Chapter 10 - Recriminations Part 2

"Xander, just stop!" I'm shouting at him. He's got this look of total disbelief on his face, and I really want to hit him.

"Why didn't you let me talk to him? He needs to know to stay away from both of you. Tell me where he is, and I'll make sure he never bothers either of you again."

"If it hadn't been for Spike tonight, Buffy would be dead! Is that what you want?"

"And I'll bet, if it hadn't been for Spike tonight, Buffy wouldn't have been hurt. How do you know he didn't do that? Or that he didn't get one of his demon friends to do it?"

"He just didn't, ok? You can ask Buffy when she's better, but if all you're going to do is complain about Spike, then maybe you'd better just go."

His expression changes from one of anger to one of bewilderment and hurt.

"How can you take his side in this? Remember what he tried to do before he left? You can't forgive him for that. Buffy never will."

"She has, or at least, she says there's as much for him to forgive as there is for her."

He obviously doesn't believe me.

"Look, Dawn, I know you think Spike was your friend, but he showed otherwise. He tried to rape Buffy. Maybe when you're older you'll understand just how low that makes him. But you've got to know that you can never trust him again."

I know I'm shaking my head, but I'm also having problems making my voice work. He thinks I'm just a child, that I can't understand why rape is so wrong. Somehow I find my voice.

"You've never asked Buffy about that, have you? Do you know why it happened?"

"It happened because Buffy wouldn't have him any more. He wanted more of what he was getting before. He wanted to hurt her. There's nothing to understand."

"You haven't got a clue. If you knew how things were between them, you'd know why it happened. It wasn't right, but it was understandable. He was trying to make her admit to loving him. Maybe not the best way to go about it, but the last thing he wanted to do was hurt her. Unlike Buffy. She'd hurt him again and again, and he just took it. Even when he knew he could hurt her, he didn't."

"Dawn, he's a demon! He can't feel hurt. He can't feel love. It doesn't matter what happened to him, only what he tried to do to Buffy, and I'm going to make sure he never touches her again, so tell me where he is."

I shake my head. He moves closer to me, trying to put a hand on my shoulder. I flinch, not sure what he's going to do. Xander's been around what seems like my whole life, and I've never thought of being afraid of him before. He drops his hand and looks at me.

"I wouldn't hurt you, Dawn. How could you think I would? I'm not Spike."

"Maybe that's why," I answer, and I immediately regret it. He's so hurt, but it's just that he's so angry.

"Look, Xander, I know you wouldn't hurt me, well, not on purpose anyway. But, if you hurt Spike, it'll hurt me, and Buffy too. Leave him alone."

I walk away from him and go to check on Buffy. She's sleeping, and I sit beside her and hold her hand. I hear the front door slamming, and I know he's gone. He's so stubborn. He'll never believe any good about Spike.

I want to call Spike again. He's different. I mean, he went outside in daylight, and he told me he'd explain later. He felt warm, but when I asked him if he was human, he said he wasn't. That he'd explain later if I still wanted to know. I to hugged him. It's just so good to have him back. He still loves her, but he thinks she'll never forgive him. I didn't get the chance to tell him that she's spent the summer regretting what she did too. Later, I'll tell him later.

*-*-*

I hear the door slam behind me. I stand there for a few seconds, trying to pull myself together. Why can't Dawn understand? She's young, and she's trusting, but how can she trust Spike? After what he tried to do?

I shudder as I remember the look on her face when I tried to put a hand on her shoulder. It looked like she was afraid of me. Afraid of me! Yet she trusts … him. I think about that, and my temper rises again. She was talking to him. On the phone. I wonder if there's a record of the last call. I open the door quietly. There's no sound, and I creep inside. I feel guilty doing this, sneaking around like this, but it's for their own good. I walk to the phone, and check the number. Yes, it's there. I make a note of it and creep outside again.

If only Willow were here. She'd know how to get an address out of a phone number. I just hope it isn't a mobile. Then again, a mobile with a name would be helpful too. I remember someone at work. He's an odd sort, but I heard him boasting to the others that he could find out anything on the net. I wonder if he could get me the information I need. I head home and make a call.

"Course I can get it," he tells me. It doesn't look like a mobile number, just a regular local one. "I'll get back to you in a couple of hours. Then you can buy me a drink after work tomorrow."

"Sure," I promise him. I think that I'll do better than buy him a drink if he can get me an address that will let me put an end to Spike at last.

Good as his word, he calls later and gives me the address. Says the name is William Prescott. I smile to myself. I arm myself with some stakes, and a cross bow I've been keeping here for my own protection. I think about how Buffy will approve of what I'm going to do for her. It's the one chance I've got to prove to her that she needs me. She still needs me. I'm one of the Scoobies - the only one left with Tara dead and Willow and Giles gone. Giles will approve, too.

I arrive at the address, double check the number and go and knock at the door. I consider kicking it down, but there's always the possibility that there's been a mistake, so I take it cautiously. I wait a while, and there's no reply. I start to think about heading back to my car to watch the place, when the door opens. It's him.

For a second I'm frozen by the knowledge that I'm about to get one of my dearest wishes. Then, I decide to make the most of my opportunity. It won't be nearly so much fun if he doesn't know it's coming, if he doesn't know how much Buffy will approve of what I'm doing. "Going to invite me in, then?"

I ask.

He doesn't speak, just steps aside to let me in. He looks different. I'm not sure what it is, exactly. Maybe there's less of that cocky self confidence about him. It doesn't matter. He's still an evil soulless monster who's going to die for what he's done to Buffy.

He turns his back on me as he walks into the lounge. I can't believe he'd be so stupid as to turn his back on me. I mean, he knows I hate him. I hope he knows that I know about what happened before he left. I'm curious, so I follow him. He leads me into a lounge. It's furnished, but somehow bare. After his crypt with all its candles, this just doesn't seem like Spike.

"What do you want, Whelp?" he asks, turning to face me.

"What do you think, Spike? I've come to give you what you deserve."

I pull a stake from my pocket, and to my surprise he grins. It's not a happy grin.

"And what are you going to do with that?" he asks.

"I'm going to turn you into a pile of dust. I'm going to take you out of their lives, once and for all. Did you really think you could just come back like nothing had happened. You've worn out your welcome with the Summers family. Buffy's going to be so relieved when I tell her you've taken up residence in the vacuum cleaner."

He shakes his head. "Wish it was that easy," he mutters, and I don't understand. But that doesn't matter. I've got a job to do, and I thrust the stake towards his heart.

Lightning fast, his hand whips out and stops me. He twists my wrist, hurting me until I drop the stake. I look at him as comprehension dawns. The chip. It's gone.

"The penny drops," he snarks. "Spike's new and improved."

I know my chin has dropped to my chest, and I try to cover.

I try to hit him, but again he's too fast. I'm surprised. He's blocking me, and he's not being too gentle about it, but he's not actually trying to hurt me. I bolt for the door, deciding to even the odds a little. I left the cross bow in the car, deciding to take the pleasure of staking him up close and personal. Time for plan B.

I run for the car, retrieving the bow out of the trunk. I run back, surprised he hasn't made any attempt to close the door, and I go inside. He hasn't moved at all. He's still standing where I left him, his face a picture of anguish. Good, I think. He knows what's going to happen, and he's not liking it at all. I aim the bow, and let it fly.

Bullseye. I got his heart, I'm sure I did. I stand and watch, waiting to see him explode into dust. Funny, it doesn't normally seem to take this long. His hands go to the bolt lodged in his chest, and I see blood seeping out from around the wound. I've staked a fair few vampires in my time, and I've never seen one bleed. He should be dust by now. He should be.

Spike pulls the bolt from his chest, grunting with pain and effort. He walks past me as I stand stupefied in his hallway, and goes to a cupboard and pulls out a towel. He uses it to hold against his wound which is bleeding heavily. It almost looks like he's got circulation.

He seems to crumple then. Somehow, as if in slow motion, his legs bend, and he falls to the floor. I'm scared. This isn't how I pictured things at all. It's as if he's …. Human. I've never killed a human - at least, not on purpose. My hands are shaking. I walk to him, half expecting a trick. Either that or expecting him to turn into dust.

He seems to be breathing. It's a laboured breathing. Like every one is a major effort. I lean closer, and he's whispering something to me.

"Bloody hell, either finish the job, or help me get to bed."

I don't know which to do, but in those circumstances, I do what Xander always does. I decide to do what can be undone later. I help him to his feet and let him point towards the direction of his bed.

The bed is covered with a blood-stained sheet. I realise absently that it must be Buffy's blood. I lay him down, and stand, unsure what to do. Spike seems happy to just lie there, although he's obviously in a lot of pain. I spot the sunshine on his body, and stare at it stupidly for a while. I know I already had a hint, with the total lack of dustiness and everything, but somehow that sight makes it clearer. Whatever's happened to him, he's not a vampire any more.

I look around the room and spot a box with bandages and such lying on the other side from the bed. I think absently that it must be left over from tending Buffy's injuries. I pull it over beside the bed, and sit down to look at the damage.

Spike looks at me as I approach. "What're you doing Harris? Just get the hell out of here if you're not going to finish me."

I ignore him and start to rip his T-shirt so I can see the damage. His hand grips mine before I can get any further, his grip surprisingly strong.

"I said get out."

"No," I reply. "I don't know what's happened to you, but I don't kill humans. So, I'm going to out this right."

"I'm not a soddin' human!" he growls, but his voice is losing power.

"You can tell me that later," I answer. "For now, let me sort you out."

He seems to drift away at that. Not that he's unconscious, it's just as if he's no longer in residence. I almost smile at the idea that my helping him is probably hurting him more than my trying to kill him. Surprisingly, the thought isn't entirely happy.

Once his T-shirt is out of the way, I can see the injury. It's deep, but it doesn't seem to be bleeding too much now. As I'm cleaning it, I wonder about the strapping that is covering his stomach and shoulder. When his chest wound is bandaged, I turn him over. I'm surprised he doesn't stop me, but he just lies there, letting me do what I want.

His back's been heavily bandaged. What I saw on the front is only the tip of the iceberg. His face was a mess when I arrived. I didn't stop to think about it then, I mean, it was just Spike, wasn't it?

I start to realise that either what Dawn said was true, and he really did almost get himself killed trying to save Buffy, or it's all a story and he's half killed himself in the interests of authenticity. I have to admit, even for Spike, that the second possibility seems unlikely.

I roll him back over, and he's still staring ahead, blankly. "Anything else I can do?" I ask him.

His eyes focus on me, and I'm not sure what I'm seeing. If I didn't know better, I'd think it was self-loathing.

"Just go away, Harris. You did your duty, helped the poor, injured monster. Just leave me alone."

I nod, realising I've done what I can. I leave and go to my car, shutting the door to the flat behind me. Once I'm in the car, I consider what to do. Should I call Dawn, get her to come and check on him? No, I decide. It doesn't matter what he is, human or not, he still tried to rape Buffy. Sooner or later, they'll realise he's evil, and send him packing.

I drive home, checking the streets as I drive. It's been like this since Buffy told me she met Anya. I scan the streets for any sign of her. I know she and Buffy had words, that something was said, but Buffy wouldn't tell me what it was about. I thought at first, Buffy had told Anya to get out, to leave me alone. I thought maybe she'd have done for me what I've always tried to do for her. To look after her, to protect her from demons. Now, I'm not so sure. I feel like my whole life just doesn't make sense any more.

My best friend, a human with a soul, tried to end the world.

A demon tried to rape my other closest friend, and her sister trusts him, and acts like she's afraid of me.

I try to finish the vampire, try to make them safe, and it looks like he's human.

The woman I love chose to become a demon. She chose to become something I can only hate.

I come to the conclusion I'm totally screwed up. My life's a mess, and I don't know what to do about it. Maybe I should just shut myself away for a while. I just don't know what else I can do. I start to laugh, and I know it's not happy, not healthy. I keep driving, not heading home, just driving, without any idea of where I should go. I need to get away. I need to go to where I can understand, where humans don't care about demons. Where vampires turn to dust when they're staked. Where teenage girls don't flinch when I try to touch them.