CHAPTER 6

LEONARDO:

"Dude, go to bed. What on earth are you doing up?"

I glanced up and saw Donatello walking into the living room. "I can't sleep."

He stopped. "Is something wrong?"

I sighed and shook my head. "It's just… Mike."

He perched on the arm of the nearby easy chair, a concerned look on his face. "What about him?'

I stared down at the floor for a moment, leaned forward, and hid my face in my hands. "I don't know, Donny. I just… I don't know what to… support."

His look changed to one of confusion. "What do you mean?"

I sighed and leaned back against the sofa. "Yukio is worried about Rei, but frankly… I don't know if I want to step in the middle of it, you know?"

He considered that. "What is Yukio worried about?"

I closed my eyes. "He doesn't want Rei to get hurt and he doesn't want her falling in love with someone as different as we are."

There was another moment of silence. "Well, you wanna know what I think?"

"What?" I mumbled.

"I don't think it's any of your business. Or his."

I sighed. "That's kinda my thinking too." I looked over at him and our eyes met. "And I'm seeing a difference in Mike that I think…" I considered my words carefully. "I think he might be starting to… come out of it. And I think she's helping him."

He said nothing. I stood up, frustrated, as thoughts flooded my mind. "And yes, I agree with Yukio when he says it's not a good idea for them to be sleeping together, but I don't think they are!"

Don shook his head. "It's none of your business, Leo," he informed me. "Just stay out of it."

I sighed. "I can't." He returned the words with a pathetic look and I turned away. "No, seriously, Donny, I can't. I have to side, one way or the other. Because if I step back, Yukio will just go after Mike directly, and I honestly don't think Michaelangelo can handle that. Then I'll have to side."

I looked back at him and he sighed, shaking his head as he stared at the floor. "What?" I prodded.

"Leo, if you've thought about this long enough to think that far ahead, you already know exactly whose side you're going to take." He looked up, a tired smile on his face. "I know you, Leonardo. You couldn't turn your back on Mike if you wanted to. If Yukio goes after him, you'll jump right in the middle, weapons in hand, and we both know it."

I smiled. He did know me. "Yeah," I whispered, almost afraid to admit it.

He stood and rested a hand on my shoulder as he passed. "Let's just hope it doesn't come to that, huh?"

MICHAELANGELO:

The voice is choked by pain and fear… anguish that would forever shatter childhood dreams of peace and happiness. One last scream, before she chokes on the blood…

She screams my name.

***

I wiped the tears from my cheeks and closed my eyes again. I knew I wouldn't be sleeping again. The bloody, painful nightmares wouldn't allow that. But I had nothing better to do. I had a headache, like I always got when I cried for too long. I glared at the ceiling, then turned on my stomach, burying my face in my arms. My tears were all spent by now, but I still wasn't tired. I sighed and sat up. I had nowhere to go, but I didn't want to stay here.

I wandered out into the living room and shivered from the cold. It was freezing in here. I wondered what it was like on the streets. I had managed to avoid going topside for over two months. God, had it really been that long?

There was no sound in the lair. I lit a candle and carried it with me into the dojo. I don't know why I was heading there, but it was where I found myself. I sighed as I looked around the room. Why was I here? I hadn't been in this room for weeks. There was simply no reason for it.

"Why, Mike? Why do you do this?"

I set the candle on the floor and looked around as the light flickered over the walls. "No, Mike, I... I just wanna know why. Why do you…?"

I didn't know why. But I knew that regardless of the reason, this was only going to cause pain. Something drew me. Maybe it was simply the masochism that had become so much a part of me…

"Michaelangelo, don't lose your patience."

He blocks every attack, and brings his weapon down toward me. I catch it with the chains of my nunchucks. Still on defense, I try to pull back and give myself more time. But he attacks the handles I'm gripping and knocks the weapons out of my hands. Stunned for only a moment, I rush him. He drops the bokken and catches my upper arms. I realize my mistake too late. He turns and drops onto his back, throwing me over him. I hit the wall and slide to the floor in a significant amount of pain.

"I'd say you just got smoked, Michaelangelo," Raphael grins. I shoot him a nasty look.

Splinter is not so informal. "Indeed, Michaelangelo has much to learn about patience."

I ran my hand over the weapon rack, fingering lightly over the black wood of the nunchaku hanging from the wall. It was cool to the touch. The chain links between the two handles were like ice. I brushed it lightly and closed my eyes as tears burned..

RAPHAEL:

I breathed deep and stared up at the ceiling. I wasn't really tired. Worn out was more like it. I'd been here for almost two hours now, and the majority of that time was not spent watching TV and eating popcorn. The figure next to me moaned slightly as she pressed hard against my side, her arm sliding across my chest. She nuzzled against my shoulder.

I turned my face to her, wondering if she was still awake. Her eyes were closed. I kissed her forehead, damp with sweat, and brushed her hair out of her eyes. If she was awake, she'd be asleep in a few minutes. I could wait until I was sure. I stretched out on the bed, feeling along the headboard as I extended my arms, then let my body go limp. I had to be careful. I knew I could fall asleep here real easily. But I didn't want to have to deal with the resulting lecture. If I left now, I could make it home before midnight.

I considered that for a moment, and looked over at Jessica. I smiled. Maybe I should just stay. Let them worry. They shouldn't be waiting up for me anyway. I was a big boy. I could take care of myself. The smile fell as I realized the truth of the situation. They would be waiting up. At least one of them would be. I didn't know which was worse. They'd both lecture. Splinter would expect an explanation, and that was hard to satisfy without flat-out lying to him. But an argument between Leo and I could easily turn to blows with the way things had been lately.

Michaelangelo's face flashed across my mind. I wasn't sure exactly why. I hadn't been thinking about him, or anything remotely close to him. But he was in my thoughts pretty quickly. I wondered where he was. He'd actually left the lair, on his own, without telling anyone where he was going. For him to emerge from his room was a pretty big deal. But to leave the lair? I wasn't real sure where he'd go. He hadn't done any training in over two months, so I highly doubted he was out there busting heads. But where else would he be?

That thought interested me so much that I actually got up, out of bed, and stretched. Jessica didn't stir. Good. She was asleep, and I didn't want to wake her. I'd worn her out pretty good. Not to mention myself. But hunting down my brother sounded more exciting right now than sleep did.

I kissed Jess on the forehead and slipped out of the room silently. I was met with a warm, mid-August breeze, and I made sure to close the window behind me. Up on the rooftop, I looked out over the city. It was dark and silent, lit by a dim silver-blue light from the nearly-full moon. The buildings were outlined, but nothing was clearly defined. He'd be up here, I immediately knew. He'd always liked the rooftops. It was just a matter of finding which one he was on.

He was close to home, on top of an apartment complex. I watched as he leaned forward and looked over the ledge at the dark streets below. "Mike?" I called.

He spun, startled, and pressed back against the ledge. "S'okay," I grinned. "It's just me, bro."

I watched as he relaxed slowly and turned back to the dark city. "Whaddaya doin'?" I asked as I approached. He shrugged, and said nothing. "It's kinda late. Aren't you usually asleep by now?"

Again, he shrugged. Again, it was quiet. He wasn't in the mood for talking. I sighed. I never thought I'd be able to say that about Michaelangelo. I didn't pressure him. I just turned and leaned against the ledge next to him. For a long time, it was quiet. "Hey, Raph?" he finally asked.

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

He hesitated. For a few seconds, it was silent. I stared out over the buildings we walked in silence. "You remember how...?" He stopped. "There was..."

I grinned. "Spit it out, Mike. Can't be that bad."

He was quiet for a few seconds. "Do you have a girlfriend now?" he finally asked.

I turned to face him. "Why?" I questioned, cautious.

He smiled. "Don't worry, Raph. I'm just curious. I promise I won't tell Splinter."

"Or Leo," I added, turning from him again. "They're oblivious and I'd like to keep them that way."

"So you do then?"

"Yeah," I replied with some hesitation.

"You fuckin' her?"

I think my eyes got a little wide at that question. I hadn't really been expecting it. "Why do you ask?"

He sighed. "Just tell me, Raph. You know I'm not gonna say anything."

I considered that for a minute. Yeah, I knew he'd keep his mouth shut. It wasn't that I didn't trust him. I just wasn't sure what he was getting at and I didn't like that. "Yes," I finally answered. "I am. Why do you care?"

He was quiet for a few more seconds. "A long time ago, you told me that that helped you to get a grip on who you are. You remember that?"

Oh, so that's where this was going. "Yeah, I remember."

"You still believe that?"

I considered it for a moment. "I don't think it was so much that it told me who I am as that it told me what I'm not."

He looked at me with a confused expression on his face. "Whaddaya mean?"

I shrugged. "I can't explain it, Mike. It's just... I felt different afterwards. After that first time, I just didn't feel like such a freak."

I waited for some kind of explanation from him, but he made no attempt to clue me in. I was just about to press him when he turned to me. "You think it had anything to do with her?" he questioned. "Or was it just the sex?"

That one made me think for a minute. My first time had been kind of awkward. I'd been seeing her for about three months, and we ended up going our separate ways two days after we slept together. Of course, we knew it was going to happen. She was only fifteen, and her parents were moving. She had to go with her family. It was sort of a bittersweet farewell. I never heard from her again. I never really expected to.

"I don't think she could've done the things she did to me if I didn't love her," I finally answered, somewhat nervously. I wasn't too sure I wanted to be talking about this. It was damn good ammo, if he ever wanted to use it against me. "Why do you ask, Mike?"

He shook his head and looked away. Suddenly, it dawned on me. "You thinkin' you and Rei?" I questioned, a little surprised. I knew he was talking to her, but I hadn't figured they were that close. My brother wasn't loose. He wouldn't be considering that kind of a relationship unless he was seriously in love with her… and I choked on that thought. It was awfully sudden.

He sighed and buried his face in his hands. "I don't know what I'm thinkin' right now, Raph," he mumbled. "I've got a lot on my mind."

I thought about that for a minute. "You love her?"

"I dunno," he answered. "I think so."

I sighed. "Don't do it if you don't. You'll just regret it."

He glanced over and shot me a knowing smile. "This coming from someone who's been laid by half the girls in any given bar in the state of New York?"

I wasn't quite sure how I felt about that statement in and of itself. But the fact that it was coming from my brother definitely made me a little nervous. "First time's different, Mikey," I justified. "Just trust me on that."

He sighed. "Yeah," he mumbled half-heartedly.

For a moment, he was silent. He was engrossed in thoughts I wasn't sure I wanted to know about. But I decided to risk it. Whatever it was he was thinking about, it was obviously pulling him back into that silent depression. "You okay?" I asked.

He breathed deep and closed his eyes. "You know, it's funny," he mumbled. "There's a part of me that still feels like... me, you know?"

I studied him carefully, saying nothing. He finally looked up and our eyes met. "I mean, there's this little part of me that still wants the same things I did before..." He hesitated. "...everything happened. Still values the same things, thinks the same way. And just... every so often when someone says something and I think of something funny to say back..."

He didn't finish that sentence. "But you don't say it," I reminded him.

"No," he answered. "I don't. And I don't know why. It's like I can't. It's not... a big enough part of me, you know? Or something like that. But it feels like... Every time I'm around her... it's like that part just keeps getting bigger. Every time I talk to her." He looked up and swallowed hard. "I feel like she's... I mean, I know it sounds crazy. But it's like she knows who I am. And I don't. Does that make any sense?"

I smiled and nodded. "Yeah, Mike. Believe me, it makes perfect sense."

He looked away. "I don't really understand it. It's just... the way I feel around her. And I'm wondering if this is what it feels like to fall in love."

Boy, he was really being honest. I understood the questions he'd asked me now. "I mean," he continued, sighing deeply. "I'm not, like, head over heels or anything weird like that." He looked up. "But I don't ever remember you being like that either. You didn't even tell anyone about her."

"Except you," I corrected.

"Because I asked," he reminded me.

"Splinter asked."

A surprised look crossed his face. "You lied to him?"

"No, I didn't lie," I answered quietly. "I just didn't answer. There's a big difference."

He smiled. "He would've known anyways," he reminded me. "He'd know just by the fact you didn't answer."

I nodded. "Yeah. But I learned a long time ago not to incriminate myself. It's easier to stand by 'I didn't do it' than 'I had a damn good reason'. Facts are easier to argue than philosophy."

"Facts," he repeated quietly. There was another long silence. "You know, I don't think I really know anything for sure anymore. Everything's relative now. Nothing's set in stone."

"Nothing ever was."

He looked up at me. I glanced up at the sky and guessed that it was probably getting pretty close to midnight. "I'd better get back," I mumbled. I flashed a smile at my brother. "Splinter's probably sitting up waiting for me."

"Sneak in quietly," he advised, grinning back at me.

"Ninja stealth," I confirmed. "The art of invisibility." I considered that for a moment. "'Course it doesn't ever seem to work with Sensei."

"He can smell you a mile away." Mike laughed. "Gotta be some advantage to being mutated into a rat."

I made my way to the fire escape. "You comin' home anytime soon?" I questioned. "Just in case he asks? Or did I not see you?"

He was quiet for a moment. "Between the two of us, I'll be back before noon."

I nodded and turned away. "And Raph?"

"Yeah?" I asked, spinning to face him as I backed away.

He forced a smile. "Thanks."

I stopped and stared at him, confused. "For what?"

"For... everything."

I smiled. The look on his face said everything his words could not. "Hey, I'm here for you, Mikey. Whatever you need. Let me know, bro."

He nodded. I left.

LEONARDO:

I knew Rei wanted to get out of the lair. That much had been evident for the past three weeks. But she, unlike Yukio, wouldn't just walk out and put herself in danger. She either had some common sense, or hated the idea of confrontation. Yukio and I certainly had enough confrontations. He was as bad as Raphael, though in a totally different way. He was much more manipulative. Raph would come out and say he wasn't going to tell me where he'd been. Yukio instead told me the name of a place, which I expected was a lie half the time, and went on about how difficult it was to live here and how he wished that he could go home and be a part of society. After a few minutes of that, I just wanted him out of my face.

Now, Yukio and Raphael were both gone. Surprisingly, Michaelangelo was missing too. That worried me, slightly, but Splinter said that he'd talked to him before he left and there was no cause for alarm. Donny and I were left with Rei, and her pacing made the decision for us. We went up to the surface.

We weren't gone for very long. But when we got back, we were met with a shock.