Night fell, and the vampires were sitting in a circle, having just finished
snacking on some poor carol singers. There was an awkward silence and
everyone glanced around the room uncomfortably.
Vorador (after a long silence): Nice Christmas tree.
Zephon (muttering): Hmph, actually that's a Santa hat isn't it Kain?
Dumah (whispering): Let it go already.
Kain: So Janos, who do you think is the most attractive out of all the vampires?
Everyone stares at Kain.
Kain: Just curious, is all. It'll help pass some time, won't it? Janos, just list the vampires from most attractive to most hideous. Come on, be comfortable in your sexuality. I'm not asking if you fancy them.. Just list them. No-ones going to judge you.
Janos: Well... okay then. I'd put myself first.
Kain: You can't put yourself first.
Janos: Well, okay, Vorador then.
Kain: What?
Janos: Then me...
Kain: You can't put yourself second.
Janos: Fine, I'll put Umah second. Then me...
Kain: Look, you can't list yourself, okay? So who's third?
Janos: I guess I'd have to place Rahab third.
Kain: Rahab? You can't be serious!?
Janos: Then Dumah, then Turel...
Kain: Ah ha ha ha. Now I know I might not have made this point perfectly clear, but you WERE allowed to include ME in this list.
Janos: I know. What number am I at now? Well, next is Zephon...
Kain: Oh, shut up Janos, nobody cares about your stupid list. Imagine listing the most attractive vampires, you really are an idiot.
Janos: But you asked me to do it.
Vorador: Ha, I'm number one! I'm the sexiest vampire of them all!
Kain: Oh piss off Vorador, you're only number one in the eyes of Janos and quite frankly that counts for nothing. What does he know?
Zephon (muttering): He knows that Christmas trees aren't hats.
Dumah (whispering): I said let it go.
Raziel: Ah, that's a good Christmas song isn't it? Let it go, let it go, let it go!
Turel: What the hell is Raziel singing?
Dumah: Er, I think he means "let it snow".
Kain: That list was BS and you know it Janos. You wouldn't know an attractive vampire if one was sitting on your lap.
Vorador: I have a question.
Kain: I mean, what must the humans say? "Oh no, here comes a vampire", "Oh no, wait, it's only Janos. Nothing to worry about - he's blind!"
Vorador: Where are we all going to sleep tonight?
Kain: Women throw themselves at my feet!
Melchiah: Well, it is the most attractive part of you.
Kain: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?
Vorador: WILL EVERYONE PLEASE SHUT UP AND ANSWER MY QUESTION!
Rahab: I also have a question: when did we start actually sleeping at night?
Kain: Well, about the same time a bunch of unwanted vampires arrived and I decided to use any excuse to get away from them for awhile.
Melchiah: Look, the snow's not so bad now. We should be able to go out hunting. That'll make the night more fun.
Raziel: Well, some of us can go out whether there's snow or not.
Melchiah: No-one is impressed. Shut your mouth.
Raziel: That could be a problem.
Kain: I can't take any more of this! I'm going out, the rest of you can do what you please, just don't follow me!
Kain gets up and storms out.
Dumah: Don't mind him. He's always grumpy this time of year. I know, we can all have a sing-along while he's out...
Everyone except Dumah gets up and leaves the house.
Dumah: You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry...
Meanwhile, in Meridian...
Sebastian (while ringing a bell): The bells are ringing out, for Christmas day!
Marcus (with his ears covered): Will... ouch... you... arrgh... please.... eek... stop...urrgh... doing... ack... that...
Sebastian (still ringing the bell): Doing what?
Marcus: Ringing... that... blasted... bell...
Sebastian (STILL ringing the bell): I can't hear you - I'm ringing this bell.
Faustus: STOP RINGING THE BELL!
Sebastian: Why?
Faustus: You KNOW the effect it has on poor Marcus.
Sebastian: Oh, that's right. He got trapped inside a giant bell as a child, didn't he? And he never overcame the trauma.
Marcus: Please don't remind me of it.
Faustus: Aaaanyway, where's Magnus? Is he coming this year?
Sebastian: No, he's going to Kain's again. You know how close he and Kain are.
Faustus: Oh yes, "I'm Kain's champion," he says. Champion my ass! I'm Faustus, the greatest vampire ever! I'm the greatest champion there could ever be!
Sebastian: What are you talking about? Everyone knows I'm much greater!
Marcus: No, I am Marcus and I am the greatest!
Sebastian: You were beaten by a bloody bell!
Suddenly, Moebius sticks his head through the vampires' window.
Moebius: Hey fellas, can I join you?
All the vampires: NO!
Sebastian gets up and slams the window shut, leaving Moebius standing outside alone. He puts his head up to the window, sees the vampires laughing at him, and slowly turns away.
Kain, in his mist form, slowly made his way down the alley. The girl was alone and it was just too easy. Fun too though. To Kain's surprise though, the girl turned round.
Hayley: Joooooohn, where are you?
Kain suddenly changed back to his regular form, holding his ears.
Kain: Did you have to shout so damn loud, woman?
Hayley: Oh, I'm sorry Mr Vampire. I'm just looking for my boyfriend, John.
Kain: Fascinating.
Kain held his arm up and prepared to strike the girl down.
Hayley: Well, he's not really my boyfriend anymore. We split up, see? But I still love him, and he says he loves me, and I want us to get back together, because he's my soul mate, and he's really really sweet...
Kain still has his arm raised.
Kain: Yes, yes, that's great...
Hayley: He says he wants to be a Sarafan one day, and hunt down vampires like you. He says he'll be one of the best Sarafan ever. Right now he's just a shoe-shine boy though, but I love him for his ambitions...
Kain: Please stop talking...
Hayley: And he's soo gorgeous! He's about 6 feet tall, brown hair, cute little nose that sticks up just a little bit...
Kain: Ah yes, saw him, killed him, drained him, merry Christmas!
Kain kills the girl and feasts on her.
The rest of the vampires were walking down one of the main streets. It was almost deserted, and a gang of vampires had a way of keeping it like that.
Turel: ...and that's how I single-handedly saved Kain's empire from destruction for the seventeenth time, thus cementing my position as Kain's number two vampire. And don't ever forget it! You're all below me, you know!
Rahab turned to look at Zephon and Melchiah.
Rahab: You two are below me!
Zephon turns to look at Melchiah.
Zephon: Well... I'm above you, at least.
Melchiah turns to look at no-one and lowers his head.
Zephon: I sense danger nearby!
Vorador, Janos and Raziel, who are some distance behind, now catch up to the others.
Vorador: Where? I'm more than ready for a fight.
Zephon: Across the other side of the road! Two humans are crossing the road without looking where they are going! I, Zephon, road-crossing expert, will save them before they get hit by a cart!
The humans are half way across the road when Zephon scurries over to them.
Zephon: What you are doing is dangerous. You must go back to the other side immediately and this time look both ways before crossing over.
Zephon turns around and goes back to the other vampires, who watch as, on their way back over, the humans get killed by a cart that comes speeding down that part of the road.
Zephon: It's always best to be safe!
Vorador: Blood!
Vorador runs across the road towards the run-over humans. Zephon runs after him.
Zephon: Running across the road like that is UNSAFE!!!
Zephon sees an old lady trying to cross the street.
Zephon: I, Zephon, road-crossing expert, must assist this old lady! Vorador can wait, this is an emergency.
As Vorador drank, Zephon ran over to the old lady and escorted her across the road.
Zephon: There, you're safe now!
He ran back over to Vorador.
Zephon: No eating in the street! UNSAFE!!!
The vampires killed the old lady Zephon had brought over and she was messily devoured. Once consumed, Kain appeared.
Kain: C'mon, it's almost midnight. It'll soon be Christmas eve. Let us head back.
At the Circle's Christmas party...
Mortanius: You don't think it was a bit mean, not letting Moebius stay? I mean, I know he's an utter git and all, but it IS Christmas. Do you think we should invite him round on Christmas day?
Everyone in the room except Mortanius: NO!!!
Mortanius: I agree.
Vorador (after a long silence): Nice Christmas tree.
Zephon (muttering): Hmph, actually that's a Santa hat isn't it Kain?
Dumah (whispering): Let it go already.
Kain: So Janos, who do you think is the most attractive out of all the vampires?
Everyone stares at Kain.
Kain: Just curious, is all. It'll help pass some time, won't it? Janos, just list the vampires from most attractive to most hideous. Come on, be comfortable in your sexuality. I'm not asking if you fancy them.. Just list them. No-ones going to judge you.
Janos: Well... okay then. I'd put myself first.
Kain: You can't put yourself first.
Janos: Well, okay, Vorador then.
Kain: What?
Janos: Then me...
Kain: You can't put yourself second.
Janos: Fine, I'll put Umah second. Then me...
Kain: Look, you can't list yourself, okay? So who's third?
Janos: I guess I'd have to place Rahab third.
Kain: Rahab? You can't be serious!?
Janos: Then Dumah, then Turel...
Kain: Ah ha ha ha. Now I know I might not have made this point perfectly clear, but you WERE allowed to include ME in this list.
Janos: I know. What number am I at now? Well, next is Zephon...
Kain: Oh, shut up Janos, nobody cares about your stupid list. Imagine listing the most attractive vampires, you really are an idiot.
Janos: But you asked me to do it.
Vorador: Ha, I'm number one! I'm the sexiest vampire of them all!
Kain: Oh piss off Vorador, you're only number one in the eyes of Janos and quite frankly that counts for nothing. What does he know?
Zephon (muttering): He knows that Christmas trees aren't hats.
Dumah (whispering): I said let it go.
Raziel: Ah, that's a good Christmas song isn't it? Let it go, let it go, let it go!
Turel: What the hell is Raziel singing?
Dumah: Er, I think he means "let it snow".
Kain: That list was BS and you know it Janos. You wouldn't know an attractive vampire if one was sitting on your lap.
Vorador: I have a question.
Kain: I mean, what must the humans say? "Oh no, here comes a vampire", "Oh no, wait, it's only Janos. Nothing to worry about - he's blind!"
Vorador: Where are we all going to sleep tonight?
Kain: Women throw themselves at my feet!
Melchiah: Well, it is the most attractive part of you.
Kain: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?
Vorador: WILL EVERYONE PLEASE SHUT UP AND ANSWER MY QUESTION!
Rahab: I also have a question: when did we start actually sleeping at night?
Kain: Well, about the same time a bunch of unwanted vampires arrived and I decided to use any excuse to get away from them for awhile.
Melchiah: Look, the snow's not so bad now. We should be able to go out hunting. That'll make the night more fun.
Raziel: Well, some of us can go out whether there's snow or not.
Melchiah: No-one is impressed. Shut your mouth.
Raziel: That could be a problem.
Kain: I can't take any more of this! I'm going out, the rest of you can do what you please, just don't follow me!
Kain gets up and storms out.
Dumah: Don't mind him. He's always grumpy this time of year. I know, we can all have a sing-along while he's out...
Everyone except Dumah gets up and leaves the house.
Dumah: You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry...
Meanwhile, in Meridian...
Sebastian (while ringing a bell): The bells are ringing out, for Christmas day!
Marcus (with his ears covered): Will... ouch... you... arrgh... please.... eek... stop...urrgh... doing... ack... that...
Sebastian (still ringing the bell): Doing what?
Marcus: Ringing... that... blasted... bell...
Sebastian (STILL ringing the bell): I can't hear you - I'm ringing this bell.
Faustus: STOP RINGING THE BELL!
Sebastian: Why?
Faustus: You KNOW the effect it has on poor Marcus.
Sebastian: Oh, that's right. He got trapped inside a giant bell as a child, didn't he? And he never overcame the trauma.
Marcus: Please don't remind me of it.
Faustus: Aaaanyway, where's Magnus? Is he coming this year?
Sebastian: No, he's going to Kain's again. You know how close he and Kain are.
Faustus: Oh yes, "I'm Kain's champion," he says. Champion my ass! I'm Faustus, the greatest vampire ever! I'm the greatest champion there could ever be!
Sebastian: What are you talking about? Everyone knows I'm much greater!
Marcus: No, I am Marcus and I am the greatest!
Sebastian: You were beaten by a bloody bell!
Suddenly, Moebius sticks his head through the vampires' window.
Moebius: Hey fellas, can I join you?
All the vampires: NO!
Sebastian gets up and slams the window shut, leaving Moebius standing outside alone. He puts his head up to the window, sees the vampires laughing at him, and slowly turns away.
Kain, in his mist form, slowly made his way down the alley. The girl was alone and it was just too easy. Fun too though. To Kain's surprise though, the girl turned round.
Hayley: Joooooohn, where are you?
Kain suddenly changed back to his regular form, holding his ears.
Kain: Did you have to shout so damn loud, woman?
Hayley: Oh, I'm sorry Mr Vampire. I'm just looking for my boyfriend, John.
Kain: Fascinating.
Kain held his arm up and prepared to strike the girl down.
Hayley: Well, he's not really my boyfriend anymore. We split up, see? But I still love him, and he says he loves me, and I want us to get back together, because he's my soul mate, and he's really really sweet...
Kain still has his arm raised.
Kain: Yes, yes, that's great...
Hayley: He says he wants to be a Sarafan one day, and hunt down vampires like you. He says he'll be one of the best Sarafan ever. Right now he's just a shoe-shine boy though, but I love him for his ambitions...
Kain: Please stop talking...
Hayley: And he's soo gorgeous! He's about 6 feet tall, brown hair, cute little nose that sticks up just a little bit...
Kain: Ah yes, saw him, killed him, drained him, merry Christmas!
Kain kills the girl and feasts on her.
The rest of the vampires were walking down one of the main streets. It was almost deserted, and a gang of vampires had a way of keeping it like that.
Turel: ...and that's how I single-handedly saved Kain's empire from destruction for the seventeenth time, thus cementing my position as Kain's number two vampire. And don't ever forget it! You're all below me, you know!
Rahab turned to look at Zephon and Melchiah.
Rahab: You two are below me!
Zephon turns to look at Melchiah.
Zephon: Well... I'm above you, at least.
Melchiah turns to look at no-one and lowers his head.
Zephon: I sense danger nearby!
Vorador, Janos and Raziel, who are some distance behind, now catch up to the others.
Vorador: Where? I'm more than ready for a fight.
Zephon: Across the other side of the road! Two humans are crossing the road without looking where they are going! I, Zephon, road-crossing expert, will save them before they get hit by a cart!
The humans are half way across the road when Zephon scurries over to them.
Zephon: What you are doing is dangerous. You must go back to the other side immediately and this time look both ways before crossing over.
Zephon turns around and goes back to the other vampires, who watch as, on their way back over, the humans get killed by a cart that comes speeding down that part of the road.
Zephon: It's always best to be safe!
Vorador: Blood!
Vorador runs across the road towards the run-over humans. Zephon runs after him.
Zephon: Running across the road like that is UNSAFE!!!
Zephon sees an old lady trying to cross the street.
Zephon: I, Zephon, road-crossing expert, must assist this old lady! Vorador can wait, this is an emergency.
As Vorador drank, Zephon ran over to the old lady and escorted her across the road.
Zephon: There, you're safe now!
He ran back over to Vorador.
Zephon: No eating in the street! UNSAFE!!!
The vampires killed the old lady Zephon had brought over and she was messily devoured. Once consumed, Kain appeared.
Kain: C'mon, it's almost midnight. It'll soon be Christmas eve. Let us head back.
At the Circle's Christmas party...
Mortanius: You don't think it was a bit mean, not letting Moebius stay? I mean, I know he's an utter git and all, but it IS Christmas. Do you think we should invite him round on Christmas day?
Everyone in the room except Mortanius: NO!!!
Mortanius: I agree.