Chapter 12 - Back to School

D-Day. Or should that be S-Day? As in S for school, or S for Spike. I dress carefully, conscious that the first impression I give should be of responsibility. Or something. I'm more nervous than I'd have thought. And it's not all to do with having a new job.

There's Spike, of course, and I feel butterflies in my stomach every time I think about seeing him again. Well, maybe butterflies isn't the best word. That implies seeing him is something to be looked for. It is, and yet it's also something I dread.

I've spoken to Clem a couple of times, and he's told me Spike's fine. I even sensed him with me as I patrolled for the first time last night. I didn't see him, but he was there. Fortunately I didn't meet anything that made it worth him showing himself. Still, it felt good, knowing he was there. Comforting. I didn't know how much I missed that until he came back.

Then there's Xander. No one's seen anything of him since the incident with Spike. He hasn't phoned into work, and he hasn't been home. The police don't want to know. He's an adult, and I'm not his wife, and he's entitled to go off if he wants. I was worried enough to call Anya and tell her. She has got the advantage of being able to teleport, after all. I mean, she gets an idea of where he might have been, and … she's there!

Willow's due back tomorrow. That's another interesting happening. I mean, I'm really looking forward to seeing her and Giles, but Dawn's no warmer at the prospect of seeing Willow than she was. It's going to be difficult. I hope Xander'll come back to see Willow. He knows she's due back.

I pull myself out of my thoughts with a wrench. Downstairs, I start to put breakfast together, and think about lunch for Dawn. I'm trying to persuade her to eat in the canteen, but no luck so far. She wants to 'check it out' first. I suppose she means she wants to see who else eats there before she commits herself to anything uncool. Was I as bad as that? Probably. How did Mom cope with me?

Fortunately, it's a short walk to school. We set off together, and I'm wondering how long that'll go on. How long it'll be before walking to school with a member of staff will be considered 'uncool'.

She's not saying a lot. I mean, it's a big deal. New school, new teachers, new kids. I do remember. I think about my first day at Sunnydale High School. I met Xander. And Willow. That pulls my mind back to wondering where he's gone, how she's coping, and I try to block those thoughts. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I've got too much that I care about. Sometimes, I just need to tune some of it out.

I leave Dawn with some friends, and go inside to the main office. There I'm met by the Principal's secretary who escorts me into a room where a number of other people are waiting.

"The Principal wants to talk to all of you, before you begin your duties. He covered teaching staff earlier."

As soon as I walk in, I know he's there. I sit in a free chair, and scan the room for him. He's opposite me, and keeping his eyes on his knees. It's the first real chance I've had to see him. I mean, first I was delirious, then he was injured. He does look different. His hair's longer, his curls more obvious than they ever were. He's stopped bleaching it, and it's an interesting mixture of white-blonde and mid brown. He looks …. Good. I'm responding to his presence on so many levels, it's hard to sort out the details.

He's still tickling my Slayer sense. That strange buzz he's always caused. I'm surprised, because he's obviously not a vampire any more. Apparently still a demon, though, so, maybe not so surprising.

I'm looking for lingering signs of his injury. In that respect, I'm feeling concern, like for a friend. I smile to myself at the fact that I've just used the word 'friend' in connection with Spike. It's a new connection, and I find I like it. Except, friendship goes both ways, and I've lost his.

As always, I'm responding to him as a lover. Even like this, in a room full of other people, with him sitting as far from me as it's possible to be, I feel the familiar pull, the familiar wanting. But, that's the last thing I need right now. I've done the whole 'using him for sex' thing, and I'm not proud of it.

I'm shocked out of my thoughts as he lifts his head and catches my eye for a second, before I'm forced to look away. Those eyes are just the way they always are. They look right inside you, seeing the things you're trying to hide. There was a time when I could look into them, confident that I had nothing to hide from him. No longer. I can't hold his eye, and it's my turn to look at my knees.

The Principal comes in, and begins his address. It's short and fairly to the point. The usual, 'We're a team', and 'My door's always open', sort of spiel.

We're dismissed and given directions to our offices or whatever. Mine is in the same suite as the Principal, but has a door directly to the corridor, so there's no need to bump into the Principal when coming for counselling.

As I reach my door, I know he's just behind me. To my surprise, he goes into an office opposite mine. So much for not seeing too much of him. I watch him going into his room before I enter mine.

I look around. Standard desk and chair with a couple of other chairs on the opposite side of the desk. That'll have to change. I mean, yeah, I'll need the desk for paperwork, but no way I'm counselling kids from the other side of a desk. I glance at my calendar, and note that I've already got a few appointments, but not until mid morning. I go to the filing cabinet and root out the relevant files. There's nothing like being prepared.

The morning speeds by. Mornings at the Doublemeat Palace never went at this rate. I'm nervous, afraid I'm going to say or do something to make things worse, but, mainly I listen. The kids are wary as they come in, but seem to relax when I sit close to them, without the barrier of authority.

When it's time for lunch break, I head for the canteen. I smile at some familiar faces. Some I recognise as teachers from my own school days. None of them looks particularly welcoming. A few I recognise as teachers at Dawn's old school, and they're generally more welcoming. No sign of Spike.

I eat quickly, and go to see if I can find him. First stop, his office. Impressive. He's looking over some blueprints - I assume of the new building. He starts as I come in.

"Hey," I start. "Nice office."

"Yeah," he answers. "New Principal's what you might call 'forward thinking'. I've even got a weapons chest, locked of course."

He pulled some keys from his pocket. How he got them into the pocket, I'll never know. I mean, the jeans might be blue, but that's the only difference from before. Still skin tight. He doesn't seem to notice the effect he's having on me. He seems calm.

Apart from the desk and the weapons chest, there's a bank of monitors. He sees me noticing.

"Bloody useless, they are," he tells me.

"I mean, some demons won't even show up, and any that do'll be able to put the cameras out of commission right quick. Might be useful for burglars, I 'spose."

I nod, desperately thinking of something to say. "So, how are you? Clem said you were better."

"I'm fine. How about you?"

"Yeah, you know Slayer healing. I'm never down for long."

"One hundred and forty-seven days," he reminds me, his face taking on that familiar haunted look.

"Yeah." I agree.

I want to ask him so much. I want to apologise, to tell him how sorry I am. I can't. Not yet. "Guess I'll be seeing you a lot," I say, "being opposite and all."

"'Spose so."

He sounds so cold. I can't take it any more. "Better get back," I mutter, turning my back.

He doesn't answer, just goes back to the blueprints.

Fortunately, I don't have time to brood. I've a full afternoon, and when the kids go home, I've got a lot of writing to do. Dawn breezes in, and I suggest she goes to the library to get a start on her homework. She doesn't look too pleased at the prospect, but goes.

When I finish, I head towards the library, surprised to hear Dawn laughing. I go in, and soon know why. Spike. The two are sitting there, and both look up, as if they've been caught planning something. For just an instant, I see him. The old Spike. Happy. But it's gone, like a shutter closed, and his eyes have lost their animation. He stands up, and says something about needing to check some things out.

When he's gone, Dawn looks at me as if I've done something wrong.

"What?" I ask.

"Why did you do that?"

"And again with what?"

"He just shut down when you came in. Have you said something to him?"

"Dawn, you know how it is. Sure I've spoken to him, but, the damage was done before today."

"I wish you'd sort it out."

"Me too."

I'm surprised to find my eyes are damp again. Not going to do that. That is definitely not the impression I'm trying to give on my first day at work. I shake my head, and say, "Ready to go?"

She nods and gathers her books together.

We chat as we walk home. I laugh with her at her first thoughts on her teachers, and listen carefully to the descriptions of the kids in her classes. She seems remarkably relaxed, the pre-back-to-school stress apparently gone.

As we approach the house, I get a surprise. Parked outside is Xander's car. I run towards it, and Dawn shouts at me unsure of the reason at first. When I reach the car, I'm shocked. I've seen Xander post battle, post apocalypse. Even post Willow, and post the wedding-that-wasn't. He's never looked this bad.

I open the door and help him out. He hasn't shaved in days, and, by the look of him, he hasn't changed his clothes either. It smells like that too. His eyes are bloodshot, and bagged. There's no life in them. He doesn't speak as I help him inside. He flops on the sofa, and still doesn't speak.

"Xander, where've you been?"

He shrugs.

"What happened?"

"I killed him."

"Who?"

"Spike."

"No, you didn't."

"There's no way he could have survived. I staked him in the heart. There was so much blood. He's human. I'm like Faith. I …."

"Xander, Spike's alive. I saw him today. So did Dawn."

He looks at me, checking for any sign of a lie. He didn't find one, so he looked at Dawn.

"Spike's fine," she confirmed.

Something about that causes the dam to burst. He starts to cry, almost silently, but with shuddering sobs. I sit beside him, and put an arm around his shoulder. He doesn't seem to notice, and I try to ignore the ripeness of his shirt.

When he calms, I suggest a shower while I cook. Dawn goes upstairs to find the clothes he kept here for while he was decorating. They're paint spattered, but they smell a lot better than what he's wearing.

When he comes down again, he looks better. Better but not right. His shoulders are still slumped, and there's a deadness to his eyes. What is it about me? Any guy I let into my life either runs away, or I kill something in him. I shudder at the horror that is my friendship. It's not just men, either, I realise with a start. I mean, look at what happened to Willow.

We eat more or less in silence. I mean, you can't really count requests for salt to be conversation. Xander eats so much, I wonder when he last ate. He's still not giving anything on where he was.

Replete, Xander seems a lot better. "I came back so I could meet Willow," he informs me.

I nod. "Good. It's good you can do that. I can't, you know, new job and everything."

A light comes on in his eyes, as if he just realised something. "First day today, wasn't it?"

"Yeah. It was, good."

He turns to Dawn. She smiles at him, but it's a smile that holds something back. She's not going to forgive him for Spike any time soon. I don't know how I feel about it, but I feel inclined to just forget it. He's giving himself a hard enough time over it.

"So, Spike's human?"

His words surprise me. "N..no."

"Then what?"

"Don't know. He's warm, he needs to breathe. Still not human. Apparently. I haven't heard the whole story."

"You saw him today?"

"He's working at the school."

The reaction's slower than it would have been, but it still builds. "Buffy, you've got to stop that. He can't work at the school. He tried to rape you. And he's not chipped any more. There's no telling what he'll do surrounded by hormonal teenagers. You've got to speak to the Principal. If need be, go to the police."

The news about the chip is a surprise. I file the information away as something to consider later. But, I'm not worried. It's my Slayer intuition. It's not firing, not the way it used to when I considered Spike chipless. It wasn't the chip that stopped him upstairs. I mean, I know I pushed him off me, but he didn't come back. As soon as he understood that I didn't want it, he stopped. "Xander, leave it. He's not a danger to anyone but himself. He's not going to hurt anyone, or at least anyone human."

He starts to get up. He's going to storm out, and I put a hand on his arm. "Xander, please. Sit down."

He does, but it's not so much that he's convinced as that the fight's gone. When he calms I start to tell him about Anya.

"She's been looking for you. She's been as worried as I have. More. She wants me to call her if I hear from you."

"No," he replies.

"No, what?"

"I don't want to see her."

"Ok, but I'm going to call her and let her know you're ok."

He shakes his head, but it's lacking in conviction. He knows I'll call anyway. He gets up and heads towards the door.

"I'd better get home. I've got an early start to get to the airport, and I haven't been sleeping too well."

I nod. Somehow I can't bring myself to give him a hug. There was a time when that'd seem the most natural thing in the world. I guess it'll be harder to forget what he tried to do than I thought.