Chapter 12
"We survived it!" Monica said and laughed.
"Yes, we did," Chandler agreed. "I thought meeting your parents went well, didn't you?"
"Very well. I could tell they like you. That makes me even happier, if that's possible."
Chandler reached for Monica's hand and pulled her into his arms. They had driven to a vista point near one of the more popular beaches in Long Island. The day was brisk but not freezing. The sun, providing what little warmth it could, allowed them to linger in a private spot. Chandler brushed the hair away from Monica's face.
"I don't think you've stopped smiling since you ran to greet me at the car."
"Being with you makes me happy," she said simply and honestly.
"I feel the same way. When I'm with you, I can forget about a lot of bad things."
"Like your former girlfriend?" Monica ventured, unsure it was the right time to bring her up and unsure she really wanted to hear his answer. But she knew they had to talk about her and maybe others at some point.
"Just things in my past," Chandler answered, "which I guess includes her."
"So, do you want to talk about her?"
"Not really. I just want to enjoy this beautiful view with you."
They separated and leaned forward against the wood barrier. With the wind at their backs, they looked out as the sun glistened on the blue-green water. They listened to the waves lapping against the giant rocks.
"When you look out there, at that water so powerful and yet so calming and refreshing, what do you think of?" Chandler asked Monica.
"I think of how insignificant I am," she answered without hesitation. "I don't mean that in a bad way, but I just think how easily one could be swept up into that water and disappear. Forever. What about you? What do you think about?"
"Sorta the same thing, I guess. But I also think about what a great purpose water serves, and then I think about my life. Not that I need my life to be so extraordinary, but I would like to think I could do something that would make a difference. To somebody."
"You've made a tremendous difference in my life," Monica said. "Does that count?"
Chandler looked at her and smiled. "You need to take credit for the changes you're making. Only you could've made those decisions."
"But what if I feel the quality of my life has improved since I met you? Doesn't that mean anything?"
"I hope it does because I feel the same way."
Monica searched his face and saw that he was wrestling with something.
"What is it that you want, Chandler? Really?"
He sighed and reached to clasp Monica's hand in his. "I wish I knew. That's the problem. I haven't told anybody, so please don't say anything, but I'm thinking about leaving NYU."
"Why?"
"Because I'm wasting my time. I know it sounds crazy. I don't know what I want, so how can I expect NYU or anything else to satisfy me? Yet, I know if I found what it is I want to do, I would be happy. Makes no sense, right?"
"No," Monica said slowly, "I kinda see what you're saying. You need to clear your mind and let yourself just be. I believe you think too much."
Chandler laughed. "You sound like Phoebe."
"Phoebe?" Monica questioned. "Who's Phoebe? Is she the one..."
"Oh, no. No, she isn't. She's a friend. That's all. We went out a couple of times but decided to leave it as a friendship. It just works better that way. She has some different, if not far out, ideas about things. She's always encouraging me to clear my mind. How one does that, I have no idea."
"Since I've been losing weight, I started reading a book here and there. Nothing crazy, but just some common sense things about how we function as humans. A lot of it makes sense if I let myself think about it. We all have baggage, right, but some have way more than others. I realize I need to let some, if not all, of it go. I'm far from doing it, but I realize more and more that I am only hurting myself by continuing to hang on to things that have happened in the past. I read a passage where the author wrote that the person you're resenting may not even know he or she has hurt you. That person is living a pretty decent life while we're all tied up in knots over what? I'm probably not remembering it correctly, but that's the gist of it. And it makes sense, even though I can't imagine just letting everything go. But really, what good does it do to hang on to it?"
"It can serve as a reminder," Chandler pointed out.
"And maybe those reminders are too painful," Monica said, her voice softening. "I think you have some of those, Chandler."
"I thought I was immune to a lot of things," he admitted. "But meeting you and being with you has made me see some things very differently."
Monica leaned her head on Chandler's shoulder. "Good or bad?"
"Definitely good, but I have to be honest, Monica. Some of the things scare me. That's when I get angry with myself that I am letting my past control me."
"Being with me scares you?"
"On a certain level, yes, because I know how badly I've messed up before. And I know just how capable I am of messing up again. A part of me is saying I'm crazy for wanting to be with you, but another part of me, the more rational part, is telling me what a fool I would be if I weren't with you. I'm at war with myself all the time, and I hate it."
"I know what that's like," Monica said, running her hand along the fabric of his shirt. "I know there's always been a thin person inside of me screaming to get out, and when she would make her presence known, it would scare me like nothing else could. So, I stuffed her down with food and more food until I couldn't hear her anymore. I think you're trying to do the same thing, Chandler. But I don't think it's working."
"Have you ever been truly at peace?" he asked. "That's what I also think about when I look out at that water. The water can seem so peaceful."
"I've had moments where I've been okay with who I am and where I'm going, but I've had so much said to me that's been negative, how could I say I'm at peace? So, no, I don't think I've ever truly been at peace. The closest I've come is since I met you. I mean that, Chandler."
Chandler leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "Do you know how good you are for my ego?"
Monica looked up at him and smiled. "I'd like to think I'm very good for you. Period."
"You are. You most definitely are."
"Even though I have so much to learn about this relationship business?"
"I am so lousy at relationships, that I know you'll be teaching me. And I'll be happy and grateful to learn from you."
"You're the one teaching me," Monica assured him. "And if I'm this happy, how bad at it can you be?"
"How about so bad that my last girlfriend moved across the country to get away from me?"
"No way!"
Monica was sincerely shocked.
"It's true. Let's see, I think her exact words were she definitely couldn't live in the same state as me, and maybe she would even have to leave the country, but she would give the West Coast a chance before she bailed on the United States and moved to Europe."
"You have to be exaggerating," Monica insisted.
"I wish I were, but I'm not."
"What could you have possibly done?"
"I scared her. I went overboard, as I've been known to do. We hadn't been going out that long. I don't know why, but I felt as though I were losing her. And I panicked. Why, I don't know. I think I just saw it as another failure to add my list. So, instead of doing the rational thing and talking to her, I went out and bought her an engagement ring. I wanted to tie her to me because I was afraid she was already gone. Well, now she is. And it's not that I regret not being with her, but I regret that I couldn't figure out how to just let her go. Why would I want to bind someone to me who didn't want to be with me in the first place? And the really sad part is if she had said yes, I probably would've left the country rather than marry her."
Chandler shook his head. "How pathetic does this make me sound? But it's the truth, and I know I have to face it. I don't know how to just let someone or something be, and then I find excuses not to be with her. It's a cycle that drives me crazy, and yet, I don't know how to stop it. But I do know I don't want to be that way with you."
"So don't be. Remember what we said, Chandler. Friends first and always. I want you in my life."
"I want you in mine, too."
"Then the rest we just take one step at a time. Agreed?"
"Agreed. I think our pact needs to be sealed with a kiss. What do you say?"
"I say you are getting smarter and cuter by the second."
Monica laughed as Chandler pulled her into his arms and covered her mouth with his.
*~*
That night, they had the house to themselves. Monica's parents had gone to a party, and Ross was catching up with some high school buddies he hadn't seen since graduation. A roaring fire filled the living room with warmth as Chandler and Monica sat on the sofa.
"We could listen to some music."
"Sure."
"Christmas or regular?"
"Regular. I'm not quite ready for Christmas yet."
"Well, you better get in the spirit," Monica teased, "because we're decorating our tree tomorrow, and you have to help. You have no choice!"
"Do you know how long it's been since I've decorated a Christmas tree? I know you don't have the best relationship with your parents, Monica, but at least you guys do things as a family. I missed that growing up. It might be fun to decorate your tree, although you'll probably rearrange every ornament I hang."
"Hey!" she said, playfully punching his arm. "No fair!"
"Monica, let's face it, sweetheart. You have not liked one thing I've done. But I understand. It's part of your nature, just like what we talked about earlier is part of mine. By the way, did I tell you that you are the best listener I've ever had? If I'm not careful, I'll end up spilling all my secrets to you."
Monica grew serious. "Would it be so bad if you did?"
Chandler gazed into her eyes. "Maybe not. But I mean it when I say I don't want to do anything to scare you."
"You're not scaring me, Chandler, you're letting me into your life. I want that. Very much."
Chandler nodded but didn't say anything. Monica rose from the sofa and played an easy listening CD. She turned around. Chandler was standing behind her.
"Dance with me?" he asked.
"I'm not very good."
"Neither am I, but does it really matter?"
Monica smiled. "You're right. It doesn't matter at all."
They waltzed and swayed to the music. They could've been the two worst dancers, but neither one cared. They were in each other's arms, and they felt happy, safe, and yes, in a most wonderful way, loved.
*~*
I could lose my heart tonight
If you don't turn and walk away
'Cause the way I feel I might
Lose control and let you stay
'Cause I could take you in my arms
And never let go
*~*
As she continued to be held in Chandler's arms, Monica couldn't help but let her mind wander to how it would be if she were to give herself to him. She imagined it a lot lately but always after she'd lost more weight. She held to the firm belief that her first time would be special and would be with the man
she loved and planned to marry. She didn't dare let herself think she could be falling in love with Chandler, and yet he was all she thought about. How does one know for sure one's in love, she mused.
*~*
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
*~*
Chandler held Monica close and wondered how he had fallen so fast. He hadn't even wanted to, but she made it so damn easy. She gave of herself without expectation. She listened to him, she cared about him, she encouraged him in the middle of her own trials. But he could not risk doing anything that would ruin what he had with her. That thought screamed loudly and incessantly in his mind.
*~*
I could only wonder how
Touching you would make me feel
But if I take that chance right now
Tomorrow will you want me still?
So I should keep this to myself
And never let you know
*~*
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
*~*
Chandler released her when the song ended and stared at her flushed face. Monica smiled and ran a gentle hand through his hair.
"I feel protected in your arms, Chandler," she assured him. "I'm not scared at all."
He rested his forehead against hers.
"Right now, I'm not scared either, but I am on my guard."
"Don't be. Let your guard down. You're good to me, Chandler. You've treated me better than I ever knew I could or should be."
"I feel the same way. How many times have I said that? And yet, it's true."
"We're good for each other. Let's focus on that. Please. At least for tonight. Come on. Dance with me. I miss being in your arms. We're going to be all right. In fact, we're going to be better than all right. We're going to be the best!"
Why Chandler couldn't grab hold of that thought he didn't know. But he couldn't.
*~*
And I know it's not right
And I guess I should try to do what I should do
But I could fall in love
Fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
*~*
So I should keep this to myself
And never let you know
*~*
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love
I could fall in love
With you...
Song credit: "I Could Fall In Love" - Selena
"We survived it!" Monica said and laughed.
"Yes, we did," Chandler agreed. "I thought meeting your parents went well, didn't you?"
"Very well. I could tell they like you. That makes me even happier, if that's possible."
Chandler reached for Monica's hand and pulled her into his arms. They had driven to a vista point near one of the more popular beaches in Long Island. The day was brisk but not freezing. The sun, providing what little warmth it could, allowed them to linger in a private spot. Chandler brushed the hair away from Monica's face.
"I don't think you've stopped smiling since you ran to greet me at the car."
"Being with you makes me happy," she said simply and honestly.
"I feel the same way. When I'm with you, I can forget about a lot of bad things."
"Like your former girlfriend?" Monica ventured, unsure it was the right time to bring her up and unsure she really wanted to hear his answer. But she knew they had to talk about her and maybe others at some point.
"Just things in my past," Chandler answered, "which I guess includes her."
"So, do you want to talk about her?"
"Not really. I just want to enjoy this beautiful view with you."
They separated and leaned forward against the wood barrier. With the wind at their backs, they looked out as the sun glistened on the blue-green water. They listened to the waves lapping against the giant rocks.
"When you look out there, at that water so powerful and yet so calming and refreshing, what do you think of?" Chandler asked Monica.
"I think of how insignificant I am," she answered without hesitation. "I don't mean that in a bad way, but I just think how easily one could be swept up into that water and disappear. Forever. What about you? What do you think about?"
"Sorta the same thing, I guess. But I also think about what a great purpose water serves, and then I think about my life. Not that I need my life to be so extraordinary, but I would like to think I could do something that would make a difference. To somebody."
"You've made a tremendous difference in my life," Monica said. "Does that count?"
Chandler looked at her and smiled. "You need to take credit for the changes you're making. Only you could've made those decisions."
"But what if I feel the quality of my life has improved since I met you? Doesn't that mean anything?"
"I hope it does because I feel the same way."
Monica searched his face and saw that he was wrestling with something.
"What is it that you want, Chandler? Really?"
He sighed and reached to clasp Monica's hand in his. "I wish I knew. That's the problem. I haven't told anybody, so please don't say anything, but I'm thinking about leaving NYU."
"Why?"
"Because I'm wasting my time. I know it sounds crazy. I don't know what I want, so how can I expect NYU or anything else to satisfy me? Yet, I know if I found what it is I want to do, I would be happy. Makes no sense, right?"
"No," Monica said slowly, "I kinda see what you're saying. You need to clear your mind and let yourself just be. I believe you think too much."
Chandler laughed. "You sound like Phoebe."
"Phoebe?" Monica questioned. "Who's Phoebe? Is she the one..."
"Oh, no. No, she isn't. She's a friend. That's all. We went out a couple of times but decided to leave it as a friendship. It just works better that way. She has some different, if not far out, ideas about things. She's always encouraging me to clear my mind. How one does that, I have no idea."
"Since I've been losing weight, I started reading a book here and there. Nothing crazy, but just some common sense things about how we function as humans. A lot of it makes sense if I let myself think about it. We all have baggage, right, but some have way more than others. I realize I need to let some, if not all, of it go. I'm far from doing it, but I realize more and more that I am only hurting myself by continuing to hang on to things that have happened in the past. I read a passage where the author wrote that the person you're resenting may not even know he or she has hurt you. That person is living a pretty decent life while we're all tied up in knots over what? I'm probably not remembering it correctly, but that's the gist of it. And it makes sense, even though I can't imagine just letting everything go. But really, what good does it do to hang on to it?"
"It can serve as a reminder," Chandler pointed out.
"And maybe those reminders are too painful," Monica said, her voice softening. "I think you have some of those, Chandler."
"I thought I was immune to a lot of things," he admitted. "But meeting you and being with you has made me see some things very differently."
Monica leaned her head on Chandler's shoulder. "Good or bad?"
"Definitely good, but I have to be honest, Monica. Some of the things scare me. That's when I get angry with myself that I am letting my past control me."
"Being with me scares you?"
"On a certain level, yes, because I know how badly I've messed up before. And I know just how capable I am of messing up again. A part of me is saying I'm crazy for wanting to be with you, but another part of me, the more rational part, is telling me what a fool I would be if I weren't with you. I'm at war with myself all the time, and I hate it."
"I know what that's like," Monica said, running her hand along the fabric of his shirt. "I know there's always been a thin person inside of me screaming to get out, and when she would make her presence known, it would scare me like nothing else could. So, I stuffed her down with food and more food until I couldn't hear her anymore. I think you're trying to do the same thing, Chandler. But I don't think it's working."
"Have you ever been truly at peace?" he asked. "That's what I also think about when I look out at that water. The water can seem so peaceful."
"I've had moments where I've been okay with who I am and where I'm going, but I've had so much said to me that's been negative, how could I say I'm at peace? So, no, I don't think I've ever truly been at peace. The closest I've come is since I met you. I mean that, Chandler."
Chandler leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "Do you know how good you are for my ego?"
Monica looked up at him and smiled. "I'd like to think I'm very good for you. Period."
"You are. You most definitely are."
"Even though I have so much to learn about this relationship business?"
"I am so lousy at relationships, that I know you'll be teaching me. And I'll be happy and grateful to learn from you."
"You're the one teaching me," Monica assured him. "And if I'm this happy, how bad at it can you be?"
"How about so bad that my last girlfriend moved across the country to get away from me?"
"No way!"
Monica was sincerely shocked.
"It's true. Let's see, I think her exact words were she definitely couldn't live in the same state as me, and maybe she would even have to leave the country, but she would give the West Coast a chance before she bailed on the United States and moved to Europe."
"You have to be exaggerating," Monica insisted.
"I wish I were, but I'm not."
"What could you have possibly done?"
"I scared her. I went overboard, as I've been known to do. We hadn't been going out that long. I don't know why, but I felt as though I were losing her. And I panicked. Why, I don't know. I think I just saw it as another failure to add my list. So, instead of doing the rational thing and talking to her, I went out and bought her an engagement ring. I wanted to tie her to me because I was afraid she was already gone. Well, now she is. And it's not that I regret not being with her, but I regret that I couldn't figure out how to just let her go. Why would I want to bind someone to me who didn't want to be with me in the first place? And the really sad part is if she had said yes, I probably would've left the country rather than marry her."
Chandler shook his head. "How pathetic does this make me sound? But it's the truth, and I know I have to face it. I don't know how to just let someone or something be, and then I find excuses not to be with her. It's a cycle that drives me crazy, and yet, I don't know how to stop it. But I do know I don't want to be that way with you."
"So don't be. Remember what we said, Chandler. Friends first and always. I want you in my life."
"I want you in mine, too."
"Then the rest we just take one step at a time. Agreed?"
"Agreed. I think our pact needs to be sealed with a kiss. What do you say?"
"I say you are getting smarter and cuter by the second."
Monica laughed as Chandler pulled her into his arms and covered her mouth with his.
*~*
That night, they had the house to themselves. Monica's parents had gone to a party, and Ross was catching up with some high school buddies he hadn't seen since graduation. A roaring fire filled the living room with warmth as Chandler and Monica sat on the sofa.
"We could listen to some music."
"Sure."
"Christmas or regular?"
"Regular. I'm not quite ready for Christmas yet."
"Well, you better get in the spirit," Monica teased, "because we're decorating our tree tomorrow, and you have to help. You have no choice!"
"Do you know how long it's been since I've decorated a Christmas tree? I know you don't have the best relationship with your parents, Monica, but at least you guys do things as a family. I missed that growing up. It might be fun to decorate your tree, although you'll probably rearrange every ornament I hang."
"Hey!" she said, playfully punching his arm. "No fair!"
"Monica, let's face it, sweetheart. You have not liked one thing I've done. But I understand. It's part of your nature, just like what we talked about earlier is part of mine. By the way, did I tell you that you are the best listener I've ever had? If I'm not careful, I'll end up spilling all my secrets to you."
Monica grew serious. "Would it be so bad if you did?"
Chandler gazed into her eyes. "Maybe not. But I mean it when I say I don't want to do anything to scare you."
"You're not scaring me, Chandler, you're letting me into your life. I want that. Very much."
Chandler nodded but didn't say anything. Monica rose from the sofa and played an easy listening CD. She turned around. Chandler was standing behind her.
"Dance with me?" he asked.
"I'm not very good."
"Neither am I, but does it really matter?"
Monica smiled. "You're right. It doesn't matter at all."
They waltzed and swayed to the music. They could've been the two worst dancers, but neither one cared. They were in each other's arms, and they felt happy, safe, and yes, in a most wonderful way, loved.
*~*
I could lose my heart tonight
If you don't turn and walk away
'Cause the way I feel I might
Lose control and let you stay
'Cause I could take you in my arms
And never let go
*~*
As she continued to be held in Chandler's arms, Monica couldn't help but let her mind wander to how it would be if she were to give herself to him. She imagined it a lot lately but always after she'd lost more weight. She held to the firm belief that her first time would be special and would be with the man
she loved and planned to marry. She didn't dare let herself think she could be falling in love with Chandler, and yet he was all she thought about. How does one know for sure one's in love, she mused.
*~*
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
*~*
Chandler held Monica close and wondered how he had fallen so fast. He hadn't even wanted to, but she made it so damn easy. She gave of herself without expectation. She listened to him, she cared about him, she encouraged him in the middle of her own trials. But he could not risk doing anything that would ruin what he had with her. That thought screamed loudly and incessantly in his mind.
*~*
I could only wonder how
Touching you would make me feel
But if I take that chance right now
Tomorrow will you want me still?
So I should keep this to myself
And never let you know
*~*
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
*~*
Chandler released her when the song ended and stared at her flushed face. Monica smiled and ran a gentle hand through his hair.
"I feel protected in your arms, Chandler," she assured him. "I'm not scared at all."
He rested his forehead against hers.
"Right now, I'm not scared either, but I am on my guard."
"Don't be. Let your guard down. You're good to me, Chandler. You've treated me better than I ever knew I could or should be."
"I feel the same way. How many times have I said that? And yet, it's true."
"We're good for each other. Let's focus on that. Please. At least for tonight. Come on. Dance with me. I miss being in your arms. We're going to be all right. In fact, we're going to be better than all right. We're going to be the best!"
Why Chandler couldn't grab hold of that thought he didn't know. But he couldn't.
*~*
And I know it's not right
And I guess I should try to do what I should do
But I could fall in love
Fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
*~*
So I should keep this to myself
And never let you know
*~*
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love
I could fall in love
With you...
Song credit: "I Could Fall In Love" - Selena