Well, I was studying for a final, and then broke off at 3:30 am to start writing this. Yes, I have strange sleeping habits. My circadian rhythms are on their own unique schedule. I'm still not totally in the Christmas spirit, which is especially odd, because my birthday is also next week. Can you believe it? Do you care? Twenty-one years old—the big, important, life-changing age. I don't feel any different. Birthday greetings (and money) can be sent to my e-mail address, thank you very much. Now, before I drift off into shameless groveling, I'll get on with the story…
Secret Santa"It used to be called a 'Secret Santa' gift exchange," McCoy was explaining.
"Secret Santa?" Kirk asked, eyebrow raised.
McCoy smiled. "Yes. Santa was…a deity of the holiday in the past. He's sort of faded in meaning through the years, while other concepts gradually took his place."
"Santa," Kirk said thoughtfully.
"The idea was, this jolly old bearded man in a red suit would bring people presents in the middle of the night. Oh, yes, and he lived with a bunch of elves," and he said this conspiratorially, "little men with pointed ears who made toys for children."
Kirk stared at McCoy. "Are you sure you're not making this up?"
McCoy broke out into a full-fledged grin. "That's the most amazing part of all—I'm not!"
"Elves…with pointed ears." Kirk couldn't help but smile himself. "Does Spock know about this?"
"If not, I'll be certain to enlighten him."
Kirk watched McCoy virtually brimming with enthusiasm. "You're really excited about this, aren't you?"
"It would be a perfect addition to the officers' Christmas party—"
"The officers?" Kirk interrupted, confused. "Wait, I thought this was just something you wanted between us, and Spock…"
McCoy waved a hand dismissively. "No! What's the fun in three people exchanging gifts secretly? How hard is it to guess, then? 'Well, let's see, it could be Spock…or Jim.'" McCoy counted the choices on his fingers.
Kirk adopted a diplomatic expression. "I see you've obviously thought this through very carefully."
"Of course! When don't I?"
Kirk kept his face very straight. "When, indeed."
McCoy ignored him. "Now, see, we get everyone we can involved in this. Scotty, Uhura, Sulu, Chekov…uh, who else?"
"Well, you could throw in Nurse Chapel if you want," Kirk suggested.
"Yes, that's right. Nurse Chapel." McCoy cast his eyes around. "I think I need to write this down. You got a pen?"
Kirk frowned. "How hard is it to remember a few names? It's the people you work with and see every day."
McCoy was still searching around him. Why he expected to find a pen on a table in the mess hall cannot be explained. "Oh, you should talk. You're the captain and you can't remember three-quarters of the crew's names half the time."
Kirk was offended. "And you're the Chief Medical Officer. You probably see most of them more than I do."
McCoy gave up on the pen. "Only the sick ones."
Kirk stopped a random crewmember walking by with a raised hand. "Excuse me, Crewman. Do you have a pen we could borrow?"
The young, wild-eyed crewman pulled himself to attention while simultaneously stuffing a hand into his pants pocket. McCoy barely held back a snort of laughter. "Uh, yes, sir. Here you are, sir." He held a pen out, hand shaking visibly.
McCoy reached out and casually plucked the pen from the crewman's fingers. "Thank you, Mr. Hurst. Carry on."
The crewman saluted awkwardly. "Uh, it's Hertz, Doctor, sir," he corrected, and spirited away before McCoy could respond.
Kirk was smirking at McCoy. "Hertz, Doctor, sir," he repeated. McCoy avoided his eyes. "Even I knew that one."
"He just didn't understand me, the way I said it," McCoy mumbled.
"Of course," Kirk allowed with a gesture.
McCoy looked down at the table again. He twirled the pen between his fingers. "Well," he drawled, "now all I need is some paper."
* * *
McCoy arrived on the bridge later carrying a felt hat. Nurse Chapel stepped out of the turbolift behind him.
For such a momentous occasion, Kirk had called Mr. Scott up to the bridge. Scott had initially protested, but gave in when Kirk turned it into an order.
"Come on, Scotty," Kirk had insisted, "it's all in the spirit of Christmas. And Dr. McCoy will be disappointed if you refuse."
"Well, all right," Scott relented. "I'll be right up."
That conversation, of course, had already occurred by the time McCoy got there. A few non-officer bridge crew personnel looked on curiously as McCoy walked to the center of the bridge. Obviously, they will not be involved in the gift exchange, however, and will not be mentioned again.
"All right, everyone," McCoy began. "What we have here is a secret gift exchange. We'll all draw a name out of a hat," he held up the hat, which contained several slips of paper, "and then you're responsible for getting that person a gift for the party. Agreed?"
"I know how it vorks," Chekov said from his post, slightly irritated. "This whole thing vas a Russian inwention."
No one bothered to respond to that.
Spock turned around in his chair at the science station, where he had been calculating measurements of star systems. "May I ask the purpose of this exchange?"
McCoy looked at him blankly. "The purpose, Spock?"
"Yes. The purpose. This gift exchange and the associated secrecy seems highly illogical to me."
McCoy narrowed his eyes defensively. "The exchange of gifts is a traditional activity that demonstrates our friendship and mutual feelings of goodwill toward each other."
"I am already quite aware of my relationship to everyone in this room," Spock said mildly, with almost an edge to the words, since he was talking to McCoy.
McCoy's temper flared. "And it's not illogical, anyway! Earth history is full of examples of people exchanging gifts to affirm social ties and group relations."
Kirk interrupted before the goodwill went out the window. "Spock, just give it a try, huh? Humor our…illogical tradition. It was the doctor's suggestion."
Spock raised an eyebrow. "I see. That explains a lot."
McCoy scowled at Spock, but refrained from comment. He mixed up the slips of paper with one hand and then held the hat out to the captain. "You have the honor, Jim."
Kirk smiled. "Thank you." He drew a name and looked at it without a word.
McCoy moved on to the helm. "Now, be sure not to show anyone your name. Don't want to ruin the surprise."
"The object of this, then, is to surmise the identity of the giver?" Spock asked.
"Exactly, Mr. Spock."
Sulu smiled as he read his name, then quickly pocketed the paper. McCoy moved on to Chekov.
"I don't know, Doctor. What if we don't know what to get our person?" Scott asked skeptically.
"You'll think of something. Try to find out what they might like. But—secretly."
"Oi chibaba! Look at this! I picked my own name," Chekov announced with dismay, holding up his piece of paper.
"Just put it back and choose another," McCoy said patiently.
Chekov did so, and McCoy moved on.
Spock watched with interest. "Using simple logic, I believe it would be relatively easy to determine who possesses which name," he remarked.
"I'm sure it would, Spock," McCoy replied conversationally. "Usually, humans don't bother with that sort of thing; kind of ruins the fun. But go ahead and do it if it'll make you enjoy this better."
"I believe I shall."
Eventually, McCoy worked his way around to Spock, with only two names left in the hat. Their eyes met as Spock drew one paper out. Without even glancing at it, Spock placed it in his pocket.
"That wasn't so hard, now, was it, Spock?" McCoy smiled.
"Indeed."
McCoy turned aside and pulled the last name out. He painstakingly unfolded it, and barely repressed a grin as he read the name. Then he calmly refolded it and tucked in the band of the hat, which he placed on his head at a rakish angle.
"Well, that's that. Think up some good presents, now, y'all. We'll reconvene at the Christmas party." With a flash of a smile, McCoy walked back to the turbolift, followed by Nurse Chapel and Mr. Scott.
Kirk turned his chair just enough so he could see the turbolift doors out of the corner of his eye. As the doors glided shut, Kirk demanded, "All right, who has Dr. McCoy?"
* * *
The Secret Santa exchange was the topic of discussion—despite the doctor's warning—later in Rec Room 5. A few departments had picked up on the bridge crew's activities and started their own exchanges. These exchanges, however, are not the subject of this story, as they would involve characters that I would have to make up myself. You can spin off of this if you'd like. What would redshirts give each other for Christmas?
"…So we're scheduled to stop by Starbase 15 next week before the party. I'll try to figure out something to get there," Sulu was saying.
"Oh, that's a good idea! I have no clue what to get for my person," Uhura said with a resigned smile. "If nothing else, this little exercise lets me know how poorly I actually know some of my shipmates."
"You're telling me!" Chekov exclaimed with gusto. "I spent the whole day thinking: vhat do I get? Vhat do I get? And I still don't know!"
Sulu grinned. "Well, who do you have? Maybe we can give each other some ideas."
Uhura snorted. "No fair, Hikaru! If you want to go spoiling the surprise, you're going to have to reveal your person first!"
Chekov was appalled. Answering simultaneously as Uhura, he said, "You know I can't tell you that! It vould be cheating. Do you know vhat happened in Russia when you cheated at Sekretniy Ded Moroz?"
"At what?" Sulu and Uhura asked in unison, with equally bewildered tones.
Chekov shrugged. "Secret Santa."
Sulu and Uhura exchanged glances.
"Well, it was worth a try," Sulu replied a minute later with a grin.
They sat there and stared at each other for a few seconds.
"Vhat can you get at a Starbase, anyway?" Chekov asked dubiously.
Sulu raised his eyebrows innocuously. "Tribbles?"
Uhura laughed. "Oh, no! If either one of you has me, don't give me a tribble!"
Sulu raised his hands defensively. "I think we all learned that lesson. No live animals, no matter how cute and fuzzy."
Chekov scowled. "That narrows down the choices a bit."
Uhura glanced at Chekov. "Why, what were you planning on giving?"
Chekov flashed his teeth. "Siberian tiger!"
The Rec Room doors swooshed open, and Lt. Commander Scott walked in. He noticed the table of fellow officers and headed over to them. "Afternoon, everyone. You're not revealin' any big secrets to each other, are ya?"
They looked up and smiled at him. "Mr. Scott. Pull up a chair," Uhura offered.
"I just stopped by for a minute. I've really got some things to take care of in Engineerin'," Scott said with a shrug.
"Then vhy did you come at all?" Chekov mumbled to the table.
"Do you have anyone good for Secret Santa?" Sulu asked.
Scott's eyes shifted around. "Well, I dunnae think I can tell ya that, can I?"
"None of us know what to get anyone," Uhura said.
"Well, ye could try getting' something they've never seen before. They might like that," Scott ventured.
"Depends on vhat it is. I've never seen a Denobulan lemur before, but I don't think I vant to, either," Chekov said.
"Or you could get something you like and hope they like it, too," Sulu said.
Scott bit his lip. "I don't think my interests are very compatible with…uh, my person's."
"But at least you could keep it if they didn't want it," Sulu finished.
Everyone looked at him. Sulu smiled back.
"Well, before we get all worried about this, just remember this is all in the spirit of friendship. It really doesn't matter what we get each other as long as we're friends," Uhura said comfortingly.
Chekov shook his head. "Sure. That's vhat you say! You probably have your best friend!"
Sulu glared at him. "Well, it's not like you have to get the captain a gift!"
All eyes snapped over to Sulu. "You have the captain?" Scott asked.
Sulu was stunned, trying to cover by looking innocent. "Did I say that? I meant it as a hypothetical."
Uhura burst into laughter. "Ha! You revealed your Secret Santa to us!"
Chekov smirked. "You got stuck vith the captain!"
"Now I feel a lot better!" Uhura cried.
Sulu leaned forward and shushed them. "All right, don't tell anyone else. We can still keep it a surprise, right?"
Uhura mimed zipping her mouth closed. "Your secret is safe with me."
"Don't tell Mr. Spock. He'd wouldn't want to know," Scott said.
"He probably figured it out already," Sulu replied.
"Whose brilliant idea vas this, anyway?" Chekov asked.
"Dr. McCoy's."
"Ve should all combine and give him antimatter," Chekov said darkly, but with a twinkle in his eye.
Scott sprang to attention. "Ach! That reminds me—the warp core needs purgin'!" He hurried out.
The three remaining at the table watched him as he left.
"That man really needs some excitement in his life," Uhura commented.
"There's always the tribbles," Sulu said innocently.
* * *
The day of the Christmas party arrived with little incident—well, as long as you don't count that minor altercation involving Klingons and rice pudding at Starbase 15 in the intervening period, but that's irrelevant to the story. Everyone managed to obtain their gifts, and that's all that matters, even if Sulu and Nurse Chapel did worry for a short period of time whether they'd actually need to get the gifts after all.
Most of the notable members of the Enterprise were already milling about in Rec Room 2 as we return to the story, drinking punch and trying to think up something interesting to say to the people they'd just spent six straight hours on shift with. A pleasant-looking coniferous tree stood in the center of the room, decorated with lights and tinsel and small breakable glass bulbs of various colors. Chekov, to his unfortunate dismay, had already discovered that the bulbs were breakable.
Under the tree, among the tiny shards of glass, were nestled wrapped gifts, varying in size and shape. Most, however, were large and rectangular. Rectangular solids, to be specific, as they were three-dimensional. These gifts, of course, were the subject of everyone's attention, as they constantly glanced over curiously, especially when conversation stagnated.
"Where's Scotty?" Kirk asked, taking a swig of eggnog.
McCoy glanced up from his own mug. Somehow, he had gotten hold of a red stocking cap with fluffy white trim, and a little white, poofy ball on top. "Oh, Scotty? He's probably playing around with the warp engines or something. Lost track of the time. I saw him earlier. He'll be here."
Spock glanced at him inquiringly. He did not have a mug of eggnog, because he, like all intelligent humanoids, did not drink the repulsive liquid. "When did you speak to Mr. Scott? I have never known you to go to Engineering on random occasions."
McCoy turned his attention back to his beverage. "There was an injury down there. Required my immediate attention. Someone burned himself on the…uh, transponder controls."
Spock raised an eyebrow, but said nothing.
Suddenly, the intraship communications system blared into life, transmitting the sound of jingling bells. Then the doors slid dramatically open.
And Santa Claus entered.
"Hoo, hoo, hoo!" he shouted enthusiastically.
While everyone stood gaping at the man in the red suit (where in the world had that come from?), McCoy rolled his eyes and stepped forward.
"No, Scotty, you've got it all wrong! We went over this a thousand times! It's 'ho, ho, ho,' not 'hoo, hoo, hoo!'" he exclaimed.
Everyone laughed (except McCoy, and Spock, of course). Finally, McCoy relented and joined in.
"I'da been here sooner, if not for the blasted suit! The doctor thought it'd be a good idea—bring in the holiday spirit…"
"Yes, now why didn't the doctor dress up in the suit, if it was his idea?" Kirk asked pointedly. All eyes turned on McCoy, who shrugged nonchalantly.
"I don't look good in red," he explained innocently.
After a pause, Nurse Chapel conceded, "He's probably got a point."
Kirk studied Scott. "Where'd you get it, anyway, Scotty?"
"You'd be amazed what you can do with a replicator and some free time," McCoy said by way of explanation. Then he leaned over and nudged Kirk with an elbow. "You know who I'd pay to see in that suit…Spock!"
Kirk burst out into laughter. "Yes, I would say—that's a sight to see!"
McCoy patted the cap on his head. "One o' these would look wonderful with those ears of yours!"
Spock was
not amused. "Are you inebriated,
Doctor?"
McCoy raised his mug in a mock
toast. "Just give me a few more of
these!"
"Is that the sole purpose of this gathering—to become intoxicated in the company of your colleagues?" Spock asked unhappily.
"Well, yes, that about covers it. It's better than drinking alone," McCoy grinned.
Kirk smiled at the two gearing up for another argument. When the ship wasn't facing imminent destruction, watching Spock and McCoy go at it could be quite entertaining. "You forgot one thing, Bones…The gifts!"
That was met with a smattering of applause and cheers, as the crew looked up from their conversations.
"Presents!" Chekov cried out happily.
McCoy grinned. "Well, who am I to spoil a good time? Let's open 'em up!"
Scott stepped forward as everyone drifted toward the tree. "I believe I have the honor of distributing the gifts."
"Why don't we open them around this table over here, so we can all see what we've gotten each other…" McCoy suggested. Everyone agreed.
The presents were distributed, with comments on gift-wrapping talents, speculation on the contents, and other general conversation which isn't quite interesting enough to include here. When everyone had a gift in front of them, Kirk gave the word, and the more enthusiastic ripped into theirs.
"Ooh, a box! Just vhat I alvays vanted!" Chekov proclaimed as he furiously tore the paper away from his present. "I think I'm going to start a collection."
Sulu rolled his eyes. "Try opening the box."
"Vhat? Oh, I see." He opened the box, and gently pulled out a replica carving of St. Basil's Cathedral in Moscow. "Vhy…it's beautiful. Vhere did you get this?" He looked around at the crew's faces, most of whom where admiring the piece of sculpture. It glittered with a light of its own.
"Wait! You have to guess," McCoy called.
Chekov surveyed the people surrounding him. "I don't know…Who could know me so vell to get something like this for me?" He looked at Sulu, who shrugged.
Finally,
Nurse Chapel started laughing. "I give
up! It was me!"
Chekov looked at her
admiringly. "Thank you. Very much."
She shrugged. "Turns out there's a Russian artist in Starfleet posted at Starbase 15. He wouldn't give it up until I told him it was for a fellow Russian."
Everyone continued opening presents. Scott received a bottle of vintage Scotch whiskey from Kirk. "It's like ye read my mind, Cap'n!" he said delightedly, cradling the bottle.
In turn, Uhura opened a large, furry teddy bear. "Oh! It's lovely!"
"Press its nose," Scott recommended.
She did, and the bear said something in a foreign language. Uhura chuckled. "That's so sweet!"
Scott smiled. "It speaks 400 different languages—I programmed the computer myself. Got it from the library banks." He paused. "I really didn't know what to get ya…"
"It's perfect."
Sulu opened a gift from Chekov (which I won't detail, because I can't think of anything). "Hey, what was all that about not knowing what to get?" he demanded.
Chekov shrugged. "I had to keep it secret somehow."
Meanwhile, Nurse Chapel had slowly unwrapped a very neat, compact, methodically wrapped package. She knew almost from the second she saw it who it came from. She gasped as she carefully revealed a folded, embroidered cloth. "Oh, Spock! It's gorgeous!"
Spock looked uncomfortable.
Nurse Chapel delicately lifted up the tapestry for everyone to admire. "It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!"
"It is from Vulcan. I originally received it from a family acquaintance to commemorate my graduation from Starfleet Academy," Spock explained.
Nurse Chapel was abashed. "I can't accept this! It's very important to you!"
Spock was confused. "I do not understand. I thought the purpose of this exchange was to solidify relationship ties between us. In my research on gift-giving, humans often gave objects that had previously served as gifts."
Nurse Chapel was still hesitant. "Still, I don't…Are you sure you can give this up?"
Spock blinked. "I have no particular sentimental attachment to the piece. It is aesthetically pleasing, yes, but—"
Nurse Chapel laughed. "I'll hang it up in my quarters!"
McCoy and Kirk were standing just outside the proceedings, both smiling as they observed the activity. McCoy's smile only widened every time someone appreciated the gift they received. "Now, wasn't this a great idea?" he murmured modestly.
Kirk didn't bother to staunch McCoy's ego. "Yes, it was." Everyone was having a wonderful time.
"Uh, Spock, aren't you going to open your present?" McCoy asked casually.
Spock gave him a look. A few others encouraged him, so he picked up the cylindrical package and slowly unwrapped it, McCoy watching gleefully.
Spock exposed a tube with a cover at one end. He hesitated.
"Well, go ahead," McCoy prompted.
Spock pulled off the lid. A loud noise, confetti, and streamers accompanied the long, snake-like object that burst out of the cylinder. Several of the closest people gasped in fright, and Spock flinched with startled surprise.
McCoy buckled over in hysteria at the look on Spock's face.
Someone picked up the snake and showed off a little head with pointed ears attached to one end of it. They laughed at Spock's expense. Spock took it all in calmly.
Finally, McCoy gasped, "Gotcha!"
Kirk stopped laughing long enough to ask, "That's your gift? A snake that pops out of a tube?"
"A Vulcan snake!" Tears were streaming down McCoy's face. "No, no," he said finally, still wheezing. "I've got a real gift for you, Spock. But I just had to see the look on his face! It was irresistible!" McCoy walked over to a corner, where a decorative palm tree looked remarkably out of place, and pulled from behind it a concealed package. He handed it to Spock, who considered it suspiciously.
Spock placed the package on the table. "Perhaps I should open it later."
The excitement over, most of the others drifted off into other parts of the room. Kirk, McCoy, and Spock were left alone at the table.
"Come on, Spock. Just open it. It's perfectly safe, I promise you," McCoy insisted.
Spock shook his head slightly.
McCoy looked frustrated. "Jim, tell him it's okay."
Kirk glanced at McCoy. "I think you'd better open it, Spock. It's rare for Bones to look so earnest."
After a long pause in which Spock studied McCoy carefully, he nodded once and started to open the package.
Now that McCoy knew Spock would open the present, he stepped back awkwardly to observe.
Kirk leaned over Spock's shoulder to see the gift. Impatiently, he tried to urge Spock into opening it more quickly, but Spock took his (sweet) time.
It was a book.
An old book.
Spock held it gently. A barely-concealed look of astonishment crossed his face.
Kirk was confused. "What is it?"
"It's a book," McCoy shrugged, slightly embarrassed.
"This is not just a book," Spock said softly. "This is a copy of Surak's teachings, hand-written in Ancient Vulcan script."
Kirk quirked a smile. "Surak. Isn't this…hundreds of years old, then?"
"Possibly thousands," Spock murmured. He turned to McCoy, who was gazing over at the palm tree with fascination, apparently uninterested in the gift and Spock's reaction. "Where did you get this?" Spock asked, a hint of admiration creeping into his voice.
McCoy glanced over, surprised. "What? Oh, uh…I just came across it and figured you might like that sort of thing." He flashed a smile. "It's…logical and all that."
" 'Came across it?' One does not simply come across such a book."
McCoy carefully avoided answering.
Spock stared at McCoy for a moment. Kirk glanced back and forth between the two, but nobody said anything for several long seconds.
"Thank you, Doctor," Spock finally said quietly.
Another long pause. At last, McCoy rubbed his hands together briskly. "How 'bout some more eggnog?" He walked away quickly. Kirk followed him, leaving Spock to silently admire the book.
McCoy was concentrating on filling a mug as Kirk joined him.
"I think you set this up, Bones. The whole thing."
McCoy
glanced over, innocent blue eyes wide. "Me?"
"You even set up who gave whom
a present," Kirk accused.
McCoy scowled. "Now, how would I do that?"
Kirk tried a different tack. "Just where did you get that book, anyway?"
McCoy was evasive. "Well, I have some connections. On Vulcan."
"I'll say. I won't ask for details," Kirk replied, convinced that he wouldn't talk, anyway. "He's obviously very touched. Who'd have thought?"
"Yeah." McCoy put the mug to his lips and drank.
They stood together and watched their fellow crew members laughing and enjoying themselves. And Spock, standing alone, staring down at the book on the table.
"Hey," Kirk said, interrupting their reverie, "why don't we go keep Spock company? Get into the party a little."
McCoy nodded. "Right. Tonight…we celebrate the holiday spirit."
This was waay too much fun to write. It also features my attempt at writing characters who've shown up only in passing in other stories. This whole story was really driven by one little scene which, if you know me well enough, you might be able to guess. On one hand, I feel like it's a rip-off of Tavia's Thanksgiving story, but I'll let you be the judge of that…