Chapter 2 - Meanwhile in Sunnyhell
Of course, after a shift at the Doublemeat Palace, I don't smell anything. That's the worst part. At least with demon slime, you know it's there. The greasy smell of meaty goodness just creeps up on you while you're not paying attention. I turn on the shower, and let my clothes drop to the floor. The water feels good, warm and comforting. The shower gel is new too. There was a time when I used something that smelled good. Vanilla was my favourite. Now, it's the special one that's designed to kill lingering odours. I heave a sigh of relief - not much longer.
The job at the school starts in two weeks. I only need to give a week's notice at the Palace, but the question is, can I afford to go without the extra week's money? A quick mental calculation tells me what I suspected. No. It's not the regular bills that are the problem, it's getting Dawn kitted out for school, and then, of course, I'm going to need some new things too. Any old thing is good enough for under my uniform, but, if I'm working at the school, I'm going to have to look a little more professional. I think my way through my wardrobe.
There's the slaying wardrobe, then there's what I wear to work. Mainly that's the older end of the slaying wardrobe. The rest is the 'Buffy at Play' wardrobe, and, while some of it can be adapted to work, the strappy tops and short skirts are probably not a good idea. I remember only too well the workings of the male High School student's mind from the time I could hear their thoughts. No, I need something a little more …. Modest.
I start to soap my hair, and I think back to the incident just before my shift ended. There was something strange about that man. He backed down just too quickly. Of course, this is the Hellmouth, so nothing is really strange, but still. Even stranger was the other feeling I had. It was that prickling in the back of my neck that signalled Spike. I feel all vampires, of course, but Spike's signal has always been unique. I haven't felt that since … , no, don't think about that. He wasn't there, I know he wasn't, so why did I sense him? It's not as though he hasn't been on my mind all summer.
It's been the one cloud on the horizon. Even with my worry about Willow, it's been there. Dawn and I have been good this summer. We've spent time together, and we've talked. We talked about most things. We even talked about Spike. I explained some of the background. I couldn't bear her thinking he was a monster because of what happened in the bathroom. I told her how I treated him, well, the edited highlights, PG version. I told her that what he did that night was just like what I did to him several times before. I told her that I had driven him to lose all hope, and that's why my 'no' didn't filter through until I pushed him away. I told her that the expression on his face would have broken my heart if I hadn't still been angry at him. I told her my words to him. "Ask me again why I can never trust you."
I didn't realise it at the time. It was only afterwards that it dawned on me. His actions that night left me feeling betrayed. His disappearing right afterwards did the same. It was only when everything was over, when Willow had been stopped and I had a chance to think, that I realised that you can't be betrayed by someone you don't trust.
I realise that the water is getting cold. I've been in the shower longer than I intended. I turn off the water, and pull a towel round my head, drying my hair. I'm surprised to find water on my face even though my hair's no longer dripping, and I glance in the mirror to see the tears that have been falling. It's always the same. Every time I think of how I treated him, how I drove him away, it hurts. That's the one thing I haven't shared with Dawn. She knows I'm sad, but she doesn't know how much it hurts. I know it hurts her too that he left, and I can't add to her sorrow. Because I know it's my fault he left.
I pull on some clean clothes and head downstairs to start dinner. Xander'll be over soon. It's been good to see him so much lately. With Anya gone and Willow in England, he's been eating here most evenings. That's why he offered to decorate the main bedroom for me. I decided to move in there. I don't know where Willow's going to want to live when she gets back, and if she wants to come back here, that'll be fine. But, I'll take the larger room, and she can have the one I've always had. I tell myself it's because the other room will have bad memories for her, but in truth, it's because my room has bad memories for me. I've spent all summer in there thinking about Spike, worrying about Spike and dreaming about Spike. I'm hoping, a new room and a new job will mean a new me.
As I dress, I mentally push thoughts about Spike to the back of my mind. Dawn doesn't need to know I've been crying, and any comment about Spike is like a red rag to a bull with Xander. I've tried to explain to him, tried to make him understand that Spike wasn't a monster that night, but it's too much. Xander hated Spike so much before, there is no way he'll ever be convinced. His comments hurt me, but I've needed him this summer. I've needed his inane conversation and crazy schemes to keep my guilt about Spike at bay.
Dawn is getting some salad ready when I get to the kitchen, and I pull out the pasta, and start to throw a sauce together. I'm not up to much in the kitchen, but a basic sauce to go with pasta is well within my capabilities.
"How are my girls today?" I hear, and Xander waltzes in. He's still hurting about Anya, I know he is, but his way of dealing with pain has always been playing the clown. So, that's what he's doing.
"It's Friday, and I got paid. What do you girls think about going to a movie? Nothing too girlie, mind, I've got a reputation to maintain, after all. Not that it'll do me any harm to be seen around town with two lovelies like you."
Dawn jumps up and starts throwing names of movies at him. I don't know how she does it, but she always knows just what's showing. I smile at her enthusiasm, and catch Xander's eye. He loves the attention. I wonder how much that has to do with Xander's hatred of Spike. There was a time when Xander was very important to Dawn, and that changed when Spike started to help. I know she still cares about Spike, but she has the sense not to let Xander know that, and the giddy, girlish excitement is good for Xander. They go into the lounge, still arguing, and I leave them to it.
The kitchen seems still and quiet. I know they're still at it in the other room, but I'm able to blank that out. I freeze as I sense him again. It's the tingling, the one that always meant he was near. It's still daylight, so he can't be outside, lingering under the tree like he used to. Despite knowing that, I go outside and have a look around. No smoking vampires in evidence. I go back inside, but the feeling's still there. It's like he's in the room with me, except I know he's not. I can feel anger rising. I don't want to feel this. I don't need this. My life's changing for the better, and I want to forget what a bitch I've been.
"Spike, are you here?" I hear myself saying the words, and don't remember deciding to utter them. I stand very still, and I feel him. I feel the love he has for me, and I know he's there, except he isn't. I don't understand. A sudden thought comes to me. Could it be a ghost I'm sensing? Does that mean he's dead? I drop the spoon I had in my hand. The jingling sound wakes me from the reverie I had slipped into. "No," I tell myself. "It's not a ghost, and it's not Spike. You're just daydreaming, and it's got to stop."
Xander comes in to find out the source of the noise, and his chatter drowns any remnant of the feeling I had. I'm not altogether sad about that.
The evening progresses. We eat, and listen to Xander's stories about his day. It seems strange. Here, he's the same big child he's always been. At work, he seems able to become someone who other people respect and look up to. I know he's doing well. He's got his own team, and his boss relies on him. He told me his boss has a daughter, and that she's very pretty. His boss has made it clear that he would be happy if he would take an interest in that direction, but Xander says it's too soon. He's not interested in anyone but Anya, but no one knows where she is. She disappeared after Giles took Willow off to England, and we've not heard from her since. Not that Xander wants her now anyway. She's a demon, and he's made his views on that score perfectly clear many times. It's the fact that she chose to be a demon that hurt him most. He considers that to be an even greater betrayal than what he did on their supposed wedding day.
The film is entirely unmemorable. I know that's because I spend the whole time with Spike on my mind. I'm worried. I've though about him a lot all summer, but today's been worse than ever. If only I understood why I keep sensing his presence, maybe I could shut out the thoughts. But it was with me as I sat in the cinema. And with the tingling, came the memories. And, they're not all bad memories. There are times I remember with gratitude, there are even a few I remember with joy. If only I'd taken his feelings seriously. If only I'd given him the same priority as my other friends. When I think of my other friends, I realise we were all into making bad decisions last year. Except Tara, and she's gone. The less said about Willow the better. I know why she did what she did, but she killed. She would have ended the world if she could have. And Xander. Well, apart from the wedding that never was, there was the musical extravaganza thing. I mean, people died during that, and he was playing with something he didn't understand. Compared to them, what did Spike do?
Well, there was the whole demon egg thing. Of course, it didn't actually cause any deaths, thanks to Riley, but I never gave Spike the chance to tell me about that. The more I think about it, I can't believe that a vampire who killed two Slayers would just let the eggs hatch willy-nilly. He said he was doing a favour for a friend, and that seems more likely than him planning it for himself. I just accepted Riley's word for it, and I know only too well how much Riley liked Spike. Again, I let someone else's opinion get between me and understanding Spike. I want to tell him I'm sorry. I want to beg for another chance, but I'm starting to think he'll never come back.
As the film ends, there are tears on my cheeks. The lights go up, and Dawn looks at me suspiciously. Xander notices too, and says, "You must really have been laughing hard, Buffy. Glad you enjoyed it, you don't laugh enough. Glad the Xanman's been of use!"