
Polly: IT WAS POO!
Guido: LOOK! (changing the subject)…Let's just stop all this fighting okay? We have to concentrate on what we're doing…
Polly: Fine…(calming down)…You're right. I'm concentrating.
Guido: By the way, do think Fran really did go back to the Palace for Speedy?
Polly: Probably not. All she's thought about since this whole royal wedding thing was mangling Princess Vi…
Guido: (suddenly distracted by something ahead of them...) Hey...what the hell is that?
Polly: (looking in his direction) Looks like a bush. (sarcastic) Fascinating…is this what you call concentrating?
Guido: I meant behind the bush!
Polly: You mean the tree?
Guido: Behind the tree...!
Polly: (really confused now) You mean the bus stop?
Guido: (getting angry again) NO! That shadow thing that's filling up half of the audiences TV screen! What's your problem?!
Polly: My problem is I'm stuck with a guy who has mash potato for brains searching the streets at night for a friend in woman's clothing and I'm only getting paid the bare minimum for IT!
Guido: You know Polly…the animators made a big mistake when they designed you with a
MOUTH! Should of put an extra tail there or something…(pulls her by the arm) Come on, I'll show you what I'm looking at real close so you don't miss it.
Polly: (scrunching up her face) I don't want to go behind a dark scary bush with you! You might get ideas...
(Guido ignores her remark and continues to pull her towards the enormous, round looking shadow…)
Polly: Are we there yet?
Guido: In a second…
Polly: Seconds up are we there YET?!
Guido: (annoyed) SHUT UP!
(The shadow becomes fully visible. Guido and Polly stare at what's before them in absolute shock...)
Polly: Oh my God...is that...is THAT…a?
Guido: (gulp!) Spaceship?
N: Well it's not the 8:00pm bus I'll tell you that!
Polly: (unable to turn away) Where did it come form?!
Guido: (wide-eyed) I'm guessing out of town...
Polly: Wait a minute...(turning to Guido)...this can't be real! This is all part of the set up towards Speedy! Big Cheese probably planted it here in hope that the protesters would see it! Or us for that matter…
Guido: (unsure) I don't know Polly, it looks pretty expensive. It's very high tech stuff. Big Cheese hasn't been able to afford this kind of thing since the Christmas sales!
Polly: Don't tell me you think this is a real spaceship?!
Guido: No I just-! I don't know…I mean, why not? This is a cartoon…
Polly: (hands on hips) Get it together Guido! The Big Cheese probably pinched it from the new Star Wars movie set or something! That's the kind of thing everyone does when you have budget problems...
Guido: (notices something on the side of the 'space ship') Look at that! Is that an open door?
Polly: Where..?
Guido: (pointing) Over there, I can see a light on inside...
Polly: Might be a TV. Maybe the aliens are watching the 'Price Is Right…'
Guido: You thinking what I'm thinking?
Polly: I don't think about dark open spaces.
Guido: (ignoring that comment) I say you and me go inside this thing and check it out! That is unless you don't think you're bladder can handle it…? (giving her a challenging look)
Polly: (insulted) Hey! I had the guts to be alone with you in the dark didn't I? This should be
easy...(leads the way into the spaceship)...and I'm sure they have a bathroom of some kind...
Guido: What if aliens don't know how to pee?
Polly: There are no ALIENS!
N: As Polly and Guido descend the spaceship, Speedy has taken that ridiculous but adorable woman's outfit off and is back in fighting mode as he blasts himself off to the Palace! Don't ask me how he managed to blast himself off it was just convenient, okay!?
Son: (pointing at Speedy flying up above) How do you think Speedy took off all by himself Ma?
N: Its official…nobody listens to ME!
Ma: Oh that's probably a stunt double Junior. In fact I think that's Jackie Chan!
Son: Good one Ma, like we could get Jackie Chan!
(Meanwhile, close by…)
Protester #1: HOLY CRAP! (pointing towards the sky) The alien dude has morphed back into a guy and now he's...he's…HE'S TOTALLY VERTICAL! We have to stop him! He could kill BIRDS!
Protester #3: (confused at Protester #1) Huh? 'Totally vertical?'
Protester #2: He means the alien is FLYING!! (pointing to the sky too)
(Suddenly, Speedy crashes face first into a building)
Speedy: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Protester #2: But not very well…
Speedy: (peeling himself off)....I wish Jackie Chan was my stunt double!
N: Look on the bright side Speedy! If it was Francine you might have landed in that cactus nursery again!
Speedy: (sitting on top of the building now…) Don't remind me!
Protester #2: (holding up a cross over his head as he goes towards Speedy…) Stop, oh evil ONE! Or look at my cross and be damned to the hell form whence you CAME!
Speedy: (looking down at the protester with confusion) What the…? You guys better not be a
Religious group…!
Protester #1: (nudging protester #2) Ah dude...don't you use a cross to stop vampires?
Protester #2: Okay now I'm confused!
Protester #3: (holding up a fish net) Let's capture the alien in this and take him back to Badbird!
Speedy: Yeah that's just about the last person I want to see right now! And if they think I'm going to the Palace in a fish net then they can think AGAIN! (thinking logically…for once) I have to get away from these wackos and get to the Palace on my own. Then I'll try and foil the Big Cheeses plans…it's the only way to prove I'm not a science fiction case!
N: Staying away from woman's make-up and clothing wouldn't hurt either…
Speedy: I already told I was made to do THAT! Go lecture Big Cheese about that stuff!
(Speedy starts to climb down the other side of the building…away from the Protesters)
Protester #3: The alien is getting away again! AFTER IT!
Protester #2: (holding the cross again) DIE evil one DIE!!!
Protester #1: (annoyed at Protester #2) I already told you dude that DOESN'T WORK ON ALIENS!
N: As the Protesters continue the chase, Speedy keeps to his plan and heads for the Palace. Meanwhile Guido and Polly have entered the spaceship and have started to snoop around...
Polly: (growing a little worried) Guido this all looks very...REAL!
Guido: (admiring some huge computer gadget) I told you so! And to think you couldn't even see it...
Polly: (nervous) I'm serious Guido! I don't like it in here…its creeping me out!
Guido: (trying to relax her) Polly calm down! You were probably right anyway. This is just a thing made up against Speedy...
Polly: Well it's a pretty big THING don't you think?!
(Guido and Polly enter some kind of control room and Polly finds something very disturbing on a near by bench...)
Polly: (pale with fear as she holds something in her shaky hand) Guido....look at this!
Guido: Hey what is that? (looks closer)
Polly: It's a WHAM CD Guido...just like the one in Speedy's house!
Guido: (shaking his head) That's nothing to be scared about. It just means that Speedy isn't
the only one with 80's music taste! (thinks for a moment)...Actually that is scary…
Polly: (pointing to the back of the cover) But LOOK! It's the autograph that was written for him! This is Speedy's CD! (starting to panic) What is it doing here Guido?! Could this spaceship really be real…?!
Guido: If it is Speedy's CD how did it get from his house to here so quickly?
Polly: Guido think about it! Speedy's house is just down the road! He probably came here when he was being chased away!
Guido: Well give me one logical reason as to why he brought the CD with him?!
Polly: Because he's a NUT!
Guido: Good answer…(panicking now too) Well…maybe the aliens took it?!
Polly: Why would aliens come all the way to earth to take a CD?! Face it Guido, Speedy's here to enslave the PLANET!
Guido: (trying remain calm) Okay! Okay… Lets just chill out and breeeeath... What would Mulder and Scully do?
Polly: Probably call the FBI but may I remind you we don't work for the FBI! We work for a PIZZA PLACE! What are we going to do?! Send a bunch of pepperoni pizzas down here to do a DNA TEST!!??
Guido: Don't get hysterical on me Polly! It won't solve anything. It's just a CD! It's not an invasion PLAN!
(As if out of no where, a screen display near by flickers on to reveal a world map with a heading entitled "Invasion Plan")
Guido: (refusing to be defeated) Okay I know this is looking bad! But Speedy can't be a real ALIEN!? Can he…?
Polly: (breathless) This can't be HAPPENING! I'm in love with an ALIEN?! Not to mention a WHAM FAN!!
Guido: (raising an eyebrow) What did you just say...?
Polly: I...ah…(suddenly embarrassed) I mean....I'm friends with an alien...who is also a Wham fan...hehe! (on that note, Polly grabs Guido's arm and charges out of the spaceship) We have to get back to the Palace and tell Fran. She's going to be really mad when she finds out she hired someone outside the suburb! It's against store policy...
Guido: (still on the previous topic) I could have sworn you didn't say you were 'friends' with
an alien...you said…!
Polly: (hits him on the head before he could finish) Earth to no brain?! If we lose concentration now the whole world could be doomed in a matter of minutes! And I have a lunch date with Luciel tomorrow that I really don't want to miss…
Guido: (very sarcastic) Well by all means! Let's save the world so you can have coffee and CAKE!
N: As Part Two comes to a conclusion we begin to ask ourselves is there a meaning to this tale? Or is the plot thinning out like Jerry's hairline? And will Speedy ever get his life back to the way it was? Or is he doomed to be known as the amazing "gender changing" alien for the remainder of his super-hero career? Will he be able to convince Polly and Guido that he's not an alien? Does Polly really love a Wham fan?! Will Princess Vi really be on ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT!? I hope not. Seeing her face on this show is bad enough...
Vi: (insulted) I HEARD THAT!
N: (running away) Gotta GO! I think I parked illegally...!
- TO BE CONTINUED! -