CHAPTER 4

REI:

"{You okay?}"

The voice jolted me out of my trance, and I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. "{Yes, I am fine. Just thinking.}"

Leonardo sat down on the couch, his legs curled under him. "{What about? Something bothering you?}"

I sighed and stretched my arms above my head, reaching toward the ceiling. I'd been sitting here for a long time. I studied him for a moment, considering what, if anything I wanted to say. "{Hey, Leo, not that I think you'll answer me or anything... but what's wrong with your brother?}"

He studied me, his face emotionless. "Michaelangelo?"

"Hai."

He held my gaze for a moment, and then looked away. "{I don't know, Rei,}" I mumbled. "{Some stuff happened a while ago and he never really recovered. But I don't know why.}"

"{What kind of stuff?}" I questioned.

He shifted nervously. "{I really can't talk about it.}"

"{I didn't think so,}" I sighed. I grinned at him. "{But I figured I'd ask. You all sure do guard that secret, whatever it is.}"

He cringed. "{It's... not really a secret. It's just not my place to talk about it.}"

I nodded. "{Yeah, that's the general consensus. And I'm guessing the only one who can talk about it is Mike, right?}"

He smiled, but said nothing. I took that as an invitation to drop it. I yawned and stretched. "{Know where my brother went?}" I asked.

Leonardo sighed. "{No, not really. He walked out of here, but didn't tell anyone where he was going.}" I nodded slowly. "{And I really wish he'd not do that. It's dangerous.}"

I smiled. "{I'm sorry. My brother is very stubborn sometimes.}"

Leo grinned back. "{It's okay. I'm used to it.}"

MICHAELANGELO:

I sank down into the warm water. No, not warm. Hot. It was so hot it made my skin tingle. Kinda like the feeling when your foot falls asleep after you've been sitting in one place for too long. I could hear the soft hissing and cracking of the bubbles. Why on earth was I doing this? I hadn't done this in years. No, it hadn't been years. It had only been a couple of months. Although it sure did feel like years. It was a different life, in a different world.

Every so often, there came an event that stopped time. And when it started again, it was backwards, and confused. Like the birth of Christ. But it would happen to everyone someday, on a smaller scale. Everyone would have that turning point in their lives, for better or worse. Everyone changed. Everyone grew up. Childhood was over the moment you knew you were going to die. I'd heard that somewhere. And it was true. Death stopped time. Death changed everything.

I heard the door open and looked up. Rei gasped and slammed it closed again. "Omigod, I'm sorry."

I couldn't help but smile. "It's okay, Rei. Not like I've got anything to hide." For a moment, it was silent. Somehow, I knew she was still there. "You need something, Rei? You can come in."

The door cracked open and she peeked inside. "Are you… are you sure?" she asked hesitantly.

I studied her for a moment, and nodded. "Yeah. It's okay."

She glanced over her shoulder, then slipped inside the room, closing the door behind her. "I was just… I need a band-aid."

I pointed to the medicine cabinet. "Over there."

I watched her carefully as she pulled the cabinet open and rummaged through it for a moment. Then she turned and jumped onto the counter, raising her knee in front of her. It was scraped. "How'd you do that?" I questioned.

"Your stupid brother," she scowled.

"Which one?"

"Raph."

I should've known. She glanced up and flashed me a wicked smile. "It's okay though. It was an accident. And even if it wasn't, I deserved it."

"Why? What'd you do?"

"Sprayed him with perfume."

I laughed in spite of myself. "You did what?"

She shrugged, still grinning. "Yeah. That body spray stuff, you know? That constantly sprays, not just squirts out a little bit at a time."

I smiled and shook my head, looking away. She dropped her legs off the side of the counter. I could feel her eyes on me and I tensed under her gaze. "What?" I asked, turning back to her.

She shook her head. "Nothing. Just… remembering."

"Remembering what?"

She sighed and looked away. "My mother used to run bubble baths for me before she died."

I studied her for a moment. "How'd she die?"

"Car accident." She clasped her hands together. "Well, sorta. She was hit by a car. I was eleven at the time."

"I'm sorry," I mumbled.

She shrugged. "Not your fault."

There was a long silence. "You okay?" she asked.

"Fine," I answered automatically. "Why?"

"I dunno, you just seem… depressed."

No shit? Here I thought I was thrilled to be alive. I kept my smartass comments to myself. "Why do you say that?"

She shot me a pathetic look. "Well, gee, I dunno Mikey. Maybe just the way you stay locked in your room all the time and don't speak to anyone unless your very existence depends on it."

I tensed, immediately defensive at the mention of the name. I hated that name. And I didn't need to hear this from her. She needed to leave. "There's more to it, isn't there?" she sighed.

"What do you mean?"

"You're not really like this, are you." It wasn't a question. She crossed her legs and leaned back on her arms. It was obvious that she wasn't planning on leaving. "How long has it been, since you've been yourself?"

I glared at her. "What makes you think you have the right to say that?" I snapped. "You don't know me. You don't know anything about me."

She sighed. "Of course not. You wouldn't let me if I tried."

I opened my mouth to say something back to her, but realized I had nothing to say. I looked away again, deciding to let it go. There was a long silence. It wasn't really a tense silence; it wasn't uneasy. It was just that neither of us really had anything to say. I wondered why she wasn't leaving. "Who are you, Mikey?" she finally whispered, more to herself than to me. I glanced at her and saw her staring at the floor. "Really?"

I put aside the reflexive anger and considered her words for a moment. I used to know the answer to that. But now, I wasn't really sure. "I… I don't know," I answered hesitantly, surprised by my own honesty. "I know who I was," I mumbled hesitantly. "And I know what I've become. But I really don't think I know who I am anymore."

There was a moment of silence. I closed my eyes and lay back, sinking underneath the water. I was shocked that I'd just said that to her. I was being more honest than I figured was safe.

"I think you should take up your training again," she finally whispered.

"No," I answered automatically.

"With your brothers," she continued, ignoring me. "I think it would help you to find who you are."

"No, Rei," I said again, hearing the icy tone in my own voice.

"Why?" she questioned. "What's so wrong about…?"

"You wouldn't understand."

She sighed. "How can I, Mikey, when you won't let me?"

I sat up. "Why do you call me that?" I demanded harshly.

"You really wanna know?" Her response caught me off-guard. I froze and turned to stare at her. "I'll tell you, but you have to promise not to get mad." I was stunned. I hadn't expected her to actually have a reason. "You promise?"

I nodded slightly, not entirely sure where she was going with this. "There's a nunchaku in your room with the name 'Mikey' carved into the handle."

I felt anger burn in my chest. She'd been going through my room? I bit my tongue, remembering my promise. "What does that have to do with anything?" I demanded.

"You carved that, right?"

"So?" I shot, standing up. "What's your point?"

She sighed. "It's just that it's perfectly obvious that whatever happened to you hadn't happened back then. And somewhere along the line, you lost your identity."

Anger flooded through me. "God damn it, Rei," I snapped. "You have no right!"

She stood up and faced me. "You can't deny that something happened to you and you can't deny that it changed you. Everyone sees that. Maybe I'm just the only one with the nerve to come out and say something about it."

I stepped out of the bathtub. Anger surging through my veins. "What makes you think you have a right to say that?" I snapped at her. "You didn't know me! You still don't! You don't know anything about me!"

"Because you don't even know yourself!" she shot back, her voice just above a whisper.

"And why the hell is that any of your business, huh?" I yelled. "What the fuck do you want from me? I don't need a goddamn psychiatrist!"

She fell silent. We stared at each other for a moment. "Why, Michaelangelo?" she breathed. "Why do you hate him so much?"

I spun away from her. She was prodding at nerves that still hurt fiercely. And she had no right to. Why the hell was I talking to her? And why was she so fucking determined to make me talk. Damn her.

"He was a child, Rei," I growled. "A fucking child."

"What's wrong with being a child?" she cried. "There's nothing wrong with that!"

In an instant, I'd whirled back to face her. She almost fell over backwards trying to stop herself from tripping over me. "Yes, Rei, there is something wrong with it!" I yelled at her. "When you're 16 years old and have the maturity of an 8 year old, there's a big problem with it!"

For a moment, she was stunned into silence. I jerked away from her, threw the bathroom door open and made a beeline for my room, slamming the door behind me. I guess I wasn't really surprised when it opened again, but it did piss me off. "Get the hell out of my room!" I shot at her.

"Who told you that?" she demanded.

"I said get out."

"No."

Rage burned steadily in my chest. "What do you mean, no?"

"I'm not leaving until you tell me who said those words to you."

I glared at her. "Fine," I snarled. I flopped down on the bed and pulled the blankets over my head. I waited. There was no sound. After a few minutes, she left. Good. I was more stubborn than she was.

SPLINTER:

I had perhaps heard more of the conversation than I was supposed to. Being not entirely human, my hearing had become impeccable. I heard their argument, and her footsteps as she walked into her room and flopped down on her bed, right on the other side of the wall. Then I heard her crying.

I rose from my bed and left the dark room. I moved silently, receiving only brief glances from the turtles, and knocked lightly on the door. A moment later, she peeked out. She wiped her eyes and bowed. "Splinter-sama," she greeted. "{What can I do for you?}"

"{You have been crying, child,}" I whispered.

She seemed startled. "{I am sorry. Did I disturb you? I did not think I was being loud.}"

I smiled. "{No, of course not. May I come in?}"

She stepped back, opening the door. "{What troubles you, Rei-chan?}" I asked gently.

She looked away and brushed her eyes roughly with the heel of her palm. "{Your son just reminds me of a friend of mine.}"

"Michaelangelo?" I assumed.

She nodded. "Hai."

"{How so?}"

She was quiet for a long time. Then she looked up at me again. "{I don't know how to explain it, really,}" she whispered. "{I mean, I don't really have a reason to believe it but… I just do.}"

"{What do you believe, Rei-chan?}"

She bit her bottom lip and shifted nervously. "{That there is more to him than what he allows us to see,}" she finally answered. "{And I believe that it's dangerous for him to mask his emotions the way that he does.}"

Her voice echoed a concern that I was not unfamiliar with. "{Why do you say that?}" I questioned.

She sighed deeply. "{I had a friend who…}" She paused. "{I don't know. I really don't know Michaelangelo. But like I said, he just reminds me of a friend I used to know who changed a lot when his girlfriend died. And he was really depressed for a few months before he killed himself.}"

I bowed my head out of respect for the deceased. "{I am sorry,}" I whispered.

"{Yes, so was I,}" she continued. "{Especially since I always thought he would come out of it, you know? I never really tried to help him.}" Our eyes met again. "{Splinter-sama, I mean no disrespect. But please take care that the same does not happen to Michaelangelo.}"

I smiled faintly. "{You need not worry, Rei-chan,}" I replied. "{I keep a close watch over my son. He is in no such danger.}"

She smiled, assured by my words. "{That is a relief to me.}"

There was a moment of silence and she looked away. "{I don't suppose you could tell me what made him this way,}" she mumbled.

I shook my head. "{I have no right to discuss the events of my son's life.}"

She sighed. "{That's what I thought.}" She looked back at me and smiled. "{But I figured I'd try anyway.}"

I rested a hand on her shoulder. "{I believe, Rei-chan, that if your patience triumphs, you will find out for yourself who my son really is.}"

"{You agree, then?}" she questioned. "{He is masking himself?}"

I dropped my hand and my eyes. "{I am at liberty to say nothing,}" I informed her. "{But if you seek answers from him, I believe he may tell you himself.}"

I said the words with little hesitation. For based on what I had heard, they could not be more true.

REI:

"I'm sorry."

I jumped, startled. I'd been dozing, and didn't hear the approach. Michaelangelo stood behind the couch, his hands resting on the cushions. I sat up slightly. "For what?"

He shifted nervously. "For… blowing up at you like that. I said I wouldn't get mad, but I did. And I'm sorry."

I was somewhat surprised that he had even given the argument a second thought. "Just don't try to help me, okay?" he continued quickly. "We'll get along fine if you just leave me alone."

I frowned. "Like you get along with your family?" I questioned. I immediately regretted the words. I didn't want to make him defensive again…

He hung his head. "You can't help me, Rei. Don't try. You'll just piss us both off."

I studied him for a moment, then sat up. "You know what I want, Mike?" I questioned. "I don't want to counsel you or help you." Our eyes met. "I want to be your friend. Will that piss you off?"

He considered that for a moment, and smiled faintly.