Chapter 6 - A Witch and a Watcher

It's been a beautiful day. It's not the picture of England I had before. It's cooler now, but the day was warm. There's a beautiful salmon coloured sky to the west promising another day like today. The grass is green, and it's peaceful. Giles is close by. He's barely let me out of his sight since …. I mean, not at night, of course, but even then, I know he's near, and my bedroom has been 'treated' to absorb magical energy. He's been careful to tell me that it's not that he doesn't trust me, but he hasn't said anything else.

We're not alone here. There are others. I can't say they're friends. They're members of the coven that lent Giles the power to stop me. Sometimes they look at me, and I see hate. Other times, I see pity. I never see warmth. The only warmth I see is from Giles, and even that is muted. It's not the warmth of the days before …. Before my life ended.

That's how it felt, when I knew she was gone. It felt like I'd died too. Then, something else took over my body. I mean, I know it was me too. I know that, but that's not how it felt. The part of me that I recognised, that was numb. The part that did the things I did, the pain the I caused, it feels like it was someone else.

The time I've spent here is like being back at school. I've got a timetable that I have to follow each day. The house is large, and it's surrounded by huge grounds. There's an indoor pool, and that's where I start each morning. I have to swim until I feel almost unable to clamber out of the pool. It was all explained to me at the beginning. The treatment I have to undergo requires that my body is tired. I suppose it's a variation on brainwashing techniques, in that the mind is more malleable when the body is tired. But, it's all very humane. They're not trying to harm me, just to make sure that I can't be like that again. They explained that too. There were two options. I could either have my power removed, or I could be taught to use it for good, and conditioned to understand that some magics are simply too dangerous. Those in charge here wanted the former. Giles argued on my behalf. It's risky. Removing power that's deep within someone can destroy them. Giles spent the first two days after we arrived arguing for me. Even now, I know that the others think he was wrong, and I know that if I fail again, there will be no reprieve for me.

After the swim, I shower and dress for breakfast. After that, I go to one of several rooms that are used for my 'treatment'. There is a whole range of treatments that I undergo. Some sessions just require me to go through my actions after Tara died. I don't mean describe them, I mean re-enact them. I'm put into a trance, and I literally relive those hours. These sessions always end with me sobbing. I can hardly believe what I did. The pain I caused. The fact that I killed, and would have continued to kill, until there was nothing left.

Another daily session requires meditation. It's the closest I get to a rest during the day. I have to concentrate on my inner self. I'm being taught to recognise the various parts of my personality, so that if the parts responsible for what happened ever try to resurface, I can quash them.

Another session is based on earth magic. It's intensive and it allows me to pull on the purest of all magic. This is the magic that cannot be perverted. This is the magic of healing and growth. It's the magic that Tara's power was rooted in.

These are the regular events in my day. Other events happen on a given day, never to be repeated. I've lost count of the number of people who have come to listen to me, to lay their hands on me, or to talk to me. Their faces are a blur, and the lessons they have taught me unclear. I think that is as it is meant to be. I think they are planting seeds which will only grow when needed.

I meet Giles at meal times, and during the second last session of the day. That's where we are now. We've eaten, and I'm allowed to spend an hour with Giles. We're walking in the grounds of the house, and he's listening. Not that I've got a lot to say, but he's listening. I look at my watch and know that I'm due to get back to the pool soon. The regime of twice daily swimming has improved my fitness beyond memory. I mean, for someone who hated anything to do with physical education at High School, I've still stayed pretty fit. I mean, you can't help the Slayer otherwise. But now, well, I'm way beyond what I was. And it has one real benefit - I'm so tired that sleep comes easily, at first anyway.

Of course, after the initial exhaustion wears off, I often lie awake for hours, remembering. Thinking about Tara and the fact that I'll never see her sweet face again. That I'll never touch her again.

Other nights I think about what I tried to do. I think about the people I hurt. I mean, Buffy and Dawn and Xander. When I think of this, I'm almost glad Tara didn't see what I did. That would have hurt her so much. And, I think I could have hurt her, too in the end.

I've been so lost in my own thoughts that I haven't paid any attention to Giles. I look at him, and realise he's got something on his mind.

"What's up?" I ask.

"I'm that obvious, am I?"

"Well, not so obvious. I mean, it's taken me, what, forty minutes to work out you want to say something? Sorry, just thinking."

"Well, I need to ask you how you feel about going back."

I didn't expect that. Not tonight. I mean, I know that, sooner or later, I've got to get back to my life. And Sunnydale's my home. It's where my parents are, and it's where my friends are - if they're still my friends. I don't see how they could be. Well, maybe I can, but only just. I mean, they accepted Angel back into the fold after the whole Angelus thing. But it was never the same. I know I felt it too. Buffy was the only one who forgave him completely. The rest of us accepted him for Buffy's sake, except Xander who never really accepted him at all.

Think how Buffy and Xander have been with Spike. I mean, he's never tried to end the world. Sure he killed, mainly for food, but, he actually helped to stop Angelus ending the world, and that was before the chip or anything. But he's not part of the team. He never will be. And, if they can't forgive him for crimes against strangers, for things he's done to us, how can they ever forgive me? How can I ever forgive me?

The one thing I can't regret is Warren. I know it's my feelings on that subject that have given the coven the greatest pause. They expect me to regret killing the man who murdered the woman I loved. A woman who was worth the whole world. But I can't. So, I'm surprised that going back is on the cards yet.

"I don't know," I answer.

Giles smiles encouragingly. "I understand you're not sure. But, you have to do it eventually. The coven believes that you'll only overcome your final problems when you are home. They recommend that you re-enrol at college. They want you to keep up with the physical activity, and reintroduce yourself to a social life. How does that sound?"

I think about that. "Going back to school sounds good. I mean, reading, using my brain, that's always been something that makes me feel good. Learning. Yeah, I can do that. Swimming? I guess so." I shrug. I'm getting to the bit I'm not at all sure about.

"You're worried about the others?"

"Yeah," I whisper.

"Would it help to know that I've had almost daily calls, some in the middle of the night, from Xander? That boy can't seem to remember for more than a couple of minutes at a time that we're nine hours ahead of him here. He's been pestering me, wanting to talk to you. Wanting to know when you're coming back."

I take this in. I smile, slightly. "Math was never his strong point. Not that he had a strong point academically. I mean, he's clever, I know he is, but not that way."

I realise he's only mentioned one person. "What about Buffy?"

"Well, I've spoken to her, of course. She always asks about you. I think…, I think she's been dealing with some things too. She hasn't talked about it to me. Almost as if she's trying to spare me, and to be honest, I've been so involved here, I've had to leave it. But, I'd like to go back. I'd like to talk to her, face to face. I'd like to know how she's doing."

I don't know what else I can say. I've got to get on with my life some time. I know that. I just don't feel ready, but something inside me tells me I'll never feel ready.

She's so different. When I look at the young woman in front of me, I feel she is the third Willow I've known.

I first knew her at High School. She was quiet, studious, and had little self confidence. She changed slowly over those years. Spending time with the Slayer, having to think on her feet, life and death situations. All these changed her. Her confidence grew and she was a lovely young woman. Had those changes stopped just there, she would have been perfect. If I'm truthful, I've often wished I was younger, and could offer her something worth her acceptance.

The changes didn't stop. Self confidence became arrogance. Fighting for good became fighting for what she wanted. Yet, when I left Sunnydale last year, I had no idea how far the changes would go.

Part of the reason for my blindness was Tara. Everything I knew about her said she would be a steadying influence. I had absolute confidence that she would keep Willow from sinking too deep into reliance on magic that can only corrupt. And, I believe my judgement in that was essentially correct. Tara did try to stop Willow's excessive use of magic. Perhaps she let it go too far before she acted, but that's understandable. How do you tell someone you love that they're falling into a pit of their own making? It's a difficult decision to make, and should only be attempted when one is certain of one's facts.

And yet, I believe Tara's intervention would have been successful. But for Warren Meers, Willow would have come back from the brink and continued to grow in strength and character.

All of that changed because of one insignificant man. A man of intellect, certainly, but one so wrapped up in his own importance, that he believed the world owed him whatever he wanted. He wanted to be some sort of super-criminal, and Buffy stopped him. So, like a spoiled child, he had to hit the person who had wounded him. He went after Buffy with a gun, and managed to kill Tara. She was an innocent bystander, not in his sights, and she died.

I understand what happened to Willow. I felt the same things, wanted the same things after Jenny was murdered by Angelus. I never forgave him for that. I tolerated him for Buffy's sake, but to this day, I would take the greatest pleasure in making him suffer for several days or even weeks before staking him.

I was only able to pull back from such a course because of years of experience. I have seen my own dark side, and I let it lead me for a while, but in the end I fought it. It's something I'm still fighting, but over the years it has become easier.

Willow didn't have that experience. She had only started to subdue her darker nature, and faced with the sorrow from Tara's loss, she had no defences.

The Willow I see this evening looks older than her twenty-two years. She looks tired, and not just physically. I know she doesn't sleep well. I know she's still plagued by dreams. But, it's more than that. It's as if she no longer feels she has a role in life. That's why I've asked the coven to agree to her going home. Legally, they cannot force her to remain here, but they take their responsibilities very seriously. They will not allow her freedom with her powers intact if they think she is a risk to others. It has taken days of persuasion on my part, and the promise that I will stay close to her before I obtained their agreement.

She looks surprised when I ask her how she feels about going home. Surprised and not a little apprehensive. She brightens visibly when I suggest she goes back to college. Study has always been a recreation rather than a chore for Willow. Picking up her social life is a different story. She looks pleased when I tell her how often Xander has asked when she's coming back. I won't lie to her, though. Buffy hasn't seemed too interested. She asks in passing when we talk, but seems content for Willow's exile to last as long as necessary.

I know that everything is not well with my Slayer. Whatever it is, Xander has no idea. I sense that relations between Buffy and Dawn are better, and that's good. If I didn't know better, I'd suspect Buffy's introspection was something to do with Spike, but I know he has not returned. That is something I would expect Xander to tell me, and one subject I wouldn't even object to hearing about in the early hours of the morning.

I go on to explain that the coven has recommended that she live with me for the time being. I tell her that it will be easier for her to get back into her life if she has someone on hand to talk to. Someone who knows what has happened here. Someone who understands.

I can see in her eyes that she knows the real reason. She knows I am her guarantor. She knows she will be on trial.

"So, when do we go?"

"Well," I reply. "It'll take a few days to get a flight organised. I've managed to get an agreement from a friend in Sunnydale that we can use an apartment for a few months at least. It's quite spacious, it has two large bedrooms, and two bathrooms. We'll only have to share the lounge and kitchen, so we should get along well enough."

She nods, agreeing to something over which she knows she has no choice.