Chapter 15 - Reconciliation

My mind is reeling as I head out on patrol. There's so much to think about, but, despite the knowledge that Dawn's in danger, the thing that's uppermost in my mind is Spike. Despite everything he knew about Angel's soul, he went and got one. For me. It's such a huge deal I can hardly take it in. He got a soul for me, so that I could love him. He did it without a guarantee, just because it might be enough.

I think back to my meeting with Anya at the Mall. She told me that I already loved him. I didn't argue with her then, because the other things she told me pushed that out of my mind. But, I know it's true. It was true before he left. It was true before I kissed him that first time. That night when we sent the music demon back home without a queen. I was drawn to him, desperate to feel. But I was already feeling, it was just the demon in me, warping things, not allowing me to see what I was feeling. I'm not sure when it started, when I first loved him. It was there, but I was so scared. Angel hurt me so badly, and he had a soul. I guess I just thought Spike would hurt me worse without one. Then there was the problem of losing my friends. I knew I'd lose Xander if he knew. I thought I'd lose Willow and Giles too. So, I blanked out the idea, told myself I couldn't possibly love him. It was just lust, needing to feel, but it was so much more than that.

I took his love and threw it back in his face. The only man who's stayed with me. Stayed with me even though I've told him to go. Even though I've hurt him every way I could. When he did actually leave, it was so he could change, make himself acceptable to me. I am such an idiot.

Patrol is straightforward, but I miss the feeling that Spike's around. I'm going to have to make alternative arrangements if I want him to patrol with me. He's right. It's just like when Glory was after her. We have to look after Dawn.

I wonder what we can do to protect her. I don't know why, but I got this horrible clenching in my stomach when Giles talked about the Key annihilating this evil energy thing. I don't see how Dawn can survive that, and I'm scared. I'm so scared by this thing, and all I want is to be held, and the only person I want to hold me is Spike, the man I chased away.

I head for home, still lost in thought, lost in my guilt. I know I've staked some vampires, but it's a vague recollection, hardly impinging on my conscious at all. The light's off in the lounge, but I see the tell-tale flicker of the TV. I walk in, preparing to yell at both of them if Dawn's still up, but there's no need. Dawn is gone, and Spike's lying on the sofa. He's asleep, the movie on the screen is being ignored. I stand and watch for a while. Spike. He looks so innocent and young when he's asleep. I've never really spent time watching him sleep. Even when we were - you know, sleeping together. That's such a stupid euphemism. The one thing we didn't do much of was sleep. I was too busy running off before the afterglow had faded. Before I let something slip which could comfort him. Before he could see the love that I had for him. He looks younger without the sneer, without the hurt etched onto his face. Every muscle's relaxed. It's almost like looking at a child.

He must sense I'm here, because he's stirring. "Hey, sleepy," I say to announce my presence.

He opens his eyes, and sits up guiltily. "Sorry," he apologises. "I fell asleep. Guess I'm more tired than I thought."

I can feel myself falling back into my reverie, just wanting to stand there and watch him, so I force myself into action. "Hot chocolate?" I ask.

He's going to say no, I can see it in the way he's tensing, but he seems to reconsider, and surprises me. "Yeah, please."

"With marshmallows?"

That gets a grin. It's the first real grin he's sent in my direction since he got back. The grin flickers, and I know he's remembering who used to give him marshmallows in his hot chocolate. Mom.

"I still miss her," I tell him, and he nods.

"Me too."

I turn and go into the kitchen to get things. I'm half surprised when he doesn't follow. A few minutes later, I go back and put the steaming mug in front of him. I sit opposite him, and I remember what Dawn told me on the way to the Magic Box. She told me to stop being silly. That I had to get over things with Spike. That I had to forget what had happened between us. She even suggested that we just start again.

I look up, and I see he's been thinking too.

"Do you know what Dawn said while you were out?" he asks.

I shake my head. "No, what?"

"She said we should start all over again. Pretend we're meeting for the first time."

I giggle, and he looks surprised. "She told me the same thing. But we can't, can we?"

"Don't know. Might be worth a try."

He shrugs as he says that, and I know he's not sure whether to stay or run.

I hold out my hand to him. "Let me introduce myself," I say. "I'm Buffy Anne Summers."

He joins in quickly. "Pleased to meet you, Miss Summers. I am William Prescott, but everyone calls me Spike." He holds out his hand, and we shake. Then the smiles widen as we realise how ridiculous we must look. It's so good to smile around him. The smiles get wider, and we're laughing.

We drink our cocoa, and the laughter subsides. "Buffy, I'm sorry." His face is a picture of sorrow.

"I know, me too. But, we're supposed to be starting over. Let's make this the last apology, for things in the past anyway."

"Ok," he answers.

"Dawn took the news well, considering," I comment.

"She's more scared than she's letting on," he tells me. I look at him, and my surprise must show on my face.

"Vampires can feel fear. Like heat or cold, they can feel it. I still can. I 'spect you can too, but maybe you just don't recognise it yet."

I nod. There has been something about her since Spike's letter. I cast my mind back over the past year, and I think, yes, there were times I felt something, but I just didn't think in terms of feeling fear.

"Maybe you need to teach me," I say. "Teach me how to understand these things."

"Whatever I can teach you is small compared with what you can teach me. How do you control the demon? I can still feel it, inside me. I've got a soul, but the demon's still there. When you were hurt, I could feel it, telling me to feed from you. The scent of your blood was so strong. I don't need blood to live any more, but it would still give me strength, it would give me a buzz, make me feel good."

"I don't know," I tell him truthfully. "I guess I haven't given much thought to fighting my demon, 'cos I've only just discovered I have one. But, I suppose, yeah, I've been more inclined to beat on demons rather than just kill them. One demon in particular, but that's touching on things we're not supposed to be talking about. I've made other …. Mistakes. Maybe, it's just, I don't have a history of drinking blood, so that's not the way the demon uses to get to me. Killing, hurting demons, that's the way it comes out with me. So, I guess I haven't done much of a job of controlling mine either. Maybe we're just going to have to help each other."

"I'd like that," he answers, putting his mug down. "I suppose I'd better be going," he says, getting up.

I follow him to the hallway, and watch as he opens the door. As he walks outside, I grab his hand. "Take care," I tell him.

The look on his face is more reward than I deserve. The look is pure love, and gratitude, and not a little disbelief. He turns and walks to his car. I remember earlier today. "And, no more avoiding me at school," I call after him, and he turns around and smiles.

"Ok."

As I climb the stairs, I hear something moving above me. It's Dawn, I know it is. She's been listening in. I go to her room, and she's pretending to be asleep.

"Well, did you like what you heard?" I ask.

She opens one eye, then the other. "I was that obvious, huh?"

"Well, I heard you. And, where do you get off giving us both pep talks?"

"Duh. It worked, didn't it? You're talking again. Won't be long before you're doing more than talking."

"Dawn, stop that. We're barely friends, and there isn't going to be anything else. We've got to work together, and we'll do it. But, there's too much history to ignore completely. We're not going to talk about what happened before, but that doesn't mean we can just forget it."

"But he still loves you." Her statement is full of her confidence.

"Yeah, I think he does," I realise, remembering his expression when I took his hand.

"And you love him, don't you?" I pause. I did. I'm only just getting used to admitting that to myself. But now? I don't know any more. I'm not sure about admitting it to her. But I promised no secrets.

"Yeah, well, I did. Maybe I still do. It's just, Dawnie, love isn't everything. I thought so. When I was with Angel, I thought that as long as we loved each other, everything would work out fine. But love doesn't work like that. Life isn't like that. Love often isn't enough."

"But, you didn't love Angel like you love Spike."

"Again with the bold statements. But, you're right. I loved Angel like he was my protector. My knight in shining armour. Ours was a fairytale love. It couldn't survive in the real world. But what I feel for Spike isn't up to the real world either. Not yet, and maybe never."

She's smiling at me. It's that smile that says she thinks differently, but has decided not to argue. She's just polishing her 'I told you so' speech for when she gets to deliver it.

"Go to sleep," I tell her, turning my back on her grin. "I'm for a quick shower then bed. See you in the morning. Love you, Dawn."

"Love you, Buffy," she answers, burrowing herself under her covers.