BEGIN PART THREE
(Pheonix and Miyaji are approaching the summit of Mount Malfaisant.
Suddenly, Miyaji spies a treasure chest)
Miyaji: Ooh, Pheonix! Treasure!
(Pheonix regards the chest for a moment.)
Pheonix: That chest looks like it's been there for years. It must be locked.
Miyaji: nope. (Opens it)
Game: Received "Blunt Stick!"
Pheonix: This is a well-established route. Why has no one else opened it?
Miyaji: You're silly, Pheonix!
Pheonix: Never mind. (Sighs)
(They enter the convenience store)
Clerk: Welcome!
Pheonix: Kinda lousy location for a store, if you ask me.
Clerk: Eh?
Pheonix: We're here for milk.
Clerk: (Points to rusted can) The cow's out back.
Pheonix: That can't be sanitary.
Clerk: He's a coin. Buy a purifier for someone who gives a damn.
(Pheonix and Mayaji go to the back yard. The cow moos contentedly.)
Pheonix: There's still something essentially wrong here.
(Suddenly, the sky goes black. Lightning flashes, and pretentious organ music fills the air. With a flash of green light, a young woman, clad in fanboy-pleasing black leather and carrying a whip, appears)
Mayaji: EEEK!
Pheonix: Who are you?!
Woman: I.am the Dread Spinter Lesus!
(Dramatic flash of lightning)
Pheonix: How can you be a spinster? You're like, sixteen.
Lesus: Well.um.I.you see.SILENCE, FOOL! I am here to destroy all that you hold dear!
Pheonix: Why?
Lesus: What do you mean, why? I am Dread Spinter Lesus-
(Dramatic flash of lightning)
Lesus: -- and I'm just EVIL that way! MWAHAHAHA!
Pheonix: But.I mean.
Lesus: Silence! I have been ordered by my dark master to kill you all! However, you are hardly a match for me. I shall use my dark powers to create a stupidly under-powered minion of darkness to kill you, and assume everything went to plan!
(.silence)
Lesus: To KILL YOU! (Draws self up in anticipation)
(Nothing happens)
Lesus: Oh, screw it. DREAD SPINSTER LESUS!
(Boom crash)
Lesus: And now, prepare to leap off the mortal coil! (Cow begins to glow with an evil light) Bovinikus! I summon thee!
(The cow, mooing frantacally, rears on it's hind legs, sprouts wings, a few exteranneous heads, and enourmous claws)
Lesus: Now.to Idillysburg! (dissapears)
Mayaji: Pheonix! Look out!
(Bovinikus lumbers slowly torwards them, at roughly three miles per hour)
Pheonix: Why don't we just run?
Mayaji: Don't be silly. We have to kill it.
Pheonix: Why? I mean, look at the poor thing. It can't possibly eat. Why don't we just leave it to starve?
Mayaji: Just.just.just.that's just the way it works, okay!
Pheonix: But-
(Screen blurs)
Game: BOVINIKUS DOOMCOW attacks the party!
Pheonix: Damnit!
Game: BOVINIKUS DOOMCOW used ACID SPRAY!
Pheonix: That doesn't sound very pleasant---
(A spray of acidic milk showers on them both)
Mayaji: EEEK! (Dies)
Pheonix: Great job, Mayaji! (Attacks Bovinikus. Sword bounces off the cow's hide, and smacks Pheonix in the face, knocking him unconcious)
(Screen goes dark)
Grandpa: PHHHHEEEEOOOONNNIX!
(A huge ball of flame crashes down on Bovinikus from the sky. The Doomcow roars with impotent rage, then takes flight)
Grandpa: Pheonix! Are you alright!
Pheonix: Waah.mommy..?
Grandpa: Thank god I came in time!
Pheonix: I knew it! YOU ARE A WIZARD!
Grandpa: Yes. Pheonix.there's something you need to know. Your father.your father is Brunsweigger, the Legendary Hero!
Pheonix: Who?
Grandpa: Jesus, kid. Don't you ever read? Brunsweigger, hero who defeated the ultimate evil twenty years ago!
Pheonix: Oh.I kinda remember him. So?
Grandpa: So? So!?! So it means you're destined to fight evil!
Pheonix: Actually, I was thinking of becoming a sheep herder.
Grandpa: Shut your mouth, foolish boy! Now come back to the village and I will teach you all sorts of potentially useful spells!
Pheonix: Umm.grandpa.you do know the village is being destroyed right now, right?
Grandpa: Umm.oh dear. Come pheonix!
(Pheonix and Grandpa depart)
Mayaji: Umm.Pheonix.?
END PART 3
Miyaji: Ooh, Pheonix! Treasure!
(Pheonix regards the chest for a moment.)
Pheonix: That chest looks like it's been there for years. It must be locked.
Miyaji: nope. (Opens it)
Game: Received "Blunt Stick!"
Pheonix: This is a well-established route. Why has no one else opened it?
Miyaji: You're silly, Pheonix!
Pheonix: Never mind. (Sighs)
(They enter the convenience store)
Clerk: Welcome!
Pheonix: Kinda lousy location for a store, if you ask me.
Clerk: Eh?
Pheonix: We're here for milk.
Clerk: (Points to rusted can) The cow's out back.
Pheonix: That can't be sanitary.
Clerk: He's a coin. Buy a purifier for someone who gives a damn.
(Pheonix and Mayaji go to the back yard. The cow moos contentedly.)
Pheonix: There's still something essentially wrong here.
(Suddenly, the sky goes black. Lightning flashes, and pretentious organ music fills the air. With a flash of green light, a young woman, clad in fanboy-pleasing black leather and carrying a whip, appears)
Mayaji: EEEK!
Pheonix: Who are you?!
Woman: I.am the Dread Spinter Lesus!
(Dramatic flash of lightning)
Pheonix: How can you be a spinster? You're like, sixteen.
Lesus: Well.um.I.you see.SILENCE, FOOL! I am here to destroy all that you hold dear!
Pheonix: Why?
Lesus: What do you mean, why? I am Dread Spinter Lesus-
(Dramatic flash of lightning)
Lesus: -- and I'm just EVIL that way! MWAHAHAHA!
Pheonix: But.I mean.
Lesus: Silence! I have been ordered by my dark master to kill you all! However, you are hardly a match for me. I shall use my dark powers to create a stupidly under-powered minion of darkness to kill you, and assume everything went to plan!
(.silence)
Lesus: To KILL YOU! (Draws self up in anticipation)
(Nothing happens)
Lesus: Oh, screw it. DREAD SPINSTER LESUS!
(Boom crash)
Lesus: And now, prepare to leap off the mortal coil! (Cow begins to glow with an evil light) Bovinikus! I summon thee!
(The cow, mooing frantacally, rears on it's hind legs, sprouts wings, a few exteranneous heads, and enourmous claws)
Lesus: Now.to Idillysburg! (dissapears)
Mayaji: Pheonix! Look out!
(Bovinikus lumbers slowly torwards them, at roughly three miles per hour)
Pheonix: Why don't we just run?
Mayaji: Don't be silly. We have to kill it.
Pheonix: Why? I mean, look at the poor thing. It can't possibly eat. Why don't we just leave it to starve?
Mayaji: Just.just.just.that's just the way it works, okay!
Pheonix: But-
(Screen blurs)
Game: BOVINIKUS DOOMCOW attacks the party!
Pheonix: Damnit!
Game: BOVINIKUS DOOMCOW used ACID SPRAY!
Pheonix: That doesn't sound very pleasant---
(A spray of acidic milk showers on them both)
Mayaji: EEEK! (Dies)
Pheonix: Great job, Mayaji! (Attacks Bovinikus. Sword bounces off the cow's hide, and smacks Pheonix in the face, knocking him unconcious)
(Screen goes dark)
Grandpa: PHHHHEEEEOOOONNNIX!
(A huge ball of flame crashes down on Bovinikus from the sky. The Doomcow roars with impotent rage, then takes flight)
Grandpa: Pheonix! Are you alright!
Pheonix: Waah.mommy..?
Grandpa: Thank god I came in time!
Pheonix: I knew it! YOU ARE A WIZARD!
Grandpa: Yes. Pheonix.there's something you need to know. Your father.your father is Brunsweigger, the Legendary Hero!
Pheonix: Who?
Grandpa: Jesus, kid. Don't you ever read? Brunsweigger, hero who defeated the ultimate evil twenty years ago!
Pheonix: Oh.I kinda remember him. So?
Grandpa: So? So!?! So it means you're destined to fight evil!
Pheonix: Actually, I was thinking of becoming a sheep herder.
Grandpa: Shut your mouth, foolish boy! Now come back to the village and I will teach you all sorts of potentially useful spells!
Pheonix: Umm.grandpa.you do know the village is being destroyed right now, right?
Grandpa: Umm.oh dear. Come pheonix!
(Pheonix and Grandpa depart)
Mayaji: Umm.Pheonix.?
END PART 3