CHAPTER 9

I want to say that I am in NO way, shape, or form trying to make a point about law enforcement, specifically the NYPD, in this chapter. This is in no way based on fact or suspicion and I don't want to give the impression that it is. I think the cops in our country kick ass... and we'd be lost without them. ;) They have my respect, totally and completely.

REI:

I saw the still figure lying on the sand, and for a moment, I was worried. So worried, in fact, that I went downstairs and out the sliding glass doors. A cool breeze met me, and I crossed my arms over my chest and shivered.

He had headphones on, I saw as I approached. Music was still playing through them, so he couldn't have been here for long. I sank to my knees and touched his shoulder, not wanting to startle him if he was awake. He didn't move.

I glanced over my shoulder, making sure no one was watching me from a window. Yes, I was paranoid. I had dealt with my brother's overprotective lecturing for long enough to know what would set him off. This was definately one of those things. Not that I was doing anything really wrong. But the fact that I was out of bed at one in the morning would alarm him.

I lay down on the sand, on my stomach, and rested my head on my forearms. It was the same position that Michaelangelo had assumed, a few inches away from me. I studied him for a moment, and then closed my eyes. After a few moments, the faint, robotic-sounding music faded. Then, without warning, he bolted upright. My eyes flew open. "{It's okay, Michaelangelo,}" I assured him. "{Don't panic, it's only me.}"

"{What do you want?}" he demanded roughly. For a moment, I was caught off guard.

I turned onto my back. I was already sore, and craning my neck like this wasn't helping. "{I don't want anything, Mike. I just... saw you out here and I wanted to check and see if you were okay.}"

He studied me for a moment, and relaxed. "{I'm fine,}" he finally informed me. His voice held a softer tone, but he didn't move.

I smiled. "{I can see that.}"

For a moment, it was quiet. I cringed as I rubbed the tense muscles in my shoulder. I wasn't trying to tell him anything, but he noticed it. "Sore?" he asked, reverting to English. He seemed more comfortable with that language.

"A little," I admitted.

I opened my eyes and looked at him. "Turn around," he ordered.

"What?"

"On your stomach."

I studied him for a moment. He said nothing; his face was expressionless. Slowly, I turned onto my stomach. The sand underneath us shifted as he moved toward me. I felt his icy cold fingers touch my skin and jerked. He laughed quietly. "Heh. Sorry 'bout that."

Even though his fingers were like ice, his palms were warm. He massaged at my shoulders, around the spaghetti strap top, gently at first and then harder. I moaned quietly.

"Too hard?"

"No, it feels good," I murmured back.

He dug his thumbs into the muscle between my shoulder blades and moved up slowly, to the base of my skull. I smiled. "You're pretty good at this."

He didn't answer for a long time. "I used to... do this for a friend of mine."

I could sense more than hear the warning tone. He was defensive. He must have been dreaming. I wasn't sure I wanted to know what about.

MICHAELANGELO:

"Why don't you train like your brothers do?"

I considered that for a moment, eyes closed. We were still on the beach, and we'd been here for almost an hour now. Well, I'd probably been here a lot longer than that. But I'd been asleep an hour ago. "I dunno," I admitted into my arm. "I used to."

"Why did you stop?"

It wasn't really the first time I'd been faced with the question. I'd been asking myself for months. Not to mention trying to hold back my brothers. Especially Leo. His training was so much a part of him, I didn't think he could live without it. But I was different. It was so much more to me now than it had ever been before. It wasn't just staying in shape and being part of the group anymore.

"I just... didn't see any point to it anymore," I lied, trying to hold back the memories that were rushing back. There was a reason. So much bigger than I cared to admit.

"Why?"

The memories came stronger, and I shuddered.

I hold him to the wall by his shoulders. I can feel the rage boil inside of me. "You killed her," I growl.

He stared at me with a cold defiance. "What the hell do you care, freak?"

In one quick move, faster than he can even think to react, his neck snaps and I throw him to the floor, grabbing my nunchucks as I spin to face the room full of advancing thugs. They're all dead. Every one of them. They just haven't realized it yet.

I opened my eyes and stared at Rei. "People change," I whispered, trying to answer her question with as little emotion as possible. Scattered memories were flooding to my mind. They had no order in particular that they belonged in. Any word, any thought, could lead to a painful scene. I squeezed my eyes closed and tried desperately to make it stop.

"Yeah, but... to change something that's so much a part of you? Why would you even want to do that?"

I feel a slight buzz, a burning anger... a confusion. I kneel next to the bleeding, lifeless body, and realize that it's a child. How old is he? He can't be more than fifteen. I feel for a pulse, but he's gone. Hands shaking, I drop my weapons on the alley floor. I cry, tears mingling with his blood. It shouldn't be like this. It should've been me...

"It was a lot of things," I whispered. "One night everything just kind of... came apart. And I spent a few weeks trying to put the pieces back together, but it just got worse. So I gave up."

She shifted and turned on her side, her arm holding her head up. "And it was because of the martial arts?"

I considered that for a moment and shook my head slightly. "Knowledge alone can't make you do something wrong."

She was quiet. "Something violent?" she finally asked.

I drop to my knees, blood dripping from my weapons. An expression of horror is frozen on her face, a pillowcase still wrapped around her neck. "No!" I sob, feeling no pulse in her wrist. "Oh, god, no! Don't do this! This can't be happening!"

It's a dream. It has to be. I need to wake up. Why can't I wake up! I pull her hand to my face. It's already growing cold. "Don't leave me!" I beg. "Please!"

"Yes," I choked, squeezing my eyes closed. "Violent."

She ran her fingers lightly over my upper arm. "What did you do?" she questioned.

Tears burned as they fell from my eyes. "It was more... who I was than what I did," I whispered.

"Why?" she asked. "Who were you?"

That I knew I shouldn't tell her. But something inside of me wanted to. Badly. Some hidden emotion screamed that it was way past time to get this off my chest. All of it. I wasn't sure that was a good idea. "I was..." I hesitated.

"How could you do that Mike! How the hell could you turn your back on her like that! Your so fucking irresponsible!"

I hang my head, unable to speak, unable to defend myself. There's nothing I can say. "Raph, I don't think..."

"Shut the fuck up, Donny! Don't you realize what he's done?"

He spins back to me. "You have no honor, Mike! God damn you!"

"...irresponsible. And dishonorable."

She seemed shocked. "I don't believe that, Mikey."

"Believe it," I assured her.

"You know, being irresponsible doesn't necessarily make you dishonorable."

I see the news van from a half-mile away. "The press?" the one-shot partner sitting next to me asks cautiously. "I don't think it's wise to..."

"Hey, no sweat, dude," I grin. "She's a friend."

I lean out the window as we pull up right beside her. "Yo April, lookin' for a lift?"

She turns and smiles brightly. "Michaelangelo? What are you doing here?"

"It does when people die," I whispered quietly.

She was quiet for a moment. "People like who?"

If my voice dropped any lower, I knew she wouldn't be able to hear me. "People who trust you," I breathed, cringing at the honesty of the words.

"I don't know who you are, but you're going to be on the eleven o'clock news!"

"No, you are... Under late breaking flashes!"

He shoots at her, thin beams of energy exploding at her feet. She jumps back, instinctively trying to shield the camera. I can feel my blood boil as he takes aim again. In a flash, I have my grappling hook. "Hey zap-dude, how come you pick on defenseless dudettes?" I yell at him, attracting his attention.

It gives her a chance to get away. But she doesn't get far enough. I throw the line toward him, but he deflects it with another beam of energy. Before I can attack, he's shooting at her again. This time, he hits the metal tower behind her. She screams and runs a few steps, but as she realizes that the tower is crumbling on top of her, she stands frozen in place, staring at it.

"April, look out!"

I run at her, catching her waist and tumbling head over heels as the tower crashes loudly to the ground. "You okay?" I ask as I push myself up with my arms.

"I think so," she slurs, holding her head. "Thanks, Mikey."

"Just chill out and don't move."

"People that place their lives in your hands," I whispered. "And you turn your back on them, and allow them to be killed."

A concerned look crossed her face. "You can't save everyone, Mikey. You should know that."

I looked away, feeling the familiar stinging at the backs of my eyes. "I could've saved her. If I hadn't left, I could've saved her."

Suddenly, I realized how close I was to totally breaking down. Part of me was horrified, that I'd allowed this conversation to get so far. But at the same time, the need for release was becoming unbearable. This pain, this anger, had become a part of me over these past few months. And I didn't want it there. I didn't want to feel this way anymore.

I could remember a time when I didn't live with pain. A time when I didn't realize it could exist. Even through tragedy, and threat of tragedy, we'd always had each other. But I was so alone right now, I was amazed that I had survived this long. My world was shattered, every hope and dream, and the fragments of my once-lived life were kicked carelessly to the side, in an effort to get them out of sight. Because they were memories. They reminded me, and they reminded those around me. They stirred hate and anger, bitter failure and the resulting loss.

They reminded me of her...

The woman stands back as we look over the pile of thugs. "Wow, weird lookin' dudes," I observe.

"Yeah and they dress funny too," Raph smirks.

She finds her voice as the shock of being jumped wears off. "I don't know who you are... but thanks."

We step into the light and she gasps, taking a small step back. "You're... you're not human!"

Raphael grins as he replaces his weapons. "Bingo," he mumbles. "Wow, we're dealin' with a real mind here."

"You're... you're turtles!"

I shove my nunchucks back into their place on my belt. "Yep," Donatello answers. "So we are."

She suddenly seems unsteady on her feet. "I can't handle this..."

She collapses to the ground. We all stare at each other for a moment. I kneel next to her and study her face a little more closely. "Aw, she's no fun," I mumble, slightly disappointed. "She fainted."

"You know," Don starts hesitantly. "There's something strangely familiar about her. Like I've seen her somewhere."

I brush her red hair out of her closed eyes and smile. She's pretty.

I shook my head, forcing the memory aside. It was different now. Everything was different. When I saw her face in my dreams, it was cold and lifeless, smeared with blood and agonizing pain. My insides clenched. Hot tears burned my cheeks. And for the thousandth time in the past four months, one-hundred-twenty-eight horrific days, I wished I was dead. It should've been me. I had no right to be alive.

"She was a friend wasn't she."

It wasn't a question. I wondered how much Rei already knew. I hoped she knew nothing. I prayed she hadn't heard it already, from somewhere else. The real story. The true story. God, take me now...

"Three months ago," I whispered, choking on the words. "It made big news..."

"Police are not commenting on allegations that the department could be connected to a New York City murder. An anonymous caller phoned 9-1-1 from inside April O'Neil's apartment last night. When police arrived, they found her strangled to death. Seven men were also found dead in the apartment. While the cause of death has not officially been determined, investigators say many of them may have died from blunt trauma. O'Neil's neighbors say the murder is a strange coincidence after a recent story by the former Channel 6 news reporter, exposing ties between the police department and a large Manhattan gang known as the Ryders..."

"April O'Neil was killed. You remember that?"

"I was in Japan three months ago, Mikey," Rei whispered.

I cringed. "It... It even made CNN," I struggled. "She had just done a report on... this gang. And they..." I breathed deep, trying to get a grip. I wasn't sure how much sense this was going to make. It was all one long nightmare in my mind. "The police didn't want her doing the report. It was... a really big story. This gang had all these police connections and they obviously didn't want everyone to know that. Bad for image, you know?"

She said nothing, but I felt her hand rest lightly on my arm. "She went public with it anyways. And it was a big story. It was that one break she'd always been looking for. But it backfired on her big time because the gang... started threatening her. And the police wouldn't do anything about it."

"They're looking into it," she relays sarcastically. "That's all they say. It's like they don't even care that my life is being threatened."

"Judging by the fact that you exposed them as being incredibly corrupt, that doesn't surprise me," Don informs.

April is close to tears. "I need your help, guys."

I leave the room and head for the kitchen. I can hear Leo promise our help as I open the fridge and grab a can of Mountain Dew. I know she's being dramatic. And even if she isn't... we can handle it. No sweat. No need to worry.

"She stayed with us for about a month. It just about drove her crazy." I couldn't help but smile through the tears as I remembered her frustration at having to live with four teenage guys. "So finally she couldn't take anymore and she went back up. And we figured... if her apartment hadn't been touched and everything... we weren't sure they knew where she lived. But we decided that the first few nights would be the most dangerous. When she went back to work and all. She'd been offered a job with the network. So that's where she went. And we watched her and there was no sign of anything wrong for about two weeks. So we figured she was okay and told her to call if she noticed anything weird."

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. Rei was listening silently, gently massaging my shoulder. I swallowed hard. Why was I telling her this? I hadn't told anyone all of this before... though that was probably because everyone in my life already knew.

"I was the only one home when she called," I whispered. "She told me she was hearing things; she was afraid. So I went up, and looked around just to make her feel better. There was nothing. Didn't look like anyone'd been there. So I went into her apartment."

"There's no one here, April."

"Mikey, I'm not crazy!"

"Hey, chill babe!" I laugh, holding up my hands in protest. "I didn't say you were crazy. I just said whoever or whatever you saw, it ain't here now."

She's pacing. "Mike, I'm scared."

I study her for a minute, and sigh. "You want me to stay with you tonight?" I offer.

Her tired eyes meet mine. "Would you?"

I smile. "'Course. Just point me in the direction of your phone so I can let everyone know where I'm at."

"I told her I'd stay, and I called back here to let my brothers know where I was. Talked to Raphael; he wanted to know if he needed to come up. I told him no, that I was fine. It didn't look like it was anything, but if it was, I could handle it. Real cocky son of a bitch, you know? I just didn't think anything was gonna happen. That's what it all came down to. I never took anything seriously, and this was no different. If I'd thought there was a threat, I would've asked him to come up. But I had no idea..."

She's asleep. On the couch, for that matter. I don't want to turn on the TV or I'll wake her. I don't want to wake her up. When she doesn't get enough sleep, she gets jumpy. That's probably the only reason I'm here in the first place.

I stand and walk to the fridge. There's nothing to eat except... hmm... what's that? Yuck. Leftover surprise. I'll pass. I close the door. I could order a pizza. And I could have it delivered, too. I glanced over at April. Except I'd have to wake her up for that. I couldn't very well answer her door and pay the guy. I sigh and walk to the balcony, opening the doors. I look around again, for any signs of danger. It's still and dark. Down on the street, cars are passing a pizza shop. Vinny's. They know me there. If I go to the back door, I don't need a disguise. I glance at the clock. It's almost ten. I could be down there and back in five minutes...

"I left her there," I choked. "I left her, knowing that she could be in danger. It just... danger didn't really mean anything to me then. I'd never thought about... death or pain or... what danger really was."

"Why did you leave?" Rei whispered.

"To go get a pizza."

Pain shot through me as the words escaped my lips. I'd sacrificed her life... for a goddamn pizza. "And when I came back she… she was dead."

I freeze, feeling as if my blood has suddenly turned to ice. It takes less than a second for me to take in the scene. She's on the couch, and one look tells me everything. I struggle for air, and feel like I'm going to be sick. The men turn to me, and produce knives. Instinct screams at me to reach for my weapons, but I can't move. My hands are shaking.

"She'd been… raped and strangled. I didn't even think I was… gone that long."

I couldn't stop the tears. I broke, sobbing into the space between the ground and my arms. "They wrote on the goddamn walls," I sobbed, "with her blood. They wrote her report, word for word."

"Oh, god, Mike."

I wanted to curl up and die. But what then? What good would that do? I'd feel this pain forever, whether I was alive or dead. "And I panicked," I gasped. "Because I knew what I'd done. And I lied about it and made it even worse when they found out a few days later."

His cold, determined look warns me of the words to come. "You turned your back on her," he whispers harshly. "She needed you, and you left her there."

I look away. "Leonardo please..."

I'm begging. I don't quite understand what I'm asking for. He can't take the pain away even if he wanted to. "I want you to leave."

"They disowned me," I whispered. "Literally. I'm not a part of this family anymore. I... tried to leave but... where the hell was I gonna go? The only friend I had outside of my brothers was... dead."

Staring down at the ice-cold knife. Running it lightly over the inside of my wrist. Do I really want to do this? It doesn't matter. I deserve it. I don't deserve to live. And I have nowhere to go. I press a little harder, and draw blood. I hardly feel the pain. "Michaelangelo."

I look up. My grip on the dagger tightens. I could end it. One slice, and it would be over. No more pain. No more of this torment. But his look stops me. "Michaelangelo, come home."

"I have no home."

Tears stream from my eyes. I can feel the blood trickle slowly down my arm. "Come home, my son."

"I'm not your fucking son!" I scream. Unbridled fury guides my hand and the dagger is hurled at him. He catches it effortlessly. I collapse on the cold floor of our former lair, the home I grew up in. Shaking, crying, I feel his hand rest on my head. "Now, come home," he whispers softly.

"I just wanted to die. But Splinter stopped me. Then he told everyone and they all started trying to act nice. But it was so fake, you know? I knew they didn't really mean it. They hated me. They still do."

The words faded into nothingness, and I buried my face in my arms, crying silently. After a long silence, Rei finally spoke. "I don't believe that."

I sighed as I sat up, wiping my eyes with the heel of my palm. "Rei, why would I lie to you?"

"No, I mean I don't believe that your brothers hate you. You're wrong."

I shook my head. "Don't, Rei. I don't need a pep talk."

She placed her hand on my shoulder and turned my face to her. "Mike, I'm serious!" she cried. "How could you think that?"

"It's easy, Rei," I assured her. "You don't know what kind of an impact her death had on us." I dropped my head and stared down at the sand. "Her murder," I corrected quietly.

"Michaelangelo, you did not murder her," Rei informed me. "Has that ever occurred to you?"

I stared at her, wiping my eyes again to clear my vision. "Rei, you don't understand."

"I do understand," she protested. "I understand that you've been letting guilt destroy you for months and it's something you didn't even..."

"I should have been there, Rei!" I yelled standing up. The pain in my chest was like fire, and getting far too hot for my comfort. I wanted to get out of here. I needed to get away from this. She didn't even realize what she was doing to me, but she was going to kill me. "They would not have been able to kill her if I'd been there!"

She stood in front of me and placed both hands on my cheeks, stopping me from running away. Without warning, she kissed me, holding me to her and preventing my escape. I felt the angry fire die, and sadness flooded through me again. The mix of emotions was becoming too much to bear.

She pulled away slowly. I could feel the saline tears streaming down my face again. She brushed them away with her thumbs. "Please, Rei," I begged, though I wasn't entirely sure what I was asking for.

She called me on it. "Please what?" she whispered. "What can I do? You know I'll do anything I can."

The sadness overwhelmed me and I felt as if I were going to collapse. I threw my arms around her and buried my face in her hair. "Make it stop," I sobbed, even though I knew she couldn't. "Oh, god, make this nightmare stop."