Chapter 5 - News from an Unexpected Source

I sit on the back steps to think. I've always done that. I remember, when I was little, I would find somewhere like this to sit and be alone when I was upset about something. Of course, becoming the Slayer and coming to live in Sunnydale have both given me more problems than I would have guessed at. Funny thing is, it's not the slaying that's the problem at the moment. As usual, during the summer, things in Sunnydale have been quiet. I've managed to get away with patrolling just a couple of nights a week, and when I do patrol, I meet almost nothing.

Dawn's gone off to the Mall with Janice and her mother, and Xander's putting in some overtime. It's a day off, and there a million things I could be doing, but instead I'm just sitting here. I'm really feeling spooked by yesterday. I could feel Spike, really felt him near me. The presence seemed to be trying to comfort me, but I don't deserve comfort. Then, suddenly it was gone, and I missed it so much. Dawn knows something's wrong, but hasn't asked. She just looks at me, her face a question. I'll have to try to talk to her, but what can I say? "I felt Spike's presence," just sounds plain unlikely.

What's even more confusing, was the dream last night. I mean, dreaming of Spike, nothing unusual there. Normally when I dream of him, we're, well, doing things I'd rather not think about just now. Occasionally we're fighting, but in every dream, I hurt him. I always end up saying something, hurting him. Every time I see his face, and he's doing his best not to let me see how much I hurt him. But I know.

The dream last night was of Spike walking on a beach, in the sunshine. The sight was so incongruous, it even seemed that way in the dream. He looked… good. At peace. I realised I have rarely if ever seen him like that. The scene shifted, and he was in a garden. He didn't know I was there, and again the sun was shining. I couldn't see his face. There was a bird on the grass. Large, black and white - a magpie. I remember a rhyme I didn't realise I knew.

One for sorrow,

Two for joy,

Three for a girl,

Four for a boy,

Five for silver,

Six for gold,

Seven for a secret,

Never to be told.

A single magpie - one for sorrow. As I remembered that, I saw Spike's face change, and on it, his sorrow. It wasn't the raw emotion of that night in the bathroom. This was sadness that's bedded in somehow. This was sadness that's so much a part of the face, it would look naked without it.

I woke this morning with clear memories of the dream. It didn't seem like a Slayer dream, it didn't have the cryptic qualities I always associate with them. I've been trying to make sense of it. I mean, one part seems obvious. Spike's alone, and that's not good. The next part of the rhyme implies that when he's not alone, he'll be happy. But, if that includes me, I don't believe it. I just think too much has happened between us for us to be happy together. I doubt he'll be able to forgive himself for what happened in the bathroom any more than I'll be able to forgive myself for what I've done to him.

Despite everything I now know about myself, I also know that humans and demons don't mix. We're just incompatible. I know I fought that idea when Angel wanted to leave, but I now know he was right. If he hadn't gone, we would have split up anyway. Maybe he shouldn't have left when he did. If he had stayed, we would have reached the end of things, and I would have had no regrets. What he did, leaving like that, made sure I wasn't able to draw a line under my time with him. It left me comparing everyone with, not him, but my memories of him. And no one could compare to that. Not even Angel could compare with that.

I think back to my earlier call to Giles. He's been phoning once a week or so, just to let us know how things are. He seems remarkably upbeat about it all. Optimistic. I remember my last sight of Willow before they left. She was broken. I can't think of any other word to describe her. Losing Tara broke her emotionally, but what she did after, that broke her mentally and physically. How do you come back from that?

Needless to say, I didn't tell Giles I've been imagining Spike is back. I know he laughed after I told him I'd been sleeping with Spike, but that was kinda hysterical laughter. He didn't approve of Angel, and he had a soul. He'll never approve of Spike.

I've been brooding long enough. It's time I did something. Can't patrol in daylight, so I head for the basement. Xander salvaged what he could out of the Magic Box, and it's stored down there. Part of it has been set aside for me to train. There's not so much space as I had at the shop, but it's better than paying to use a gym. I mean, I couldn't afford it anyway, and I can do without the questions about how I can lift heavier weights than guys twice my size.

When I finish, I feel better. I go upstairs to shower and dress. It's still early, so I decide to go to the mall. I do need some new tops for my new job, and if I don't go now, I'll only regret it when I'm two days away from starting. Just as I'm due to leave the house, the phone rings. I run back to answer it, and it's Xander. He's going out this evening, someone's birthday and they're all going for a drink. Could be late. He apologises. I heave a sigh of relief.

I get a surprise at the mall. I mean, I'm half expecting to see Dawn, but the person I bump into is Anya. She looks embarrassed to see me, and initially pretends she didn't. I'm not having it, though, and I make sure she can't avoid me.

"Anya, good to see you," I start.

"Hello, Buffy." She's twiddling with her hair, an action which makes her seem uncharacteristically nervous.

I put a hand on her shoulder, and she smiles nervously at me.

"Fancy a coffee?" I ask.

She nods, and we head for the nearest outlet.

She claims a table while I order two mochas, and a few moments later I join her.

"So, where have you been? We were worried."

"Were you?" she looks at me in disbelief.

"Of course we were. I mean, you helped, did all you could to stop Willow, but when it was all over, you were gone. Why?"

"Just felt, I didn't belong any more. I mean, I'm not human now. I've been among you long enough to know how welcome non-humans really are."

I knew my face showed my feelings for a second, despite my attempts to hide them. Anya looked stricken.

"What's the matter, Buffy? Did I say something? I didn't mean, I mean, Xander used to always tell me to be careful what I said, but, I didn't think …"

"It's ok, Anya. What you see is my guilty conscience. That's all."

"It's about Spike, isn't it?"

I just nod, staring into my drink.

"Still not back, then?" she enquired.

I shook my head. It suddenly occurs to me that this is the one person I can talk to. Actually talk to without holding anything back.

"He will be." Her voice is reassuring. "He loves you."

"I thought so, at first, but now, I'm not so sure. It's been so long, and …"

"You love him."

It's a simple statement, and my head jerks up as she says it. "What? How?"

"I've always known, Buffy. You see, I can keep my mouth shut when I need to. I've known since, well, since just after you came back. It just took you a while to realise it. Then, you were different, too."

"Molecular sunburn, Tara called it."

"No, there's something else. It's hidden, I felt it instinctively when you came back, but wasn't quite sure what it was. When I became a demon again, I knew for sure."

I know what she's going to say, and I start to deny it. "You're wrong, I am still human. How can I be anything other than human? I'm Dawn's sister. How can she have a demon for a sister?"

"Buffy, I don't know what you are, but you're no more human than I am. Think about it. And, Dawn's not exactly your common or garden human either. I mean, physically, yes, she's human. But she's still the Key. She didn't stop being the Key after Doc bled her. I'd be very surprised if we've heard the last about the Key."

This isn't what I wanted to hear. I thought I'd find out how she was, get the chance to show her I'm glad she's back, and she throws this at me.

"I know what you're doing," I tell her. "You're afraid you won't be welcome any more because you're no longer human, but you think I'll still want you around if I think I'm not human either. Well, you're wrong. Demon or not, you were welcome back here, and I'd have considered you a friend right up to the time when you do some vengeance on someone I care about. But now, I just don't know you any more, Anya. It's like the Anya I knew is gone, and someone else is using her body."

I push my chair back roughly, hardly noticing that I almost end up with someone's latte down the back of my neck. I can't say any more, so I pick up my bag and run. I keep running, past shops and stores, not thinking of anything other than my need to get away, until I'm outside, and then I pause, wondering where to go. I hear someone calling my name, and I turn around, expecting to see Anya, but it's Dawn. She's running after me, and she looks worried. I start to move towards her.

"Buffy!" she calls. "What's the matter? You ran past us like there was a demon chasing you. We called you, but you didn't hear."

I don't speak, just hug my little sister. I know I'm crying, I can't help it. I know I'm scaring her, but right now, I'm too scared myself to help her. I'm scared, because deep down, I know Anya's right. I've known since I came back.

Dawn leads me back into the mall where Janice and her mother are waiting. I don't speak to them, but hear a whispered conversation. They agree to take me home, and bundle me into the back seat of Janice's mum's car. I can tell they're all worried, so I manage to mumble something about being ok. I just got a fright. Someone tried to take my purse, but I stopped them, and ran. It's not much of a story, but my brain's too full of other things to think of anything better.

We reach the house, and Dawn takes me to the door. I hear her promising to call if she needs something. I go inside and sit on the settee. I know I'm curled up, looking scared, but I don't feel able to unfurl myself. Dawn follows and sits opposite me. She's lost the initial panic she had in the mall, and now she looks worried and not a little angry.

"Ok, would you like to tell me what that's all about?"

I shake my head. I really don't feel like talking at all.

"Well, if you won't talk to me, I'll just have to call Xander. Maybe you'll tell him. 'Cos, you really wigged me. What happened to make you run like that? And why have you been acting so off recently?"

The threat of Xander makes me reconsider. He is so not the person I need to talk to right now.

"Ok," I agree, "but no Xander."

Ok, so, spill."

I remain silent for a few moments, then decide to start at the beginning.

"Friday, while I was still at work, I felt Spike. You know, the tingle I get with vampires, but it was definitely Spike. But he wasn't here. As far as I know, he's not in Sunnydale. It happened again later, after I got home. It threw me. I .. I kept remembering the things that happened. I 'spose it's guilt. He loved me and I did everything I could to hurt him. I was such a bitch."

Dawn nodded, but said, "Yeah, I know, but you already told me that. About you being a bitch anyway. But how could you feel him if he's not here? It must've just been your imagination."

She's right, I know it, but I was so sure at the time. I continue. "Today, at the mall, I met Anya."

This isn't what Dawn's been expecting, and she jumps to her own conclusion.

"You mean she was planning to get all vengeancy on you? Because of Spike? 'Cos, he wouldn't do that. She had to have tricked him. "

"No, Dawn, no vengeance. We just talked, or rather, she talked. She's been back a while, but didn't think she'd be welcome now because she's not human any more. I told her she was still a friend, that I didn't care whether she was human or not, and she told me some things I didn't want to hear. She .. she said that, as a demon, she knew I was one too. She said I had been, since I came back, but she was only sure once she was a demon again. I … I didn't take it too well. I said some things, accused her of saying it so she would be welcome again. I was so scared, I don't want to be a demon. But, I know she's right. I guess I've known it all along. That's why I asked Tara to check out the spell. I thought it was because of what was happening with Spike, but that's only a small part of it."

Dawn's just looking at me. I'm expecting to hear disgust from her, but she says nothing.

"Dawn, it's ok, tell me, tell me you hate me."

"Buffy, I don't hate you. Listen, who's the blob of green energy put into a teenage body by some weird monks? Who's been telling you all along that Spike would be good for you? You're my sister, that's all I know. You're difficult to live with, but I guess that goes for me, too. And I love you."

Then she's sitting next to me, and hugging me, and I'm hugging her back. I'm crying again, but they're tears of relief now.

"Listen, Buffy, I don't care what you are. But, if you're worried, if you've got to know, maybe you should talk to Giles. He'll know what to do."

I think about that, then shake my head. "Maybe later. He's got enough to worry about with Willow. Whatever I am, I've coped for a year, I can manage a bit longer."

She nods her agreement. Then her face lights up a bit. "Does this drama call for junk food?"

I laugh at her earnest expression. "Sure, Dawn. What d'ya want?"